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Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ May 9, 1988

2020.10.16 18:35 SaintRidley Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ May 9, 1988

Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words, continuing in the footsteps of daprice82. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives.
• PREVIOUS •
1987
FUTURE YEARS ARCHIVE:
The Complete Observer Rewind Archive by daprice82
1-4-1988 1-11-1988 1-18-1988 1-25-1988
2-1-1988 2-8-1988 2-15-1988 2-22-1988
2-29-1988 3-7-1988 3-14-1988 3-21-1988
3-28-1988 4-4-1988 4-11-1988 4-18-1988
4-25-1988 5-2-1988 * *
  • WCCW has finally announced the card for their May 8 David and Mike Von Erich Memorial Parade of Champions. Credit to the company, they’ve not put much effort into pushing the Von Erich part of the name this year and seem to have kept that part out of deference to Fritz. The headliners are two triple tower of doom matches. Dave’s understanding is that there will be three rings built atop one another with a firefighter’s pole through the center to allow ring to ring transitions. You can also move from level to level by climbing the cage from the inside. They’re also having an 18-man Royal Rumble style battle royal called a Texas Roundup inside the three rings, with the winner being the wrestler who gets to the third ring, climbs the cage, and grabs the envelope with the “money” for the winner and five prizes for fans. I’m astonished TNA in the Jarrett/Russo days never did this. Michael Hayes and Terry Gordy will have a Bad Street match, Kerry Von Erich challenges King Parsons for the title, and Kevin Von Erich teams with Bruiser Brody vs. Buddy Roberts and a mystery partner. Roberts was originally meant to partner with Kamala or Abdullah the Butcher, but they’re both booked. There will be other matches as well, but eh.
  • Over in Oregon the battle of May 7 is coming. Don Owen’s show in Portland will feature Hennig vs. Tom Zenk along with his regular crew, while Billy Jack Haynes’ Oregon-Washington Wrestling Federation debuts twenty miles away in Oregon City. No cards, partial or complete, have been announced, but Haynes has 16 guys including Tom Magee (yes, the one who only Bret Hart knew how to make look good), Steve Gatorwolf (fuck Steve Gatorwolf), Chavo Guerrero, Corporal Kirchner (due to be promoted to Colonel when WWF turns their eyes this way), Brian Adams, Fred Ottman (Memphis’s Big Bubba, whom you’ll come to love as Typhoon in a couple years), himself, and a bunch of other guys who I can’t make any interesting comments about.
  • Memphis’s Monday show after those will surely be the most talked about show of the weekend, though. Hennig defends the AWA Title against Jerry Lawler in a match where Lawler will retire if he doesn’t become champion. Most of the undercard is still unknown, but that match alone carries the interest.
  • Crockett has made a major retreat and given up the New York market. Nassau Coliseum accepted WWF’s ultimatum, and will now refuse to allow Crockett to run shows. Over Crockett’s four show run at the arena since November, it’s been rocky. They had a successful first show in November, but the second show was the Bunkhouse Stampede in January, which drew a gate of $80,000 (actually above WWF’s average there). But that show was so poorly received it killed them. The third show drew poorly, and they managed to improve a bit to $48,000, around WWF’s typical non-Hogan card there, for the fourth show. But with the ultimatum and the fact that gates have dropped to basically equivalent to a WWF card, they’re out. They’ve also lost their time slot in New York, leaving them without local tv access in New York and LA. Crockett may have pulled the plug on New York tv themselves. They were paying a rumored $6,000 weekly for access, and that just does not make sense to do when you can’t run local shows anymore. It will hurt their ad revenue, so it’s a mixed bag.
  • WWF taped Saturday Night’s Main Event on April 22 to air April 30. Dave mentioned the results last week, but upon airing some changes had been made. They didn’t air Andre/Roberts and instead put on a Rick Rude vs. Koko B. Ware match. Randy Savage is obviously the face of the company right now - they didn’t even mention Hogan on the episode. And it’s a big improvement to the wrestling quality having Savage as the main event over Hogan. Duggan’s work has significantly regressed. Bulldogs vs. Demolition was garbage and they were not working together at all. Rude vs. Ware was fairly good and the only match that didn’t involve a total carry job by one guy.
  • Joe Pedicino is collaborating with WATL-TV in Atlanta to do a 30 hour wrestling telethon on June 17-18. They’re even going to have over six hours of wrestling live in studio. As part of the telethon, they’ll have a bunch of syndicated wrestling shows as well as the Henry Winkler movie The One and Only (Dave’s favorite wrestling movie of all time) and the Alex Karras movie Mad Bull (not as good, but some good in it). They’re also going to do a segment on the history of pro wrestling in Atlanta. Proceeds will go to the Atlanta police department so they can buy bullet proof vests. Dave even has word that two WWF wrestlers will appear.
  • Dave’s regular typewriter is in the shop, so he’s using a different one that kind of sucks. He apologizes for any issues, and has gone with a smaller font to give more content as a make-good. Yay, more stuff for me to type about.
  • [All Japan] John Tenta accidentally broke Jimmy Snuka’s ribs on April 21 with a powerslam. Not much else of interest out of All Japan this week.
  • [New Japan] Antonio Inoki has a broken foot and is out of action. That’s gonna hurt New Japan at the gate. Riki Choshu vs. Vader has been made to replace Vader vs. Inoki for May 7. It’ll be an interesting test of Choshu’s remaining drawing power.
  • New Japan went really weird with a locker room scene on the April 22 tv show. The main event had Inoki and Tatsumi Fujinami beating Vader and Masahiro Saito by dq, and the locker room scene had Inoki and Fujinami arguing. Fujinami then got scissors and started cutting his own hair until Inoki hit him and told him to wrestle Vader in Osaka on April 27 (at which show Fujinami declared he’d retire if he lost).
  • The major hype in Memphis still surrounds the LawleHennig match set for May 9. They’re claiming Larry Hennig is leading the voting for referee over Jackie Fargo, but that’s obviously to drum up more support for Lalwer.
  • Meanwhile, Memphis is bringing in guys from WCCW for three matches on May 2. Dave’s heard conflicting stories. They’re there for just the one show, or they’ll be in again multiple times. Just have to wait and see, Dave supposes. Even with Lawler vs. Eddie Gilbert with Missy’s hair at stake, they’re billing Iceman King Parsons vs. Kerry Von Erich for the WCCW Title as the main event, and Dave doesn’t get the point in bringing in another world champion when you’re spending so much effort and time on hyping up the AWA title match for the next week. This is the beginning of the Memphis/WCCW alliance and eventual merger.
  • A funny story from Southern Championship Wrestling. They’ve got this local country western DJ on color commentary and he goes by Rhubarb Jones. For a few weeks, they did a bit where Paul E. Dangerously constantly called him “Rub Hard Jones” and Jones would correct him. Then the blowoff was Dangerously asking “How come whenever I call you Rub Hard you say it’s Rhubarb, but when Missy Hyatt calls you Rhubarb, you say Rub Hard?” This made it on the air. And honestly, it sounds like a fucking funny bit.
  • Stampede’s crowds have dipped a bit. It’s probably a bit of annual drop off as summer comes along, but also according to local fans it’s because the show has become so much less family oriented with all the blood and excessive violence lately. Kids have been the biggest demographic to drop, so that makes some sense.
  • Les Thornton is not content to start up a competing wrestling school to Stampede, but is now planning to start a competing promotion. He may get started as soon as May, and he’s planning to run Calgary too.
  • World Class is negotiating to get their syndicated package added to the All-Star Wrestling Network ad package. That’s the same one that has the AWA.
  • Big John Studd has sent out a country music demo to some record companies. He’s apparently trying to cash in on his fame as a wrestler as a selling point for how well his record would sell. One person in the music industry told Dave that Studd wrestles better than he sings, and Dave says if it does ever release not to buy it if there are any cats who live in your neighborhood.
  • UWF announced its May 12 Korauken Hall card. There will be three matches: Nobuhiko Takada vs. Shigeo Miyato, Tetsuo Nakano vs. Yoji Anjo, and Akira Maeda vs. Kazuo Yamazaki. That’s the entire stable of wrestlers they have so far. Since they sold out so quick without announcing the card at all, it’s a good thing they’ve saved the best main event they have (Maeda vs. Takada) for June. Since there are only three matches, each match will likely be in the 30 minute range.
  • Dave hears word that Iron Sheik will be back in WWF if he can clean up his act. No more cocaine for Sheiky baby.
  • AWA has an interesting card for their May 14 tapings in Las Vegas. Tanaka and Diamond defend the tag titles against Chavo and Mando Guerrero, Greg Gagne defends the International TV title against Brian Knobbs, the Midnight Rockers take on Riki Choshu and Masahiro Saito, and Curt Hennig vs. Jerry Lawler for the AWA Word Title.
  • In addition to Memphis and the AWA, Continental now recognizes the AWA Title as a world title. The AWA title is quickly becoming the world title of the remaining independent territories. Related, in a recent interview Curt Hennig said that he’s the real world champion among himself, Ric Flair, and Randy Savage because they only defend their titles in one company while Hennig defends his in all companies.
  • The Fantastics beat the Midnight Express on April 26 in Chattanooga to win the NWA US Tag Titles in a 40+ minute match. They teased referee stoppage and Bobby Eaton, who was the illegal man, wound up pinning Robert Fulton. Cornette did a promo saying he was planning a party for this coming weekend because of course Jim Crockett would return the belts, but obviously that’s not going to happen, Dave says.
  • Ric Flair missed some shows this past week (April 25 in Nashville and Chattanooga, April 27, and April 28. Dave’s heard two stories - either a severe fever or a staph infection. Due to his absence, the NWA offered refunds for those who wanted them. He was supposed to wrestle Road Warrior Hawk in Nashville, and that show drew around 2,500 people.
  • Dave thinks it’ll be interesting to see if WWF tries counterprogramming the next NWA ppv. It’s set to air on July 10 with Flair vs. Luger and a triple tower of doom match (they should be glad that WCCW is using it first, it means they can see how it actually works in practice and figure out the bugs before doing it themselves). Correction time: the triple tower of doom WCCW has concocted wasn’t a Dusty Rhodes original. It was a Kevin Sullivan idea, which makes way more sense when I remember the doomsday cage match he came up with. Anyway, Dave thinks it would be smart if both stopped this game of countering each other’s big shows. It’s just costing both sides a lot of money and neither side has really benefited.
  • The 1988 NWA Great American Bash tour will run June 26-August 7 and have some 40 or 41 shows. A lot of those shows will have War Games matches. After the Bash tour, Crockett’s wrestlers are going to be getting a week off to make up for working 6 weeks straight.
  • NWA got the time slot WCCW used to have in Jackson, Mississippi and their first tape they sent had no commentary track. They had promos, but not one word of commentary.
  • Word is that a 6’7” masked wrestler called “The Texan” is coming to NWA to feud with Dusty Rhodes. Dave thinks they’re bringing in Dick Murdoch, who once wore a mask and attacked Rhodes, but 6’7”? Maybe if he had stilts.
  • WWF is instituting a new policy where managers aren’t being booked for house shows anymore, only tv tapings. The only exceptions are where they’re booked to actually get in the ring and wrestle a match. Elizabeth is a unique case, and Dave’s not sure where they’re landing on her yet, but she’s so integral to Randy Savage’s act that you can’t take her out without upsetting fans. The last Dave’s heard is they’re likely to have her only appear in certain markets and not regularly anymore.
  • Additionally, WWF has made significant cuts to the number of dates. Last year at this point they were running between 20-25 shows a week, and they’ve cut it down to 10, 12 on tv taping weeks. The new schedule has three shows on Saturdays and Sundays, two on Mondays and Fridays, and Tuesday-Thursday as days off (again, except on tv weeks). Well, that’s the schedule for the big names. The rest will work when they get work, with the third string guys working twice a week at most. With this severe a cutback, you can expect probably more guys to be let go. On the other hand, this new scheduling will give the wrestlers more chance to rest, and seems to be having positive effects on performance (though DiBiase/Savage and Hart/Badnews working together might also be a factor). DiBiase/Savage is the only major drawing match they have, so cutting dates means avoiding overexposing the match, too, so that’s a possible factor. This is evidence that pro wrestling as an arena spectator sport is in the worst place it has been in a long time and even WWF is tightening their belt, which only means that everyone else is probably feeling it a lot more.
  • One of the letters this week is about how fans smart to how the business works should act at shows. Not said in the letter is that they should shower, almost as if that’s a given. Anyway, the writer conjures up the image of the fan who goes to the show and calls the wrestlers by their government names and screams at Wahoo McDaniel to “blade!” when he gets posted and goes prone on the floor and how irritating those people are. Smart fans, our writer argues, should try to keep the heat up for the match. Cheer the faces, boo the heels, help encourage the marks around you to do the same. The writer is friends with a mid-level heel from a promotion not to be specified to protect the source, and the writer tries to make a point of going to that heel’s tv tapings. Some of the wrestler’s colleagues know our writer is an Observer subscriber and considers Dave a friend, but even so, after the last taping the writer went to and played it off like they were a total mark, one of the managers came over and thanked the writer for keeping the heat up and asked for thoughts on the angles and how they were getting over. You don’t get asked questions like that from the workers if you’re the kind of irritating, insufferable smart fan who has to show off how smart you are. Honestly, I really enjoyed this letter, because it definitely jives with my feelings about how to act at a show. Respect and engage with the performance you are presented. I remember going to a RISE show last year where I had a fantastic conversation with AQA, one of the women there who was coming from Booker T’s school, and she was asking me about how her elimination looked from my vantage, if I thought she hit her spots well, and that sort of stuff. I’ve had a lot of great conversations like that at RISE and SHIMMER shows and I’m really glad I got to have that conversation with AQA. By the way, she’s fantastic and is definitely on her way to having a big future once she hits the point of signing with Impact/WWE/AEW.
  • Another writer notes that he has a friend who now works part time for the Rhode Island State Athletic Commission. Said friend knows nothing about wrestling and can’t even answer questions about whether blading is allowed in Rhode Island because he doesn’t know what the question means. So yeah, that’s what you’re dealing with in athletic commissions.
  • Our most interesting letter of the week concerns the origins of the term “working.” A lot of people think it originates with the advent of tv and working for the benefit of the camera, but the term originates back in the early part of the 20th century. Wrestlers began using what they called the “working” system rather than shooting, which allowed them to turn wrestling into a traveling act. Wrestlers at that point still had to be capable shooters, of course, just in case someone didn’t want to go along with the script. And there were wrestlers like Jack Sherry who couldn’t adapt to working rather than shooting, and so they were on the outs with the major promoters of the era. Also, the writer found a membership list for the NWA from 1968. Just 20 years ago the NWA boasted 23 different member promotions in the U.S. and Canada. How much things have changed.
  • There’s a big letter from a couple guys in Maine that goes off on Dave for his “anti-WWF” bias and it’s a big enough deal that Dave actually responds. In brief, the letter says “we are disturbed by your continuing, and, we believe, unwarranted criticism of Titan Sports and Vince McMahon in particular. This anti-Titan attitude, while understandable, and in some cases laudable, has been of concern to us for some time, and we had intended to write soon, but your recent post-Wrestlemania newsletter moved up our timetable.” Fucking hell, that’s most of the opening paragraph and I am rolling laughing (literally, I am high as balls as I do this part). Their criticisms of Dave’s takes on Wrestlemania seem to be saying Ventura was great on commentary and Uecker was funny. And since Dave’s writing basically the newsletter of record on wrestling, he’s being derelict in his responsibilities. One good thing they suggest is that Dave try to keep commentary and news separate. Basically, they usually find themselves agreeing with Dave and are very confused and concerned that his opinions on Clash and Wrestlemania were opposite of theirs. The part that really ticks Dave off is that, “at risk of insulting” Dave, they conclude that his commentaries are tailored to satisfy certain constituencies of his readership rather than reflecting his own opinions. Dave even says that the one thing they got right was that he felt insulted by their letter, and not because they disagree with him. Dave even says “anyone who agrees with all my opinions is obviously letting me do their thinking for him.” There you go. He then gives a complete takedown of every point they made, pointing out where they ignored the context of his statements, pointed out how it wasn’t just him who felt how he did, points out his takes on Starrcade and Survivor Series to kill dead the idea that he has an anti-WWF or pro-Crockett bias, etc. As for biases, Dave does admit to a bias toward Crockett’s in-ring style compared to WWF’s, but it’s also hardly his favorite style (New Japan juniors, there’s his favorite style at this point), and he also admits to a bias toward how WWF handles publicity, its company, and its rotating talent in and out of the spotlight to keep things fresh.
  • So, Dave transcribed the first hour of Bruno Sammartino’s radio interview from 6 weeks back. A couple highlights, then I’ll just put a link to read the transcript yourself. He felt like the lone voice defending the old way of wrestling and nobody would listen. He says some wrestlers today, he might call them athletes, but Bam Bam Bigelow? He’s too fat to be an athlete. He calls Andre and Hogan sad because of Andre’s condition, and even worse because making it out like the match of the century is practically obscene to him. He doesn’t consider either of them to be wrestlers. Basically, he’s going to old man yell at the cloud of modern wrestling for a while and he said Vince doesn’t want commentary to refer to it as wrestling anymore. He tries to maintain some kayfabe about the legitimacy of wrestling in his day, but tries to claim it mostly was. There’s stuff about his son I’m going to be honest about not reading, I’m just not sober enough to care about David. He also says he never once saw a bladejob or blood capsule in his life and points to his scars above his eye “that came from being hit”. He is vague about Jimmy Snuka, but he says Snuka’s got serious drug problems and seriously messed himself up.
Read: Bruno radio interview transcript
  • There’s also a long letter about Bruno, so you can read that along with the transcript So click that link too. Smash that like button. Subscribe to my twitch channel. Words.
Read: end of transcript and letter
  • Dave also gives comments of his own on the transcript, letter, and Sammartino’s issues with McMahon. In short, the business of wrestling has changed a lot, especially lately, and change isn’t inherently bad. Some changes made wrestling more mainstream acceptable. Some caused the decline of regional territories, but were always inevitable. Some brought unheard of amounts of money to the business. Wrestling isn’t shooting, but entertainment isn’t a dirty word and things like wrestlers booking to suit their egos dates back to the 20s. Dave says the wrestlers who have learned to do today’s craft and not an outdated style that won’t connect, should be commended and respected. If you know how to work for your audience, can maintain conditioning, and work hard to get yourself over, you’re the kind of wrestler Dave respects. If you don’t respect the paying customers and think steroids can substitute for knowing your shit, Dave thinks less of you for it. Using steroids doesn’t disqualify you from respect - a lot of great workers are well conditioned and use the stuff to maintain the size that pleases the promoters. He just dead refutes the idea that wrestling was legit in Bruno’s day or that he never bladed. He also talks about Vince and that Vince has on the one hand had a very negative influence on ring style, but he’s opened wrestling up to the larger media landscape and that’s a good thing.
  • Dave rates Savage vs. DiBiase from the April 25 Madison Square Garden show 4 stars. A rare high mark for a WWF match at this point.
Watch: DiBiase vs. Savage at MSG
  • Harley Race will be out for several months. He ruptured his intestine and had to have 18 inches of it removed.
  • Big Bubba’s coming next week with a prison guard gimmick and will likely be built up for Hogan’s return.
  • Owen Hart is now apparently 50-50 on coming to WWF.
  • Ricky Steamboat has apparently quit WWF. He was scheduled for the MSG show against Greg Valentine, but wasn’t there and wasn’t on tv. It could just be a hiatus, but Dave reckons he’s gone.
  • Dave wants us to confirm, but does Matilda look different than she used to?
NEXT WEEK: Midnight Rider unmasked, Jerry Lawler becomes AWA World Champion, Roddy Piper comes to Oregon, Clash II announced for June 8, and more!
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2020.10.13 19:33 roblox_player69420 Penis synonyms

arrow, bamboo, banana, beef, beef stick, big bad John, Big Fatty, big fella, big ten-inch, bird, blue cow, bologna pony, boner (erect), bottom rocker, bozack, brains, Bubba, bull-dog, ca-ca, cannon, cave explorer, chew toy, chub, chubby, cock, corundum column, cucumber, Cyclops, dang, dick, dildo, ding-a-ling, ding-ding, ding-dong, dip-stick, dong, doinker, donger, dork, dude, duke, equipment, Fast Freddie, flag pole, flip-flop, fuck-stick, garden hose, George (almost any proper male name), Gila monster, good old 12 inch long, gum, gun, hammer, Mr. Happy, hard-on (erect), heat seeking moisture missile, helmet, Herman, the one-eyed German, hog, Holmes, honker, hot dog, instrument, jack hammer, Jake, Jimmy, joy stick, Little Johnny, the Johnson, John Thomas, juice-maker, key to heaven, kick-stand, the king, lance, lingam, lipstick, the little guy, little Elvis, little helmet man, little monster, lizard, lollipop, lotus root, love gun, love handle, love muscle, love probe, love pump, love python, love rod, love stick, magic wand, maleness, the man, manhood, man-tool, meat, member, middle leg, Mr. Happy, Mr. Microphone, morning missile, the monster, MX, main muscle, monkey, needle dick, noodle, Oh Henry, one-eyed heated viper, one-eyed Cyclops, one-eyed monster, one-eyed purple warrior of love, one-eyed snake, one-eyed spit monkey, one-eyed tool, one-eyed trouser trout, one-eyed viper, one-eyed wonder worm, organ, package, panhandle (from "A Clockwork Orange"), partner, passion pole, pecker, pee-pee, peenie, peenpeen, peni, Peter pangus, piney, pods, pole, pork sword, Peter, peter, phallus, pickle, pile driver, pink pencil, Pinochio's wooden balls, pleasure pleaser, pistol, pocket pistol, poison dart, pork, power drill, power shooter, pride and joy, privates, prod, prick, pud, purple headed love dart, purple helmet, purple headed soldier or warrior, purple people eater, pussy finger, pussy tamer, putter, python of pleasure, Ralph, red, the red rocket, rigid rocket, rod, romp wrangler, root, rump burger, Russell the love muscle, salami, sausage, schlong, schmuck, schwantz, scrodog, semi-sport, sex pistol, shaft, 6" (six inch), skin flute, snake, schwanson, stick, still, one-eyed trouser monster, stiffy, stump, stump plunger, swanson, hooded sword, tailwhacker, tallywacker, teeter, third leg, thing, the big thing or thang, throbbing manhood, tinkle, tinkler, Tony, tool, torpedo, tower of power, tree, tripod, trouser trout, one eyed trouser trout, troublemaker, tower of power, tube steak, tube steak smothered in underwear, turkey neck, unit, main vein, viper, unit, wand, war club, wang, wanger, wanker, warrior of love, wazoo, weapon, weasel, wee-wee, weiner, wiennie,, Mr. Wiggly, whanger, white/black root, white porpoise of love, wick wacker, Wilbur, woman's home companion, wong, wing-wong, wonder wand, Willie the wonder worm, Willy, one-eyed wonder worm, worm, wooter
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2020.10.09 13:08 House_of_Suns /r/QOTSA Official Band of the Week 23: KING BUFFALO

So when you think of cities with high culture and vibrant music scenes on the east coast, what springs to mind? Obviously New York. Thanks to Drake, we all know about the growing music scene in Toronto. You prahbahbly musta tawt a Bawstan tew. Maybe Montreal or Philadelphia or even Baltimore crossed your mind.
Hah. Baltimore.
Time to check your cultural bias, pal. You passed over a quiet little city on the south shore of Lake Ontario, nestled in the Genesee River valley. It has a history as a hotbed of Abolitionism and Women’s Rights. It is the home of Eastman Kodak, Xerox, Bausch & Lomb, Western Union, Ragu and other innovative companies. It has a lively music scene, great nightclubs, world-renowned universities, thriving museums, arts & culture festivals, and (back when we could actually attend it) live theatre. It is a true cultural gem that many folks overlook.
Yep. You bet your ass I am talking about Rochester, New York.
Since we know that Stoner Rock can come from anywhere, it should be no surprise that Rochester has produced one of the leading bands in this genre. This week we are going to check out a band you are going to want to listen to. If you know them, you love them. If you haven’t heard of them, you are going to thank me.
This week’s band is KING BUFFALO.
About Them
Hold on a sec. King Buffalo? Not King Rochester?
To be fair, King Rochester sounds like the villain in a Disney movie. Kinda hard to imagine that on a T-Shirt. King New York sounds like a particularly obnoxious Yankees fan (and yeah, finding a Yankees fan that isn’t obnoxious is a tough go). King Albany sounds like a car made by Kia.
But King Buffalo? That just works.
Our heros didn’t start out together. King Buffalo were made up of members of two other Rochester area bands.
Randall Coon and Scott Donaldson were playing together in Velvet Elvis. That five piece band played heavy rock with space-based themes in the early 2010’s. Sean McVay and Dan Reynolds were in another band called Abandoned Buildings Club (side note: kinda neat that their initials were ABC), who had a pure psychedelic rock vibe. When both VE and ABC appeared to be having limited success, the four musicians decided to merge their talents into one band. Coon had handled vocals and guitar in Velvet Elvis and Donaldson had been rock solid on drums. McVay had done vocals and guitar in Abandoned Buildings Club and Reynolds had anchored the sound with his bass. All the pieces were there for a classic Beatles-esque lineup.
So out of the wreckage of ABC and VE, KB arose. The four members gelled so well that they were able to record their first demo - aptly titled Demo - in just two days. Their sound was immediately compared to tourmates and close friends All Them Witches. But where ATW were bluesy and sludgy, King Buffalo had produced songs full of space. Oh, there were heavy riffs for sure - but there were passages of music that were contrastingly lighter and further apart. The best example of these contrasts can be found in the more than 11 minutes of Providence Eye. The first six and a half minutes come at you at a lulling pace, enveloping you in the moment. You get swept up in the rolling riffs. But then the drop happens and you suddenly realize the song has been building to this peak. The tempo picks up and you ride a relentless rollercoaster until you hit the Black Sabbath-inspired outro, which takes you home. It is an emotional experience. The two other tracks - In Dim Light and Pocket Full of Knife are smaller essays on the same theme.
It was clear right from Demo that King Buffalo had some serious talent. But if you have listened to the band you will notice that one thing is starkly different on Demo than from any of their other releases: the vocals. Randall Coon was the lead vocalist on these recordings. If you play them up against anything since by the band they stand out. Our very own QotSA may have successfully had multiple vocalists on multiple tunes, but King Buffalo was destined to have Sean McVay take over the mic. Shortly after 2013’s Demo, Coon left the band to do a solo project called Skunk Hawk.
King Buffalo stood at a crossroads: did they look to replace Coon, or should they carry on as a Power Trio? The choice for them was obvious. McVay, Reynolds and Donaldson knew that they had fantastic potential together. They decided they didn't need anyone else.
Side note: Regular readers of these write ups know that All Them Witches just went through this exact crisis in 2019. What I didn’t share then is that ATW are close friends with KB. I would not be surprised to learn that ATW had some serious conversations about their lineup with the boys from KB before they, too, decided last year to pare down to just three members.
To re-christen their new lineup, in 2015 King Buffalo went in on a split EP with Swedish band Lé Betre (I mean, hooking up with a Swedish partner is a dream of mine, so I see the appeal.) They re-recorded their standout tune Providence Eye with McVay on vocals, as well as two new tracks - Like a Cadillac and New Time. New Time opens their side of the EP with an infectious, descending riff that hooks you immediately. It is clear from the lyrics - No wasting around, it’s a new time - that they had moved on from Coon. Like a Cadillac follows up and is a three and a half minute jam that leaves you wanting more. The re-recorded version of Providence Eye closes out their side of the split EP and leaves no doubt that they are in charge. It is a tighter, heavier version, and the amazing outro is so low down that it will make you want to rob your own house.
With their lineup now set, it was time to put together enough music to tour on. In 2016, King Buffalo released Orion. Here you can witness the melding of their influences into something majestic and fantastic, and it is here that they really develop their signature style.
To explain this style, you need to understand basic song structure.
Most pop songs tend to go verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus - chorus. Sure, you could add in a solo for the bridge, or a detailed intro or outro, or another verse - but this is a tried and true formula. Some variation of this dominates the pop charts to this day.
Not with King Buffalo songs. These guys are the masters of the drop, and you hear it in most of their tunes. QotSA fans are no strangers to that long build and release; it is an integral part of tunes like The Evil Has Landed, God is in the Radio, Song For The Dead, and I Appear Missing. One of the sickest drops ever recorded happens in the middle of the Them Crooked Vultures tune No One Loves Me & Neither Do I. It is where the music turns around, and a new riff takes over, often along with a pace change. It is then that you realize that the song has built to this climactic moment, and you are engulfed by the music.
King Buffalo does this better than anyone else, and you hear it clearly articulated, again and again, on the album Orion.
Take the song Kerosene for example.
A rolling bass riff from Reynolds establishes the song right out of the gate. Donaldson produces punchy drum beats with cymbal crashes at the end of each phrase. McVay’s slide guitar rounds out the intro. McVay’s vocals - very Ozzy like, if Ozzy had any semblance of self-control - frame the first verse, which ends in a fuzzy, heavy riff with crashing cymbals. This same pattern is repeated a second time and the drop is teased at just past three minutes in, but does not happen quite yet. The listener’s anticipation builds as the airy, soaring solo from McVay calls out in contrast to the rolling bass. After the guitar solo bridge, the band goes right back into the chorus. But then it happens: THE DROP. Just past 5 minutes in, the song takes a complete and abrupt turn for a totally different riff that is at the same time heavier and brand new, and yet has been there all the while.
What King Buffalo does brilliantly is subvert your musical expectations.
The standard structure is V-C-V-C-B-C-C.
Kerosene is V-C-V-C-B-C-DROP-OUTRO. Just when you subliminally expect something the same, you get something different.
The entire album is like that. Orion hardly sounds like a debut. It is a mature and deliberate soundscape built by talented musicians who are making significant choices about their art. Songs like Drinking From The River Rising open with an expansive and elastic topography, but drill down to the molten lava of heavy riffs and distorted fuzz. Sleeps On A Vine begins with one of the most zen riffs you’ve ever heard and ends in a tumultuous and heavy sonic assault that is pure controlled chaos. Every song on the album is a study in contrasts that leaves you with auditory whiplash and a burning desire for more.
They are that good.
King Buffalo were able to tour on their new material, and did so extensively. They played clubs and larger venues, often with friends and fellow Stoner Rockers All Them Witches and other bands like The Sword and Elder. In 2017, the released the EP Repeater as a follow up. It is just three songs (The vinyl ad reads, All songs on one side! No need to flip!) but it is a heck of a musical journey. The title track off the EP is 13+ minutes long and is one huge build. When the fuzz finally drops after almost 8 minutes, it is a true cathartic moment. It sneaks up on you, and is so welcome when it hits - especially after McVay’s repetition that “Every Day is the Same* - that you intrinsically understand how great it is when things finally change for the better. Too Little Too Late is an instrumental tune that is both enveloping and expansive. It is a terrific bridge to the final track, Centurion, which is an unbelievable groove. Centurion has three minutes of set up leading to an unreal fuzzy drop that is so dirty it will get you evicted from your apartment.
The influence of their touring with All Them Witches can also be seen on their next full length release, 2018’s Longing To Be The Mountain. Ben McLeod from ATW produced the album. ATW, The Sword and Elder are all thanked in the liner notes. The album picks up right where Repeater leaves off, with KB experimenting with long form songs like Morning Song and the title track, and shorter jams like Sun Shivers, Cosmonaut, and Quickening. Reynolds and McVay pepper the songs with synthesizer sounds that add colour and texture to the overall compositions. Donaldson drums with impeccable precision to provide each song with a safe mooring to return to, driving the guitars forward at the same time as he holds the rhythm in check. This is most clearly evident in Eye Of The Storm. The result is a rich tapestry of expansive and flowing music full of heavy jams and storytelling that will leave the listener wanting more. Their signature build-to-sonic-explosion style does not let fans down.
The success of Longing To Be The Mountain allowed for extensive touring across North America and Europe. It also led to appearances at bigger gigs, like at Rockpalast and the Stoned & Dusted desert rock event in 2019. Anyone that has seen any of their live work knows that King Buffalo are simply hypnotizing on stage. Reynolds’ bass work is reminiscent of Geddy Lee with his complex and flowing style. Donaldson brings controlled power to the drum kit, and is ready to cut loose when the drop comes. And McVay has become a true front man, comfortable with the lead voice on guitar and the microphone.
Their most recent release, Dead Star, dropped in 2020 and generated all kinds of buzz in the Stoner Rock scene. Of course, the tour planned to support it got axed when the entire world went into lockdown. But the (short album? EP? New material?) is simply fantastic. Red Star Pt. 1 & 2 continues their long form examination and has everything you’d expect from them. Echo of A Waning Star is a lament of just over 3 minutes that is near-perfect. Ecliptic sounds like the soundtrack to a John Carpenter movie and is a complete jam with serious cool 1980’s vibes. Dead Star, the title track, is almost Radiohead-esque in its evocative and regretful take on death and decay.
But the standout track has to be Eta Carinae, which has one of the greatest musical drops and turn-arounds you will ever hear. The entire song pivots just past four minutes in and becomes a 70’s anthem worthy of Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath. If you listen to no other tune here today, you have to check it out. It will absolutely get stuck in your head.
Even though they could not tour, King Buffalo have not been idle during the Quarantine. Their Quarantine Series on Youtube shared excerpts from their catalogue with fans, all played live. They have been back in the studio, and have promised MULTIPLE full length albums of new material coming our way, starting in 2021. They even have (optimistically) set tour dates for next year.
Some of us learned to bake during quarantine. Some of us got baked. I, for one, am super stoked that KB kept on writing and recording. I cannot wait for Rochester’s finest sons to release new material. I want everyone to hear this band because they really are something special.
Links to QOTSA
We know that QotSA front man Josh Homme and Kyuss invented Stoner Rock in the 1990’s. They were the genre-defining band. King Buffalo (and other bands like All Them Witches) have picked up this proverbial torch and are now bringing the sound to the next generation of fans. King Buffalo drummer Scott Donaldson is known to be a huge QotSA fan. Perhaps he saw them live when they played in Rochester in 2014 in support of ...Like Clockwork.
It is also sometimes easy to forget that Josh was not the only architect of the low desert sound. Original Kyuss Drummer and co-founder Brant Bjork wrote many Kyuss tunes and continues to be a leader in the music scene today. King Buffalo have played with Bjork at festivals three times: Freak Valley Festival, Black Deer Festival and the aforementioned Stoned & Dusted. There is also a planned collaborative project between Bjork and King Buffalo that may be coming our way soon.
The future is bright, my friends.
Their Music
Providence Eye
In Dim Light
Pocket Full of Knife
King Buffalo songs from the Split EP with Lé Betre
Kerosene -- live in 2016
Drinking From The River Rising
Orion - entire album on Genesee Live
RepeateCenturion -- Recorded Live in the Quarantine Sessions put out by the band
Live at Rockpalast in 2019 - includes songs from LTBTM
Longing To Be The Mountain - Quarantine Sessions
Quickening -- everything is cool until the snake head pops out. Red Star Pt. 2 -- the official video
Ecliptic
Eta Carinae
Dead Star - Full Album
Show Them Some Love
/KingBuffalo - C’mon, everyone -- there are just 96 subscribers. Those are rookie numbers. You gotta pump those numbers up.
Previous Posts
Tool
Alice in Chains
King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard
Rage Against the Machine
Soundgarden
Run the Jewels
Royal Blood
Arctic Monkeys
Ty Segall
Eagles of Death Metal
Them Crooked Vultures
Led Zeppelin
Greta Van Fleet
Ten Commandos
Screaming Trees
Sound City Players
Iggy Pop
Mastodon
The Strokes
Radiohead
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ZZ Top
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2020.09.09 13:50 Sanity0004 Documenting my first time through The Challenge Part 9(Battle of the Exes 2)

I'm back and going through Battle of the Exes 2. Long in depth thoughts through each episode with a TL:Doverall thoughts of the season at the end. Ran out of room to add much more preamble to this so check out previous posts if you're interested.
Battle of the Exes II
EP 1:
Going just by the quick intro it looks like their budget went up. Lot of glances at much more involved challenges.
Not Johnny R again. :/
Fucking Knight again with a mullet.
CT saying he shaved his beard since Diem was going to be there is hilarious.
Wes looking skinny these last couple seasons is so weird.
I like John the rookie comedian immediately. Very self aware, which doesn't seem like it'd be good for this show.
CT and Diem pairs again? I mean I didn't assume she'd be with someone else, but seems weird to do the same duo a second time.
"..and she had no gag reflex." Zach is gross and a douche right from the jump.
Sarah and Jordan seem like a good pair.
Nany "I have options" wow, self burn?
Bananas?!?! Damn Nany, literally who don't you go through? No judging but damn, Bananas?!
If Theresa is strong this season, her and Wes could be great. I feel like her perception of a strong challenger came out of nowhere last season though.
This first like 5 minutes seems more explicitly sexual than any of the previous seasons lol Straight up talking about gag reflexes, world class bj's, getting caught in the bathroom. They like pushing the exes and hook up factor super hard?
Wait...so was Dustin just lying his ass off last season? He said he had some "agreement" with Heather but that he was single on Free Agents? So he wasn't and THAT's what Jessica was talking about at the reunion?
Most of these rookies just seem like they were cast by some completely other production company or something. They seem like they were cast for comedic possibilities, rather than actual personalities. It just seems like a huge swing in casting style. I hope this isn't like a shifting in focus?
I love CT, I will try not to say it as often this season.
"Take my dog on the most ridiculous vacation." Wes has his priorities straight
I swear "Shut the fuck up" is the most common words to come out of Bananas' mouth.
OK, these houses are really getting ridiculous. This place looks like a resort.
Dustin seems like he's trying too hard. Like he's trying to pick up on this Jessica/Jay joke/rumor, but he just kind of runs too much with it and just keeps going on. But it seems like it's more to appease the people around rather than like he actually cares? It seems so weird and awkward?
Bus and flying to another bus to just the first comp? They definitely got their budget upped this season. Last season all the comps were in the same damn watering hole lmao
Not to be an instant naysayer, but I hate these kind of comps. They're just boring as hell. Oh, you gotta walk across a big height and you might fall. The effect is more on the cast than viewers, it just becomes boring and repetitive for viewers.
CT seemed to have the best idea, but Diem seemed to not want to do it. Just get a big push and hang on while CT holds her. They did it the first little bit, but it didn't seem like she pushed all that hard.
I feel like a Wes first power couple is the best possible choice for potential drama.
I'm glad Theresa's sketchy ass vote from Free Agents has stuck with her. Purely because it was just so stupid.
"The Banana one"
Johnny just trying to nonchalantly swim over to listen to their convos.
Wes trying to get on the good side of rookies? Seems like a bold strategy. They're a lot more volatile and emotional and probably a lot easier to break and beat down the line. But also more likely to fuck you somewhere along the line.
I feel like sending Bananas in right away is dumb when you know he'll likely stay. At least get an idea for the eliminations before you send him in. So you have better knowledge. Him and Nany are probably automatically in the top 3 or 4 of pairs for the whole season. Sending them against some rookies is just dumb.
Is Dustin on the outs really because of his gay porn? Or is it just because he's awkward and seems to get along with the women a lot more than the guys? I could definitely see a lot of these guys being put off by the dude being in gay porn, but he also just seems like he's trying too hard all the time.
"You threw me in on the ruins." I feel like that is extremely putting The Ruins lightly.
Wes really just seems like he's having fun with this meeting. Like he just wants to scare Johnny.
Yeah, I could literally see that conversation ending with Wes saying "I'm not throwing you in, I'm just messing with you." and that being why Johnny says "Fuck you for even making me have this conversation then." I feel like Wes was having fun with it and editors wanted to use it for suspense.
Dustin and Jessica going in first really does seem like a "random" ass choice... You literally could have thrown in the other Johnny and said he skated by last season and you can't have it happen again. Or anything. Seems weird to say Jessica/Dustin are in the middle so...bye.
This comp looks simple but interesting still. I like it.
Welp, Dustin/Jessica gone. I feel like there was something more going on with this social dynamic in some way.
Drunken Diem dancing. A Diem season staple.
Weird, seeing the people leaving?
The Challenge actually enacting twists? I kind of liked the purity and straight forward aspect of the show! :/
Exes II: Ponderous edition
EP 2:
The Real World Explosion is such a dumb name. Ran out of dynamic locations?
"Get the fuck over it! Something happened you didn't like in the past!" Well, Jordan has a way with words... I think I'm getting the character turn...
Well it seems Johnny has already established the friendship in the house and that everyone is going to have his side.
A suck and blow competition, yeah they're definitely leaning in to it.
Johnny not getting by this season! lol
If Avery and Johnny somehow win, I feel like Avery is an episode away from quitting.
Ok, this ball and bat section is hilarious.
Can you not just spit the peanut butter out? You just have to get it off with your tongue, not eat it? Did I miss that part of the instructions?
Apparently they couldn't just spit it out?
"Vets, vets, vets!" Just really helping Wes and his case of getting the rookies after you aren't you Bananas?
Wes and Bananas going back to back? Will they go for it?
Nany being the one who's wanting to pull the trigger? lol
Nany ain't fuckin' around this season. Damn.
Theresa fucking this up more than anything. You're just being stubborn. Did you learn these habits from Laurel?
"You'd be dumb not to put us in." Theresa, sit down.
Uh oh. Diem not feeling well :( Every Diem moment is just going to be ominous.
They're really just repeating this boring elimination challenge? That definitely seems like a choice.
I would love nothing more than for Johnny to go out his very first elimination.
Damn, Johnny gets to stay. Not a big let down as the other two seem entirely forgettable. I just wanted Johnny out for spite.
Nany just seems to have come in to this season with a mission to be confrontational. Why does Avery being jealous and not ok with with you and Johnny happening have to be addressed? Just give it time and let it try to develop?
This weird Jay stuff is....weird.
It's a bummer with how CBS all access puts up the ads for their site because the Diem and Knight memorial pictures flash on the screen for like a half second before going to a commercial and coming back to the previews.
EP 3:
I figured this, but Johnny seems childish.
CT being pulled by producer?!
Geesh, CT is not having any of this. Killer look to the producer and just puts the phone off speaker lol Good for you CT.
Man, this is heart crushing too watch.
Oh god, seeing Nia actually sucking her thumb is unsettling. Stop it!
God this is sad and soul crushing. I can't do this!
"Only way I usually go home this early is when I hit somebody." Still able to joke lol
Well there went about a third of this seasons competitiveness.
Bananas and Jordan walking in talking about the possibilities of the comp doesn't really seem all that standoffish to me.
Jenna, your face ain't all that cute and you seem to have the personality of a brick wall.
Theresa's hand getting stuck lmao "MY HAND! MY HAND! MY HAND!" It kept you on, count it as a blessing.
I can't wait for Knight and Pennsetucky to go.
Jemmye off instantly, maybe I'll get what I want this episode.
Zach not waiting until the final to start screaming at his female partner...
I'm assuming players must have wised up to the fact that it's not always benneficial to go last? Especially on something like this where it could rain and effect grip. Just put yourself a couple groups back to get an idea but not last in case it does rain.
Simone and John must be gone here. I thought John would be funny and interesting to have in the house but he's had literally zero screen time since the introductions.
"I want Bananas in the final." What in the fuck? What are you smoking Jordan? You're just going past hoping to have yourself in the final, but you want to have Bananas beside you guys to beat him?
"I'm the same way, out of all the girls in the house, I never want to say your name." The unsaid part of "Your partner on the other hand..."
The problem with playing the middle game Sarah is that sooner or later it becomes hard to hide what you're doing because someone expects you to show your hand or make a decision sooner or later.
The good news though, is that this game is better when there is apposing sides politically. One big alliance just ruins the game, just look at modern Big Brother. It destroys the game and makes it not worth watching.
Food eating Elim?
Oh shit...a replacement for CT/Diem? I actually didn't expect that. Hopefully some good competitors.
Well what the shit, why even say shit? Jesus.
Oh shit, they brought back I Can from the duel but with food? NICE! I actually liked that comp idea, but thought it wasn't handled well at all.
Milk on the table makes me think spicy stuff.
Simmone...chick. It's a betting challenge and you go lower...
These guys are completely clowning the Are You The One cast lol
Don't give me weird ass slow mo while he's inserting a damn brownie in his mouth.
These rookies man...
"A little urgency!"
These rookies have no damn drive. Jesus.
The first vet that gets eliminated is going to have an easy ass time with whatever the hell Exile is. Just filling up that house with all these shitty rookies.
EP 4 - EP7 missing. It was probably a lot of celebrating. Knight and Pennsetucky get taken out, then Johnny/Nany. "Groupon pussy" was an amazing line that was said. Rookies still suck. blah blah blah
EP 8:
I'm going to start this episode by bitching about how much the CBS all access app/site sucks. The app is terrible, I constantly get double dose of ads, the app literally needs reset every 2 episodes because the app itself gets bogged down and starts lagging. The website constantly just freezes up between ad breaks and flipping back to the show. I've had times where the episode didn't keep track of my progress on an episode and I had to fast forward through the episode and I then had to sit through all 3-4 ad breaks before it got to where it needed to be.
I'm usually all for the Rookies coming in and fucking up the game and killing the vets gang up mentality, but the rookies this season are just damn terrible. They're not interesting, they have no real killer mentality, they stuck competitively. This cast is booty.
Sarah having to be the one too initiate some kind of team bonding is a damn bummer. Jordan is an asshole and it sucks Sarah wants a win that bad that she's the one to suck it up and feed in to Jordans ego.
TJ telling the crew about the guys having to be on the outside makes think this definitely comes up and isn't just a safety thing.
"Too fucking easy. I hesitated." Yeah, Leroy and Nia probably would have killed that if Nia didn't hesitate so long.
Jonna being able to jump back in time was great. Damn
This is a cool ass comp, but seems more cool than easy.
Zach flipping out for no reason. He just wants to flip out. Chill the fuck out.
Sarah's enthusiasm is kinda getting overboard...
Jordan completely fucked that up. He hugged the wall when coming back and yelld for Sarah to go. I mean, you gotta be the one to stay aware of where you're going and standing.
"Well, you did exactly what they told you not to do, so you need to do a better job of paying attention." TJ laying it down.
Jonna crying, Zach walks up and opens up with "I'm going to explain where all my anger is coming from..." follows up with "What did I blame you for that wasn't your fault?" God damn Zach. You flipped out for no damn reason and there was no blame, you just flipped your shit.
"You give the two black people fried chicken... I ain't even mad. I'm going to enjoy it." and "Surprise, motherfucker." I'm liking Leroy this season.
Zach asking to make Jay tremble. What in the hell is wrong with Zach?
I feel like Wes is completely lying about Zach being his number 1 just to hope he gets him thrown in lmao
"I hope you learned a lot here tonight too." "That you're a fucking snake..."
"It's guy code." Zach, shut up.
Zach instantly knowing Wes did it. I laugh knowing damn well Leroy and Nia probably went straight to Zach after talking with Wes.
I'm actually not sure who Leroy/Nia are throwing in right now. I feel like the smart play would be Zach or Wes if they're wanting to better get to the end and win, but they could easily just throw in Jay/Jenna to not make a move.
I'm guessing Jay/Jenna and all this talk really just gets Zach flipping out more after this.
Also seriously what the fuck is happening with the Exile house? There's four couples after this?
I don't understand them all fawning over Wes being such a great manipulator. He really didn't say much other than "Don't throw me in, throw my biggest partner in so you become my biggest partner." What?! You people are so easily swayed and accepting of just anything?
Going to Jay and Jenna and demanding a thanks lmao wow what a power trip
A sledgehammer elimination...for Jordan. Eesh this guy doesn't get the best luck when it comes to elim's
Oh nevermind, he's killing it lol
Zach is definitely doing this stupidly. He's getting barely any surface area of the hammer on the beam. He's basically trying to chop the damn thing in half by hitting the corner of the hammer.
Jordan walking to the beam and away from it to hand sarah the hammer is just about the same way the rookies have approached these elims.
They're somehow selling the Jonna and Sarah closeness but they seem farther apart than Jordan and Zach were. Editing!
Really hope Sarah gets a win here.
Zach still just whining because Jonna is getting words of encouragement lol
Hey it looks like Johnny and Nany may actually have some competition now.
Seriously if someone isn't coming back like right now this is the most bullshit twist. Ok, there's instantly a tease for it. I was about to say...
EP 9:
Wes getting this far and then getting messy out of fear? Where have I seen this before?
Jordan saying "I'm done wheeling and dealing." Your mark on this season is mostly not making deals lol
Jordan being mad at how Theresa talks to people is fucking hilarious. Wes calling it out. "On the asshole scale you are easily over Theresa."
I get where Jordan is coming from not just wanting to help the biggest competition in Wes. But if he plans on future appearances on The Challenge, it's real damn dumb to just show vets that you aren't open to working together at the end.
Jordan is completely bullshitting lol He started talk about Theresa by saying he didn't want to make the deal because he doesn't like the way Theresa acts and talks to people. Like she's queen of the place and she's a bitch. Why would Wes even bring up Theresa to compare Jordan to if he didn't talk shit first? Just randomly picks his partner to compare Jordan to?
"We're here and now, not ten years ago with roided up Wes." hahahahahaha
I honestly wouldn't say Wes used to do roids, he more seems like the rivals 1 final completely altered how he prepares for these challenges. It's like he died in that final and switched to way more focus on running and endurance and slimmed the hell down. Especially after fresh meat 2 where it seemed like he could get by pretty well on talent and politicking so why not just prepare more for the final?
Wes' heart looks like it's in his damn stomach as soon as he walks in to the dome.
Leroy "What the fuck ya'll clapping for?!"
There's been a whole losers bracket? Where the fuck has that been shown?!
Wes instantly "It's going to be Bananas"
Wes is instantly not enthused. He looks miserable.
I hate that this losers bracket has just gone on and not been shown at all. Was this maybe shown on their website at the time or something?
In Wes' eyes this would just fucking suck. You played a pretty damn good political game. Had a lot of weaker people going just to further help Banana's and Nany to get back in the game with 1 or 2 challenges left before the finals. And they're coming back with a lot of momentum. I'd be pissssssed.
I'm all for it from a tv watcher though, because otherwise this would have been a landslide boring season.
Another elim rehash. I wasn't a huge fan of this one though. At least this time around they aren't having to pull around a fucking 10 inch rope.
Is...Zach and Jonna winning this?
Jordan helping Bananas is like the dumbest twist of fate ever. The guys by all accounts hated each other. Bananas would probably beat Jordan in most challenges and final. Is it solely out of anger for Wes? lol
I am so confused on what happened during that? By all appearances Zach and Jonna had an easier set of rope/knots to work with, were shown well behind multiple times. Then all of a sudden it's like Zach/Jonna made zero progress.
Zach blaming Jonna lmao Fucking Zach
There's Bananas being that "Humble winner" that he loves to tout and bitch about Jordan with...
I think Wes is overstating just how much he's done, but it would absolutely blow to get to this point and just have your worse adversary come back in the game.
Bananas on the fucking high horse all over again... I really don't understand when people say they don't know where the Bananas hate comes from. He talks like he plays a certain way, but then when you actually see him play...it's nothing like how he talks about. It's bullshit. He's a douche. Talking all this shit about Wes making a ddeal with the devil. We can bring up how much shit you've done to get to some of your finals dude. The island, making a deal with Ev to fuck over your own alliance, to only fuck them over again and leave out the girls. The ruins fucking over everyone and passing it off as "fair" and what everyone wants, until it gets down to you and you flip your shit that you're going to go in. You've constantly played like shit all the way up to Free Agents where you actually had to do shit and then you had the constant best partners since then with Frank and now Nany.
Wes trembling.
Hey, I remember this challenge from Fresh Meat... The show has come a long way from throwing balls around while standing on tree stumps to now being elevated above water and doing it.
Nia literally can't stand? lol
TJ advocating for someone to quit?! Who is this man?!?! I've never seen this man before.
Damn! Jordan got a huge ball hit on Wes lol Point blank head shot that apparently Wes didn't see coming at all.
Leroy trying not to jump lol
I feel like everyone should have been throwing that to Bananas. Let him put the blood on his own hands. He has a choice of either going back on his word or give Wes an easy win. See which matters more to him. Ya'll just did his work for him, making sure Wes goes to the dome and then being able to jump out and not have to worry about going in. Ya'll dumb.
Jordan suddenly being a fucking Johnny boot licker is certainly fucking something.
Yeah Leroy, Ya'll are stupid. You can't talk much shit Leroy, you would have been talked in to doing the same shit. You put in Zach instead of Wes only because Wes said not to lol
Apparently people in this game don't view returning players the same way as Survivor or Big Brother. Those mother fuckers instantly have a target on their backs when they come back in no matter what the party lines are(most of the time). How you don't instnatly just throw them back in the dome seems crazy. You already left once, why should someone who's made it this far deal with the risk of possibly going home? At least that's usually the mentality around this type of situation.
Nia is at least calling it true. I'm not saying it isn't the worse of the decisions, but she's definitely calling it true as hell.
This Nany/Johnny vs Nia blowup is my life. Give them alllllllll the shit.
The thing that wasn't talked about enough is how Johnny threw it knowing he'd be safe and knowing Leroy would be going in. Leroy got used and played and doesn't even realize it.
Ep 10:
Theresas smile during this fight is Chef's kiss
Sarah being straight up. "Yeah, I want to make this easier for myself going forward. It's a game." I think Nia is 100% vindicated in what she's saying about Johnny/Nany, but the reasoning behind it doesn't matter.
Fucking Johnny trying to talk fucking shit afterward. Seriously going to Leroy like nothing was done out of line and acting like Nia is insane and ruining everything. Somehow Johnny just keeps being able to play his bullshit politics and act like he's the nice guy afterward.
Crazy to think Sarah's been on 8 seasons already. Maybe because of the early dq's with teammates makes it seem smaller but I feel like it hasn't been that damn many.
I hate the echo chambers that these games create within themselves. Everyone who came up with the decision, who agrees to the decision, and is in no way getting screwed by the decision sitting in a room laughing about the people being upset being insane is just hilariously blind and inept.
I am liking the trend of not showing these elims until the contenders see it.
Hall brawl....Well bye Wes/Theresa. Sucks for you that you played a pretty great game and get fucked over by a twist.
Just for reference it isn't just that it's Nany/Johnny walking back in the game that makes me dislike the twist. I don't usually like twists at all in these shows unless they're known by everyone before hand so they can be played around. Even if CT and Diem walk back in the house somehow I'd still have an issue with it.
I think Wes knows they're already out. He doesn't look in it at all.
Both teams envisioning Nany is pretty hilarious.
Yeah, I'm not sure what that Wes strategy was...
I feel like Wes has a history of quietly quitting when he knows he's already lost. He quit against Ev in FM 2, and now he just lays down and says his head hurts?
"He's fine, he's being a pussy. Karma's a bitch." What in the hell did Wes do? Put you in to get eliminated? lol Fuuuuuck Johnny. "It's a game" "It's a game" "It's a game", but also get killed, karma's a bitch, you're being a pussy.
I literally don't know what Wes is doing lol but man I'm so fucking tired of hearing Johnny talk.
Jordan being an ass licker to Johnny after two whole seasons of Johnny talking non stop shit about him is fucking depressing. What happened to all that pride and ego talk?
It's on one part funny to watch Wes' downfall, but at the same time it's so agrevating watching it come from a twist and at the shit hands of Johnny while he talks shit.
I am not ready for the amount of times I'm going to see Johnny on seasons going forward :/
It was weird hearing shit talking of Nia sucking her thumb and then suddenly seeing it a lot this season. It's fucking WEIRD.
"It was Jordan who did it, you can't blame Bananas." Leroy, you are god damn stupid lol Johnny was talking about this shit before the competition even happened.
Apology tour. Kind of worthless at this point. There's slim pickings and it all doesn't really matter too much at this point.
Seeing the city stuff made me get excited for the idea of a city final again. We were robbed!!!!!
I literally can't get passed the Jordan ball licking of Bananas. What in the holy hell heppened?!
This is kind of a boring challenge to watch leading in to the final...
Why am I still dealing with Jay and Jenna on this damn show?!
At least it seems like these rookies won't skate by to the final and will actually see an elim. I'd rather the vets not have an easy win. The three teams other than the rookies would be a pretty good final as long as Sarah doesn't heat stroke out of this one like Cutthroat.
Uh oh, guess I counted Jordan/Sarah in too soon.
Bananas urging Nany and yelling for her to go and then falling himself is beautiful.
Johnny instantly saying "You know I love you guys" I fucking hate this guy.
They're arguing hahaha Sarah wants to stick to the same damn plan of keeping light weight and Jordan wants to lick fucking boots.
Johnny being upset hahahahahaha
Fuck Johnny. Angry they're not seeing a challenge! hahah Johnny will literally flip every fucking thing on its head when it comes down to him.
Hahahahaha Johnny, if you were concerned about that so much why were you fine with Leroy and Nia going in? Oh because now it's you going in?
I don't get the Johnny love. This dude is 100% fucking two faced. He passes it off like he's this extremely loyal smart player, but all that shit goes out the window when he can say anything against him going in.
Sarah is playing the vet and Johnny's style of game of making their way easier and cutting the fat. He's just mad his arguments are being used against him.
EP 11:
Sarah's absolutely right. "They taught me how to play this way, and now want me to play the nice girl. The nice girl game has fucked me."
Nia mad they don't have the easy elim as well lol
Johnny trying to pretend they would throw in the rookies is fucking hilarious. He talked about it being a game the entire last episode. He screwed over Leroy and Nia and jumped out knowing they wouldn't go in.
I fucking hate Johnny. He's a complete hypocrite.
Nany, Nia and Johnny ganging up on the girl who is the most chipper and least argumentative or confrontational of probably anyone who's been cast ever is definitely something. You guys played too many seasons with Frank.
My favorite thing about the location changes is there is always someone who has to ask where the location is lol
Johnny, I literally don't care if you're excited about something or not. This show is literally your career. You can deal with it.
"Wish I could actually be happy I was here." what a whiny bitch.
I'm with Jenna, down with seafood. Fuck seafood!
The team who hasn't been in an elimination "I've worked my ass off to be here." You're already talking like a vet.
Johnny "I can't deal with anyone else being smart or happy" Bananas
The buddy up between Nany and Nia has surprised me the most. What?! lol How does Johnny just screw people over and ends up best friends again the next day.
Is this Johnny/Evan/Kenny all over again? Sarah already lived through that saga.
Jesus Nia...
"Can we just eat and have one decent fucking day?" Of course Johnny would be the fucking one to say this shit. Talk all kinds of shit, encourage abuse, and then act like you're the victim and just want an easy day. Like you aren't the miserable stupid fuck making is miserable because oh no you have to go into an elimination.
If Nia gets kicked I actually will be bummed. It's deserved, but I wanted to see Leroy/Nia vs Nany/Johnny...again.
"Nia's gone, as if I didn't have enough to think about right now." Oh poor you Johnny. Let's somehow make Nia being taken away about you lol
"I should be able to just relax right now." Mother fucker you should be home. You literally got eliminated weeks ago. You had a twist that got you back in the game and are now going back in to an elimination. You're not owed shit.
I don't want Jay/Jenna in this final even the slightest bit, but fuck off Johnny. Fuck that entitled vet bullshit.
"You've had six eliminations, anything can happen." Of course you'd count the elims to come back in that we didn't even get to see lol you faced some week ass rookies.
Damn you Jay. Nany and Jenna falling in water would have been amazing.
I really don't want Johnny to just have an easy in to the fucking final.
"Nia crossed the line physically with someone and we take that seriously."....now
Do you seriously bring in Leroy another partner right in front of Sarah's face when you pulled her out fucking twice? Once for the same fucking circumstances?!!
Wooooooooooooow
They brought back Theresa to be Leroys partner for just this elim. I'm kind of pissed, but it was also wanted, but also kind of glad? I have so many conflicted feelings.
Fuck this noise in the face of Sarah. Kinda makes sense because she was already there. But at the same time she shouldn't get another chance. But she's going against another team who got another chance. I'm.....kind of ok with it? Mainly because it's against Johnny/Nany, If it was the same circumstance and Johnny/Nany hadn't come back before hand, I don't think I'd be as fine with it. Especially with Sarah sitting right there lmao
Johnny fucking yelling "Owww" Karma's a bitch I think you've said Johnny? Or "He's fine, he's being a pussy"?
Fuck Johnny!
"That's yours Nany! That's your x!" Please get it, because I failed to.
Seriously, when did the perception of Theresa shift over the last couple seasons? All of a sudden Theresa is seen as some challenge threat, where they said she was an upgrade to Nia, they talked her up the previous season as well.
Hahaha I love TJ clearly not standing at a point where he can watch Theresa kick Nany in the face repeatedly lmao he could very clearly just step to that side and watch it all happen, but he decides to keep it as a blind spot hahaha
I would have rather seen Leroy/Johnny both in the final vs Sarah, but god am I happy to see Johnny/Nany gone.
Theresa's first final and yesterday she was at home. Geesh, I am not a fan of twists.
"I would have expected my own mother to screw me over before Sarah." Johnny is such a peice of shit lmao He will literally die on any hill he talks up.
I could honestly see Jay and Jenna quitting lmao
Troll tolls!
They didn't even bother giving Theresa a different jersey lol
"I wanna go out a winner." Sarah talking about being done with The Challenge?
Jay and Jenna are so fucked lmao "We are, of course, going to finish." Yeah....that exact moment makes me think you won't.
I like that TJ still blows the horn as a necessity lol It can't be heard, no one can even see it, but sure let's blow the horn.
EP 12:
Jumping out of a helicopter to swim to a kayak would be fun as hell
"I would shut up a lot of people who talk a lot of crap about me"-Theresa. Have you watched the last couple seasons? People talk you up a lot. You were getting picked first in Free Agents some times over Laurel. In both exes you were considered one of the strongest girls. I know people may not like you but I feel like the last couple seasons you've been considered one of the best competitors for the girls.
Leroy being the one to get yelled at by the girl is hilarious.
"I could buy tons of shoes...a house. I wouldn't have to talk to my family anymore." What?! Jenna why are you still on this season?! lol
Hey, Nia called it. A word puzzle.
Nooooo you left th....ok they ran back and screwed them up. Jesus almost made a rookie mistake of leaving the puzzle there solved.
Hahaha cut back to Jay and Jenna talking about them working so hard to get here.
Flashbacks to Sarah getting DQ'd because of her partners lol in the final where Leroy gets a partner given to him.
What the hell is this path? lol cows now goats.
God damn, Sarah and Jordan take those first glasses like champs. Damn!
Quit calling it flip cup. It's not the same thing! lol
They're talking about Leroy and Theresa being on the heels of Sarah and Jordan when they're just now getting to the cows. They aren't even to the goats yet lol They aren't on their heels at all.
Yeah, Sarah and Jordan are gone and still no Leroy/Theresa
Jay and Jenna fucking walking after the checkpoint lol wow
I could get through almost all sick food things, but this weird half solid liquid would be a damn struggle for me lol
I need a counter for how many times Jenna says "whatever" for no reason
I can not imagine puking multiple times and forcing yourself to jog afterward lmao
"Oh it's a drinking game." Jenna says before seeing whats in the cups
I almost want to puke watching this.
The role reversal with Jenna haha
I will be SHOCKED if they aren't quitting. Shocked
People saying "I've never quit" have almost certainly quit.
"Are you crying? Are you serious?!" TJ, I love you.
Jay/Jenna, I wanna give you shit because you took Johnny and Nany's spot in the final making it a really interesting final, but at the same time. Johnny kind of made his own bed.
"You know how much shit twitter is going to give us?" Flashes twitter handles!!! I am dead. straight dead.
"A TUBE!!!!!!!"
First flip cup, now corn hole.
That's a huge goddamned lead blown. There had to be some struggling that wasn't shown. Jesus.
Theresa acting like she's shocked they're puking because of this caviar.
30 min time limit on this checkpoint doesn't seem to make sense if they have to run back for the rocks. Why even bother running and eating more tubes if you can just sit there and not tire yourself out? You don't even have to make it blatent, just struggle to eat the caviar.
I feel like the editing isn't doing a great job, or just don't have much to work with lol They're trying to paint like Leroy and Theresa are right on the heels of Sara/Jordan, but every time they show Leroy/Theresa they're barely traveling at all, but when they're showing Sarah and Jordan, outside of her having to stop to shit, they have been going fast as hell.
This sleeping situation lol
Theresa talking TRUTH!!!!! Johnny don't give a fuck about you Leroy. You're an idiot.
"What happened to Wes?" He got fucked by a twist...
"So I guess they were a layup." That's fucking right!
Five minute lead is pretty ridiculous. But I hate two day finals anyways, so...
Didn't Leroy have trouble on a climb previously? Or am I just thinking of Zach? I'm not sure.
Happy to see Sarah/Jordan get a win.
I have a feeling this reunion will be really interesting. Hope it has a good host.
If anything, this season has made me like Leroy more. Even though he got played and fails to realize it.
I completely forgot CT/Diem were on this season.
Reunion:
Weird to have Nia on the reunion?
Fucking Nia starting already. Jesus christ.
Johnny is such a whiny bitch. "I have never played that game." What in the hell lmao
Johnny trying to have the high ground here is hilarious.
"She will never win again because she branded herself a traitor." I love LOVE that Johnny has been able to shake off how he played with Kenny/Evan lmao The difference between Johnny and Sarah is that Sarah had the balls to just straight up make the move where Johnny just sits in the back while he convinces others to do it for him.
"Sexual harassment usually does that." Zach with the perfect statement on Nia. Why the fuck is she on the reunion? They just wanted someone on Johnny's side to talk shit to Sarah?
"This is the first season I've ever had any drama with girls." You came in to the house with previous drama. You can't come in to the season and immediately call out Theresa if there already wasn't a past. There may not have been a lot of drama, but that's basically a lie.
"There was a catalyst that got her to that point." Can we cut to an episode before where Johnny was calling Nia a fucking psycho and that she was off her rocker? lmao That's befor the supposed catalyst that Johnny is trying to excuse for Nia.
This is the type of shit of WHY I HATE JOHNNY it's so god damn clear how he plays, but he fucking tries to bitch about how other people play. Johnny outside of the house or on the face of everything he will be loyal as possible. He will defend people, like NIA, he will trash anyone who goes against any of his people, but he will turn around and have Jordan put Leroy/Nia in the elimination and act like it's just the smart move. He catches no fucking shit for it. It doesn't fucking stick to him because he isn't the one doing it. He's a spineless hypocrite.
Fuck this noise of trying to excuse Nia. Nia even being on the reunion is ridiculous but everyone standing up for her is absurd. They're mad at sarah and jordan so they'll excuse anything.
Wes really seems like he leaves the challenge house and just lets go of everything. He comes to these reunions and barely says a word.
Haha Everyone saying the layup was smart, but everyone mad at Sarah for using it. That makes sense lmao
"Everyone got a second chance and I went home. Even her(Theresa) Yeah Wes, you kinda got screwed.
Johnny HATES Wes getting all this praise for playing a great game.
Johnny saying Wes promises everyone everything and then gets them eliminated one by one his hilarious considering CT(I'm pretty sure it was him) said that about Johnny's game in a previous season.
Was really about to wonder if they were going to mention Knight and Diem. They kind of do them dirty only having them at the last 5 minutes and just having the biggest asshole at the reunion talk about Knight.
Overall Season thoughts:
Kind of a middling to lower season for me. Half the cast was complete filler and uninteresting. Rookies weren't only bad they just had no real fight or drive in them at all. I don't like twists in these games at all and to see one handled so poorly made me hate it even more. Nothing was shown of the exile at all, we as viewers didn't even know what was going to happen with them until suddenly Johnny/Nany show up. It also ultimately did nothing but make one episode interesting and get Wes out of the house. Literally every person on the season got a second chance but Wes lol that's just hilarious and fucked up.
That being said, I think Wes' game strategy is boring. It made most of the season boring and likely wouldn't have worked if there was even a little more people on the season who were competent.
I still hate Johnny and I'm still completely mystified when people ask about the Johnny hate or not understanding it. I seriously don't understand how you see how Johnny plays or portrays himself, but then see how he describes how he plays and portrays himself and not see a huge degree of difference between the two. He's a complete hypocrite and two faced. He will yell until he is blue in the face about being loyal and how everyone else is playing a dirty game, but he's also the same person who talks about Leroy/Nia needing to go in to beat Wes and then throwing the comp to not be the one to have to do it. He's a complete bitch and I am so damn tired of him. At least Sarah had the balls to make the move of putting him in the dome herself. She didn't throw the comp so someone else would have to do it. If you were so worried about the rookies not making the finals then why didn't you say the rookies needed to go against Wes? Oh was it because getting revenge on Wes was more important than your fake morals and making sure your alliance is safe?
submitted by Sanity0004 to MtvChallenge [link] [comments]


2020.08.24 18:04 john14325 Rebook every WWE PPV (WrestleMania 1 - 37) part 2

Survivor Series 1987
Team Madness (“Macho Man” Randy Savage, Strikeforce and Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat) /w Miss Elizabeth vs Jimmy Hart’s Foundation (Honky Tonk Man, The Hart Foundation and Danny Davis) /w Jimmy Hart
All of these wrestlers fit perfectly together. Jimmy Hart manages everyone on team Honky. Honky was feuding with Savage and Steamboat throughout 87 over the IC title while the Harts and Strike Force battled for the tag titles often with Dangerous Danny Davis assisting the Harts in their matches. Why these 8 guys weren't working together at this event is beyond me. We also get to see dream matches like Bret vs Savage and Bret vs Steamboat. Savage is the sole survivor for his team.
The Animal Kingdom (Jake “The Snake” Roberts, The British Bulldogs and George “The Animal” Steele) vs The Devious Ones (Kamala, Demolition and Killer Khan) /w Mr. Fuji
Demolition were on the verge of a monster push in 1988, so it seemed odd that they would lose at Survivor Series 87 as they did so instead, they are the sole survivors. This way they can keep their undefeated streak in tact on their path to becoming tag team champions. All of Fuji's wrestlers are paired together, all wearing facepaint to boot, while the babyfaces all have an animal masco accompanying them to the ring: Jake has Damien, The Bulldogs have Matilda, and George had "Mine" a stuffed animal monkey.
Team USA (Bam Bam Bigelow, Koko B. Ware, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Ken Patera vs The Slicksters (One Man Gang, Butch Reed, Nikolai Volkoff and Boris Zhukov) /w Slick
Duggan was way over in 87 and he's definitely the most over out of this group so he’ll be the sole survivor. This isn't going to be a technical showcase but the pairing's make sense with all the villians being managed by Slick and all of their natural rivals on the oppoising side
The Killer Beefcakes (Brutus Beefcake, The Killer Bees and Don Muraco) vs The Dream Team (Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, The Rougeau Brothers and Dino Bravo /w Johnny V and Frenchy Martin
Not sure why the Rougeau's were babyfaces when they debuted in the WWF as they were such natural heels. Also seems like having Frenchy Martin as their manager would have made more sense then American Jimmy Hart, plus The Rougeaus and Bravo complete a french connection trio along with Bravo's tag partner Valentine. On the face side I think Beefcake and The Bees has a nice ring to it. Anyway, Beefcake is the sole survivor.
The Warriors (The Ultimate Warrior, The Young Stallions and Paul Orndorff) vs Brain’s and Brawn (The Mighty Hercules, The Islanders and “Ravishing” Rick Rude) /w Bobby Heenan
Tempted to go with Warrior but I would have him and Herc brawl on the floor to a double countout to get their feud started. Have it come down to Rude and Orndorff with the old Heenan family member, Onrdorff, putting over the newest family member Rick Rude.
The Incredible Hulkamaniacs (Hulk Hogan, Hillbilly Jim, Junkyard Dog and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper vs The Heenan Family (Andre The Giant, King Kong Bundy, King Harley Race and Bobby Heenan)
This match is comprised of feuds from Wrestlemania 3 (Hogan/Andre, Hillbilly/Bundy, JYD/Race. The match is initially booked to be 3 vs 3 but Heenan adds himself to the team thinking he wont have to do any actual wrestling but can still give his team a 4-3 edge. Now he can get involved in the match without it being considered cheating. Brilliant move brain. But not so fast. Hogan announces late in the buildup to the event that he found a mystery partner to even the odds. At Survivor Series it's revealed to be Hogan's former arch nemesis Roddy Piper. Piper left the WWF for Hollywood after Mania 3 but I think a one night only return could be worked out. If not, the roster has plenty of depth and someone else could fill the role. But the look of disgust on Heenan's face as Piper walks through the curtain would be priceless. Piper eliminates Heenan via a sleeper very early on in the match to a thunderous pop. This was Andre's comeback match after several months off. The title isn't on the line, so no need for Hogan to win here. This was the actual finish at Survivor Series 1987, so it's one of the few things I wouldn't change.
WrestleMania 4
Andre beats Hogan for the championship just like in real life and also sells the championship to Ted Dibiase but the title is vacated and a tournament is held for the vacant WWF Championship at WrestleMania 4.
Andre The Giant vs "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
Andre wins by DQ when Duggan is caught with the 2 by 4 that Heenan throws in the ring and Andre feigns being hit with it. Duggan chases Heenan with the 2 by 4 after the match.
Hulk Hogan vs Harley Race
Strong match and Hogan bests the aging Race.
Bret Hart vs Jake Roberts
Jake never makes it to the ring as Bad News Brown simply knocks him out and takes his place... We see a version of their classic match from Stampede with Bret stealing the win with a roll up after the match Jake attacks Bad News and chases him from the arena with Damien.
Ted DiBiase vs Virgil
DiBiase manipulates this so that Virgil is is opponent who simply stands outside the ring allowing the countout win for DiBiase, in effect a bye.
Rick Rude vs Ricky Steamboat
Rude wins this if it was real as Steamboat was being punished for his "paternity leave and on the outs". I'm going to go with the latter winning for reasons I'll explain later... It's a great match however when Steamboat wins he and Heenan work over Steamboat enough so he is carrying a "back injury" going forward into the tourney.
Randy Savage v Butch Reed
A solid match with Savage picking up the win but Reed looking dangerous.
Honky Tonk Man(c) vs Brutus Beefcake Intercontinental Championship
Honky tries to use his IC champions #1 contender privilage to get into the tournament. Jack Tunney allows it but tells him that his IC title is on the line in the final. If he loses a match before then he loses his title. Honky manages to best Beefcake by interference from Jimmy Hart and the megaphone.
Bam Bam Bigelow vs One Man Gang /w Slick
Bam Bam emerges the winner when Slick's interference backfires.
Hulk Hogan vs Andre the Giant /w Bobby Heenan
This is the "rubber match" and the announcers tout it as such... it is a titanic effort on both men's part and as good as their prior encounters. The finish comes when Hacksaw blasts Andre with the 2 by 4 in full view of the ref causing the disqualification. Duggan is shocked and Hogan pleads with the ref to reverse the decision as Andre laughs... Duggan shocks the world by blasting Hogan from behind with the "rigged" 2 by 4, breaking it as he does so and knocking Hogan cold. Ted DiBiase laughs at the top of the ramp as Heenan, Andre and Duggan all walk back. DiBiase hands Duggan a briefcase as Hogan is stretchered from the ring... As DiBiase makes his way to the ring for his match, he is seen telling Hogan "Everybody Has A Price" and laughing.
Bret Hart vs Ted DiBiase
This is a classic near fall filled match of the type the two later had at Survivor Series 1990. DiBiase wins of course but the story is it is Bret's 3rd match of the evening while DiBiase is fresh having that "win" over Virgil... Bret is defeated by the old 3 arm drop to the Million Dollar Dream, he never submits as such much as Austin didn't at WM13... his push as a singles competitor has begun while DiBiase advances to face Andre as part of his masterplan.
Ricky Steamboat vs Randy Savage
The rematch from the prior year - a different match as Steamboat is selling the beating Rude gave him earlier in the night. After a valiant effort, Savage wins with the elbow drop. The two men shake hands and finally bury their differences after the bell.
Honky Tonk Man vs Bam Bam Bigelow
Honky is very afraid of Bam Bam and attempts to leave, only for Brutus to return and prevent the countout. Bam Bam pins Honky with the first ever moonsault in the WWF to advance in the tournament.
Andre The Giant vs Ted DiBiase
Before the match begins as both competitors are in the ring, Jack Tunney makes his way to the ringside area and decrees that both men will wrestle this match cleanly or be eliminated from the tournament. This ruins the plan that Andre was, as Virgil did to just "step aside" in favour of DiBiase. DiBiase is able to beat Andre when he uses his own momentum against him into an exposed buckle and places Andre into a floor based Million Dollar Dream. As DiBiase celebrates he attempts to stuff notes into Andre's mouth - this raises the ire of the Giant whose throat instantly wraps around DiBiase's throat... Andre gets to his feet and threatens his DiBiase as Heenan tries to get in between them (this is basically their split of 2 years later, same thing "I'm the f***ing boss and the slap) Andre attacks Heenan as DiBiase and Virgil scamper away to the final.
Randy Savage vs Bam Bam Bigelow
A great semi final match. The match ends in a countout when Honky Tonk returns and nails Bigelow with his guitar... Savage nobly tries to help Bigelow back into the ring but has to roll back in and take the win. This establishes Savage as a noble face against DiBiase's nasty character and sets up the feud with Honky and Bigelow to go on further.
** Randy Savage vs Ted DiBiase for the vacant WWF Championship**
After a night filled with controversy, Jack Tunney bars everyone from ringside on pain of a $100,000 fine and indefinite suspension and guarantees a clean win. The match must end in pinfall or submission. Virgil is furious while Savage is not happy to let Elizabeth leave... eventually security escort her from the ringside area. We get a clean finish with Savage winning and holding the WWF Championship up high to close the show.
Summerslam 1988
The British Bulldogs vs The Rougeau Brothers
Keep the feud the same but the match ends in a definitive finish with The Bulldogs winning in a great opening tag team match.
”Ravishing” Rick Rude /w Bobby Hernan vs Junkyard Dog
Rude gets a huge win over the popular Junkyard Dog after interference from Bobby Heenan.
Big Bossman /w Slick vs Koko B. Ware
Bossman wins.
Ken Patera and The Powers of Pain vs The Bolsheviks and Dino Bravo
Ken Patera and The Powers of Pain win.
Bad News Brown vs Don Muraco
Bad News Brown wins
Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs Hercules
Keep the same.
Hulk Hogan vs Ted DiBiase /w Virgil
Hogan finally gets revenge on the man who cost him the WWF Championship earlier in the year.
The Ultimate Warrior vs The Honky Tonk Man(c) Intercontinental Championship
Keep the same.
Demolition(c) /w Mr. Fuji and Jimmy Hart vs The Hart Foundation World Tag Team Championships
Demolition retain in dominant fashion.
”Macho Man” Randy Savage(c) /w Miss Elizabeth vs Andre the Giant WWF Championship
Andre looks to reclaim the belt himself but ultimately is cut down to size by Savage who hits five consecutive elbow drops to win the match and retain the championship.
Survivor Series 1988
Outlaws and Order (Ron Bass, Big Bossman, Dino Bravo and Mr. Perfect) /w Slick vs The Barbershop Quartet (Brutus Beefcake, Tito Santana, Ken Patera and Jim Duggan)
The main feud in this match is between Beefcake and Bass, but no one really cared about that. Perfect being the sole survivor of his first ppv event would have been a great way to kick off his career. He actually did win at the ppv, but he was a co-survivor with Bravo and they essentially won via forfeit because there opponent could not continue to compete. Having perfect finish off Beefcake with the perfect plex for a solid 123 win would have been a better start to his run in the WWF. In fact, thats the only reason I'd even include this match on the ppv. Perfect was not at this point associated with Bobby Heenan, nor was Bravo with Jimmy Hart so they do not need to be a part of the Heenan or Jimmy Hart teams.
There was a lot of filler enhancement talent used at Survivor Series 88. I feel including the likes of Red Rooster, Hillbilly Jim, Conquistadores, Young Stallions, Bolsheviks, Scott Casey, and Harley Race (who was long past his prime) diluted the matches they were involved in. Survivor Series should be all killer, no filler. No need for these jobbers. It only makes the matches feel less special and more predictable. Tito Santana was also used at this event but I would have held off on his return until his partner Rick Martel was cleared to return as well.
The Hart Family (The Hart Foundation and The British Bulldogs) vs The Jimmy Hart Band (Honkey Tonk Man, The Rougeau Brothers and Greg Valentine) /w Jimmy Hart
A number of reasons for this match. First, Bret, Davey, Anvil, Dynamite and Owen (Blue Blazer) are all real life relatives (except possibly for Dynamite). Second, Jimmy Hart and The Rougeaus had feuded with both the Harts and Bulldogs throughout 88. Honky and Hammer were about to form a team that would go on to face the Harts at Wrestlemania 5, and adding Danny Davis keeps all the Jimmy Hart guys on one team. Here we get the Hart Foundation stable together 9 years prior to them being an actual stable in 1997 (minus Dynamite Kid in place of Brian Pillman of course. Bret Hart is the sole survivor.
The Snake Warriors (Jake “The Snake” Roberts, The Ultimate Warrior, Hercules and The Rockers) vs The Hernan Family (“Ravishing” Rick Rude, Andre The Giant, The Brain Busters and King Haku) /w Bobby Heenan
This match combines the WarrioRude and Jake/Andre feuds that were going on at the time. As well as The Rockers/Busters feud and the storyline invovling Hercules leaving the Heenan Family and being usurped by King Haku. All The Heenan Family stable members stick together and I think The Warriors team would have been one of the most impressive and coolest ever assembled, minus Hercules of course. But hey, somebody's gotta get pinned.
The Ultimate Warrior is the sole survivor.
The Mega Powers of Pain (Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Warlord and Barbarian) /w Miss Elizabeth vs The Million Dollar Team (Ted DiBiase, Bad News Brown and Demolition) /w Mr. Fuji
How could they have not combined the Mega Powers and The Powers of Pain? It practically writes itself. Fuji "inadvertantly on purpose" gets Demolition disqualified which results in Ax shoving Fuji and some dissention in Demolition. But they do not officially break up with Fuji just yet. That happens on SNME in the coming weeks when, during a title defense, Fuji stabs Demolition in the back and helps The Powers of Pain win the titles. Powers of Pain hold the titles up until Mania 5 where Demolition win them back. This makes a lot more sense then the clusterf*** booking we got at the actual event where they did a double turn which, from Fuji's perspective made absolutely no sense. If hes going to turn on Demoltion in favor of POP why not wait until the titles are on the line so he get's something out of it? Made abo****ely no sense. Anyway, back to the match at hand. Bad News is in the match because he actually had a feud with Savage going on at the time. He naturally gets eliminated leaving Dibiase alone against the Mega Powers. I'd have some miscommunication between Hogan and Savage leading to Hogan getting eliminated probably via countout while fighting Virgil on the floor after Virgil was harrassing Elizabeth or something
After the match Hogan comes in the ring to celebrate with Savage. Macho takes exception to Hogan's presence seeing as how he was eliminated and Savage feels he should have this moment to himself. This plants the seeds for their eventual breakup.
Royal Rumble 1989
The Powers of Pain vs Demolition(c) /w Mr. Fuji World Tag Team Championships
We follow up their involvement in the Survivor Series main event with a match for the tag team titles which Demolition win.
Judy Martin vs Rockin’ Robin(c) WWF Women’s Championship
Keep the same.
The Ultimate Warrior(c) vs The Big Bossman /w “Ravishing” Rick Rude and Slick Intercontinental Championship
Warrior retains after botched interference from Rude.
30 Man Royal Rumble match
Randy Savage wins last eliminating Hulk Hogan further planting the seeds for The Mega Powers split.
WrestleMania 5
The Rockers vs The Hart Foundation
Great tag team match to open the show The Hart Foundation gets the win.
Jim Duggan vs Big Bossman /w Slick
Bossman wins.
The Brain Busters vs Strike Force
Brain Busters win and Rick Martel turns heel attacking Tito Santana after the match.
Bad News Brown vs Big John Studd career vs career
Bad News Brown wins in convincing fashion.
Honkey Tonk Man and Greg Valentine vs Demolition(c) /w Mr. Fuji World Tag Team Championships
Demolition retain.
Brutus Beefcake vs Mr. Perfect
Perfect wins keeping his undefeated streak intact.
Ted DiBiase /w Virgil vs Andre the Giant
Andre the Giant wins.
”Ravishing” Rick Rude /w Bobby Heenan vs The Ultimate Warrior(c) Intercontinental Championship
Rude wins after interference from Heenan.
Owen Hart vs Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Jake wins.
Hulk Hogan vs Randy Savage(c) WWF Championship
Stays exactly the same.
submitted by john14325 to fantasybooking [link] [comments]


2020.08.20 18:00 SaintRidley Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ Mar. 14, 1988

Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words, continuing in the footsteps of daprice82. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives.
• PREVIOUS •
1987
FUTURE YEARS ARCHIVE:
The Complete Observer Rewind Archive by daprice82
1-4-1988 1-11-1988 1-18-1988 1-25-1988
2-1-1988 2-8-1988 2-15-1988 2-22-1988
2-29-1988 3-7-1988 * *
  • As mentioned last week, WWF has changed up the bracket for the Wrestlemania IV tournament. They showed the updated bracket on tv this past weekend without any announcement or explanation for the change, and the only explanation Dave can find for why they have updated the bracket is so they can get DiBiase vs. Savage in as the final. So, now that we have an updated bracket, Dave goes into speculation mode. There are only three possible winners here in his eyes: Hogan, DiBiase, and Savage. He’s not going to rule out the possibility of a Hogan win, though he puts that as least likely due to the movie being in the works. DiBiase would seem to be the favorite, then. But if that’s the case he doesn’t really need the title any earlier than July in order to set up the august ppv. Hogan winning would probably require Hogan vs. Rude for the final. Savage or DiBiase are best off winning by facing the other in the final. Dave’s already leaning toward a Hogan/Andre double elimination as the most likely possibility there (whether they double eliminate through some kind of draw or through Hogan winning then getting jumped and being ”too injured” to continue by a bunch of guys paid by DiBiase is anybody’s guess). Of course, the real question is why change the bracket so suddenly? Did they just not think through the original one before they put it up that it would probably lead to Don Muraco being the most exciting face they could put against DiBiase in the final (or Savage/Rude)? It beggars belief they wouldn’t think this through hard, so there’s gotta be some reason like the original plan no longer seeming like a good idea. Is it that they’ve got cold feet about DiBiase’s drawing power? Does that put Savage as the likely winner, only to drop it to DiBiase in July for Hogan’s return in August?
Look: Final bracket, drawn by Dave
  • Dave’s doing a poll for those who watch both Wrestlemania and Clash of the Champions. Six questions: 1) which show did you enjoy more; 2) which show you thought was better overall; 3) match of the night; 4) your opinion of blood and wrestling; 5) should wrestling be regulated by state athletic commissions; 6) a question for those tape traders who sample widely: what promotion’s style do you enjoy most? You know what? These aren’t bad questions. I think we should answer these in the comments.
  • Syndicated tv ratings for the week ending February 7 are out and NWA is on the rise. They ranked sixth with an 8.9 national rating on 185 stations, just behind WWF which was fifth with an 11.4 rating on 258 stations. WTBS does not count for viewership on this. Probably too close for Vince’s liking. Of course, these ratings aren’t an accurate measure of how many different people are watching, as many watch more than one program from each of these syndicated packages so some viewers are counted three, four, or more times. But syndication ratings are the numbers advertisers look to, so that makes them meaningful because it determines how much money they can get by selling ads. And ad revenue from tv is a significant part of WWF’s advantage: they’ve been able to get a lot of it and leave every other promotion in the proverbial dust. The three shows at the top (Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, and Oprah) are all just one show in each tv market, so those homes are counted just once, which really puts things into perspective when you consider WWF (fifth place) was watched in 10,078,000 homes across four shows (thus a home that watches Wrestling Challenge, Superstars, Spotlight, and All-American would be counted four times) and Crockett got 7,868,000 homes (with three TBS shows and other syndicated shows, Crockett viewers could get counted as much as five to even seven times). Wrestling may be highly viewed, but in terms of absolute number of individual viewers it’s still small potatoes compared to the real juggernauts, and while they may have some of the highest rated syndicated packages, neither Crockett nor McMahon can claim to have one of the top rated syndicated shows. Crockett got a big boost from the inclusion of the TBS shows, which should boost their ad revenue and help them compete. And that’s reason enough for Dave to expect WWF to try and counter this - it’s important to the way WWF presents itself that there not be any other major league company in wrestling.
  • Sports Illustrated ran a story in this week’s issue on Hiroshi Wajima. Dave hasn’t had the chance to read the story yet, but it’s apparently an old story put together in November 1986, and Dave has no idea why it just came out. Ironically, Tokyo Sports ran a story this week that Wajima was going to retire (though this apparently isn’t true). Anyway, I found the story.
Read: Down from Sumo’s Summit
  • Also in the media this week were the Von Erichs. They were on the 700 Club this week, doing their usual job of mixing truth, minor falsehoods, and major lies. On Monday they took over AWA’s old rerun timeslot on ESPN (4 pm EST) with “Legends of World Class Wrestling” which covers early 80s matches featuring Kevin and Kerry before in the pre-Freebird days of the company. They also curiously seem to have a Ken Mantell match every episode, as well as a trivia contest that’s unintentionally funny. One of the questions asked where and when David Von Erich died, which is almost pushing the exploitation of the family tragedies to the point of parody. Lastly, the latest on the Von Erichs story in Penthouse is that it’s tentatively scheduled for the July issue unless the magazine decides to do a feature on the upcoming Michael Spinks vs. Mike Tyson fight (yeah, they do that feature).
  • The biggest news in WWF is that Bruno Sammartino has left the company. Bruno got an offer to promote a national wrestling hotline that paid more than WWF pays him as a color commentator, and that’s the issue that seems to have served as reason for him leaving. It’s no secret that Bruno has been unhappy with WWF for some time and doesn’t like the company’s direction. And Vince never gave David the push he promised. When Bruno retired back in 1981, he never planned to make a comeback years later; that only happened to help David get his career launched. But once he did get back in the ring, they pressured for more appearances, slotted him in as their pinch hitter for when guys like Duggan, Patera, or Jake Roberts weren’t available due to injury or suspension to main event a show. And this extra work has caused Bruno’s back injuries to be reaggravated, and yet he still completed all bookings through last August before deciding to call it quits for real in the ring. WWF still wanted him on in the northeast, though. The real core of everything, though, is that McMahona nd Sammartino have vastly different ideas, setting aside the usual friction of the promotewrestler relationship, about the credibility of the business and about promotional ethics. McMahon’s way of promoting completely violates Bruno’s sense of credibility for wrestling and ethics. Bruno ought to know a bit about what works promotion-wise, given he’s got a long record of drawing consistent sellouts in places WWF only draws a few thousand fans today.
  • Dave saw the March 5 WWF show at the Cow Palace and runs through the card, giving ratings and making observations. Badnews Brown won his match with an enziguiri (that’s the Ghetto Blaster, though it hasn’t quite been named that yet). Steamboat and Rude had a 20 minute draw that was the best match of the show, and Steamboat is still one of the best for high spots in the country. Sherri carried Rockin’ Robin to a watchable match, though Robin is still obviously quite green. She’s a tremendous heel when they give her a chance, though they don’t often give her the chance. In the main event, Hogan and Duggan beat DiBiase and Virgil. Virgil was in the way too much and Hogan seemed like he might have been sick because he mostyl did rest holds and when on the apron he kept his head down. Hogan is absolutely the biggest draw in the industry right now, but there are a lot of folks who get bigger reactions live, including Carlos Colón, Antonio Inoki, and Chigusa Nagayo. Dave thinks it might be that fans look at Hogan as an entertaineperformer, whereas with Nagao or Colón they live and die by the rhythms of their matches. So when Dave talked back in December about how Hogan gets half the reaction live that Nagayo gets, he was being kind to Hogan. This isn’t to knock Hogan, though - he still gets incredible reactions and is an incredible draw, but there are others beyond him.
  • Dave’s had a chance to watch a lot of tape from Puerto Rico lately, and there’s only one good worker from the area: TNT. That’s the future Savio Vega. The standard match here is slow-paced, though when they bring Abdullah or Brody in you can get some blood to make up for it. The company is very successful, though, so they’re doing what works for their audience, and Dave speculates their audience has the highest percentage of true believers of any in the world. The heat they can generate is ridiculous.
Watch: A match between TNT and Super Black Ninja
  • Iron Sheik has been fired, probably setting a new record in WWF.
  • Adrian Adonis is trying to get back to WWF. No real surprise. Not going to happen before he dies.
  • NBC and WWF have come to a deal for five Saturday Night’s Main Events and one prime time special for the 1988-89 season. The Main Event proved they can be put in a weak time slot with a lot of hype and deliver a solid rating, but they can’t appeal enough to consistently compete in prime time.
  • Memphis has brought Sputnik Monroe in to feud with Billy Wicks on March 7. Dave thought Eddie Marlin feuding with Tommy Gilbert was ridiculous, but this takes the cake. Wicks was a big star in Memphis before Jackie Fargo (so we’re talking the 1950s) and Sputnik Monroe was a legendary heel who refused to work shows with segregated crowds. More on Sputnik Monroe by broken_beat. Anyway, Monroe and Wicks were big deals and their feud in the late 50s was legendary, setting an indoor arena attendance record in Memphis in 1959 that stood until the Monday Night Wars (specifically, In Your House: St. Valentine’s Day Massacre broke the record). According to cagematch, this is a one off and Monroe’s last match ever. This show was not for tv and there’s no video of it anywhere I can find online, but I wish I could put it here.
Watch: Here’s a Sputnik Monroe match from 1966 because I can
  • More guys gone from Memphis. Manny Fernandez was fired for missing shows. The Samoans quit right before they were probably due to win the Southern Tag Team Titles. Bill Dundee has left to go be a babyface in Knoxville (they wrote him off with a Gilbert family attack, so that leaves the door open for him to come back as a face and team with Lawler at least). Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson are also out. And Steve Keirn, who headlined February 29, isn’t back this week. This led to the March 7 card having 15 matches with a lot of guys pulling double duty.
  • Owen Hart injured his back taking a bump on a guard rail during his Japan tour, so he missed two weeks right after getting back to Canada.
  • Billy Jack Haynes was on a local talk show in Oregon and we get a bit of insight into his thinking about his new promotion. He’s only interested in guys who weigh at least 280 lbs and is promising sizeable guaranteed contracts. No indication when he’s going to start it up yet, but he said something to the effect of it being in arund 6 weeks. He also said they’d hold a wrestling camp.
  • Continental is continuing the same bait and switch stuff that killed Birmingham in the first place. Their February 29 show was a double taping, and among the promises not kept were Larry Hamilton no-showing his match with Scott Hall and the two other matches he was supposed to have and both Danny Davis vs. Lord Humongous and Frank Lancaster vs. Detroit Demolition didn’t happen despite all four guys being present.
  • AWA announced on tv this past weekend that Masa Saito would be returning, and he’d be bringing Riki Choshu with him to wrestle the Midnight Rockers. This comes as a surprise to all.
  • AWA has changed March 19 to have Diamond and Tanaka challenging the Rockers for the tag titles. At least they figured out what to do to make it make sense.
  • GLOW’s live card in Houston on February 26 drew 3,500 fans. That’s more than Hogan vs. DiBiase drew last time they were there, and more than Flair vs. Sting did this past weekend at the Houston Coliseum. Verne Gagne was there, and it seems GLOW wrestler Olympia is headed to AWA to be an opponent for Madusa. If Verne wanted someone to look better and wrestle worse than Madusa, he found his woman, Dave says.
  • Adrian Adonis lost his weekly guarantee from AWA back in December. Then he broke his ankle just a week before he was supposed to go to Japan, so he lost out on two weeks of Japan and hasn’t been getting income. He even asked Verne to help while he was injured and Verne told him no. Adonis has had a terrible run of luck lately, and it’s just not going to work out well.
  • New Japan officially announced that Akira Maeda has been fired. So now the question is what is Maeda’s future in wrestling, if any? Obviously someone will have the idea to start a new promotion and make him the star, but they’re gonna need television to get it going, and that could be a tough proposition. We’re on the cusp of Newborn UWF in the next couple weeks.
  • Dump Matsumoto’s retirement was such a big deal that Fuji TV ran a half hour retrospective of her career. Her retirement show took place in her home town on February 28, and she beat Bull Nakano and Condor Saito in a handicap match to send her off. The co-main event was Lioness Asuka going to a time limit draw against Yukari Omori in Omori’s final match. The last tv taping Omori and Dump did took place on February 25, where they went to a draw against the Crush Girls via double countout. Then they requested five more minutes, and the match went to a draw after the request was granted. On that show Bull Nakano and Kumiko Iwamoto won two of three falls to take the vacant tag titles against Mitsuko Nishiwaki and Yumiko Hotta. Dave anticipates a ratings drop now that Matsumoto is out, as she brings a lot of drama and heat to the shows.
  • The big news out of All Japan is that Tokyo Sports ran a front page story on February 23 about Hiroshi Wajima needing to retire due to neck injuries. Wajima insists he’ll be back, and Dave’s not sure the details, but Wajima is 40 years old and Dave’s understanding is he’ll be out for several months at least. At that age “career ending” become very common words with this sort of thing, so…. Yeah. This is pretty much the beginning of the end for Wajima. He’s not going to take time off, and by the end of the year he’ll wrestle his last match.
  • World Class has a bunch of title changes. Kerry Von Erich beat Al Perez for the WCCW Championship on March 6 in Dallas. Small crowd, and it was originally supposed to be Michael Hayes against Perez, but they had Hayes attacked at the concert on March 4, so he was “injured” and couldn’t wrestle. The concert drew much better than the Dallas show, getting roughly 2,000 fans. Terry Taylor won the Texas Title on February 26 from Matt Borne. The Simpsons won the Wild West Tag Titles from Tatum and Victory on February 29 in Fort Worth, gaining a measure of revenge from the week earlier (maybe it aired on the 22nd but was the Feb. 14 show? Cagematch is sketchy on details and I can’t find a match on February 22nd where the titles changed. Possible Dave has some things mixed up) when they lost the Texas Tag Titles to Tatum and Victory. After losing the Texas Tag titles, they came out later that night with the Wild West tag title match contract. February 29 was set up so that Victory and Tatum were meant to defend both sets of titles, The Wild West titles against the Simpsons and the Texas titles against the Fantastics, and they whined that it was unfair. Anyway, Bobby Fulton didn’t show up, so Rogers wound up teaming with someone else and lost the match.
  • WCCW is moving their Texas Stadium show to May 8. Looks like some variation on Freebirds vs. Von Erichs plus one for the top of the card. Talks of Kerry vs. Flair have dropped off.
  • Bill Alfonso, who used to be a referee in Florida and is the brother of David Sierra (who works under a mask as The Assassin in Oregon), will be the man referee in Billy Jack Haynes’ new Oregon promotion. That Oregon civil war in wrestling has brother against brother now.
  • Peter Maivia Jr. (that’s The Rock’s uncle) won the California Championship Wrestling tag title with partner Toru Tanaka on February 26. Just an interesting note from the indies, because I had no idea The Rock’s mom had a wrestling brother.
  • Also in the sons(-in-law) of wrestlers from long ago, Karl Gotch’s son-in-law is Masami Soranaka. He wrestles in Global in Florida as a foreign menace heel, V.C. Minh.
  • Brody’s March 4 show in St. Louis drew 1,200 fans for a gate of $14,000. Brody vs. Jerry Blackwell in the main event had a weird ending, but the match itself was good, if slow-paced. Blackwell threw Brody over the top and the ref missed it due to ref bump, then Brody got back in, took a powerslam, was pinned for a three count, but another referee overruled it citing the initial toss over the top and calling the match a disqualification. Then Brody dropkicked Blackwell and pinned him. When the finish is dusty, everybody wins, right?
  • World Wrestling Council in Puerto Rico has just put out three video tapes. Tape #1 has a bunch of their bloodiest matches. Tape #2 has the September 1986 WWC Universal Title tournament that saw Terry Funk in three matches, including matches against Rick Martel and Barry Windham. Tape #3 is an Invader #1 (fuck Invader #1) highlight tape. One of the matches has the ring surrounded by a cage of fire and now that I know this I wish he had gotten shoved into it.
  • Letters this week are all over the place. The first one is a big one and about Hogan’s limited appeal. How much can a balding sausage man who looks ten years older than he is really appeal in the true mainstream? Can he really make anyone switch away from Dallas or The Cosby Show? Not unless the hypothetical viewer already likes wrestling. But that’s the thing the writer argues: Hogan might not be able to appeal to the mass market, but nobody else really can either because wrestling just isn’t that big and never will be. Hell, setting aside his skill or lack thereof in acting, his size alone is going to limit his options in Hollywood, and those limitations will not help him appeal more broadly either. He’s got strong appeal to a small audience, and that's okay because wrestling is a niche interest. Anyway, the writer eventually concludes her time in this issue after a long detour onto the subject of long storytelling matches by suggesting John Carpenter could have saved a lot of money on fake blood for They Live by hiring Ric Flair instead of Roddy Piper.
  • Dusty Rhodes gave a really weird promo hyping up Clash of the Champions. He told viewers that if they don’t watch the Clash, he’ll remember and come down the chimney at Christmas and beat up their kids. Whatever idea of humor he has, it didn’t really land, and a lot of readers called in to ask Dave if he lost his mind.
  • Hogan and Duggan vs. DiBiase and Virgil on March 6 in LA drew the smallest crowd Hogan has ever drawn in LA. Nothing really good on the show, either, except that main event.
  • More details for the Hayes concert finish on March 4 for WCCW: Hayes was going to sing a Willie Nelson song and invited the Von Erichs on stage because he dedicated the song to David. King Parsons came out and started arguing with Hayes, and Buddy Roberts came out too and got into it with the Von Erichs. Roberts tried to swing a guitar at Kerry’s head, but Kerry ducked and he hit Hayes instead.
Watch: The end of the Michael Hayes concert and the brawl
  • Turns out the Sputnik Monroe vs. Billy Wicks match in Memphis was billed as an “Old Timers Special Attraction” match. That’s fine - they were really hot in the area around 1961, and it’s not like WWF haven’t done similar like their 1985 Fred Blassie vs. Lou Albano match at Nassau Coliseum.
NEXT WEEK: Predictions for Wrestlemania and Clash of the Champions, Crockett Cup seeds to be announced, Owen Hart going to WWF?, and more
submitted by SaintRidley to SquaredCircle [link] [comments]


2020.08.20 06:00 jw_mentions /r/Catholicism - "Questions about catholicism I couldn't answer"

I am a bot! Please send NotListeningItsABook a private message with any comments or feedback on how I work.
EDIT: As of Thu Aug 20 20:50:07 UTC 2020, the post is at [2pts6c]

About Post:

--- --- Notes
Submission Questions about catholicism I couldn't answer
Comments Questions about catholicism I couldn't answer
Author throwaway925781
Subreddit /Catholicism
Posted On Tue Aug 18 20:49:46 UTC 2020
Score 2 as of Thu Aug 20 20:50:07 UTC 2020
Total Comments 28

Post Body:

(This is a throwaway)
(sorry if this is the wrong sub)

Introduction

Hi!
Over time, I collected some points regarding the catholic church's representation of christianity that don't make sense to me and that I couldn't answer by searching the internet. So I wanted to ask people who think to have a good understanding of the teachings of the catholic church. I want to ask multiple people to get a better result. I've already talked to two in person and I'm planning to more in-person discussions.
I'm doing this to get a conclusion for myself. I am not trying to convince someone of my point of view.
I want to know if the teachings of the catholic church are consistent, if they make sense. It's my try to give the religion a last chance. I didn't ask, IF there is a god, so don't try to convince me of your point of view. I simply didn't ask for it and will ignore any statement regarding that.
I WILL argue. I won't take "God said so" or "The bible said so" as an answer. I'm asking for reasons. (Some questions are made for follow-up questions.)

About me:

I've got christian parents and was baptised at birth. I had a confirmation, that was before those questions came up. I'm currently labelling myself agnostic.
  • My opinion is built through critical thinking.
  • I'm searching for reasons and will ask for it.
  • I don't like the use of the word "truth". Please don't label the religion as true in this thread, you can't prove it.

Stuff we should agree on

  1. I will not ask IF there's a god. If I did, there would be no reason for asking my questions. I will therefore assume in this thread that there's a god.
  2. (If you don't agree on this, please start your comment with "I don't agree on your second point." and skip question 7.) Non-heterosexuality is natural, as animals prove. The most known example are swans or penguins. You can't choose your sexuality and you can't change it. Before the 20. century, there already were homosexual people. To name two examples, Leonardo Da Vinci and Oscar Wilde.

Questions

Notes:

  • A question is long because it states the reason for asking
  • I was already criticized for the second question because of cherry picking the quotes. I'll stil ask.

The actual questions

Please number them in your replies so I can see what you're addressing.
  1. Is a catholic allowed to question the religion? (A "no" will not get you away with not answering the rest.)
  2. About bible quotes: (taken from bible.com (NIV) - If I should use another source, please let me know and I'll edit it)
    1. Corinthians 11: 3: "But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." - I don't see a hierarchy like that anymore. 4-5: "Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head - it is the same as having her head shaved." - I was told by my parents that men MUST not wear anything on their heads when entering a church, but women MAY. Why? 7: "A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man." - Is the image of an image an image of the original? Because I think so and this explanation for a hierarchy wouldn't make sense. 9: "neither was man created for woman, but woman for man." - The catholic church doesn't stand for sexism although the bible tells you so. Why? 14-16: "Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering." - The only representation of Jesus with short hair that I know of is from `Jehova's Witnesses`. And it is common since - let's say the 80s, in the rock scene. 2. John 1: 7: "I say this because many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the antichrist." - Explains why JW don't want to have friends outside the religion. It's just racist. how does that work with the tolerance promoted by christianity? 10-11: "If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not take them into your house or welcome them. Anyone who welcomes them shares in their wicked work." - (I'm recognizing JW again) Why does the catholic church not care about that? Deuteronomy 22,5: "A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this." - That's not used anymore. Why? Matthew 5,28: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.." - Just looking at someone and thinking "That person is attractive" will always result in cheating!? Seriously? 
  3. How should you be able to love god more than a human when you never met him? Also, I can't choose whom I love.
  4. Why is the argument there that a human can't understand everyhing God planned? God is almighty, he could make us understand in an instant, which would probably result in more christians and less questioning.
  5. Does the human have a free will and does it get limited by this religion?
  6. Catholicism goes against PolyGAMY. PolyAMORY means to openly have multiple partners (not married) who are also allowed to have multiple partners. It's clear from the beginning that a potential relationship would be polyamorous. Every partner of yours knows about every partner you have. Honesty is essential. Monogamous people can't imagine it, but it seems to work. What does the catholic church say against it?
  7. Why is same-sex marriage forbidden? What's bad about it? There's a difference between the blueprint and the implementation. Why is that? (Christianity says that god doesn't make mistakes, because he's perfect.)
  8. What's the reason for not having female priests?
  9. What's the reason for banning birth contraceptives?
  10. Are relationships before marriage allowed and what's the point of them?
  11. Should religion decide for my political view?
Thanks in advance for your time.

Related Comments (6):

--- --- Notes
Author throwaway925781
Posted On Tue Aug 18 21:31:11 UTC 2020
Score 1 as of Thu Aug 20 20:50:07 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 8
Body link
These are very common questions which indicate you get your information from atheists
Nah, it was rational thinking. It's likely that I know less than other people on this sub. That's why I'm asking.
It would be much more effective to read the Bible
Some parts are used, some are not. How would that help?
and consult works of theology and Catholic apologetics
Which ones?
Catholics believe in things that many people refer to as sexist.
Sure, but why exactly this amount? What's the criteria?
People aren't automatons who simply act on their urges, they have the free will to choose their own priorities. Love doesn't refer to transient feelings, it refers to willing the good of another.
Good point.
It's extensively covered in many Christian sources.
But you can't name any?
The purpose of sex and marriage is reproduction and the family.
Why does sex, the joy you have with it, and reproduction have to always be bundled?
Meaningless distinction.
"Amory" = not married
"Gamy" = married
Tell me where this scenario is mentioned: person 1 is married to multiple partners, including person 2. Person 2 also has multiple partners.
And why do you bring up Jehovah's Witnesses?
I know a bit about them out of interest. View it as fun facts, nothing more. I can note that if you prefer.
Jehovah's Witnesses aren't even considered to be Christians.
The first time that I hear about that. I mean, they consider themselves christian. Their book is based on the bible.
Again, your post just indicates a lack of education.
You're literally saying "You don't know, so don't ask." I'm asking because I want to know.
--- --- Notes
Author Monktoken
Posted On Tue Aug 18 21:59:10 UTC 2020
Score 9 as of Thu Aug 20 20:50:07 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 6
Body link
Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons both are not Christian as they do not baptize with the proper method, both deny the eternal divinity of Jesus, and have other beliefs that severely contradict the various creeds, but the first two reasons are mainly why they are not Christian besides their self description.
--- --- Notes
Author Manlyburger
Posted On Tue Aug 18 21:11:01 UTC 2020
Score 9 as of Thu Aug 20 20:50:07 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 9
Body link
These are very common questions which indicate you get your information from atheists (sources like the Skeptics Annotated Bible) rather than Catholics.
It would be much more effective to read the Bible and consult works of theology and Catholic apologetics than to question things from the perspective of an atheist without knowing the perspective of a Christian.
Non-heterosexuality is natural, as animals prove. The most known example are swans or penguins.
"Natural" doesn't refer to animals doing something. (that would be a very baffling standard, is walking around on your food 'natural' because flies do it?) It doesn't even refer to what humans do in some ideal natural context. It refers to what follows from human nature. A human, should instance, walk to accomplish tasks and eat food to gain nutrition. He shouldn't lie around and wait for someone else to accomplish things or eat food for pleasure.
The catholic church doesn't stand for sexism although the bible tells you so. Why?
Catholics believe in things that many people refer to as sexist. (Inspired by the Catholic heritage of their culture.)
Also, I can't choose whom I love.
People aren't automatons who simply act on their urges, they have the free will to choose their own priorities. Love doesn't refer to transient feelings, it refers to willing the good of another.
Why is same-sex marriage forbidden?
It's extensively covered in many Christian sources. The purpose of sex and marriage is reproduction and the family.
Catholicism goes against PolyGAMY. PolyAMORY means to openly have multiple partners (not married) who are also allowed to have multiple partners.
Meaningless distinction. People probably just feel like 'polygamy' has both an old stigma against it, and it's also heavily associated with Mormons. So, new term.
And why do you bring up Jehovah's Witnesses? Again, your post just indicates a lack of education. Jehovah's Witnesses aren't even considered to be Christians.
--- --- Notes
Author Lethalmouse1
Posted On Tue Aug 18 23:30:58 UTC 2020
Score 3 as of Thu Aug 20 20:50:07 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 5
Body link
My opinion is built through critical thinking.
People who say this remind me of the people who say they are anti drama on fb. "He doth protest too much".
I don't like the use of the word "truth". Please don't label the religion as true in this thread, you can't prove it.
The problem is that you "critically think" with assumptions of "truth". So as the new guy to human history, the onus of proving truth is kinda on you.
  1. Yes, we have a rich and deep history of deep theological query, philosophy and education.
  2. Hierarchies - you will see a lot more in devout and serious circles, mostly people you'd never hang out with. The bible says not to steal, but that happens all the time and even more here. People failing doesn’t change the rules.
Head thing: Too religious for your level of fancy enlightenment.
Sexism: Order vs disorder. Seismic to an atheist marxist is not letting a woman murder a child.... degrees of word meaning. A father is hierarchy over his children, a mother is over her children. Yes there are role distinctions and hierarchy between parent and child, but a Mother or Father who punches their kid in the face every day commits disorder of that authority. Or as it would be termed today "child abuse". Your boss is over you at work, but he can't make you take his wee wee in your bunkhouse can he? That would be illicit. The President is in charge of the nation but he can't just say "i want to live in your house, gtfo". Sexism is then any disordered use or form of said "hierarchy".
Heads again: And I didn't delve into this before, this is a letter TO the CORINTHIANS who were dealing with specific issues. Imagine, you are in a town and in that town most Christians have short hair and all the long haired people are hard rocking to devil music. People are having issues figuring out how to distinguish themselves from people diametrically opposed to them, so you say "do not have long hair" mostly relevant to the fact that it is a sign differentiating the devil rockers from the Christians. Reminds me of how a lot of Muslims roll the bottom of their pants up, to be visibly "muslim". And somewhat separated from the infidels. It isn't an objective Muslim moral to roll up pants, but it is a subjective practical thing. A lot of some of the letters in the Bible are along those lines, literal correspondence about specific instances and situations.
Tolerance: Post enlightenment "tolerance" leanings and Christian tolerance are not the same, even if many in the modern Church do everything they can to make it seem so. If you have kids, and you have a neighbor who has a rough life and is trying to use you as a mentor, but still sometimes curses too much and smokes or struggles to "act right", tolerance. If you have kids and a neighbor kid is a hardcore unrepentant drug dealer who tries daily to get your kids to do drugs, youd be retarded to let your kids hang out with him. 9/10 if you do, your kids will end up on drugs. It takes one drug dealer to make 10 drug addicts, and like 10 rehab staff to cure one druggie. Tolerance is not meant to be what it is today.
"Why doesn't the church care about that" Syllabus of Errors, we do. And most devout non-hereitcs do. That is why it is unlikely from above that you will want to or they will want to hang out with you. You'd be surprised how many kinds of people live in this world low key that you don't notice. We just aren't as crazy as JW and you associate the "Catholic" guy who hasn't seen a church in 10 years that you work with, with Catholicism. There is literally a "Muslims for LBGT" group, 10% of atheists per polls, believe in God. At a certain point humans are nucking futs, and you have to be real about what is what and who is what.
Well back then basically everyone wore a tunic. So it is fairly obvious to anyone who isn't dodging TRUTH hahaha.. what is meant. Not even getting into tribal ceremonial laws meant for the Jews.... kinda like the Muslim pants thing.
As to "mind sins" my comment here is decent. I mean "if she would give me the time of day, I'd bang her" is impotence, not morality. She is just too moral or you're too ugly to get her in bed, that doesn't make you sinless, since given potency, you would sin in a heartbeat.
  1. Love is an act of will, you are mistaking "eating large quantities of chocolate" for love. You feel love for a woman you cheat on, you feel love for kids you neglect, in terms of chocolate. But you do not LOVE them.
  2. Even if, would it matter? I can prove the Earth is a globe, but yet there are millions of humans who would never have it be "proven to them". You underestimate the will.
  3. Yes we have free will. No it is not "limited by religion" any more than someone who actually wants to be a pro sports player is limited by the fact that they will actually practice and train regularly. If it was limited, you wouldn't see sinful Christians, Muslims for LBGT, pork eating Jews, or lapse anything.... what kind of question is that?
  4. Well we are Christians, aka follow Christ. And you don't want to hear "what he said", but he did.... and so there is that. Also, stats kinda prove it generally doesn't workout well. If you disagree, then you disagree, you're the critical thinking genius you must be right, we are just dumb, please enlighten us to your way of the herp.
  5. Sociology, but you'll just disagree based on your religion's truths... so there is that.
  6. Jesus didn't ordain any women, and the priest acts "in persona Christie" and Jesus came as a male.
  7. Disorders the purpose of sex.
  8. Relationships? Yes, the point is to discern marriage.
  9. It does. Your religion forms your foundational views of the world and your "politics" follow from that. It is fairly clear where most of your politicsie from your post here showing your relgion. Give or take a little wiggle, most people who share your religious views, vote the same as you. Duh.
--- --- Notes
Author boy_beauty
Posted On Wed Aug 19 00:27:09 UTC 2020
Score 4 as of Thu Aug 20 20:50:07 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 1
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JWs deny the Trinity and thus are categorically not Christian. They are a doomsday cult.
--- --- Notes
Author bbaksa
Posted On Tue Aug 18 22:39:27 UTC 2020
Score 5 as of Thu Aug 20 20:50:07 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
Why would they be trolling....? The majority of Christians believe the Nicene Creed to be the basis of Christian faith. Neither the Mormons nor JWs believe in the Nicene Creed
submitted by jw_mentions to jw_mentions [link] [comments]


2020.08.04 22:46 Erutious Bright Farm

“And so, we commit Malcolm Tyler to the earth. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
The dirt hit the top of the child-sized coffin as it slid into its final resting place.
John just sat there, surrounded by family and friends and yet utterly alone. Malcolm had been ten, on the cusp of the age of reason, and as John looked at the picture of him, that sat amongst the flowers, he could swear it was one of his baby pictures. Malcolm had loved baseball, superheroes, Star Wars, and old video games. He had clung to his father's passions, and the two had always been close. As he watched the coffin slip into the earth, John felt the tears slide down his face. They were naked and unashamed.
The seat next to him was empty too. His wife, Claire, was still in the hospital after the accident that had taken their son. The doctors had told him that she would likely recover but that she might never walk again. They had told him this as though it were a spectacular consolation prize. "Your son will never play in the majors or even see the Star Wars movie he was so looking forward to, but you can rest assured that your now cripple wife will be home as soon as we're done milking your insurance for all its worth."
He sat there and accepted the pats, the condolences, the meaningless words that fell on him like daggers.
His son was gone, and these people were telling him how sorry they were for his loss.
They didn't know loss. They were going to climb into their vehicles, with mostly complete partners, and go back to their homes so they could hug their own children and be glad it hadn't been them who'd lost someone important. They would put the funeral announcement in a drawer by the door where they kept their keys or their change, and one day they would drag it out by mistake and think how sad it had been that such a youngster had died in the prime of his life. Then they would throw it away or put it back in the drawer if they were sentimental and probably never think about it again.
He seethed over these thoughts as he sat in the hard plastic chair which had been provided by Copeland Funeral Home.
He seethed over these people and their routine, unbroken lives until he was the only one there.
Then John got up and went home.
John sat and watched TV, eating his tv dinner without much enthusiasm. The turkey was lumpy and had only cooked in the middle. The mashed potatoes were still half-frozen, and the gravy was like liquid lava. On TV, the news anchor was talking about the Green Man murders. The latest victim, Shelly Rhodes, had been discovered in an alley. The police were looking for anyone who might have seen the perpetrators. John watched, apathetically, as he spooned the mush into his mouth. A commercial came on for Anders Tires, and he tuned it out.
Malcolm had been dead for three days, and John had done little but wallow in his misery.
The house was like a monument to better times.
He had stood in the entryway most of the afternoon after the funeral, staring at a photo of him and Malcolm at the beach. Claire had taken it after they built that sandcastle they were both hunkered over. They had been at the shore for a week, Malcolm as brown as a nut after spending six days on the beach. The castle had begun as a lopsided thing before John had gotten involved. The plastic molds Malcolm had bought at the beachside stand were shoddy things, and John had known a thing or two about sandcastle building. Together they had constructed an elegant castle, complete with drawbridge and moat. The turrets had grown out of the sand, and the flags had been leaves plucked from a nearby tree.
Claire had been laughing as she snapped the photo, and the two of them had been grinning like fools over their accomplishment.
John felt tears fall from his eyes, saw them tumble into the unappetizing mashed potatoes, and spooned them into his mouth anyway.
Malcolm's room was the worst part of the house.
The room stood at the very top of the staircase, easily viewable from the downstairs landing. John had stood in the dark last night and just looked at the doorway from the bottom step. The nightlight cast the scene in a strange Shadowverse. He could vaguely see the baseball players trapped in their glory as they hung glossing from the walls with push pins. He could see the bookshelf where John had taken the night's bedtime story. He could see the balsa wood glider where it hung from the ceiling, the broken wing mocking him. How many times had John promised to fix it? How many times had he told Malcolm that he would go buy a tube of airplane glue? How many times had he gone to the store and not done it?
He had thought he had time.
He had thought he could do it some other when.
He had been wrong.
He had slept in his recliner every night after that.
The phone rang, dragging him from his misery. The picture on the screen was that of his wife, smiling like she was the happiest woman in the world, as Malcolm grinned from her hugging arms. John felt a sob creep up his throat. He would have to change that. He answered it on the sixth ring, saying hello without much enthusiasm.
"Hi, John." His wife sounded tired. She sounded like maybe she had been crying too. She sounded like John felt; ready to just give up and join their son in his eternal rest.
John found he didn't have much of a feeling about that.
"Hi, Claire."
"You didn't come to see me today."
He didn't have an answer to that, so he said nothing.
"Are you okay, John? I'm worried about you."
John thought about the question. He was not, he decided, okay, but if he told his wife that then she would worry. He hadn't come to see her today for that reason. Not for the reason he suspected that she suspected that he blamed her for their son's death. He no more blamed Claire than he blamed the car she had totaled when a semi-truck, driven by a man who was asleep at the wheel, had crushed the car against the guard rail. He didn't blame her for that; it was an event outside of her control.
He hadn't come to see her, because she would look at him and know that something was deeply wrong with him. She would see the dark circles, the pallid skin, the dirty face cleaned only by the tears that seem to run tirelessly, and she would worry. He didn't care about any of that, not really, but if she told a doctor about these things, then John might spend the next few months as a drooling zombie while they pumped him full of dope.
John did not want to dope his pain away.
He wanted to wallow in it like a pig in filth.
"John? Are you...are you mad at me?" He could hear the tears on the verge of bursting.
"No, Kay, I'm just tired." He said, using her pet name, "I haven't slept well since," his own tears slid out now, pale tracts of moisture that always seemed on the verge of falling, "since the funeral."
"I wanted to be there for you and for him, but…"
"I know." He lied.
He knew very little that he was confident of.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay, John. I wish I were there to help you through this. I wish you were here to help me through this."
She was crying now, he could almost hear her tears as they slid against the phone.
He stared at the tv like a husk, incapable of feeling empathy for his sobbing wife.
"I know, but someone has to pay the bills; now more than ever."
That was a crock, said a voice in his brain. John had no more been to work than he'd been upstairs. Mr. Beatle had given him bereavement, and he had taken it without a fight. He had done little but sit morosely and fulfill his body's needs when they clawed against his consciousness. Feed the machine, empty the tank, sleep, rinse, repeat.
It was all very tedious.
"You sound tired, I'll let you get to sleep. Will I see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," he said, lying again, "I'll swing by after work and see how you're doing."
"I'd like that. I miss you, John, I love you."
"I love you too, Kay."
The lies came easily.
He hung up the phone and continued to wallow.
"Are you unhappy?" Asked the man on the tv. He was a tall fellow, sleek black hair, and a thin mustache that looked oily. He was wearing a butcher apron over a white shirt and smiling into the camera like he could see through John's tv screen. It was a little unsettling.
John kept watching, figuring the commercial would be over soon.
"Feeling empty? Perhaps seeking something you've lost?"
John shoveled more food into his mouth but felt his eyes locked on this greasy salesman.
"Here at Bright Farm, we pride ourselves on helping those who are lost come back into the light. Whatever your seeking, you can be sure that we have it here at Bright Farms. Our councilors are here 24/7 to,"
John lifted the remote, a job that seemed harder than it should have, and flipped over to the next channel.
"make sure the light does not escape you in your time of need."
What the hell?
It was the same commercial.
He clicked over again.
"Maybe you've recently had a crisis of faith? Suffered an event that's made you question the existence of a wide and shining God. Maybe you've lost your way, no longer feel that life is worth living,"
John has changed the channel seven times while the man was taking but found him on every channel. For some reason, the man-made him uncomfortable, and he wanted to see anything on the tube at this point. A baseball game, an old movie, a stupid sitcom, anything but this man and his smiling face. As he watched, the smile seemed to stretch under that mustache, and as he clicked the button to turn the set off, he realized that the man's eyes were fixed directly on him. The man was staring at him through the tv, and the veins in his eyes seem to pulsate as he watched.
"maybe you've even lost someone you loved. A mother, a brother,"
The eyes got very intense, and no matter how many times he hit the off button, the tv stayed on.
"A son?"
He was staring right at him now and clearly only at him.
"He's here, John. He's here, and all you have to do is come to him. What are you waiting for, John? Why are you just sitting there, John? He misses you, JOHN!" The man was screaming from the tv, and John was aware of his dinner leaking into the sweat pants he was wearing. He had upset the little plastic tray, but it hardly seemed to matter. The man on the tv was beating his fists against the glass front and yelling at John, questioning him, asking why he didn't come to his son if he missed him so damn much?
John screamed, and as he did, he came awake all at once.
The screen was snow, and he had indeed spilled his dinner.
He turned off the television, cleaned up his chair, and thought longingly about going up to bed.
It only took him a few minutes at the bottom of the stairs to return to his recliner.
He slept fitfully.
He woke up early the next morning, bright and early. This was something he seemed unable to shake from his old life. His job had expected him to arrive at eight AM every day, and his brain seemed hardwired to wake up at six am every morning. He thought about going to work, maybe a day at the office would set him right. He could sit in his office and go over accounts and feel like his usual self. He could pretend that, when the five o'clock bell rang, he could go home to his lovely wife and best buddy in their two bed, two bath home, and when he got off and drove home, he would find it just that way.
He only stood at the foot of the stairs for twenty minutes, seeing the pennants on the wall and watching the broken plane hanging suspended from the ceiling before he turned away and went to the kitchen instead.
There would be no normal life for him.
Never again.
The round cereal clinked into the bowl cheerily. The box declared that it was Space Acers, and it had been one of Malcolm's favorites. The marshmallows stood out amongst the grain circles. They were the kind of neon color that only a kid could love, the lumpy multicolor of poor craftsmanship, and lack of real care. He saw a tear fall into them as he studied them. He remembered how Malcolm had sung the jingle every time he ate them. He remembered how Malcolm could name all seven different marshmallow shapes, remembering when he'd gotten so excited over that Captain Acer decoder ring he'd found in a box last year.
He saw another tear fall into the cereal and turned to get the milk. He opened the door and scanned the pristine white glow of the refrigerator for the carton. He was momentarily worried that they were out, but suddenly, the Happy Cow's face came into view. When he picked it up, he got a nasty shock as he realized that Bright Farms Diary was printed over the head of the smiling cow. Had they always provided their milk? He was sure it had been a different company last week. He turned the carton, reading the description on the side, feeling a kind of surreal haze role over him.
It told how Bright Dairy cows were the happiest cows in the world.
It told how Bright Dairy was the leading provider of Dairy for his area.
Then he turned the carton and felt it slip out of his numb fingers. As it fell, he could clearly see the Missing Child picture on the side of the carton. The black and white photo made it hard to make out his exact features, but John would know the boy's sandy brown hair and green eyes, even in black and white. He was smiling, as he had been in the beach picture, and under the picture was the legend "Found Child: Answers to Malcolm. Misses his father. Wants to know why his father hasn't come to get him. Wants to know why his father doesn't love him."
The milk puddled on the ground as his son's face stared up at him from the floor.
He felt his tear patter into the pool as he looked down at the spilled milk.
"What do you mean you're out of milk?"
John had been to three different stores, and each of them had been out of milk. The first two had little signs taped up on their milk coolers, saying how sorry they were that they were out of milk. There had been no one to yell at there, but at the third store, he had found someone to yell at. The man in the plastic apron bore it well, clearly not his first irate customer today, and flashed his pasted on grin in the face of John's ire.
"Sorry, sir, but the company had a little trouble with their truck today. You could try another store, I suppose, but I'm guessing they're all in the same boat."
Smug prick, John thought.
He knew they were all in the same boat.
"You could always go down to Bright Farms and get the milk yourself." The man added, taking a step away as though trying to distance himself from the conversation.
John watched him go, breathing out disgustedly as he went back to the parking lot to find his car.
He guessed he was going to Bright Farms.
Bright Farms looked almost idyllic.
John had driven for almost an hour, making his way out of the hustle and bustle of the city and into the more rural areas that surrounded it. Here was the farm belt, the farms with acres of land all planted with vegetables in neat rows or with livestock happily munching grass in the fields. John saw big red barns and farmhouses with long porches, people moving about between them as they went about their daily lives. The road ran on and on, and when his GPS said he had arrived, he almost didn't believe it. The farm had seemed like such a strange place in the infomercial. Some kind of farm akin to a backwoods gospel tent where miracles happened, or at least they claimed they did.
This place looked like the place in the Hidden Valley commercials.
The road turned left onto a hard-packed dirt track. John could see fields ripe with produce, an orchard in the distance with happy pickers at work, a long pair of barns for cows or sheep maybe, and several tall wooden houses that looked almost Amish. The sign over the road read "Bright Farms" in cheery white letters. The place seemed downright peaceful, downright wholesome.
John turned his car down the road and drove towards the cluster of buildings.
There were eight two-story houses built of dark brown wood. Heavy windows looked down from the buildings, and to anyone on the ground, they looked like disapproving eyes. Among them, as though surrounded, was a squat little building with a long porch complete with rockers. A sign hung across the roof declared it to be the General Store. John thought it was as good a place as any to find some information, so he mounted the steps and went inside.
A bell tinkled overhead merrily.
The inside was a packed but orderly arrangement of everything one might need for frontier life at the turn of the century. There were long shelves stacked with sacks of beans and corn, flour and sugar, bolts of cloth and spools of thread, and an overwhelming smell of brine that led him to a huge pickle jar near the front of the store. Behind a long counter, stood a man in a butchers apron, his dark hair and small mustache looking eerily familiar, wearing the biggest smile John had ever seen. He stared intently at John, and the attention made his skin crawl.
"Morning stranger, are you here for the milk?"
"I guess," John said.
The man cocked his smiling head, "Pardon me for saying so, sir, but you don't really seem sure."
"I...I seem to be drawn here for some reason lately. I see your commercials and your products, and they seem to be calling me here."
The man cocked his head to the side and then snapped his fingers loudly, "I thought you looked familiar, your John, right?"
John jumped a little, "How do you know my name?"
"Oh, we've been waiting for you. We've been keeping something very special for you, it's in the barn. Come on."
The shopkeeper went off into the room behind the counter, beckoning as he left. John felt drawn to follow him, but as he stepped, he contemplated. Was he really going to just follow this stranger into the back of his store? These people clearly wanted him here for some reason. Why give them what they wanted? Unless...unless they might actually have…
"Coming?" called a voice from the back.
John was around the counter before he could stop himself.
He followed him into the back of the store, a shadowy mountain of creaking shelves, but the man in the apron was already standing by an open back door. He led him out into the bright dooryard and pointed to the long cow shed he had seen before. If he had thought that it looked too big from the road, now it seemed to stretch off towards the field for too long. It wasn't just the length either, the shed looked odd somehow. It looked like the kind of place that held secrets best left unfound, like a freakshow tent or the back room of a snake handlers' revival. John hesitated as the man took a step toward the shed, not wanting to know what lay inside.
The man looked back, cheerily, "Don't you want to see what we have for you? He's been waiting for so long."
"Who?" John asked, but the man was already walking towards the shed, and John had to step quickly to catch up.
The shed door creaked open ominously as the shopkeeper slid it to the side. He reached inside and fumbled against the wall until a loud snap signaled the lights to life. They clicked on rapidly, lighting overhead fluorescents snapping on in a quick pattern that lit the small wooden berths in the long cow shed. As they stepped inside, the man walked briskly, and John tried to follow as his curious eyes also tried to take in what lay inside each of the berths. Most were people, confused and naked as they sat in the straw, but some were full of objects or money or precious items. The worst were the shadowy stalls that held things with red eyes and furtive breaths. The huddled in the darkness and looked at him as he went past. Their eyes held no recognizable emotion except hate.
After a minute of quick walking, they came to a stop.
The man extended his hand towards a closed stall.
"This is it. Hurry up, he's waiting for you."
John was a few steps behind him, the berth next to this one holding a smashed in Mercedes. When he heard the man speak, his voice echoing in this strangely quiet place, John shivered a little. He didn't want to disturb the things here, many of which were rather disturbing on their own. John didn't want to know what might happen if they suddenly decided to leave their stalls and come out where they could get at him.
As he came up to the gate of his berth, he could see a small, naked boy of about ten who was sitting on the floor with his knees hugged up to his chest. A head of sandy blond hair was visible between those knees, and John felt his breath stick in his chest. The hair was soft, baby fine, and looked thick and recently washed. It piled artlessly on top of the small head, just as Malcomn's always had, and John felt the tears slide down his face as he remembered how it had poked out underneath his baseball cap when he pulled it down to get it out of his face.
Then the boy looked up with those too green eyes, and John saw Malcolm smile at him from the straw strewn floor.
"Daddy?"
The boy asked it as though he didn't dare quite believe it.
It was too much.
John felt his knees unhinge, and suddenly he was falling into darkness as the naked boy rose from the floor and came to peek at him through the stall door.
The last thing he saw before blacking out was those too green eyes as they bore into him.
He came awake with those eyes staring at him.
Someone had put him in a bed. The sheets were soft and the pillowy luxurious, but the blanket was like sandpaper as it lay atop him. The boy perched on his chest was digging it into him painfully, and as he woke up, the boy smiled and crawled to snuggle with him under the blanket. He wrapped his small arms around him and seemed to notice the uncomfortable fabric not at all. John felt the comfortable press of his sons as he lay beside him. How many days had he woken up just this way? Malcolm pressed between him and his wife as they slept together, his warmth comfortable against John's back as he wormed in between them. John wrapped his own arms around him and breathed in the scent of fabric softener, the off-brand shampoo his wife bought for them, and warm grass that always seemed to hang around Malcolm.
John opened his eyes.
He expected to wake up in his own bed, the dream evaporating around him, but Malcolm was still there.
The door opened then. The man from behind the counter walked in, his hard boots knocking on the wooden floor, and he smiled his too-wide smile at John.
"You're awake," he stated.
John sat up and put a protective arm around his son. The boy was dressed in a pair of overalls, a blue shirt beneath, and John saw that he was still wearing the clothes he had arrived in. The room was spartan, a bed and an end table being its only elements, and as the smiling man towered over them, John began to feel self-conscious. He slid out of bed, Malcolm still clinging to him, and faced the man.
"How is it that you came to have my son?"
The man shrugged, "The Farm knows what people want, it knows what people need. One day I was sweeping up, and there he was, just sittin there. He looked up with those big green eyes and asked where his daddy was, and I just knew that sooner or later you'd come looking."
John ruffled Malcomn's hair, "I'm glad I did. It seemed like everything lately was trying to bring me here."
"Are you hungry?" the smiling man asked suddenly, "Margarette, my wife, just about has lunch ready, and she'd be tickled pink if you'd join us."
John looked down into Malcomn's deep green eyes and smiled, "Sure, why not?"
They spent the rest of the day together. After lunch, Thomas took them down to feed day-old bread to the ducks in his little pond. Thomas, the smiling man, had finally introduced himself, and as he and his wife, a smiling plump woman of middle age, had fed them from their table, John couldn't take his eyes off Malcolm. The boy dug into the meal just as his boy always had like it might be the last he'd ever have, and when Margarette offered them each a piece of the pie, the boy's eyes lit up with excitement. How many birthdays had John seen that same expression cross his face as the cake came out? Malcolm caught John staring and smiled shyly at him as Margarette added a big scoop of ice cream to go with it.
After the ducks, Malcolm noticed a playground on the town commons. He drug John to it, a small clearing with wooden climbing courses and metal antiques that spun and bobbled, and as John sat and watched, other kids came over to play with Malcolm in that easy way that children often do. Watching Malcolm play, running during tag or jumping and loping during their games of make-believe, filled John with a curious mixture of hope and dread. He hoped this would never end, he hoped he had crashed his car on the way to the farm and that this was heaven, and that he could simply sit here and watch his boy play for the rest of his days. At the same time, he dreaded when this would all end, and his sadness would creep back in as the delusion or dream or whatever this was ended.
"It's best not to think too hard about it, pal."
John jumped. Thomas had seated himself next to him, the stretched skin on his mouth still fashioned into that rictus of a smile that, up close, seemed almost painful. Why did he smile like that if the act clearly hurt him? He tried to find his words, but in the face of that painful smile, they all seemed to muddy in his mind.
"To think about what?" he finally ejaculated.
"How he can be or how he came to be here. He is here, he's your son, and its best not to think about it."
John watched him as though he thought he might vanish if he looked away.
"We can make a place for you here." Thomas continued, "A place for you and Malcolm. You can be a part of this community and know the blessing of the Bright as we all do."
John snapped his gaze back to Thomas, "I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"
Thomas put his old worn hands on his knees and grinned, "Well, you're here now. We have to find the two of you a place here in the community."
"Why would I do that?" John asked, genuinely perplexed.
The smile turned confused, "Well, you can't leave. The two of you have to stay."
John felt himself growing angry but tried to keep it in check.
This man had given him an irreplaceable gift, and it wouldn't be good manners to shout at him.
"Are you...are you trying to tell me that we can't leave?" he asked through gritted teeth.
Thomas shrugged, "Of course not, you're free to leave at any time. But Malcolm, he is of the Bright. You can't take him away from here; it would be cruel to do so."
Malcolm ran up about that time, his smiling face flushed with exertion.
"Daddy, some of the kids want to know if we'll attend service with them this evening. Can we go? It sounds fun."
John collected Malcolm into his arms then and stood towering over the smiling Thomas.
"No, son, I think it's time we left. Your mother will never believe it when I show you to her." but just the thought of sharing Malcolm made John feel strange.
Thomas seemed unperturbed by John, "I wouldn't do that friend. It never ends well."
"Just leave us alone," John said, backing away, "all of you just...leave us alone."
He was running by the time he made the parking lot; Malcolm's familiar weight born easily.
John's car was conspicuously absent. He had thought it was some kind of illusion, the tan-colored car would appear when he got a little closer, but now he saw that even the ruts he had left in the dirt lot were gone. The car was missing, and he was left with few options for escape. He turned towards the road and saw the quaint wooden gate rising in the distance. It could have been fifty feet, it could have been fifty miles, John didn't care.
As the sunset at his back, he began to walk towards the gate.
"Daddy, don't, I feel sick," Malcolm whined.
John ignored him, clinging to him as he jogged for the gate. He could flag down a car once they made the road. This was a busy road, after all, and a passing trucker or traveler would take them back to the city. They could be home by bedtime, and Malcolm could sleep in his bed beneath the watchful eyes of his baseball poster and his Starwars ships that hung from the ceiling by fishing line.
"Daddy?" Malcolm's voice sounded hoarse.
The dirt puffed under his feet as he jogged. With every step, he expected a torch-bearing mob to rise up to block his path. They wouldn't want him to take this miracle child from them, something that should not exist, and they would fight to stop him from leaving. He would fight them. They would kill him, but he would fight them. He would die, but his last image would be of Malcolm as he…
"Stop, I feel sick, Daddy. I don't want to leave. I want to...I want to…"
Malcolm became dead in his arms as he jogged. The stile came up before him, and he hefted the child in his arms as he ran. Malcolm was heavy, his skin clammy, something like sweat or tears dampening John's shirt as he ran. He was suddenly fearful, what if they had poisoned him? What if they had done something to Malcolm so he couldn't leave?
He finally looked down at his precious son and screamed into what had once been his face.
John found he was holding something more akin to a lump of clay. In his arms like a child's approximation of a person. The arms were thick and lumpy, the body little more than a badly formed torso of androgynous humps, and the head was malformed, its eyes and mouth little more than scooped out holes, with tufts of hair shoved hastily into the muck. When it turned its face to him and spoke, the voice of Malcolm rasped out, and John felt that he must surely be going mad.
He fell to his knees, the gate within arms reach, and wept into the bulbous chest of the Malcolm thing. This was unbearable. To lose his son again, and in such a way as this, was unthinkable. He couldn't recover from this. If this really was some dream, then this would be the part where he woke up screaming into his pillow. Things like this didn't happen under the eye of a loving God. There was only so much pain that a man could take before he broke completely.
He knelt in the dirt and sobbed into the mushy chest of his twice lost son, praying for insanity.
Praying for an end to understanding.
It was dark when Thomas found him.
John didn't shudder or even acknowledge him when he put a hand on his shoulder.
He looked up to him, and in the moonlight, his smile looked ghoulish.
"Why?" John croaked, his face awash with the muddy flesh of his still croaking boy, "why?"
Thomas only shook his grinning head, "I tried to tell you, friend. The gifts of Bright Farm are only for those who have accepted the Bright. The miracles experienced here are not for the outside world. If you want to stay with Malcolm, then you have to stay near the Bright."
John turned back to the odd boy thing.
He stared at it for a long time.
"If I accept this Bright, my son will be returned to me?"
"As he was before," Thomas assured.
John looked away, and in the moonlight, his martyr's mask was ghastly with the mush of his son's chest.
"Show me."
Thomas took him by the hand.
He led John towards the chapel that lay behind the cowshed. Inside, a sun seemed to shine only for those within. As they approached, John could feel it baking him and felt the warmth fill him. He felt his fear, his anger, his sadness, and all his doubt burned from him. Someone by the wooden doors took the boy shape from him, and at that moment, he barely noticed. He had discovered something new, something old.
As the doors were opened and the baking Bright shone over him, he felt his lips pulled into a painful smile.
The Bright was all he ever needed.
The thing he wanted but never knew.
He was burned anew by the Bright, and it was good.
The van pulled up in the dirt parking lot of the little community. The ramp came down, and the sandy-haired woman rolled her wheelchair onto the metal slab. As it descended, she began looking at the gawking faces that had gathered to see her decent. She had been wheelchair-bound since the accident, but she refused to let it stop her. Even if she'd had to crawl, she wouldn't have let it stop her from finding John.
For six months, she'd recovered in the hospital alone.
For six months, he had ignored her phone calls.
When the bank had called to let her know that her mortgage hasn't been paid in six months, she was worried.
When the police called to tell her that her husband's car had been found, abandoned, on the stretch of road leading up to this place, she had been terrified.
When her friend, Lisa, had seen him at the farmers market selling quilts and homegrown vegetables, however, she had been furious.
He had abandoned their old life to go find himself in the country, leaving her in the ICU to fight for her life and worry about him as he slid into silence.
She meant to find him and make him answer for his absence.
The wheels of her chair didn't much care for the dirt paths that led up to the two-story houses that seemed to be the living quarters for this little community. The man on the phone had told her that John lived in the house closest to the playground, and as she rolled towards the playground, she felt her arms grow stiff and non-compliant. She sat in the dirt road and gawked at the perfect, sandy-haired boy that was now standing atop the play structure and laughing with the other overall-clad children.
Malcolm.
It was Malcolm.
He looked at her then, and she saw recognition dawn on his face. He jumped from the structure, landing in that way that only children and drunks seem able, and ran to her with guileless joy. He buried his face against her chest, rubbing his soft hair against her, and fixed her with those deep green eyes that had enchanted her since his birth. It was him, in the flesh, and as he hugged her, she could no more summon the strength to hug him back than she could have summoned the strength to strangle him to death.
"Mommy, mommy, I missed you."
She saw a man rise from the bench, and through his tangled beard, she could see that it was John. He was smiling, his face a rictus of pleasured pain. His mouth smiled, but as she saw his eyes, she felt a stab of pain rip through her heart. His eyes were pinched, screaming, and as he approached, he seemed to be begging her to run. He bent to hug her, melding against his son easily as the two embraced her like some lost relation who came back again.
"How...how is this possible, John?"
He smiled at her with his painful grin.
"Come to the Barn, Claire. All things can be found if you're willing to see the light."
submitted by Erutious to Erutious [link] [comments]


2020.07.30 18:00 SaintRidley Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ Feb. 29, 1988

Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words, continuing in the footsteps of daprice82. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives.
• PREVIOUS •
1987
FUTURE YEARS ARCHIVE:
The Complete Observer Rewind Archive by daprice82
1-4-1988 1-11-1988 1-18-1988 1-25-1988
2-1-1988 2-8-1988 2-15-1988 2-22-1988
Rewinder note: Sorry about missing last week. Should be looking good going forward, just last week left no time for this.
  • Crockett has taken a page out of WWF’s playbook and announced a card to counterprogram Wrestlemania. Not all the details are known yet, but on March 27 Crockett’s NWA will run a 2.5 hour show from 4 pm to 6:30 pm, the same time slot WW has reserved for Wrestlemania (remember when Wrestlemania was less than 3 hours?). It’s probable that this show will be held at the Greensboro Coliseum, and it’s being billed as some kind of “Clash of the Champions” and is expected to be packed with seven main event level matches. Flair defending against Sting will headline, along with Dusty and the Road Warriors vs. the Powers of Pain and Ivan Koloff in a barbed wire match, Tully and Arn vs. Windham and Luger for the NWA tag titles, Midnight Express vs. the Fantastics for the U.S. tag titles, Mike Rotunda vs. Jimmy Garvin for the TV title in an amateur rules match, Zbyszko vs. Shane Douglas, and tentatively Kerry and Kevin Von Erich are scheduled for this and the Crockett Cup. That last is huge, as it means there’s an open line of communication between Crockett and Ken Mantell.
  • As for Wrestlemania, the card is set for that now. The tournament is the main point of the card, but there will also be a few other matches. Honkeytonk Man vs. Brutus Beefcake match for the IC Title is one, and Dave expects a title change here or sooner than Wrestlemania. Dave hears that Honkeytonk isn’t going to be punished for refusing to drop the belt, but it’s hard to imagine they won’t make an example of him so nobody else gets any bright ideas about refusing to go along with storylines. The British Bulldogs and Koko B. Ware vs. The Islanders and Bobby Heenan is also on the docket, while Demolition and Strike Force will fight for the tag titles. Lastly, Hercules Hernandez takes on Warrior, and a battle royal will feature all those unfortunate no-talent bums who just can’t earn a spotlight match on the card like Sam Houston, Bret Hart, and Harley Race. Celebrity appearances are to include Vanna White as guest timekeeper, Robin Leach of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous presenting the title to the winner of the tournament (looks like a sign DiBiase will win), and Bob Uecker returning as ring announcer and color commentator.
  • So will Clash of the Champions hurt Wrestlemania? Yes and no. Wrestlemania is theoretically an 18 match card, though double eliminations will probably help bring it down to around 16, and that many matches on a card for a 2.5 hour show (not to mention the ridiculous length of WWF ring entrances, intermissions, and other assorted nonsense they tend to pack a show full of) means most matches won’t even top 5 minutes (more on the length of the show next week: spoilers, Wrestlemania is closer to 4 hours). The card for Wrestlemania is honestly just not good. Dave thought the tournament was a stroke of genius at first, but the layout and talent in it make it much weaker than it should be. Hogan, who is the big marquee guy, is now just one of the boys here, and that means there’s no real main event to hype up because the tournament means they can’t build the show around Hogan vs. DiBiase or Hogan vs. Andre. And that probably hurts impulse purchases on ppv. It makes some sense to make Hogan one of the boys if he’s taking the summer off, though, and all indications point that way, because the goal is to make the belt the main draw of the company independent of Hogan. But that’s unlikely to work. No belt today can draw on its own. Hogan is a draw. Flair is a draw. Hennig and Perez aren’t draws, with or without belts. There’s no difference between a show where Flair defends the belt and one where he’s in a tag match, and the same goes for Hogan: they’re the draws, and fans don’t care about the belt. And you’ll notice not one word of that has a thing to do with whether Crockett will hurt WWF on Wrestlemania with their show. And that’s because for the most part, any damage done to Wrestlemania is WWF’s own fault for booking the show they’ve booked. Wrestlemania 4 will be a success. No question there, and there’s zero chance Crockett can ruin the show with their counteroffer. What they can do is cost WWF a bit of money, just like WWF did to them in January. There is a chunk of WWF’s potential market for Wrestlemania who will watch Crockett’s show instead because it is free and Wrestlemania costs $20. Wrestlemania will be a success because it’s Wrestlemania and last year’s show earned a lot of good will in the fans’ eyes as a can’t-miss show like the Super Bowl. So Crockett will have a small effect, and probably cost WWF serious money, but in the grand scheme of things it won’t be a big blow. Crockett stands to do well, as most of the country can’t get ppv so they ought to get a pretty solid rating, while WWF will most probably have a similar buyrate to last year and pull in around $18 million (which will net the company $9 million after cable gets their cut). And that’s not touching closed-circuit, which WWF will do well with, but that’s where Crockett can cost them money. Being a free alternative will probably knock off about 10% of WWF’s closed-circuit viewership, possibly more if they build well since WWF has booked Wrestlemania the way they have. And still, there’s taking into consideration the reality of what happened in January. Can Crockett get past the negative reception of its last few big shows against WWF’s run of well-received big shows?
  • Finally, something different, it's Road Warrior Animal injury update time. Dave knows he’s made errors and wants to get everything straight in one go here. So. Animal was legit injured on January 29 in Pittsburgh. Warlord, not Barbarian, Samoan dropped Animal. It was done wrong or Animal bumped wrong or just freak accident, but thebone above Animal’s eye got smashed badly, and it wasn’t known how bad right away. He went to Greensboro for the weightlifting competition the next day, and they were worried about pressure on the eye, so while they used legit weights they just called out fake numbers (as opposed to WWF, which went with fully gimmicked weights for theirs). After the competition, Animal went to the hospital and they discovered he had a detached retina, broken bone, and his eye was knocked half an inch into his forehead. He had eye surgery, and they’re advertising his return for this coming week. No word on if that’s going to happen or not, though - they were pushing that he’d return in Philly last week when they knew he wasn’t going to be. More on this next week, because Dave keeps finding this story to change on him.
  • [Alabama/Knoxville] The Continental split-up finally went down. The Knoxville territory will be called USA Pro Wrestling and will be running east Tennessee, with Ron Fuller running the show. Their roster includes Mongolian Stomper, Buddy Landel, the Rock & Roll RPMs (Mike Davis and Tommy Lane) as USA Tag champions, Hector Guerrero, Doug Furnas (injured with a concussion), “Bullet” Bob Armstrong, Austin Idol, and a few other names. Continental Championship Wrestling will remain in Alabama and start running Northwest Florida again as well, with David Woods running the promotion. Dutch Mantell, Wendell Cooley (currently out with a broken kneecap), Lord Humongous (Sid Eudy) and Detroit Demolition (Randy Culley, aka Moondog Rex, who actually was part of the original Demolition while Barry Darsow grew his hair out, and still wearing Demolition gear) managed by Downtown Bruno (later on it turns out Culley is not being managed by Bruno and is instead the fourth member of a stable including Robert Fuller, Dutch Mantell, and Jimmy Golden as a weak imitation of the Four Horsemen called the Studs), Dirty White Boy Tony Anthony (and Mystic as Dirty White Girl), Tom Prichard, Scott Hall, Robert Fuller and Jimmy Golden as tag champs, and some others.
  • Memphis is going to start on Financial News Network on April 2 and run weekly on Saturday nights at 9 pm eastern. Don’t rest on this info, as it’s outdated by next week. The network has discussed possibly running New Japan on Sunday nights, but Dave thinks it’s so unlikely to actually happen he shouldn’t have bothered typing it.
  • There’s been a fund set up to help pay Al Blake’s (Vlaidimir Petrov) legal expenses. Blake was convicted a few months ago for cocaine trafficking. Dave gives the info for people to write in and get more information about the fund.
  • Billy Jack Haynes has been granted a promoter’s license in Oregon and started a promotion called Oregon Wrestling Federation. He apparently plans to hold six shows a week in Oregon, with himself as top babyface. Haynes will now be in direct competition with both Don Owen and Vince McMahon. Plans are to have a roster of about 14-16 wrestlers, but no names are official yet, and there’s rumor that he’ll get tv in Portland on the local ABC affiliate. Haynes plans to concentrate on big guys rather than small guys like most of the regional territories now focus on. The only name that anyone knows he has contacted is Tom Zenk. Owen also runs Washington, but no plans currently exist for Haynes to run up there. Owen’s promotion has been around since the 1920s, and there’s really not room for two regional promotions, so this should be interesting to see how it shakes out. Also interesting to see what happens with Haynes wrestling - reports from WWF indicate that he left because of poor health due to a heart condition. It’s really hard to find any real information with a quick google search, but I strongly suspect that this venture goes under before the year is out.
  • The Simmons Research Bureau released its annual sports demographics statistics for this year, and pro wrestling is one of the sports they cover. Some good news and some bad news for wrestling, of course, and the accuracy of these numbers is debatable, but they are important in that they are perceived as facts by advertising firms and thus these are very important for figuring out advertising rates. In good news: wrestling supposedly saw a 5% increase in viewers over the past year with 30.3 million adult viewers, ranking 7th behind pro football, MLB, college football, the NBA, college basketball, and boxing. Sports viewing on the whole was down 5.6% though, and wrestling and the NBA were the only top 10 sports to see an increase (boxing was down 16.4% from last year). Dave doesn’t really take the report seriously because of its findings on roller derby. Derby supposedly saw a 29.8% increase over last year, but Dave thinks that’s just preposterous, as just two years ago roller derby had national coverage on ESPN and drew good ratings, and last year they weren’t even on the list while this year it was 20th out of 21 listed). This year? No new tapes for syndication, one Derby group isn’t even running, and the other hasn’t made new tv in over a year. So the idea that they have been getting more viewers (to the tune of a 29% increase) without putting out new material for tv is just absurd. Setting that aside, the bad news is wrestling’s demographics are considered less desirable by advertisers. The raw numbers look good and might make it a good buy for advertisers, but they’ll pay less for ad time because wrestling viewership isn’t dominated by the demographics advertisers want to market to. Wrestling, according to Simmons, is strongest among Black folks, 18-24 year old men, men more than women (61% of the audience is men, 39% women) in general, low income families, people who have less than a high school education, and single adults. In short, advertisers will look at this and conclude wrestling fans are stupid, poor, and too young (18-24 men don’t have the same level of disposable income as another age bracket up) and Black to be worth the effort of spending large amounts of money to try and reach for little perceived return.
  • A correction on Crockett Cup - it’s set for April 22/23 in Greensvile, S.C. for the first day and Greensboro for the second day. Seedings will likely be announded on March 27, and Dave recommends readers (a lot of readers typically have attended the Cup) stay in Charlotte since it’s halfway between both sites.
  • Wrestlemania tickets should be sold out by the time this issue reaches readers. After figuring out exactly how many freebies they’re giving, somewhere between 7,000 and 9,000 tickets were being held out of 18,165 total seats. As of February 19, around 1,500 tickets were left to be sold, and paid attendance will be in the 15,000 range. That means roughly 3,000 freebies.
  • The Penthouse story on the Von Erichs has been delayed again. The earliest it’ll appear is August, and given the history of the family, they’ll likely suffer one real tragedy, two fake tragedies, and find a new fake relative all before the issue hits newsstands.
  • Paul E. Dangerously had a hilarious promo moment in Southern Championship Wrestling while interviewing Randy Rose. Paul was saying he doesn’t care how much money it costs, he’s going to do away with Tommy Rich, and Rose pulls out his wallet and throws a bunch of dollar bills in the air. Paul just looks at him and says something along the lines of “I see you cashed Verne’s check.”
  • The Bunkhouse Stampede finals did a 3.5% buyrate out of 6 million available homes, which means roughly 200,000 buys. Gross revenue should be in the $3 million range, with JCP getting about half. Dave’s sources said anything higher than 3% would be profitable, so the show wasn’t a bomb financially, but it definitely could have been better.
  • [Memphis] Over here the AWA tag titles are held up between the Rock & Roll Express and the Midnight Rockers. The finish on February 15 in Memphis saw a ref bump, and then a second referee came out, and both referees counted simultaneous pins for each side. The next day in Lousiville (which drew 3,000, when normally they draw 1,000) they repeated the finish, and probably did the same the next night in Evansville as well. So there will be rematches in each city as well to decide the champion. Ah the days of non-televised shows being the important thing, so you could do this sort of thing and really make the title histories convoluted and confusing.
  • [Memphis] Missy Hyatt showed up on February 20’s tv in Memphis with Doug Gilbert. She avoided the subject of Eddie Gilbert, who hasn’t made an appearance, but that’s obviously going to happen. The story as Dave understands is that Gilbert was fired by Crockett for missing two tv tapings nobody had told him he was supposed to be at. It’s a miracle he lasted as long as he did anyway, considering he somehow got into the position of UWF booker for the UWF vs. NWA feud and wound up outlasting all the ex-UWF guys except Black Bart, Sting, and Rick Steiner.
  • New to Memphis is an opening act heel guy named Scotty the Body. Dave’s heard of him from some independent promotion somewhere, but the guy isn’t getting a push, and from what Dave’s heard of his ability, he doesn’t deserve one. Eh, never say nevermore, because this is the Observer debut of Raven.
  • [Oregon] The Frank Bonema Memorial show on February 16 was a major disappointment, only drawing 600. The matches were all good, at least. The Grappler beat Hennig for the AWA title after using a loaded boot, but the promoter later on said he was ordered by AWA president Stanley Blackburn to hold up the title (which means the title is held up in both Minneapolis and Oregon). Given the time difference, fans in Oregon must be expected to believe Blackburn is the hardest working president in wrestling, since it was well past midnight in Minneapolis when he supposedly made the call to hold the title up.
  • Stampede is being forced into a smaller building due to the Olympics being in Calgary. The building they have to work with seats 950, and with all the competition around town they’ll not be able to draw very well in all likelihood. And even after the Olympics, with how much money the event takes out of the economy, they’re likely to still have problems for a while.
  • In what will remain of Continental (Alabama), Scott Hall is being set up to feud with Lord Humongous (Sid Eudy). Hall is improving, but is nowhere near ready to have a good match with Humongous, who is just awful. Probably too much softball stunting his ability.
  • Is the world ready for a Von Erich comic book? No, not really, but we're getting one anyway. Creative Ink of Tyler, Texas is scheduling the March release of “The Saga of the Von Erich Warriors” in which Kerry, Kevin, and Fritz are taken from Earth to the planet Namoria to rescue the Namorians from attackers from the planet Nefarian. The comic winds up not coming out until 1989, and it’s a one off single issue.
Read: The Saga of the Von Erich Warriors
  • If Ken Mantell and Jim Crockett can strike a deal, expect Flair vs. Kerry Von Erich in Texas Stadium in May. Don't hold your breath. WCCW has started doing okay business again (okay, however, does not translate to taking Crockett’s place as the number 2 promotion like some people who have way too many drugs in their system think), so that’s probably helpful to negotiations.
  • WCCW has cut ticket prices to $5 for their February 22 Fort Worth show, headlined by the Thunderdome cage match. The Von Erichs and Steve and Schaun Simpson and Bill Irwin will face Buddy Roberts and King Parsons and Rip Morgan and Angel of Death and Eric Embry in a cage match where all ten men are in the ring tornado style, and each time a guy gets pinned he gets handcuffed to the corner and when all members of a team are handcuffed their opponents get to uncuff their partners and beat the losers for five minutes without a referee.
  • WCCW came up with something Dave thinks is even dumber than buying a belt. On February 14 (Dave has the 15th), the Texas tag titles were contested in a best two of three falls, where the final fall went to a double countout. So they brought out a deck of cards and each team drew a card, with the high card winning the titles. So John Tatum and Jack Victory won by drawing the high card against the Fantastics.
  • No word yet from AWA’s Feb 20 Las Vegas tapings before they go on hiatus other than the Rock & Roll Express debuted (or were scheduled to, update on this below) as babyfaces. Obviously that’s a silly move, since they have a natural feud with the Midnight Rockers if they were heels and they have always been booed in the Twin Cities. Also Tom Zenk quit the AWA on the day of the taping just as they were setting up for a feud between him and Curt Hennig (also an update on Zenk below). Zenk knows his worth, though, and he knows he’s not going to be paid decently to actually wrestle in AWA, so it’s not worth doing. Also, he seems to have no idea what the thinking behind having him debut in a draw with Billy Robinson before going on to feud with Hennig.
  • Speaking of AWA pay, Hennig isn’t the only one who will be paid while AWA is on hiatus. Kevin Kelly and Madusa are also on guarantees, although theirs are substantially less than Hennig’s Hennig is getting around $1500 per week, while they’re on under $300 per week. Better than nothing, though.
  • Here’s the current situation with the tag titles and world title in AWA. So the tag titles are currently held up in three different cities, but everywhere else the Midnight Rockers are definitively the tag champions. As for the world title, that’s held up in two cities and they have different challengers with claims to the title in those cities. Totally not a headache to keep track of.
  • Verne Gagne and Wally Karbo’s lawsuit has been settled out of court. Karbo was Gagne’s partner and co-founder of the AWA when they broke away from the NWA back in 1960, and he sold his interest in the company to Gagne in 1985, from which I suspect this lawsuit emerged. From piecing info together (none of the newsletters to this point that I have contain anything about the lawsuit, and this isn’t easy to pull from the internet either), it looks like Gagne was unable or unwilling to pay what he owed to Karbo in full, so Karbo sued, and here we are with the settlement. Dave’s gotten two stories out of this settlement: one has Verne agreeing to pay in full by March 1, while one report says Karbo is settling for getting 10 cents on the dollar of what he’s owed. Maybe we’ll learn more in the future, because it’s an interesting piece of info about the death spiral of the AWA.
  • Former UWF TV Champion Savannah Jack has developed serious heart problems. Serious enough he may need a heart transplant. He’s still working as a manager right now for Pro Wrestling America. Don’t worry - Savannah Jack will pull through this one.
  • POWW is scheduling 20 dates in March. A few of their women can work, but most are trying to get exposure to launch into modeling or film acting, which, hey, do what you gotta do to make it. The pay for them is pretty good, Dave hears, but the issue is that their training hasn’t really given them enough to really make it in wrestling for any of them who choose to try - the ex-GLOW girls in particular apparently don’t even know what spots are, let alone how to do them. It makes the matches between the women who can work and those who can’t really bad.
  • Global Wrestling in Florida has lost all their big name talent except Colonel Kirchner. Dave says they’ve become the “only amateur pro wrestling organization in the country” if you get what he’s saying.
  • A Muscular Dystrophy auction at a new york night club saw a bunch of sports memorabilia auctioned off, including a pair of Bruiser Brody’s boots. The boots sold for $500.
  • There’s a new book by Jim Friedman called Drawing Heat coming out. Dave’s going to read it this week and give impressions, but his initial impression is that it’s a smart analysis of how wrestling has changed over the years.
  • Apparently on their last Japan tour, Abdullah the Butcher and TNT had some issues. TNT refused to work with Abby for a few days, feeling like he was being held back to make Abby look better, but they resolved it. Likewise, Tatsumi Fujinami boycotted a card where he was supposed to team with Inoki because Inoki’s ego is planet-sized. But that has also been worked out.
  • Very little of the New Japan jr. heavyweight tournament was broadcast in Japan. TV Asahi believes that jr. heavyweight matches between Japanese guys don’t create much in the way of viewer interest, and were really only interested in the matches pitting a Japanese guy against a foreigner.
  • All Japan is putting Killer Khan, Tiger Chung Lee, and Shunji Takano in Tenryu’s Revolution group. Khan and Lee are on the older side and it just makes Dave wish Baba would invest more in younger talent. Takano has excellent potential with this group, at least. I'll be keeping an eye on this - 1988 is where Revolution starts picking up steam.
  • John Tenta is a candidate for most improved in Japanese Wrestling Journal for 1988. He throws the best dropkick in the entire business and makes the Road Warriors look like kids. His dropkick is so good it's actually his photo on Wikipedia
  • According to Japanese Wrestling Journal, the December 27 New Japan show where the fans rioted in Sumo Hall drew massive ratings when Takeshi Kitano appeared. Dave just quotes a translation of what the journal says and I’ll do it here too:
It started off with a 6 rating while Kobayashi wrestled Hase for the jr. title however it drew nearly a 17 rating at its peak when Takeshi Kitano, one of the top comedians in Japan, appeared at the Sumo Hall for the first time. This means that Takeshi has strong ratings power for TV. This is the reason Inoki and TV Asahi joined hands with the famous comedian. However, Takeshi’s angle is fading out because of the riot held in the Sumo Hall. To make matters worse, New Japan is banned from using the Sumo Hall “for good.” There is nothing wrong with Takeshi being involved in the business since the TV was in a critical situation and New Japan had to take desperate steps to keep the show in prime time, but the plan backfired due to Inoki’s ego.
  • AWA update - the Rock and Roll Express didn’t show up to the Vegas taping. So Paul Diamond and Pat Tanaka got a non-title match with the Midnight Rockers and won that.
  • [WWF] Cuban Assassin and Badnews Brown almost had an incident at the WWF tv tapings on February 16 and 17 in Wichita and Topeka, Kansas. Brown was chasing Assassin around with a chair. Apparently there’s some bad blood between them (and their wives got into it as well) stemming from their Calgary days that led to Assassin leaving Calgary. I guess nothing actually happened beyond the chase with the chair, though, because Dave doesn’t say anything else.
  • Recent AWA shows have been drawing between 42 and 300 fans. The Baron Von Raschke vs. Sheik Adnan grudge match they taped at the Vegas taping will definitely boost those numbers. Yesiree.
  • Tom Zenk apparently left AWA because they kept blowing him off when he asked for guaranteed money. Verne, you can’t expect people to stick around if you won’t pay them.
  • The AWA Title situation remains screwed up, but that’s pretty normal. On the February 21 airing of their Minneapolis tv show, Verne said all the midwestern promoters want to recognize Greg Gagne as champion and said if Stanley Blackburn doesn’t like it, then maybe AWA should get a new president. And thus Stanley Blackburn has been put in the position of being the top heel in the promotion, a full decade before Vince McMahon would actually successfully position himself the same way. Verne also compared this to the situation that led to the formation of the AWA in the first place - the Lou Thesz vs. Edouard Carpentier match in 1957 where Carpentier beat Thesz in two falls (one by DQ) and the NWA wouldn’t recognize the Carpentier as champion but all the midwestern promoters decided to recognize Carpentier as the legitimate champion (and the NWA would eventually pretend Carpentier’s reign never happened at all), which led to them uniting under Verne and Karbo a few years later when Verne beat Carpentier (by countout in the third fall) and forming the AWA. Dave’s not sure what to make of all this, but there seems to be a lot of pressure on Hennig and AWA seems to be holding Greg as an option to cover their asses if Hennig does something. But Hennig really hurt himself bad taking a bad neck and shoulder bump and is supposed to be resting, but instead he worked Vegas and Portland and the AWA office is mad that he’s missed shows (maybe they’re looking for an excuse to cut his guarantee given their financial situation). Dave just hopes Crockett’s people wake up, because Hennig would make a perfect fourth Horseman.
Watch: Gagne vs. Carpentier for the World Title in the match that launched the AWA
  • WTBS has extended its contract with Crockett through 1994. There are a bunch of changes to the tv on TBS as well. The Saturday morning studio show is now becoming NWA Pro on a one-hour delay. The Saturday evening show will almost always be in-studio, and Sunday will be in the arena every week beginning in April with high caliber matches (they’re looking at only 3-4 matches per week for that, which should give the show decent length for undercard matches and 20 minutes for the main event). The Sunday show is aimed at getting ratings up (workrate = ratings, you know), and Saturday is mainly to build house show interest. And the TBS shows will now all be part of the syndicated package, and that should boost their syndicated rating to around the 8.5 level, which is just 1.5 points behind WWF and should get them decent ad sales income through TV.
  • Talks between Crockett and Mantell have gotten “real cold” as of the latest info. Dave’s thinking nothing’s going to come of it at this point.
  • FlaiSting at Clash of the Champions will have J.J. Dillon in a cage above the ring. They’ll also have three judges to decide the match in the event of a time-limit draw. TBS has also agreed to four Clash-like specials per year and Turner signed a five year deal with Crockett to co-promote ppv cards together. So look to Crockett to try to do another ppv this year.
  • A reader suggests that since the Von Erichs keep winning Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic that Dave should rename the award. The Fritz Von Erich Promotional Tactic of the Year would allow Dave to stop spilling so much ink on how scummy the Von Erichs are and instead allow a quick reminder without having to go into detail. It's funny, because this is the last year the Von Erichs will ever win the award. Fritz's fake heart attack will win for 1988 - next year WWC will win for pushing Invader #1 (fuck Invader #1) a year after he murdered Bruiser Brody, the 90s are pretty evenly between WCW and WWF, and from 2001 on WWF/E only loses this award twice: TNA in 2007 (signing Pacman Jones) and Bellator in 2016 (Kimbo vs. Dada 5000). Really, it's the Vince McMahon Promotional Tactic of the year award at this point in all but name.
  • Did you know that Boris Malenko was apparently blacklisted out of the mainstream promotions back in 1972? I didn’t. But apparently it followed a babyface turn in Florida where he teamed with Eddie Graham’s son Mike. Dave’s not sure why he got blacklisted, only that it was pretty common at that time. He did briefly go to Texas in 1972, maybe that had something to do with it?
  • Magnum T.A.’s latest on-air protege is Shane Douglas. In other Magnum news, his doctors have told him he ought to be able to start jogging again by summer.
  • Crockett is working with the people behind the Candian tv show Learning the Ropes that is being offered up for syndication soon. It’s a comedy about a school teacher whose night job is as a masked wrestler and features clips of NWA wrestlers in character, and if it’s a hit this could help Crockett get some of their guys to become real celebrities. Needless to say, you probably don't remember this show because it wasn't a hit, and if it does ring a bell it's probably thanks to Brian Zane or Wrestlecrap.
Watch: Learning the Ropes opening
Watch: Wrestling with Wregret's review of Learning the Ropes
  • Reports of Crockett’s demise are greatly exaggerated. They drew $350,000 last weekend alone, so they’re still going reasonably strong.
  • Big praise for the Varsity Club in the NWA. Dave’s amazed at how well the gimmick has helped Mike Rotundo turn things around when his career appeared to be stagnating.
  • Although nearly everyone agrees Sting has surpassed Luger, Luger’s still the guy Crockett’s going to be putting time into as the young babyface. Luger’s still going to get all the chances, and Dave likens it to a first-round draft pick who turns out not so hot and a 7th-round pick who does better: you still keep giving the first guy chances because you don’t want to admit you made a mistake and because you’ve invested too much time and money into him already. Speaking of monetary investment, Luger’s contract is seven times more lucrative than Sting’s. So yeah, they’re gonna run with Luger to make that money worth it because the sunk cost fallacy is a difficult one to get over. Sting’s contract runs out in May, so those negotiations could become quite interesting.
THURSDAY: Who will win the Wrestlemania tournament?, Michael Hayes gets the book in World Class, and more
submitted by SaintRidley to SquaredCircle [link] [comments]


2020.07.18 04:36 Erutious Bright Farm

"And so, we commit Malcolm Tyler to the earth. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
The dirt hit the top of the child-sized coffin as it slid into its final resting place.
John just sat there, surrounded by family and friends and yet utterly alone. Malcolm had been ten, on the cusp of the age of reason, and as John looked at the picture of him, that sat amongst the flowers, he could swear it was one of his baby pictures. Malcolm had loved baseball, superheroes, Star Wars, and old video games. He had clung to his father's passions, and the two had always been close. As he watched the coffin slip into the earth, John felt the tears slide down his face. They were naked and unashamed.
The seat next to him was empty too. His wife, Claire, was still in the hospital after the accident that had taken their son. The doctors had told him that she would likely recover but that she might never walk again. They had told him this as though it were a spectacular consolation prize. "Your son will never play in the majors or even see the Star Wars movie he was so looking forward to, but you can rest assured that your now cripple wife will be home as soon as we're done milking your insurance for all its worth."
He sat there and accepted the pats, the condolences, the meaningless words that fell on him like daggers.
His son was gone, and these people were telling him how sorry they were for his loss.
They didn't know loss. They were going to climb into their vehicles, with mostly complete partners, and go back to their homes so they could hug their own children and be glad it hadn't been them who'd lost someone important. They would put the funeral announcement in a drawer by the door where they kept their keys or their change, and one day they would drag it out by mistake and think how sad it had been that such a youngster had died in the prime of his life. Then they would throw it away or put it back in the drawer if they were sentimental and probably never think about it again.
He seethed over these thoughts as he sat in the hard plastic chair which had been provided by Copeland Funeral Home.
He seethed over these people and their routine, unbroken lives until he was the only one there.
Then John got up and went home.
John sat and watched TV, eating his tv dinner without much enthusiasm. The turkey was lumpy and had only cooked in the middle. The mashed potatoes were still half-frozen, and the gravy was like liquid lava. On TV, the news anchor was talking about the Green Man murders. The latest victim, Shelly Rhodes, had been discovered in an alley. The police were looking for anyone who might have seen the perpetrators. John watched, apathetically, as he spooned the mush into his mouth. A commercial came on for Anders Tires, and he tuned it out.
Malcolm had been dead for three days, and John had done little but wallow in his misery.
The house was like a monument to better times.
He had stood in the entryway most of the afternoon after the funeral, staring at a photo of him and Malcolm at the beach. Claire had taken it after they built that sandcastle they were both hunkered over. They had been at the shore for a week, Malcolm as brown as a nut after spending six days on the beach. The castle had begun as a lopsided thing before John had gotten involved. The plastic molds Malcolm had bought at the beachside stand were shoddy things, and John had known a thing or two about sandcastle building. Together they had constructed an elegant castle, complete with drawbridge and moat. The turrets had grown out of the sand, and the flags had been leaves plucked from a nearby tree.
Claire had been laughing as she snapped the photo, and the two of them had been grinning like fools over their accomplishment.
John felt tears fall from his eyes, saw them tumble into the unappetizing mashed potatoes, and spooned them into his mouth anyway.
Malcolm's room was the worst part of the house.
The room stood at the very top of the staircase, easily viewable from the downstairs landing. John had stood in the dark last night and just looked at the doorway from the bottom step. The nightlight cast the scene in a strange Shadowverse. He could vaguely see the baseball players trapped in their glory as they hung glossing from the walls with push pins. He could see the bookshelf where John had taken the night's bedtime story. He could see the balsa wood glider where it hung from the ceiling, the broken wing mocking him. How many times had John promised to fix it? How many times had he told Malcolm that he would go buy a tube of airplane glue? How many times had he gone to the store and not done it?
He had thought he had time.
He had thought he could do it some other when.
He had been wrong.
He had slept in his recliner every night after that.
The phone rang, dragging him from his misery. The picture on the screen was that of his wife, smiling like she was the happiest woman in the world, as Malcolm grinned from her hugging arms. John felt a sob creep up his throat. He would have to change that. He answered it on the sixth ring, saying hello without much enthusiasm.
"Hi, John." His wife sounded tired. She sounded like maybe she had been crying too. She sounded like John felt; ready to just give up and join their son in his eternal rest.
John found he didn't have much of a feeling about that.
"Hi, Claire."
"You didn't come to see me today."
He didn't have an answer to that, so he said nothing.
"Are you okay, John? I'm worried about you."
John thought about the question. He was not, he decided, okay, but if he told his wife that then she would worry. He hadn't come to see her today for that reason. Not for the reason he suspected that she suspected that he blamed her for their son's death. He no more blamed Claire than he blamed the car she had totaled when a semi-truck, driven by a man who was asleep at the wheel, had crushed the car against the guard rail. He didn't blame her for that; it was an event outside of her control.
He hadn't come to see her, because she would look at him and know that something was deeply wrong with him. She would see the dark circles, the pallid skin, the dirty face cleaned only by the tears that seem to run tirelessly, and she would worry. He didn't care about any of that, not really, but if she told a doctor about these things, then John might spend the next few months as a drooling zombie while they pumped him full of dope.
John did not want to dope his pain away.
He wanted to wallow in it like a pig in filth.
"John? Are you...are you mad at me?" He could hear the tears on the verge of bursting.
"No, Kay, I'm just tired." He said, using her pet name, "I haven't slept well since," his own tears slid out now, pale tracts of moisture that always seemed on the verge of falling, "since the funeral."
"I wanted to be there for you and for him, but…"
"I know." He lied.
He knew very little that he was confident of.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay, John. I wish I were there to help you through this. I wish you were here to help me through this."
She was crying now, he could almost hear her tears as they slid against the phone.
He stared at the tv like a husk, incapable of feeling empathy for his sobbing wife.
"I know, but someone has to pay the bills; now more than ever."
That was a crock, said a voice in his brain. John had no more been to work than he'd been upstairs. Mr. Beatle had given him bereavement, and he had taken it without a fight. He had done little but sit morosely and fulfill his body's needs when they clawed against his consciousness. Feed the machine, empty the tank, sleep, rinse, repeat.
It was all very tedious.
"You sound tired, I'll let you get to sleep. Will I see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," he said, lying again, "I'll swing by after work and see how you're doing."
"I'd like that. I miss you, John, I love you."
"I love you too, Kay."
The lies came easily.
He hung up the phone and continued to wallow.
"Are you unhappy?" Asked the man on the tv. He was a tall fellow, sleek black hair, and a thin mustache that looked oily. He was wearing a butcher apron over a white shirt and smiling into the camera like he could see through John's tv screen. It was a little unsettling.
John kept watching, figuring the commercial would be over soon.
"Feeling empty? Perhaps seeking something you've lost?"
John shoveled more food into his mouth but felt his eyes locked on this greasy salesman.
"Here at Bright Farm, we pride ourselves on helping those who are lost come back into the light. Whatever your seeking, you can be sure that we have it here at Bright Farms. Our councilors are here 24/7 to,"
John lifted the remote, a job that seemed harder than it should have, and flipped over to the next channel.
"make sure the light does not escape you in your time of need."
What the hell?
It was the same commercial.
He clicked over again.
"Maybe you've recently had a crisis of faith? Suffered an event that's made you question the existence of a wide and shining God. Maybe you've lost your way, no longer feel that life is worth living,"
John has changed the channel seven times while the man was taking but found him on every channel. For some reason, the man-made him uncomfortable, and he wanted to see anything on the tube at this point. A baseball game, an old movie, a stupid sitcom, anything but this man and his smiling face. As he watched, the smile seemed to stretch under that mustache, and as he clicked the button to turn the set off, he realized that the man's eyes were fixed directly on him. The man was staring at him through the tv, and the veins in his eyes seem to pulsate as he watched.
"maybe you've even lost someone you loved. A mother, a brother,"
The eyes got very intense, and no matter how many times he hit the off button, the tv stayed on.
"A son?"
He was staring right at him now and clearly only at him.
"He's here, John. He's here, and all you have to do is come to him. What are you waiting for, John? Why are you just sitting there, John? He misses you, JOHN!" The man was screaming from the tv, and John was aware of his dinner leaking into the sweat pants he was wearing. He had upset the little plastic tray, but it hardly seemed to matter. The man on the tv was beating his fists against the glass front and yelling at John, questioning him, asking why he didn't come to his son if he missed him so damn much?
John screamed, and as he did, he came awake all at once.
The screen was snow, and he had indeed spilled his dinner.
He turned off the television, cleaned up his chair, and thought longingly about going up to bed.
It only took him a few minutes at the bottom of the stairs to return to his recliner.
He slept fitfully.
He woke up early the next morning, bright and early. This was something he seemed unable to shake from his old life. His job had expected him to arrive at eight AM every day, and his brain seemed hardwired to wake up at six am every morning. He thought about going to work, maybe a day at the office would set him right. He could sit in his office and go over accounts and feel like his usual self. He could pretend that, when the five o'clock bell rang, he could go home to his lovely wife and best buddy in their two bed, two bath home, and when he got off and drove home, he would find it just that way.
He only stood at the foot of the stairs for twenty minutes, seeing the pennants on the wall and watching the broken plane hanging suspended from the ceiling before he turned away and went to the kitchen instead.
There would be no normal life for him.
Never again.
The round cereal clinked into the bowl cheerily. The box declared that it was Space Acers, and it had been one of Malcolm's favorites. The marshmallows stood out amongst the grain circles. They were the kind of neon color that only a kid could love, the lumpy multicolor of poor craftsmanship, and lack of real care. He saw a tear fall into them as he studied them. He remembered how Malcolm had sung the jingle every time he ate them. He remembered how Malcolm could name all seven different marshmallow shapes, remembering when he'd gotten so excited over that Captain Acer decoder ring he'd found in a box last year.
He saw another tear fall into the cereal and turned to get the milk. He opened the door and scanned the pristine white glow of the refrigerator for the carton. He was momentarily worried that they were out, but suddenly, the Happy Cow's face came into view. When he picked it up, he got a nasty shock as he realized that Bright Farms Diary was printed over the head of the smiling cow. Had they always provided their milk? He was sure it had been a different company last week. He turned the carton, reading the description on the side, feeling a kind of surreal haze role over him.
It told how Bright Dairy cows were the happiest cows in the world.
It told how Bright Dairy was the leading provider of Dairy for his area.
Then he turned the carton and felt it slip out of his numb fingers. As it fell, he could clearly see the Missing Child picture on the side of the carton. The black and white photo made it hard to make out his exact features, but John would know the boy's sandy brown hair and green eyes, even in black and white. He was smiling, as he had been in the beach picture, and under the picture was the legend "Found Child: Answers to Malcolm. Misses his father. Wants to know why his father hasn't come to get him. Wants to know why his father doesn't love him."
The milk puddled on the ground as his son's face stared up at him from the floor.
He felt his tear patter into the pool as he looked down at the spilled milk.
"What do you mean you're out of milk?"
John had been to three different stores, and each of them had been out of milk. The first two had little signs taped up on their milk coolers, saying how sorry they were that they were out of milk. There had been no one to yell at there, but at the third store, he had found someone to yell at. The man in the plastic apron bore it well, clearly not his first irate customer today, and flashed his pasted on grin in the face of John's ire.
"Sorry, sir, but the company had a little trouble with their truck today. You could try another store, I suppose, but I'm guessing they're all in the same boat."
Smug prick, John thought.
He knew they were all in the same boat.
"You could always go down to Bright Farms and get the milk yourself." The man added, taking a step away as though trying to distance himself from the conversation.
John watched him go, breathing out disgustedly as he went back to the parking lot to find his car.
He guessed he was going to Bright Farms.
Bright Farms looked almost idyllic.
John had driven for almost an hour, making his way out of the hustle and bustle of the city and into the more rural areas that surrounded it. Here was the farm belt, the farms with acres of land all planted with vegetables in neat rows or with livestock happily munching grass in the fields. John saw big red barns and farmhouses with long porches, people moving about between them as they went about their daily lives. The road ran on and on, and when his GPS said he had arrived, he almost didn't believe it. The farm had seemed like such a strange place in the infomercial. Some kind of farm akin to a backwoods gospel tent where miracles happened, or at least they claimed they did.
This place looked like the place in the Hidden Valley commercials.
The road turned left onto a hard-packed dirt track. John could see fields ripe with produce, an orchard in the distance with happy pickers at work, a long pair of barns for cows or sheep maybe, and several tall wooden houses that looked almost Amish. The sign over the road read "Bright Farms" in cheery white letters. The place seemed downright peaceful, downright wholesome.
John turned his car down the road and drove towards the cluster of buildings.
There were eight two-story houses built of dark brown wood. Heavy windows looked down from the buildings, and to anyone on the ground, they looked like disapproving eyes. Among them, as though surrounded, was a squat little building with a long porch complete with rockers. A sign hung across the roof declared it to be the General Store. John thought it was as good a place as any to find some information, so he mounted the steps and went inside.
A bell tinkled overhead merrily.
The inside was a packed but orderly arrangement of everything one might need for frontier life at the turn of the century. There were long shelves stacked with sacks of beans and corn, flour and sugar, bolts of cloth and spools of thread, and an overwhelming smell of brine that led him to a huge pickle jar near the front of the store. Behind a long counter, stood a man in a butchers apron, his dark hair and small mustache looking eerily familiar, wearing the biggest smile John had ever seen. He stared intently at John, and the attention made his skin crawl.
"Morning stranger, are you here for the milk?"
"I guess," John said.
The man cocked his smiling head, "Pardon me for saying so, sir, but you don't really seem sure."
"I...I seem to be drawn here for some reason lately. I see your commercials and your products, and they seem to be calling me here."
The man cocked his head to the side and then snapped his fingers loudly, "I thought you looked familiar, your John, right?"
John jumped a little, "How do you know my name?"
"Oh, we've been waiting for you. We've been keeping something very special for you, it's in the barn. Come on."
The shopkeeper went off into the room behind the counter, beckoning as he left. John felt drawn to follow him, but as he stepped, he contemplated. Was he really going to just follow this stranger into the back of his store? These people clearly wanted him here for some reason. Why give them what they wanted? Unless...unless they might actually have…
"Coming?" called a voice from the back.
John was around the counter before he could stop himself.
He followed him into the back of the store, a shadowy mountain of creaking shelves, but the man in the apron was already standing by an open back door. He led him out into the bright dooryard and pointed to the long cow shed he had seen before. If he had thought that it looked too big from the road, now it seemed to stretch off towards the field for too long. It wasn't just the length either, the shed looked odd somehow. It looked like the kind of place that held secrets best left unfound, like a freakshow tent or the back room of a snake handlers' revival. John hesitated as the man took a step toward the shed, not wanting to know what lay inside.
The man looked back, cheerily, "Don't you want to see what we have for you? He's been waiting for so long."
"Who?" John asked, but the man was already walking towards the shed, and John had to step quickly to catch up.
The shed door creaked open ominously as the shopkeeper slid it to the side. He reached inside and fumbled against the wall until a loud snap signaled the lights to life. They clicked on rapidly, lighting overhead fluorescents snapping on in a quick pattern that lit the small wooden berths in the long cow shed. As they stepped inside, the man walked briskly, and John tried to follow as his curious eyes also tried to take in what lay inside each of the berths. Most were people, confused and naked as they sat in the straw, but some were full of objects or money or precious items. The worst were the shadowy stalls that held things with red eyes and furtive breaths. The huddled in the darkness and looked at him as he went past. Their eyes held no recognizable emotion except hate.
After a minute of quick walking, they came to a stop.
The man extended his hand towards a closed stall.
"This is it. Hurry up, he's waiting for you."
John was a few steps behind him, the berth next to this one holding a smashed in Mercedes. When he heard the man speak, his voice echoing in this strangely quiet place, John shivered a little. He didn't want to disturb the things here, many of which were rather disturbing on their own. John didn't want to know what might happen if they suddenly decided to leave their stalls and come out where they could get at him.
As he came up to the gate of his berth, he could see a small, naked boy of about ten who was sitting on the floor with his knees hugged up to his chest. A head of sandy blond hair was visible between those knees, and John felt his breath stick in his chest. The hair was soft, baby fine, and looked thick and recently washed. It piled artlessly on top of the small head, just as Malcomn's always had, and John felt the tears slide down his face as he remembered how it had poked out underneath his baseball cap when he pulled it down to get it out of his face.
Then the boy looked up with those too green eyes, and John saw Malcolm smile at him from the straw strewn floor.
"Daddy?"
The boy asked it as though he didn't dare quite believe it.
It was too much.
John felt his knees unhinge, and suddenly he was falling into darkness as the naked boy rose from the floor and came to peek at him through the stall door.
The last thing he saw before blacking out was those too green eyes as they bore into him.
He came awake with those eyes staring at him.
Someone had put him in a bed. The sheets were soft and the pillowy luxurious, but the blanket was like sandpaper as it lay atop him. The boy perched on his chest was digging it into him painfully, and as he woke up, the boy smiled and crawled to snuggle with him under the blanket. He wrapped his small arms around him and seemed to notice the uncomfortable fabric not at all. John felt the comfortable press of his sons as he lay beside him. How many days had he woken up just this way? Malcolm pressed between him and his wife as they slept together, his warmth comfortable against John's back as he wormed in between them. John wrapped his own arms around him and breathed in the scent of fabric softener, the off-brand shampoo his wife bought for them, and warm grass that always seemed to hang around Malcolm.
John opened his eyes.
He expected to wake up in his own bed, the dream evaporating around him, but Malcolm was still there.
The door opened then. The man from behind the counter walked in, his hard boots knocking on the wooden floor, and he smiled his too-wide smile at John.
"You're awake," he stated.
John sat up and put a protective arm around his son. The boy was dressed in a pair of overalls, a blue shirt beneath, and John saw that he was still wearing the clothes he had arrived in. The room was spartan, a bed and an end table being its only elements, and as the smiling man towered over them, John began to feel self-conscious. He slid out of bed, Malcolm still clinging to him, and faced the man.
"How is it that you came to have my son?"
The man shrugged, "The Farm knows what people want, it knows what people need. One day I was sweeping up, and there he was, just sittin there. He looked up with those big green eyes and asked where his daddy was, and I just knew that sooner or later you'd come looking."
John ruffled Malcomn's hair, "I'm glad I did. It seemed like everything lately was trying to bring me here."
"Are you hungry?" the smiling man asked suddenly, "Margarette, my wife, just about has lunch ready, and she'd be tickled pink if you'd join us."
John looked down into Malcomn's deep green eyes and smiled, "Sure, why not?"
They spent the rest of the day together. After lunch, Thomas took them down to feed day-old bread to the ducks in his little pond. Thomas, the smiling man, had finally introduced himself, and as he and his wife, a smiling plump woman of middle age, had fed them from their table, John couldn't take his eyes off Malcolm. The boy dug into the meal just as his boy always had like it might be the last he'd ever have, and when Margarette offered them each a piece of the pie, the boy's eyes lit up with excitement. How many birthdays had John seen that same expression cross his face as the cake came out? Malcolm caught John staring and smiled shyly at him as Margarette added a big scoop of ice cream to go with it.
After the ducks, Malcolm noticed a playground on the town commons. He drug John to it, a small clearing with wooden climbing courses and metal antiques that spun and bobbled, and as John sat and watched, other kids came over to play with Malcolm in that easy way that children often do. Watching Malcolm play, running during tag or jumping and loping during their games of make-believe, filled John with a curious mixture of hope and dread. He hoped this would never end, he hoped he had crashed his car on the way to the farm and that this was heaven, and that he could simply sit here and watch his boy play for the rest of his days. At the same time, he dreaded when this would all end, and his sadness would creep back in as the delusion or dream or whatever this was ended.
"It's best not to think too hard about it, pal."
John jumped. Thomas had seated himself next to him, the stretched skin on his mouth still fashioned into that rictus of a smile that, up close, seemed almost painful. Why did he smile like that if the act clearly hurt him? He tried to find his words, but in the face of that painful smile, they all seemed to muddy in his mind.
"To think about what?" he finally ejaculated.
"How he can be or how he came to be here. He is here, he's your son, and its best not to think about it."
John watched him as though he thought he might vanish if he looked away.
"We can make a place for you here." Thomas continued, "A place for you and Malcolm. You can be a part of this community and know the blessing of the Bright as we all do."
John snapped his gaze back to Thomas, "I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"
Thomas put his old worn hands on his knees and grinned, "Well, you're here now. We have to find the two of you a place here in the community."
"Why would I do that?" John asked, genuinely perplexed.
The smile turned confused, "Well, you can't leave. The two of you have to stay."
John felt himself growing angry but tried to keep it in check.
This man had given him an irreplaceable gift, and it wouldn't be good manners to shout at him.
"Are you...are you trying to tell me that we can't leave?" he asked through gritted teeth.
Thomas shrugged, "Of course not, you're free to leave at any time. But Malcolm, he is of the Bright. You can't take him away from here; it would be cruel to do so."
Malcolm ran up about that time, his smiling face flushed with exertion.
"Daddy, some of the kids want to know if we'll attend service with them this evening. Can we go? It sounds fun."
John collected Malcolm into his arms then and stood towering over the smiling Thomas.
"No, son, I think it's time we left. Your mother will never believe it when I show you to her." but just the thought of sharing Malcolm made John feel strange.
Thomas seemed unperturbed by John, "I wouldn't do that friend. It never ends well."
"Just leave us alone," John said, backing away, "all of you just...leave us alone."
He was running by the time he made the parking lot; Malcolm's familiar weight born easily.
John's car was conspicuously absent. He had thought it was some kind of illusion, the tan-colored car would appear when he got a little closer, but now he saw that even the ruts he had left in the dirt lot were gone. The car was missing, and he was left with few options for escape. He turned towards the road and saw the quaint wooden gate rising in the distance. It could have been fifty feet, it could have been fifty miles, John didn't care.
As the sunset at his back, he began to walk towards the gate.
"Daddy, don't, I feel sick," Malcolm whined.
John ignored him, clinging to him as he jogged for the gate. He could flag down a car once they made the road. This was a busy road, after all, and a passing trucker or traveler would take them back to the city. They could be home by bedtime, and Malcolm could sleep in his bed beneath the watchful eyes of his baseball poster and his Starwars ships that hung from the ceiling by fishing line.
"Daddy?" Malcolm's voice sounded hoarse.
The dirt puffed under his feet as he jogged. With every step, he expected a torch-bearing mob to rise up to block his path. They wouldn't want him to take this miracle child from them, something that should not exist, and they would fight to stop him from leaving. He would fight them. They would kill him, but he would fight them. He would die, but his last image would be of Malcolm as he…
"Stop, I feel sick, Daddy. I don't want to leave. I want to...I want to…"
Malcolm became dead in his arms as he jogged. The stile came up before him, and he hefted the child in his arms as he ran. Malcolm was heavy, his skin clammy, something like sweat or tears dampening John's shirt as he ran. He was suddenly fearful, what if they had poisoned him? What if they had done something to Malcolm so he couldn't leave?
He finally looked down at his precious son and screamed into what had once been his face.
John found he was holding something more akin to a lump of clay. In his arms like a child's approximation of a person. The arms were thick and lumpy, the body little more than a badly formed torso of androgynous humps, and the head was malformed, its eyes and mouth little more than scooped out holes, with tufts of hair shoved hastily into the muck. When it turned its face to him and spoke, the voice of Malcolm rasped out, and John felt that he must surely be going mad.
He fell to his knees, the gate within arms reach, and wept into the bulbous chest of the Malcolm thing. This was unbearable. To lose his son again, and in such a way as this, was unthinkable. He couldn't recover from this. If this really was some dream, then this would be the part where he woke up screaming into his pillow. Things like this didn't happen under the eye of a loving God. There was only so much pain that a man could take before he broke completely.
He knelt in the dirt and sobbed into the mushy chest of his twice lost son, praying for insanity.
Praying for an end to understanding.
It was dark when Thomas found him.
John didn't shudder or even acknowledge him when he put a hand on his shoulder.
He looked up to him, and in the moonlight, his smile looked ghoulish.
"Why?" John croaked, his face awash with the muddy flesh of his still croaking boy, "why?"
Thomas only shook his grinning head, "I tried to tell you, friend. The gifts of Bright Farm are only for those who have accepted the Bright. The miracles experienced here are not for the outside world. If you want to stay with Malcolm, then you have to stay near the Bright."
John turned back to the odd boy thing.
He stared at it for a long time.
"If I accept this Bright, my son will be returned to me?"
"As he was before," Thomas assured.
John looked away, and in the moonlight, his martyr's mask was ghastly with the mush of his son's chest.
"Show me."
Thomas took him by the hand.
He led John towards the chapel that lay behind the cowshed. Inside, a sun seemed to shine only for those within. As they approached, John could feel it baking him and felt the warmth fill him. He felt his fear, his anger, his sadness, and all his doubt burned from him. Someone by the wooden doors took the boy shape from him, and at that moment, he barely noticed. He had discovered something new, something old.
As the doors were opened and the baking Bright shone over him, he felt his lips pulled into a painful smile.
The Bright was all he ever needed.
The thing he wanted but never knew.
He was burned anew by the Bright, and it was good.
The van pulled up in the dirt parking lot of the little community. The ramp came down, and the sandy-haired woman rolled her wheelchair onto the metal slab. As it descended, she began looking at the gawking faces that had gathered to see her decent. She had been wheelchair-bound since the accident, but she refused to let it stop her. Even if she'd had to crawl, she wouldn't have let it stop her from finding John.
For six months, she'd recovered in the hospital alone.
For six months, he had ignored her phone calls.
When the bank had called to let her know that her mortgage hasn't been paid in six months, she was worried.
When the police called to tell her that her husband's car had been found, abandoned, on the stretch of road leading up to this place, she had been terrified.
When her friend, Lisa, had seen him at the farmers market selling quilts and homegrown vegetables, however, she had been furious.
He had abandoned their old life to go find himself in the country, leaving her in the ICU to fight for her life and worry about him as he slid into silence.
She meant to find him and make him answer for his absence.
The wheels of her chair didn't much care for the dirt paths that led up to the two-story houses that seemed to be the living quarters for this little community. The man on the phone had told her that John lived in the house closest to the playground, and as she rolled towards the playground, she felt her arms grow stiff and non-compliant. She sat in the dirt road and gawked at the perfect, sandy-haired boy that was now standing atop the play structure and laughing with the other overall-clad children.
Malcolm.
It was Malcolm.
He looked at her then, and she saw recognition dawn on his face. He jumped from the structure, landing in that way that only children and drunks seem able, and ran to her with guileless joy. He buried his face against her chest, rubbing his soft hair against her, and fixed her with those deep green eyes that had enchanted her since his birth. It was him, in the flesh, and as he hugged her, she could no more summon the strength to hug him back than she could have summoned the strength to strangle him to death.
"Mommy, mommy, I missed you."
She saw a man rise from the bench, and through his tangled beard, she could see that it was John. He was smiling, his face a rictus of pleasured pain. His mouth smiled, but as she saw his eyes, she felt a stab of pain rip through her heart. His eyes were pinched, screaming, and as he approached, he seemed to be begging her to run. He bent to hug her, melding against his son easily as the two embraced her like some lost relation who came back again.
"How...how is this possible, John?"
He smiled at her with his painful grin.
"Come to the Barn, Claire. All things can be found if you're willing to see the light."
submitted by Erutious to SignalHorrorFiction [link] [comments]


2020.07.18 04:35 Erutious Bright Farm

"And so, we commit Malcolm Tyler to the earth. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
The dirt hit the top of the child-sized coffin as it slid into its final resting place.
John just sat there, surrounded by family and friends and yet utterly alone. Malcolm had been ten, on the cusp of the age of reason, and as John looked at the picture of him, that sat amongst the flowers, he could swear it was one of his baby pictures. Malcolm had loved baseball, superheroes, Star Wars, and old video games. He had clung to his father's passions, and the two had always been close. As he watched the coffin slip into the earth, John felt the tears slide down his face. They were naked and unashamed.
The seat next to him was empty too. His wife, Claire, was still in the hospital after the accident that had taken their son. The doctors had told him that she would likely recover but that she might never walk again. They had told him this as though it were a spectacular consolation prize. "Your son will never play in the majors or even see the Star Wars movie he was so looking forward to, but you can rest assured that your now cripple wife will be home as soon as we're done milking your insurance for all its worth."
He sat there and accepted the pats, the condolences, the meaningless words that fell on him like daggers.
His son was gone, and these people were telling him how sorry they were for his loss.
They didn't know loss. They were going to climb into their vehicles, with mostly complete partners, and go back to their homes so they could hug their own children and be glad it hadn't been them who'd lost someone important. They would put the funeral announcement in a drawer by the door where they kept their keys or their change, and one day they would drag it out by mistake and think how sad it had been that such a youngster had died in the prime of his life. Then they would throw it away or put it back in the drawer if they were sentimental and probably never think about it again.
He seethed over these thoughts as he sat in the hard plastic chair which had been provided by Copeland Funeral Home.
He seethed over these people and their routine, unbroken lives until he was the only one there.
Then John got up and went home.
John sat and watched TV, eating his tv dinner without much enthusiasm. The turkey was lumpy and had only cooked in the middle. The mashed potatoes were still half-frozen, and the gravy was like liquid lava. On TV, the news anchor was talking about the Green Man murders. The latest victim, Shelly Rhodes, had been discovered in an alley. The police were looking for anyone who might have seen the perpetrators. John watched, apathetically, as he spooned the mush into his mouth. A commercial came on for Anders Tires, and he tuned it out.
Malcolm had been dead for three days, and John had done little but wallow in his misery.
The house was like a monument to better times.
He had stood in the entryway most of the afternoon after the funeral, staring at a photo of him and Malcolm at the beach. Claire had taken it after they built that sandcastle they were both hunkered over. They had been at the shore for a week, Malcolm as brown as a nut after spending six days on the beach. The castle had begun as a lopsided thing before John had gotten involved. The plastic molds Malcolm had bought at the beachside stand were shoddy things, and John had known a thing or two about sandcastle building. Together they had constructed an elegant castle, complete with drawbridge and moat. The turrets had grown out of the sand, and the flags had been leaves plucked from a nearby tree.
Claire had been laughing as she snapped the photo, and the two of them had been grinning like fools over their accomplishment.
John felt tears fall from his eyes, saw them tumble into the unappetizing mashed potatoes, and spooned them into his mouth anyway.
Malcolm's room was the worst part of the house.
The room stood at the very top of the staircase, easily viewable from the downstairs landing. John had stood in the dark last night and just looked at the doorway from the bottom step. The nightlight cast the scene in a strange Shadowverse. He could vaguely see the baseball players trapped in their glory as they hung glossing from the walls with push pins. He could see the bookshelf where John had taken the night's bedtime story. He could see the balsa wood glider where it hung from the ceiling, the broken wing mocking him. How many times had John promised to fix it? How many times had he told Malcolm that he would go buy a tube of airplane glue? How many times had he gone to the store and not done it?
He had thought he had time.
He had thought he could do it some other when.
He had been wrong.
He had slept in his recliner every night after that.
The phone rang, dragging him from his misery. The picture on the screen was that of his wife, smiling like she was the happiest woman in the world, as Malcolm grinned from her hugging arms. John felt a sob creep up his throat. He would have to change that. He answered it on the sixth ring, saying hello without much enthusiasm.
"Hi, John." His wife sounded tired. She sounded like maybe she had been crying too. She sounded like John felt; ready to just give up and join their son in his eternal rest.
John found he didn't have much of a feeling about that.
"Hi, Claire."
"You didn't come to see me today."
He didn't have an answer to that, so he said nothing.
"Are you okay, John? I'm worried about you."
John thought about the question. He was not, he decided, okay, but if he told his wife that then she would worry. He hadn't come to see her today for that reason. Not for the reason he suspected that she suspected that he blamed her for their son's death. He no more blamed Claire than he blamed the car she had totaled when a semi-truck, driven by a man who was asleep at the wheel, had crushed the car against the guard rail. He didn't blame her for that; it was an event outside of her control.
He hadn't come to see her, because she would look at him and know that something was deeply wrong with him. She would see the dark circles, the pallid skin, the dirty face cleaned only by the tears that seem to run tirelessly, and she would worry. He didn't care about any of that, not really, but if she told a doctor about these things, then John might spend the next few months as a drooling zombie while they pumped him full of dope.
John did not want to dope his pain away.
He wanted to wallow in it like a pig in filth.
"John? Are you...are you mad at me?" He could hear the tears on the verge of bursting.
"No, Kay, I'm just tired." He said, using her pet name, "I haven't slept well since," his own tears slid out now, pale tracts of moisture that always seemed on the verge of falling, "since the funeral."
"I wanted to be there for you and for him, but…"
"I know." He lied.
He knew very little that he was confident of.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay, John. I wish I were there to help you through this. I wish you were here to help me through this."
She was crying now, he could almost hear her tears as they slid against the phone.
He stared at the tv like a husk, incapable of feeling empathy for his sobbing wife.
"I know, but someone has to pay the bills; now more than ever."
That was a crock, said a voice in his brain. John had no more been to work than he'd been upstairs. Mr. Beatle had given him bereavement, and he had taken it without a fight. He had done little but sit morosely and fulfill his body's needs when they clawed against his consciousness. Feed the machine, empty the tank, sleep, rinse, repeat.
It was all very tedious.
"You sound tired, I'll let you get to sleep. Will I see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," he said, lying again, "I'll swing by after work and see how you're doing."
"I'd like that. I miss you, John, I love you."
"I love you too, Kay."
The lies came easily.
He hung up the phone and continued to wallow.
"Are you unhappy?" Asked the man on the tv. He was a tall fellow, sleek black hair, and a thin mustache that looked oily. He was wearing a butcher apron over a white shirt and smiling into the camera like he could see through John's tv screen. It was a little unsettling.
John kept watching, figuring the commercial would be over soon.
"Feeling empty? Perhaps seeking something you've lost?"
John shoveled more food into his mouth but felt his eyes locked on this greasy salesman.
"Here at Bright Farm, we pride ourselves on helping those who are lost come back into the light. Whatever your seeking, you can be sure that we have it here at Bright Farms. Our councilors are here 24/7 to,"
John lifted the remote, a job that seemed harder than it should have, and flipped over to the next channel.
"make sure the light does not escape you in your time of need."
What the hell?
It was the same commercial.
He clicked over again.
"Maybe you've recently had a crisis of faith? Suffered an event that's made you question the existence of a wide and shining God. Maybe you've lost your way, no longer feel that life is worth living,"
John has changed the channel seven times while the man was taking but found him on every channel. For some reason, the man-made him uncomfortable, and he wanted to see anything on the tube at this point. A baseball game, an old movie, a stupid sitcom, anything but this man and his smiling face. As he watched, the smile seemed to stretch under that mustache, and as he clicked the button to turn the set off, he realized that the man's eyes were fixed directly on him. The man was staring at him through the tv, and the veins in his eyes seem to pulsate as he watched.
"maybe you've even lost someone you loved. A mother, a brother,"
The eyes got very intense, and no matter how many times he hit the off button, the tv stayed on.
"A son?"
He was staring right at him now and clearly only at him.
"He's here, John. He's here, and all you have to do is come to him. What are you waiting for, John? Why are you just sitting there, John? He misses you, JOHN!" The man was screaming from the tv, and John was aware of his dinner leaking into the sweat pants he was wearing. He had upset the little plastic tray, but it hardly seemed to matter. The man on the tv was beating his fists against the glass front and yelling at John, questioning him, asking why he didn't come to his son if he missed him so damn much?
John screamed, and as he did, he came awake all at once.
The screen was snow, and he had indeed spilled his dinner.
He turned off the television, cleaned up his chair, and thought longingly about going up to bed.
It only took him a few minutes at the bottom of the stairs to return to his recliner.
He slept fitfully.
He woke up early the next morning, bright and early. This was something he seemed unable to shake from his old life. His job had expected him to arrive at eight AM every day, and his brain seemed hardwired to wake up at six am every morning. He thought about going to work, maybe a day at the office would set him right. He could sit in his office and go over accounts and feel like his usual self. He could pretend that, when the five o'clock bell rang, he could go home to his lovely wife and best buddy in their two bed, two bath home, and when he got off and drove home, he would find it just that way.
He only stood at the foot of the stairs for twenty minutes, seeing the pennants on the wall and watching the broken plane hanging suspended from the ceiling before he turned away and went to the kitchen instead.
There would be no normal life for him.
Never again.
The round cereal clinked into the bowl cheerily. The box declared that it was Space Acers, and it had been one of Malcolm's favorites. The marshmallows stood out amongst the grain circles. They were the kind of neon color that only a kid could love, the lumpy multicolor of poor craftsmanship, and lack of real care. He saw a tear fall into them as he studied them. He remembered how Malcolm had sung the jingle every time he ate them. He remembered how Malcolm could name all seven different marshmallow shapes, remembering when he'd gotten so excited over that Captain Acer decoder ring he'd found in a box last year.
He saw another tear fall into the cereal and turned to get the milk. He opened the door and scanned the pristine white glow of the refrigerator for the carton. He was momentarily worried that they were out, but suddenly, the Happy Cow's face came into view. When he picked it up, he got a nasty shock as he realized that Bright Farms Diary was printed over the head of the smiling cow. Had they always provided their milk? He was sure it had been a different company last week. He turned the carton, reading the description on the side, feeling a kind of surreal haze role over him.
It told how Bright Dairy cows were the happiest cows in the world.
It told how Bright Dairy was the leading provider of Dairy for his area.
Then he turned the carton and felt it slip out of his numb fingers. As it fell, he could clearly see the Missing Child picture on the side of the carton. The black and white photo made it hard to make out his exact features, but John would know the boy's sandy brown hair and green eyes, even in black and white. He was smiling, as he had been in the beach picture, and under the picture was the legend "Found Child: Answers to Malcolm. Misses his father. Wants to know why his father hasn't come to get him. Wants to know why his father doesn't love him."
The milk puddled on the ground as his son's face stared up at him from the floor.
He felt his tear patter into the pool as he looked down at the spilled milk.
"What do you mean you're out of milk?"
John had been to three different stores, and each of them had been out of milk. The first two had little signs taped up on their milk coolers, saying how sorry they were that they were out of milk. There had been no one to yell at there, but at the third store, he had found someone to yell at. The man in the plastic apron bore it well, clearly not his first irate customer today, and flashed his pasted on grin in the face of John's ire.
"Sorry, sir, but the company had a little trouble with their truck today. You could try another store, I suppose, but I'm guessing they're all in the same boat."
Smug prick, John thought.
He knew they were all in the same boat.
"You could always go down to Bright Farms and get the milk yourself." The man added, taking a step away as though trying to distance himself from the conversation.
John watched him go, breathing out disgustedly as he went back to the parking lot to find his car.
He guessed he was going to Bright Farms.
Bright Farms looked almost idyllic.
John had driven for almost an hour, making his way out of the hustle and bustle of the city and into the more rural areas that surrounded it. Here was the farm belt, the farms with acres of land all planted with vegetables in neat rows or with livestock happily munching grass in the fields. John saw big red barns and farmhouses with long porches, people moving about between them as they went about their daily lives. The road ran on and on, and when his GPS said he had arrived, he almost didn't believe it. The farm had seemed like such a strange place in the infomercial. Some kind of farm akin to a backwoods gospel tent where miracles happened, or at least they claimed they did.
This place looked like the place in the Hidden Valley commercials.
The road turned left onto a hard-packed dirt track. John could see fields ripe with produce, an orchard in the distance with happy pickers at work, a long pair of barns for cows or sheep maybe, and several tall wooden houses that looked almost Amish. The sign over the road read "Bright Farms" in cheery white letters. The place seemed downright peaceful, downright wholesome.
John turned his car down the road and drove towards the cluster of buildings.
There were eight two-story houses built of dark brown wood. Heavy windows looked down from the buildings, and to anyone on the ground, they looked like disapproving eyes. Among them, as though surrounded, was a squat little building with a long porch complete with rockers. A sign hung across the roof declared it to be the General Store. John thought it was as good a place as any to find some information, so he mounted the steps and went inside.
A bell tinkled overhead merrily.
The inside was a packed but orderly arrangement of everything one might need for frontier life at the turn of the century. There were long shelves stacked with sacks of beans and corn, flour and sugar, bolts of cloth and spools of thread, and an overwhelming smell of brine that led him to a huge pickle jar near the front of the store. Behind a long counter, stood a man in a butchers apron, his dark hair and small mustache looking eerily familiar, wearing the biggest smile John had ever seen. He stared intently at John, and the attention made his skin crawl.
"Morning stranger, are you here for the milk?"
"I guess," John said.
The man cocked his smiling head, "Pardon me for saying so, sir, but you don't really seem sure."
"I...I seem to be drawn here for some reason lately. I see your commercials and your products, and they seem to be calling me here."
The man cocked his head to the side and then snapped his fingers loudly, "I thought you looked familiar, your John, right?"
John jumped a little, "How do you know my name?"
"Oh, we've been waiting for you. We've been keeping something very special for you, it's in the barn. Come on."
The shopkeeper went off into the room behind the counter, beckoning as he left. John felt drawn to follow him, but as he stepped, he contemplated. Was he really going to just follow this stranger into the back of his store? These people clearly wanted him here for some reason. Why give them what they wanted? Unless...unless they might actually have…
"Coming?" called a voice from the back.
John was around the counter before he could stop himself.
He followed him into the back of the store, a shadowy mountain of creaking shelves, but the man in the apron was already standing by an open back door. He led him out into the bright dooryard and pointed to the long cow shed he had seen before. If he had thought that it looked too big from the road, now it seemed to stretch off towards the field for too long. It wasn't just the length either, the shed looked odd somehow. It looked like the kind of place that held secrets best left unfound, like a freakshow tent or the back room of a snake handlers' revival. John hesitated as the man took a step toward the shed, not wanting to know what lay inside.
The man looked back, cheerily, "Don't you want to see what we have for you? He's been waiting for so long."
"Who?" John asked, but the man was already walking towards the shed, and John had to step quickly to catch up.
The shed door creaked open ominously as the shopkeeper slid it to the side. He reached inside and fumbled against the wall until a loud snap signaled the lights to life. They clicked on rapidly, lighting overhead fluorescents snapping on in a quick pattern that lit the small wooden berths in the long cow shed. As they stepped inside, the man walked briskly, and John tried to follow as his curious eyes also tried to take in what lay inside each of the berths. Most were people, confused and naked as they sat in the straw, but some were full of objects or money or precious items. The worst were the shadowy stalls that held things with red eyes and furtive breaths. The huddled in the darkness and looked at him as he went past. Their eyes held no recognizable emotion except hate.
After a minute of quick walking, they came to a stop.
The man extended his hand towards a closed stall.
"This is it. Hurry up, he's waiting for you."
John was a few steps behind him, the berth next to this one holding a smashed in Mercedes. When he heard the man speak, his voice echoing in this strangely quiet place, John shivered a little. He didn't want to disturb the things here, many of which were rather disturbing on their own. John didn't want to know what might happen if they suddenly decided to leave their stalls and come out where they could get at him.
As he came up to the gate of his berth, he could see a small, naked boy of about ten who was sitting on the floor with his knees hugged up to his chest. A head of sandy blond hair was visible between those knees, and John felt his breath stick in his chest. The hair was soft, baby fine, and looked thick and recently washed. It piled artlessly on top of the small head, just as Malcomn's always had, and John felt the tears slide down his face as he remembered how it had poked out underneath his baseball cap when he pulled it down to get it out of his face.
Then the boy looked up with those too green eyes, and John saw Malcolm smile at him from the straw strewn floor.
"Daddy?"
The boy asked it as though he didn't dare quite believe it.
It was too much.
John felt his knees unhinge, and suddenly he was falling into darkness as the naked boy rose from the floor and came to peek at him through the stall door.
The last thing he saw before blacking out was those too green eyes as they bore into him.
He came awake with those eyes staring at him.
Someone had put him in a bed. The sheets were soft and the pillowy luxurious, but the blanket was like sandpaper as it lay atop him. The boy perched on his chest was digging it into him painfully, and as he woke up, the boy smiled and crawled to snuggle with him under the blanket. He wrapped his small arms around him and seemed to notice the uncomfortable fabric not at all. John felt the comfortable press of his sons as he lay beside him. How many days had he woken up just this way? Malcolm pressed between him and his wife as they slept together, his warmth comfortable against John's back as he wormed in between them. John wrapped his own arms around him and breathed in the scent of fabric softener, the off-brand shampoo his wife bought for them, and warm grass that always seemed to hang around Malcolm.
John opened his eyes.
He expected to wake up in his own bed, the dream evaporating around him, but Malcolm was still there.
The door opened then. The man from behind the counter walked in, his hard boots knocking on the wooden floor, and he smiled his too-wide smile at John.
"You're awake," he stated.
John sat up and put a protective arm around his son. The boy was dressed in a pair of overalls, a blue shirt beneath, and John saw that he was still wearing the clothes he had arrived in. The room was spartan, a bed and an end table being its only elements, and as the smiling man towered over them, John began to feel self-conscious. He slid out of bed, Malcolm still clinging to him, and faced the man.
"How is it that you came to have my son?"
The man shrugged, "The Farm knows what people want, it knows what people need. One day I was sweeping up, and there he was, just sittin there. He looked up with those big green eyes and asked where his daddy was, and I just knew that sooner or later you'd come looking."
John ruffled Malcomn's hair, "I'm glad I did. It seemed like everything lately was trying to bring me here."
"Are you hungry?" the smiling man asked suddenly, "Margarette, my wife, just about has lunch ready, and she'd be tickled pink if you'd join us."
John looked down into Malcomn's deep green eyes and smiled, "Sure, why not?"
They spent the rest of the day together. After lunch, Thomas took them down to feed day-old bread to the ducks in his little pond. Thomas, the smiling man, had finally introduced himself, and as he and his wife, a smiling plump woman of middle age, had fed them from their table, John couldn't take his eyes off Malcolm. The boy dug into the meal just as his boy always had like it might be the last he'd ever have, and when Margarette offered them each a piece of the pie, the boy's eyes lit up with excitement. How many birthdays had John seen that same expression cross his face as the cake came out? Malcolm caught John staring and smiled shyly at him as Margarette added a big scoop of ice cream to go with it.
After the ducks, Malcolm noticed a playground on the town commons. He drug John to it, a small clearing with wooden climbing courses and metal antiques that spun and bobbled, and as John sat and watched, other kids came over to play with Malcolm in that easy way that children often do. Watching Malcolm play, running during tag or jumping and loping during their games of make-believe, filled John with a curious mixture of hope and dread. He hoped this would never end, he hoped he had crashed his car on the way to the farm and that this was heaven, and that he could simply sit here and watch his boy play for the rest of his days. At the same time, he dreaded when this would all end, and his sadness would creep back in as the delusion or dream or whatever this was ended.
"It's best not to think too hard about it, pal."
John jumped. Thomas had seated himself next to him, the stretched skin on his mouth still fashioned into that rictus of a smile that, up close, seemed almost painful. Why did he smile like that if the act clearly hurt him? He tried to find his words, but in the face of that painful smile, they all seemed to muddy in his mind.
"To think about what?" he finally ejaculated.
"How he can be or how he came to be here. He is here, he's your son, and its best not to think about it."
John watched him as though he thought he might vanish if he looked away.
"We can make a place for you here." Thomas continued, "A place for you and Malcolm. You can be a part of this community and know the blessing of the Bright as we all do."
John snapped his gaze back to Thomas, "I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"
Thomas put his old worn hands on his knees and grinned, "Well, you're here now. We have to find the two of you a place here in the community."
"Why would I do that?" John asked, genuinely perplexed.
The smile turned confused, "Well, you can't leave. The two of you have to stay."
John felt himself growing angry but tried to keep it in check.
This man had given him an irreplaceable gift, and it wouldn't be good manners to shout at him.
"Are you...are you trying to tell me that we can't leave?" he asked through gritted teeth.
Thomas shrugged, "Of course not, you're free to leave at any time. But Malcolm, he is of the Bright. You can't take him away from here; it would be cruel to do so."
Malcolm ran up about that time, his smiling face flushed with exertion.
"Daddy, some of the kids want to know if we'll attend service with them this evening. Can we go? It sounds fun."
John collected Malcolm into his arms then and stood towering over the smiling Thomas.
"No, son, I think it's time we left. Your mother will never believe it when I show you to her." but just the thought of sharing Malcolm made John feel strange.
Thomas seemed unperturbed by John, "I wouldn't do that friend. It never ends well."
"Just leave us alone," John said, backing away, "all of you just...leave us alone."
He was running by the time he made the parking lot; Malcolm's familiar weight born easily.
John's car was conspicuously absent. He had thought it was some kind of illusion, the tan-colored car would appear when he got a little closer, but now he saw that even the ruts he had left in the dirt lot were gone. The car was missing, and he was left with few options for escape. He turned towards the road and saw the quaint wooden gate rising in the distance. It could have been fifty feet, it could have been fifty miles, John didn't care.
As the sunset at his back, he began to walk towards the gate.
"Daddy, don't, I feel sick," Malcolm whined.
John ignored him, clinging to him as he jogged for the gate. He could flag down a car once they made the road. This was a busy road, after all, and a passing trucker or traveler would take them back to the city. They could be home by bedtime, and Malcolm could sleep in his bed beneath the watchful eyes of his baseball poster and his Starwars ships that hung from the ceiling by fishing line.
"Daddy?" Malcolm's voice sounded hoarse.
The dirt puffed under his feet as he jogged. With every step, he expected a torch-bearing mob to rise up to block his path. They wouldn't want him to take this miracle child from them, something that should not exist, and they would fight to stop him from leaving. He would fight them. They would kill him, but he would fight them. He would die, but his last image would be of Malcolm as he…
"Stop, I feel sick, Daddy. I don't want to leave. I want to...I want to…"
Malcolm became dead in his arms as he jogged. The stile came up before him, and he hefted the child in his arms as he ran. Malcolm was heavy, his skin clammy, something like sweat or tears dampening John's shirt as he ran. He was suddenly fearful, what if they had poisoned him? What if they had done something to Malcolm so he couldn't leave?
He finally looked down at his precious son and screamed into what had once been his face.
John found he was holding something more akin to a lump of clay. In his arms like a child's approximation of a person. The arms were thick and lumpy, the body little more than a badly formed torso of androgynous humps, and the head was malformed, its eyes and mouth little more than scooped out holes, with tufts of hair shoved hastily into the muck. When it turned its face to him and spoke, the voice of Malcolm rasped out, and John felt that he must surely be going mad.
He fell to his knees, the gate within arms reach, and wept into the bulbous chest of the Malcolm thing. This was unbearable. To lose his son again, and in such a way as this, was unthinkable. He couldn't recover from this. If this really was some dream, then this would be the part where he woke up screaming into his pillow. Things like this didn't happen under the eye of a loving God. There was only so much pain that a man could take before he broke completely.
He knelt in the dirt and sobbed into the mushy chest of his twice lost son, praying for insanity.
Praying for an end to understanding.
It was dark when Thomas found him.
John didn't shudder or even acknowledge him when he put a hand on his shoulder.
He looked up to him, and in the moonlight, his smile looked ghoulish.
"Why?" John croaked, his face awash with the muddy flesh of his still croaking boy, "why?"
Thomas only shook his grinning head, "I tried to tell you, friend. The gifts of Bright Farm are only for those who have accepted the Bright. The miracles experienced here are not for the outside world. If you want to stay with Malcolm, then you have to stay near the Bright."
John turned back to the odd boy thing.
He stared at it for a long time.
"If I accept this Bright, my son will be returned to me?"
"As he was before," Thomas assured.
John looked away, and in the moonlight, his martyr's mask was ghastly with the mush of his son's chest.
"Show me."
Thomas took him by the hand.
He led John towards the chapel that lay behind the cowshed. Inside, a sun seemed to shine only for those within. As they approached, John could feel it baking him and felt the warmth fill him. He felt his fear, his anger, his sadness, and all his doubt burned from him. Someone by the wooden doors took the boy shape from him, and at that moment, he barely noticed. He had discovered something new, something old.
As the doors were opened and the baking Bright shone over him, he felt his lips pulled into a painful smile.
The Bright was all he ever needed.
The thing he wanted but never knew.
He was burned anew by the Bright, and it was good.
The van pulled up in the dirt parking lot of the little community. The ramp came down, and the sandy-haired woman rolled her wheelchair onto the metal slab. As it descended, she began looking at the gawking faces that had gathered to see her decent. She had been wheelchair-bound since the accident, but she refused to let it stop her. Even if she'd had to crawl, she wouldn't have let it stop her from finding John.
For six months, she'd recovered in the hospital alone.
For six months, he had ignored her phone calls.
When the bank had called to let her know that her mortgage hasn't been paid in six months, she was worried.
When the police called to tell her that her husband's car had been found, abandoned, on the stretch of road leading up to this place, she had been terrified.
When her friend, Lisa, had seen him at the farmers market selling quilts and homegrown vegetables, however, she had been furious.
He had abandoned their old life to go find himself in the country, leaving her in the ICU to fight for her life and worry about him as he slid into silence.
She meant to find him and make him answer for his absence.
The wheels of her chair didn't much care for the dirt paths that led up to the two-story houses that seemed to be the living quarters for this little community. The man on the phone had told her that John lived in the house closest to the playground, and as she rolled towards the playground, she felt her arms grow stiff and non-compliant. She sat in the dirt road and gawked at the perfect, sandy-haired boy that was now standing atop the play structure and laughing with the other overall-clad children.
Malcolm.
It was Malcolm.
He looked at her then, and she saw recognition dawn on his face. He jumped from the structure, landing in that way that only children and drunks seem able, and ran to her with guileless joy. He buried his face against her chest, rubbing his soft hair against her, and fixed her with those deep green eyes that had enchanted her since his birth. It was him, in the flesh, and as he hugged her, she could no more summon the strength to hug him back than she could have summoned the strength to strangle him to death.
"Mommy, mommy, I missed you."
She saw a man rise from the bench, and through his tangled beard, she could see that it was John. He was smiling, his face a rictus of pleasured pain. His mouth smiled, but as she saw his eyes, she felt a stab of pain rip through her heart. His eyes were pinched, screaming, and as he approached, he seemed to be begging her to run. He bent to hug her, melding against his son easily as the two embraced her like some lost relation who came back again.
"How...how is this possible, John?"
He smiled at her with his painful grin.
"Come to the Barn, Claire. All things can be found if you're willing to see the light."
submitted by Erutious to libraryofshadows [link] [comments]


2020.07.18 04:34 Erutious Bright Farm

"And so, we commit Malcolm Tyler to the earth. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
The dirt hit the top of the child-sized coffin as it slid into its final resting place.
John just sat there, surrounded by family and friends and yet utterly alone. Malcolm had been ten, on the cusp of the age of reason, and as John looked at the picture of him, that sat amongst the flowers, he could swear it was one of his baby pictures. Malcolm had loved baseball, superheroes, Star Wars, and old video games. He had clung to his father's passions, and the two had always been close. As he watched the coffin slip into the earth, John felt the tears slide down his face. They were naked and unashamed.
The seat next to him was empty too. His wife, Claire, was still in the hospital after the accident that had taken their son. The doctors had told him that she would likely recover but that she might never walk again. They had told him this as though it were a spectacular consolation prize. "Your son will never play in the majors or even see the Star Wars movie he was so looking forward to, but you can rest assured that your now cripple wife will be home as soon as we're done milking your insurance for all its worth."
He sat there and accepted the pats, the condolences, the meaningless words that fell on him like daggers.
His son was gone, and these people were telling him how sorry they were for his loss.
They didn't know loss. They were going to climb into their vehicles, with mostly complete partners, and go back to their homes so they could hug their own children and be glad it hadn't been them who'd lost someone important. They would put the funeral announcement in a drawer by the door where they kept their keys or their change, and one day they would drag it out by mistake and think how sad it had been that such a youngster had died in the prime of his life. Then they would throw it away or put it back in the drawer if they were sentimental and probably never think about it again.
He seethed over these thoughts as he sat in the hard plastic chair which had been provided by Copeland Funeral Home.
He seethed over these people and their routine, unbroken lives until he was the only one there.
Then John got up and went home.
John sat and watched TV, eating his tv dinner without much enthusiasm. The turkey was lumpy and had only cooked in the middle. The mashed potatoes were still half-frozen, and the gravy was like liquid lava. On TV, the news anchor was talking about the Green Man murders. The latest victim, Shelly Rhodes, had been discovered in an alley. The police were looking for anyone who might have seen the perpetrators. John watched, apathetically, as he spooned the mush into his mouth. A commercial came on for Anders Tires, and he tuned it out.
Malcolm had been dead for three days, and John had done little but wallow in his misery.
The house was like a monument to better times.
He had stood in the entryway most of the afternoon after the funeral, staring at a photo of him and Malcolm at the beach. Claire had taken it after they built that sandcastle they were both hunkered over. They had been at the shore for a week, Malcolm as brown as a nut after spending six days on the beach. The castle had begun as a lopsided thing before John had gotten involved. The plastic molds Malcolm had bought at the beachside stand were shoddy things, and John had known a thing or two about sandcastle building. Together they had constructed an elegant castle, complete with drawbridge and moat. The turrets had grown out of the sand, and the flags had been leaves plucked from a nearby tree.
Claire had been laughing as she snapped the photo, and the two of them had been grinning like fools over their accomplishment.
John felt tears fall from his eyes, saw them tumble into the unappetizing mashed potatoes, and spooned them into his mouth anyway.
Malcolm's room was the worst part of the house.
The room stood at the very top of the staircase, easily viewable from the downstairs landing. John had stood in the dark last night and just looked at the doorway from the bottom step. The nightlight cast the scene in a strange Shadowverse. He could vaguely see the baseball players trapped in their glory as they hung glossing from the walls with push pins. He could see the bookshelf where John had taken the night's bedtime story. He could see the balsa wood glider where it hung from the ceiling, the broken wing mocking him. How many times had John promised to fix it? How many times had he told Malcolm that he would go buy a tube of airplane glue? How many times had he gone to the store and not done it?
He had thought he had time.
He had thought he could do it some other when.
He had been wrong.
He had slept in his recliner every night after that.
The phone rang, dragging him from his misery. The picture on the screen was that of his wife, smiling like she was the happiest woman in the world, as Malcolm grinned from her hugging arms. John felt a sob creep up his throat. He would have to change that. He answered it on the sixth ring, saying hello without much enthusiasm.
"Hi, John." His wife sounded tired. She sounded like maybe she had been crying too. She sounded like John felt; ready to just give up and join their son in his eternal rest.
John found he didn't have much of a feeling about that.
"Hi, Claire."
"You didn't come to see me today."
He didn't have an answer to that, so he said nothing.
"Are you okay, John? I'm worried about you."
John thought about the question. He was not, he decided, okay, but if he told his wife that then she would worry. He hadn't come to see her today for that reason. Not for the reason he suspected that she suspected that he blamed her for their son's death. He no more blamed Claire than he blamed the car she had totaled when a semi-truck, driven by a man who was asleep at the wheel, had crushed the car against the guard rail. He didn't blame her for that; it was an event outside of her control.
He hadn't come to see her, because she would look at him and know that something was deeply wrong with him. She would see the dark circles, the pallid skin, the dirty face cleaned only by the tears that seem to run tirelessly, and she would worry. He didn't care about any of that, not really, but if she told a doctor about these things, then John might spend the next few months as a drooling zombie while they pumped him full of dope.
John did not want to dope his pain away.
He wanted to wallow in it like a pig in filth.
"John? Are you...are you mad at me?" He could hear the tears on the verge of bursting.
"No, Kay, I'm just tired." He said, using her pet name, "I haven't slept well since," his own tears slid out now, pale tracts of moisture that always seemed on the verge of falling, "since the funeral."
"I wanted to be there for you and for him, but…"
"I know." He lied.
He knew very little that he was confident of.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay, John. I wish I were there to help you through this. I wish you were here to help me through this."
She was crying now, he could almost hear her tears as they slid against the phone.
He stared at the tv like a husk, incapable of feeling empathy for his sobbing wife.
"I know, but someone has to pay the bills; now more than ever."
That was a crock, said a voice in his brain. John had no more been to work than he'd been upstairs. Mr. Beatle had given him bereavement, and he had taken it without a fight. He had done little but sit morosely and fulfill his body's needs when they clawed against his consciousness. Feed the machine, empty the tank, sleep, rinse, repeat.
It was all very tedious.
"You sound tired, I'll let you get to sleep. Will I see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," he said, lying again, "I'll swing by after work and see how you're doing."
"I'd like that. I miss you, John, I love you."
"I love you too, Kay."
The lies came easily.
He hung up the phone and continued to wallow.
"Are you unhappy?" Asked the man on the tv. He was a tall fellow, sleek black hair, and a thin mustache that looked oily. He was wearing a butcher apron over a white shirt and smiling into the camera like he could see through John's tv screen. It was a little unsettling.
John kept watching, figuring the commercial would be over soon.
"Feeling empty? Perhaps seeking something you've lost?"
John shoveled more food into his mouth but felt his eyes locked on this greasy salesman.
"Here at Bright Farm, we pride ourselves on helping those who are lost come back into the light. Whatever your seeking, you can be sure that we have it here at Bright Farms. Our councilors are here 24/7 to,"
John lifted the remote, a job that seemed harder than it should have, and flipped over to the next channel.
"make sure the light does not escape you in your time of need."
What the hell?
It was the same commercial.
He clicked over again.
"Maybe you've recently had a crisis of faith? Suffered an event that's made you question the existence of a wide and shining God. Maybe you've lost your way, no longer feel that life is worth living,"
John has changed the channel seven times while the man was taking but found him on every channel. For some reason, the man-made him uncomfortable, and he wanted to see anything on the tube at this point. A baseball game, an old movie, a stupid sitcom, anything but this man and his smiling face. As he watched, the smile seemed to stretch under that mustache, and as he clicked the button to turn the set off, he realized that the man's eyes were fixed directly on him. The man was staring at him through the tv, and the veins in his eyes seem to pulsate as he watched.
"maybe you've even lost someone you loved. A mother, a brother,"
The eyes got very intense, and no matter how many times he hit the off button, the tv stayed on.
"A son?"
He was staring right at him now and clearly only at him.
"He's here, John. He's here, and all you have to do is come to him. What are you waiting for, John? Why are you just sitting there, John? He misses you, JOHN!" The man was screaming from the tv, and John was aware of his dinner leaking into the sweat pants he was wearing. He had upset the little plastic tray, but it hardly seemed to matter. The man on the tv was beating his fists against the glass front and yelling at John, questioning him, asking why he didn't come to his son if he missed him so damn much?
John screamed, and as he did, he came awake all at once.
The screen was snow, and he had indeed spilled his dinner.
He turned off the television, cleaned up his chair, and thought longingly about going up to bed.
It only took him a few minutes at the bottom of the stairs to return to his recliner.
He slept fitfully.
He woke up early the next morning, bright and early. This was something he seemed unable to shake from his old life. His job had expected him to arrive at eight AM every day, and his brain seemed hardwired to wake up at six am every morning. He thought about going to work, maybe a day at the office would set him right. He could sit in his office and go over accounts and feel like his usual self. He could pretend that, when the five o'clock bell rang, he could go home to his lovely wife and best buddy in their two bed, two bath home, and when he got off and drove home, he would find it just that way.
He only stood at the foot of the stairs for twenty minutes, seeing the pennants on the wall and watching the broken plane hanging suspended from the ceiling before he turned away and went to the kitchen instead.
There would be no normal life for him.
Never again.
The round cereal clinked into the bowl cheerily. The box declared that it was Space Acers, and it had been one of Malcolm's favorites. The marshmallows stood out amongst the grain circles. They were the kind of neon color that only a kid could love, the lumpy multicolor of poor craftsmanship, and lack of real care. He saw a tear fall into them as he studied them. He remembered how Malcolm had sung the jingle every time he ate them. He remembered how Malcolm could name all seven different marshmallow shapes, remembering when he'd gotten so excited over that Captain Acer decoder ring he'd found in a box last year.
He saw another tear fall into the cereal and turned to get the milk. He opened the door and scanned the pristine white glow of the refrigerator for the carton. He was momentarily worried that they were out, but suddenly, the Happy Cow's face came into view. When he picked it up, he got a nasty shock as he realized that Bright Farms Diary was printed over the head of the smiling cow. Had they always provided their milk? He was sure it had been a different company last week. He turned the carton, reading the description on the side, feeling a kind of surreal haze role over him.
It told how Bright Dairy cows were the happiest cows in the world.
It told how Bright Dairy was the leading provider of Dairy for his area.
Then he turned the carton and felt it slip out of his numb fingers. As it fell, he could clearly see the Missing Child picture on the side of the carton. The black and white photo made it hard to make out his exact features, but John would know the boy's sandy brown hair and green eyes, even in black and white. He was smiling, as he had been in the beach picture, and under the picture was the legend "Found Child: Answers to Malcolm. Misses his father. Wants to know why his father hasn't come to get him. Wants to know why his father doesn't love him."
The milk puddled on the ground as his son's face stared up at him from the floor.
He felt his tear patter into the pool as he looked down at the spilled milk.
"What do you mean you're out of milk?"
John had been to three different stores, and each of them had been out of milk. The first two had little signs taped up on their milk coolers, saying how sorry they were that they were out of milk. There had been no one to yell at there, but at the third store, he had found someone to yell at. The man in the plastic apron bore it well, clearly not his first irate customer today, and flashed his pasted on grin in the face of John's ire.
"Sorry, sir, but the company had a little trouble with their truck today. You could try another store, I suppose, but I'm guessing they're all in the same boat."
Smug prick, John thought.
He knew they were all in the same boat.
"You could always go down to Bright Farms and get the milk yourself." The man added, taking a step away as though trying to distance himself from the conversation.
John watched him go, breathing out disgustedly as he went back to the parking lot to find his car.
He guessed he was going to Bright Farms.
Bright Farms looked almost idyllic.
John had driven for almost an hour, making his way out of the hustle and bustle of the city and into the more rural areas that surrounded it. Here was the farm belt, the farms with acres of land all planted with vegetables in neat rows or with livestock happily munching grass in the fields. John saw big red barns and farmhouses with long porches, people moving about between them as they went about their daily lives. The road ran on and on, and when his GPS said he had arrived, he almost didn't believe it. The farm had seemed like such a strange place in the infomercial. Some kind of farm akin to a backwoods gospel tent where miracles happened, or at least they claimed they did.
This place looked like the place in the Hidden Valley commercials.
The road turned left onto a hard-packed dirt track. John could see fields ripe with produce, an orchard in the distance with happy pickers at work, a long pair of barns for cows or sheep maybe, and several tall wooden houses that looked almost Amish. The sign over the road read "Bright Farms" in cheery white letters. The place seemed downright peaceful, downright wholesome.
John turned his car down the road and drove towards the cluster of buildings.
There were eight two-story houses built of dark brown wood. Heavy windows looked down from the buildings, and to anyone on the ground, they looked like disapproving eyes. Among them, as though surrounded, was a squat little building with a long porch complete with rockers. A sign hung across the roof declared it to be the General Store. John thought it was as good a place as any to find some information, so he mounted the steps and went inside.
A bell tinkled overhead merrily.
The inside was a packed but orderly arrangement of everything one might need for frontier life at the turn of the century. There were long shelves stacked with sacks of beans and corn, flour and sugar, bolts of cloth and spools of thread, and an overwhelming smell of brine that led him to a huge pickle jar near the front of the store. Behind a long counter, stood a man in a butchers apron, his dark hair and small mustache looking eerily familiar, wearing the biggest smile John had ever seen. He stared intently at John, and the attention made his skin crawl.
"Morning stranger, are you here for the milk?"
"I guess," John said.
The man cocked his smiling head, "Pardon me for saying so, sir, but you don't really seem sure."
"I...I seem to be drawn here for some reason lately. I see your commercials and your products, and they seem to be calling me here."
The man cocked his head to the side and then snapped his fingers loudly, "I thought you looked familiar, your John, right?"
John jumped a little, "How do you know my name?"
"Oh, we've been waiting for you. We've been keeping something very special for you, it's in the barn. Come on."
The shopkeeper went off into the room behind the counter, beckoning as he left. John felt drawn to follow him, but as he stepped, he contemplated. Was he really going to just follow this stranger into the back of his store? These people clearly wanted him here for some reason. Why give them what they wanted? Unless...unless they might actually have…
"Coming?" called a voice from the back.
John was around the counter before he could stop himself.
He followed him into the back of the store, a shadowy mountain of creaking shelves, but the man in the apron was already standing by an open back door. He led him out into the bright dooryard and pointed to the long cow shed he had seen before. If he had thought that it looked too big from the road, now it seemed to stretch off towards the field for too long. It wasn't just the length either, the shed looked odd somehow. It looked like the kind of place that held secrets best left unfound, like a freakshow tent or the back room of a snake handlers' revival. John hesitated as the man took a step toward the shed, not wanting to know what lay inside.
The man looked back, cheerily, "Don't you want to see what we have for you? He's been waiting for so long."
"Who?" John asked, but the man was already walking towards the shed, and John had to step quickly to catch up.
The shed door creaked open ominously as the shopkeeper slid it to the side. He reached inside and fumbled against the wall until a loud snap signaled the lights to life. They clicked on rapidly, lighting overhead fluorescents snapping on in a quick pattern that lit the small wooden berths in the long cow shed. As they stepped inside, the man walked briskly, and John tried to follow as his curious eyes also tried to take in what lay inside each of the berths. Most were people, confused and naked as they sat in the straw, but some were full of objects or money or precious items. The worst were the shadowy stalls that held things with red eyes and furtive breaths. The huddled in the darkness and looked at him as he went past. Their eyes held no recognizable emotion except hate.
After a minute of quick walking, they came to a stop.
The man extended his hand towards a closed stall.
"This is it. Hurry up, he's waiting for you."
John was a few steps behind him, the berth next to this one holding a smashed in Mercedes. When he heard the man speak, his voice echoing in this strangely quiet place, John shivered a little. He didn't want to disturb the things here, many of which were rather disturbing on their own. John didn't want to know what might happen if they suddenly decided to leave their stalls and come out where they could get at him.
As he came up to the gate of his berth, he could see a small, naked boy of about ten who was sitting on the floor with his knees hugged up to his chest. A head of sandy blond hair was visible between those knees, and John felt his breath stick in his chest. The hair was soft, baby fine, and looked thick and recently washed. It piled artlessly on top of the small head, just as Malcomn's always had, and John felt the tears slide down his face as he remembered how it had poked out underneath his baseball cap when he pulled it down to get it out of his face.
Then the boy looked up with those too green eyes, and John saw Malcolm smile at him from the straw strewn floor.
"Daddy?"
The boy asked it as though he didn't dare quite believe it.
It was too much.
John felt his knees unhinge, and suddenly he was falling into darkness as the naked boy rose from the floor and came to peek at him through the stall door.
The last thing he saw before blacking out was those too green eyes as they bore into him.
He came awake with those eyes staring at him.
Someone had put him in a bed. The sheets were soft and the pillowy luxurious, but the blanket was like sandpaper as it lay atop him. The boy perched on his chest was digging it into him painfully, and as he woke up, the boy smiled and crawled to snuggle with him under the blanket. He wrapped his small arms around him and seemed to notice the uncomfortable fabric not at all. John felt the comfortable press of his sons as he lay beside him. How many days had he woken up just this way? Malcolm pressed between him and his wife as they slept together, his warmth comfortable against John's back as he wormed in between them. John wrapped his own arms around him and breathed in the scent of fabric softener, the off-brand shampoo his wife bought for them, and warm grass that always seemed to hang around Malcolm.
John opened his eyes.
He expected to wake up in his own bed, the dream evaporating around him, but Malcolm was still there.
The door opened then. The man from behind the counter walked in, his hard boots knocking on the wooden floor, and he smiled his too-wide smile at John.
"You're awake," he stated.
John sat up and put a protective arm around his son. The boy was dressed in a pair of overalls, a blue shirt beneath, and John saw that he was still wearing the clothes he had arrived in. The room was spartan, a bed and an end table being its only elements, and as the smiling man towered over them, John began to feel self-conscious. He slid out of bed, Malcolm still clinging to him, and faced the man.
"How is it that you came to have my son?"
The man shrugged, "The Farm knows what people want, it knows what people need. One day I was sweeping up, and there he was, just sittin there. He looked up with those big green eyes and asked where his daddy was, and I just knew that sooner or later you'd come looking."
John ruffled Malcomn's hair, "I'm glad I did. It seemed like everything lately was trying to bring me here."
"Are you hungry?" the smiling man asked suddenly, "Margarette, my wife, just about has lunch ready, and she'd be tickled pink if you'd join us."
John looked down into Malcomn's deep green eyes and smiled, "Sure, why not?"
They spent the rest of the day together. After lunch, Thomas took them down to feed day-old bread to the ducks in his little pond. Thomas, the smiling man, had finally introduced himself, and as he and his wife, a smiling plump woman of middle age, had fed them from their table, John couldn't take his eyes off Malcolm. The boy dug into the meal just as his boy always had like it might be the last he'd ever have, and when Margarette offered them each a piece of the pie, the boy's eyes lit up with excitement. How many birthdays had John seen that same expression cross his face as the cake came out? Malcolm caught John staring and smiled shyly at him as Margarette added a big scoop of ice cream to go with it.
After the ducks, Malcolm noticed a playground on the town commons. He drug John to it, a small clearing with wooden climbing courses and metal antiques that spun and bobbled, and as John sat and watched, other kids came over to play with Malcolm in that easy way that children often do. Watching Malcolm play, running during tag or jumping and loping during their games of make-believe, filled John with a curious mixture of hope and dread. He hoped this would never end, he hoped he had crashed his car on the way to the farm and that this was heaven, and that he could simply sit here and watch his boy play for the rest of his days. At the same time, he dreaded when this would all end, and his sadness would creep back in as the delusion or dream or whatever this was ended.
"It's best not to think too hard about it, pal."
John jumped. Thomas had seated himself next to him, the stretched skin on his mouth still fashioned into that rictus of a smile that, up close, seemed almost painful. Why did he smile like that if the act clearly hurt him? He tried to find his words, but in the face of that painful smile, they all seemed to muddy in his mind.
"To think about what?" he finally ejaculated.
"How he can be or how he came to be here. He is here, he's your son, and its best not to think about it."
John watched him as though he thought he might vanish if he looked away.
"We can make a place for you here." Thomas continued, "A place for you and Malcolm. You can be a part of this community and know the blessing of the Bright as we all do."
John snapped his gaze back to Thomas, "I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"
Thomas put his old worn hands on his knees and grinned, "Well, you're here now. We have to find the two of you a place here in the community."
"Why would I do that?" John asked, genuinely perplexed.
The smile turned confused, "Well, you can't leave. The two of you have to stay."
John felt himself growing angry but tried to keep it in check.
This man had given him an irreplaceable gift, and it wouldn't be good manners to shout at him.
"Are you...are you trying to tell me that we can't leave?" he asked through gritted teeth.
Thomas shrugged, "Of course not, you're free to leave at any time. But Malcolm, he is of the Bright. You can't take him away from here; it would be cruel to do so."
Malcolm ran up about that time, his smiling face flushed with exertion.
"Daddy, some of the kids want to know if we'll attend service with them this evening. Can we go? It sounds fun."
John collected Malcolm into his arms then and stood towering over the smiling Thomas.
"No, son, I think it's time we left. Your mother will never believe it when I show you to her." but just the thought of sharing Malcolm made John feel strange.
Thomas seemed unperturbed by John, "I wouldn't do that friend. It never ends well."
"Just leave us alone," John said, backing away, "all of you just...leave us alone."
He was running by the time he made the parking lot; Malcolm's familiar weight born easily.
John's car was conspicuously absent. He had thought it was some kind of illusion, the tan-colored car would appear when he got a little closer, but now he saw that even the ruts he had left in the dirt lot were gone. The car was missing, and he was left with few options for escape. He turned towards the road and saw the quaint wooden gate rising in the distance. It could have been fifty feet, it could have been fifty miles, John didn't care.
As the sunset at his back, he began to walk towards the gate.
"Daddy, don't, I feel sick," Malcolm whined.
John ignored him, clinging to him as he jogged for the gate. He could flag down a car once they made the road. This was a busy road, after all, and a passing trucker or traveler would take them back to the city. They could be home by bedtime, and Malcolm could sleep in his bed beneath the watchful eyes of his baseball poster and his Starwars ships that hung from the ceiling by fishing line.
"Daddy?" Malcolm's voice sounded hoarse.
The dirt puffed under his feet as he jogged. With every step, he expected a torch-bearing mob to rise up to block his path. They wouldn't want him to take this miracle child from them, something that should not exist, and they would fight to stop him from leaving. He would fight them. They would kill him, but he would fight them. He would die, but his last image would be of Malcolm as he…
"Stop, I feel sick, Daddy. I don't want to leave. I want to...I want to…"
Malcolm became dead in his arms as he jogged. The stile came up before him, and he hefted the child in his arms as he ran. Malcolm was heavy, his skin clammy, something like sweat or tears dampening John's shirt as he ran. He was suddenly fearful, what if they had poisoned him? What if they had done something to Malcolm so he couldn't leave?
He finally looked down at his precious son and screamed into what had once been his face.
John found he was holding something more akin to a lump of clay. In his arms like a child's approximation of a person. The arms were thick and lumpy, the body little more than a badly formed torso of androgynous humps, and the head was malformed, its eyes and mouth little more than scooped out holes, with tufts of hair shoved hastily into the muck. When it turned its face to him and spoke, the voice of Malcolm rasped out, and John felt that he must surely be going mad.
He fell to his knees, the gate within arms reach, and wept into the bulbous chest of the Malcolm thing. This was unbearable. To lose his son again, and in such a way as this, was unthinkable. He couldn't recover from this. If this really was some dream, then this would be the part where he woke up screaming into his pillow. Things like this didn't happen under the eye of a loving God. There was only so much pain that a man could take before he broke completely.
He knelt in the dirt and sobbed into the mushy chest of his twice lost son, praying for insanity.
Praying for an end to understanding.
It was dark when Thomas found him.
John didn't shudder or even acknowledge him when he put a hand on his shoulder.
He looked up to him, and in the moonlight, his smile looked ghoulish.
"Why?" John croaked, his face awash with the muddy flesh of his still croaking boy, "why?"
Thomas only shook his grinning head, "I tried to tell you, friend. The gifts of Bright Farm are only for those who have accepted the Bright. The miracles experienced here are not for the outside world. If you want to stay with Malcolm, then you have to stay near the Bright."
John turned back to the odd boy thing.
He stared at it for a long time.
"If I accept this Bright, my son will be returned to me?"
"As he was before," Thomas assured.
John looked away, and in the moonlight, his martyr's mask was ghastly with the mush of his son's chest.
"Show me."
Thomas took him by the hand.
He led John towards the chapel that lay behind the cowshed. Inside, a sun seemed to shine only for those within. As they approached, John could feel it baking him and felt the warmth fill him. He felt his fear, his anger, his sadness, and all his doubt burned from him. Someone by the wooden doors took the boy shape from him, and at that moment, he barely noticed. He had discovered something new, something old.
As the doors were opened and the baking Bright shone over him, he felt his lips pulled into a painful smile.
The Bright was all he ever needed.
The thing he wanted but never knew.
He was burned anew by the Bright, and it was good.
The van pulled up in the dirt parking lot of the little community. The ramp came down, and the sandy-haired woman rolled her wheelchair onto the metal slab. As it descended, she began looking at the gawking faces that had gathered to see her decent. She had been wheelchair-bound since the accident, but she refused to let it stop her. Even if she'd had to crawl, she wouldn't have let it stop her from finding John.
For six months, she'd recovered in the hospital alone.
For six months, he had ignored her phone calls.
When the bank had called to let her know that her mortgage hasn't been paid in six months, she was worried.
When the police called to tell her that her husband's car had been found, abandoned, on the stretch of road leading up to this place, she had been terrified.
When her friend, Lisa, had seen him at the farmers market selling quilts and homegrown vegetables, however, she had been furious.
He had abandoned their old life to go find himself in the country, leaving her in the ICU to fight for her life and worry about him as he slid into silence.
She meant to find him and make him answer for his absence.
The wheels of her chair didn't much care for the dirt paths that led up to the two-story houses that seemed to be the living quarters for this little community. The man on the phone had told her that John lived in the house closest to the playground, and as she rolled towards the playground, she felt her arms grow stiff and non-compliant. She sat in the dirt road and gawked at the perfect, sandy-haired boy that was now standing atop the play structure and laughing with the other overall-clad children.
Malcolm.
It was Malcolm.
He looked at her then, and she saw recognition dawn on his face. He jumped from the structure, landing in that way that only children and drunks seem able, and ran to her with guileless joy. He buried his face against her chest, rubbing his soft hair against her, and fixed her with those deep green eyes that had enchanted her since his birth. It was him, in the flesh, and as he hugged her, she could no more summon the strength to hug him back than she could have summoned the strength to strangle him to death.
"Mommy, mommy, I missed you."
She saw a man rise from the bench, and through his tangled beard, she could see that it was John. He was smiling, his face a rictus of pleasured pain. His mouth smiled, but as she saw his eyes, she felt a stab of pain rip through her heart. His eyes were pinched, screaming, and as he approached, he seemed to be begging her to run. He bent to hug her, melding against his son easily as the two embraced her like some lost relation who came back again.
"How...how is this possible, John?"
He smiled at her with his painful grin.
"Come to the Barn, Claire. All things can be found if you're willing to see the light."
submitted by Erutious to u/Erutious [link] [comments]


2020.07.02 07:36 AquaGorrila_Man Homecoming: Booking Matt Riddle on the Main Roster: Chapter 1: The OG Bro is Here!

CHAPTER 1: THE OG BRO IS HERE!
Matt Riddle is coming off a huge loss against Timothy Thatcher and rumors are spreading of him being called up but nothing happens until...
SMACKDOWN, JUNE 19TH, 2020
AJ Styles is in the ring for his championship celebration and he is talking about how title shots will be earned and stuff(basically exactly what he did IRL) but then Daniel Bryan interrupts and says that since Gulak pinned Styles, Gulak should get a title shot but then AJ interrupts him and says that a title shot must be earned by more than just pinning him.
He says that he has a list that he has proposed backstage and you can increase your rank by winning matches against Styles or just matches in general. This will only apply to the IC Title picture. And Daniel Bryan losing to AJ puts him back at the bottom of the title picture.
Bryan counters by asking how much Drew Gulak ranked up and AJ says that since Drew pinned him last week and since the leaderboard just started technically Drew is the #1 contender but to face him Drew haw to win a #1 contenders match and that will be #1 vs #2 but no one else has any merit, Gulak can't have a #1 contenders match therefore AJ won't defend the title.
Bryan then challenges someone to face him and the winner will become #2 so then the following week the winner will face Gulak in a #1 contenders match next week. Daniel awaits a response and then the crowd hears "Bro!"
The crowd goes wild as Matt Riddle comes down to the ring and cuts a brief promo about how he is here and he is ready to prove himself so he accepts Bryan's challenge much to the clear dismay of AJ Styles.
Matt Riddle vs Daniel Bryan: the winner will earn a #1 contenders match against Drew Gulak next week and the #2 spot in the IC Title Table.
Key Moments =
- This match is a very fan involved match with both guys being super over and they both have good chants.
- Riddle shows some great skill in his Smackdown debut but Bryan plays the veteran here as the 2 go back and forth.
- This match is a mix of high paced, strike based action & technical battles.
- Riddle hits the Avalanche Fisherman Buster for a near fall but Bryan barely kicks out at 2.
- Bryan scores a very near fall after a Running Knee.
The Finish:
Bryan and Riddle exchange kicks with the YES! Kicks and then Riddle quickly reverses the final YES! Kick and goes into the BRO! Kicks. Riddle then hoists up Bryan for the Bro to Sleep but Bryan reverses into a Backstabber and then Riddle falls forward off the rope and into the YES! Clothesline from Bryan. Bryan then goes for a Canadian Destroyer but Riddle reverses into a German Suplex and then the Bro-Ton but when he goes for the cover, Bryan goes right into the Backslide but Riddle kicks out at 2. Bryan then goes right for the YES! Lock but Riddle avoids into the Ankle Lock. Bryan struggles but eventually gets to his feet and hits a Mule Kick and then locks in the Cattle Mutilation. Riddle finally fights to the ropes and gets his feet on the dropped and then uses the ropes to roll over into the Bro-Hammer followed by the Bro-Mission and Bryan has to tap out.
Matt Riddle defeats Daniel Bryan to qualify for a #1 contenders match with Drew Gulak(20:09)

SMACKDOWN, JUNE 26TH, 2020
Drew Gulak & Daniel Bryan have a backstage interview where Bryan says that he knows it is hard to accept help but when he accepted Gualk's help the 2 became best friends and they are both better wrestlers because of it. He invites Riddle to join them.
Later on in the night, Riddle is backstage and he walks up to Bryan & Gulak and he says that he respects the hell out of them but he is not interested right now because right now he is solo. He then wishes Gulak good luck in their match in the main event.
Matt Riddle vs Drew Gulak(AJ Styles on commentary): the winner faces AJ Styles for the IC Title at Extreme Rules
Key Moments =
- This match is a technical masterpiece with the 2 showing their submission specialty and is similahas shades of their match on NXT in early 2019.
- Riddle and Gulak work the match so they spend a lot of time in holds or on the ground but still have a free-flowing match with some spurts of rapid-fire strikes & slams from each and each of these spurts ending with a near fall.
- Each of them hit one of their finishers(Spine Splitter from Gulak & BTS from Riddle) but each ends in a very near fall.
- Each of these guys hit all their signatures throughout the match all of which end in near falls or near tap outs.
The Finish:
Riddle goes for the Bro Kick but Gulak ducks and Riddle gets his leg in between the ropes. Gulak then goes for a Running Knee Strike to the Back but Riddle reverses into a Spinning Back Kick and then the Bro Knee but as Gulak falls back, AJ says something and Riddle starts yelling at him. Gulak then rolls up Riddle with the O'Conner Roll but Riddle kicks out at 2. Riddle then gets right to his feet and goes for the Bro-Knee but Gulak avoids by smoothly transitions from right in front of Riddle to right behind him and then he quickly drops him into the Gu-Lock which Riddle struggles in for about 15 seconds before tapping out.
Drew Gulak defeats Matt Riddle to earn an IC Title Match at Extreme Rules(23:23)

SMACKDOWN, July 3RD, 2020
Since this is the day before 4th of July, Smackdown has a patriotic-themed show and they decide to have an All-American Gauntlet Match and there will be an All-American Gauntlet Match on Raw & NXT as well and the winners will face each other on the NXT Great American Bash's final night to crown the All-American of the year.
Sheamus(Entrant #1) vs Drew Gulak(Entrant #2) vs The Miz(Entrant #3 vs Matt Riddle(Entrant #4) vs Chad Gable(Entrant #5) vs Mojo Rawley(Entrant #6) vs Elias(Entrant #7) vs Daniel Bryan(Entrant #8) in the Smackdown All American Gauntlet
(Match #1) Sheamus vs Drew Gulak
Key Moments =
- Drew uses his small size and speed to avoid a lot of Sheamus' moves and to lock in great technical moves & submissions.
- Sheamus' size allows him to retake control of the match with a huge slam whenever Drew starts to rally a lot of momentum.
The Finish:
Drew goes for the Gulak but Sheamus rolls through lifting up Gulak for the Celtic Cross for the 1,2,3.
Sheamus defeats Drew Gualk(12:34)
(Match #2) Sheamus vs The Miz
Key Moments =
- John Morrison constantly gets involved to help Miz throughout the match.
- Sheamus like in Match #1 is a huge dominant force that can use one slam to halt any momentum that Miz gains.
The Finish:
Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick but Morrison distracts him and Sheamus gets pissed and hits the Beasts of Bodhran on Morrison but this allows Miz to run-up and goes for the Skull-Crushing Finale but Sheamus reverses sending Miz rebounding off the ropes and right into the Brogue Kick for the 1,2,3.
Sheamus defeats The Miz8:09)
(Match #3) Sheamus vs Matt Riddle
Key Moments =
- Sheamus is once again a dominant force but the size combined with the technical and speedy abilities of Riddle makes the match very even.
- Riddle's offense focuses more on strikes and submissions while Sheamus focuses more on slams.
- Riddle and Sheamus both hit multiple of their signature but they all end in near falls/tap-outs.
The Finish:
Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick but Riddle intercepts him with the Bro-Knee followed by the Bro-Derek for the 1,2,3.
Matt Riddle defeats Sheamus15:32)
(Match #4) Matt Riddle vs Chad Gable
Key Moments =
- Gable is clearly outmatched but he never gives up and manages to nearly score the upset a couple of times.
- Riddle always comes very close to winning the match but Gable somehow finds a way to stay in the match.
- Gable hits the All American Suplex out of nowhere but Riddle kicks out at 2.
The Finish:
Riddle lines up for the Bro-Knee but Gable catches him mid-run-up with the Olympic Slam but when Gable covers him Riddle reverses the pin at the count of 2 by rolling Gable down into the Bro-Mission which Gable fights in for about 10 seconds before defeatedly tapping out.
Matt Riddle defeats Chad Gable(7:21)
(Match #5) Matt Riddle vs Mojo Rawley
Key Moments =
- Riddle dominates this match as he essentially squashes Mojo.
The Finish:
Riddle hits the Bro-Knee followed by the BTS for the win.
Matt Riddle defeats Mojo Rawley via pinfall(5:12)
(Match #6) Matt Riddle vs Elias
Key Moments =
- Riddle & Elias have a great strike based match with tons of heavy strikes from Elias and quick, sharp strikes from Riddle.
The Finish:
Elias goes for the Drift Away but Riddle reverses rolling Elias over with a Gutwrench German Suplex and then rolling him through again into the Bro-Derek for the win.
Matt Riddle defeats Elias via pinfall(11:34)
While Daniel Bryan is making his entrance, AJ Styles attacks him & Gulak and then waltzes down to the ring saying that this is the first-ever All American of the Year Challenge and he wants his name all over it.
(Match #7) Matt Riddle vs AJ Styles
Key Moments =
- This match is an amazing show of submissions and technical wrestling along with a lot of great upbeat sequences as well.
- Styles nearly wins with the Calf Crusher but Riddle barely gets to the ropes.
- Riddle is clearly worse for wear after his previous matches.
- Riddle hits the Bro-Knee but Styles kicks out at 2.
The Finish:
Styles goes for the Phenomenal Forearm but Riddle rolls him through into the Ankle Lock. Styles struggles but he eventually fights to his feet into the STYLES CLASH OUT OF NOWHERE! 1,2,3.
AJ Styles defeats Matt Riddle via pinfall(19:12)
AJ Styles wins the Smackdown All-American Gauntlet Match(1:17:41)
Note: AJ Styles would go on to defeat Ricochet(Raw) & Dominik Dijakovic(NXT) at Great American Bash to become the All-American of the Year

SMACKDOWN, JULY 24TH, 2020
Extreme Rules was last Sunday and AJ Styles retained his IC Title against Drew Gulak. AJ comes out to celebrate the win but Matt Riddle interrupts and says that AJ screwed him out of being the All-American of the Year and that he wants revenge and he wants it at SummerSlam for the IC Title.
AJ then tells Riddle that he has to work his way back up the table since he lost to him in the Gauntlet Match.
Riddle is pissed and AJ says that he will give Riddle a chance to jump back up to #5 if he can beat him in a tag match with a partner of his choosing.
Later backstage, Bryan tells Riddle that he is ready but Riddle then says that he misses Catch Point and asks Gulak to fight with him one last time which Gulak accepts.
Catch Point vs Styles & Sheamus: If Riddle wins he moves to #5 in the IC Title Table
Key Moments =
- Riddle & Gulak have tons of callbacks to their time as Catch Point.
- This match is a great technical masterpiece with each guy having one other thing along with the technical's(Gulak has smarts, Riddle is the hard striker, Styles is the high flyer and Sheamus is the tough slammer)
- AJ is insane throughout this match showing how dominant of a champ he is.
- Styles uses dirty tricks to get the upper-hand as he constantly runs in either to break up a pin or to just cause chaos to save Sheamus.
The Finish:
Riddle misses the Bro-Knee and AJ rolls him through into the Calf Crusher but Riddle escapes. Styles then tags in Sheamus and Sheamus goes for the Brogue kick but Riddle reverses into the German Suplex followed by the BTS and then rolling through into the Bro-Derek and Gulak takes out Styles before he can break the pin giving Riddle & Gulak the win.
Catch Point defeats Styles & Sheamus to move Matt Riddle to #5 in the IC Title Table(16:12)

SMACKDOWN, AUGUST 7TH, 2020
Matt Riddle vs King Corbin: Winner moves to #3 in the IC Title Table
Key Moments =
- Riddle uses his strong striker style to wear down Corbin while Corbin uses his Boxing Background to batter Riddle.
The Finish:
Corbin goes for the End of Days but Riddle reverses into a Powerbomb-Bro-Knee followed by the Bro-Ton and then he hits the BTS and then right into the Bro-Mission forcing Corbin to quickly tap.
Matt Riddle defeats Baron Corbin to become #3 in the IC Title Table(13:11)

SMACKDOWN, AUGUST 21ST, 2020
It is announced that the top 3 people in the IC Title Table, Nakamura(#1) Kofi(#2) Riddle(#3) will compete in a #1 contenders match.
Matt Riddle vs Shinsuke Nakamura vs Kofi Kingston: winner faces Styles for the IC Title at SummerSlam
Key Moments =
- This match is great with each guy having a role(Riddle is submission specialist, Nakamura is Strong Style Striker & Kofi is the high-flyer)
- This match has tons of false finishes with many big/signature moves being hit.
The Finish:
Nakamura misses the Kinshasa and then Riddle takes him down into the Ankle Lock but Kofi breaks the pin and goes for the SOS which Nakamura reverses into a Kneebar but Riddle breaks it and hits the BTS for the win.
Matt Riddle defeats Shinsuke Nakamura & Kofi Kingston to earn an IC Title Match at SummerSlam(24:09)

SUMMERSLAM, AUGUST 23RD, 2020
AJ Styles(c) vs Matt Riddle for the IC Title in a No DQ Match
Key Moments =
- Matt makes a Surfer Bro entrance & wears Surf Shorts during the match
- AJ and Riddle have an insanely good match with both of them showing off their technical expertise.
- This match has so many false finishes, Riddle hits the Bro-Derek onto a surfboard but Styles somehow kicks out. The same happens when Riddle hits the BTS and all the times he hits the Bro-Knee along with when he locks in the Bro-Mission.
- Styles nearly wins it a couple of times as Riddle kicks out of the Styles Clash, Phenomenal Forearm, and twice escapes the Calf Crusher.
- AJ and Matt use weapons to batter each other.
The Finish:
Riddle goes for the Bro-Knee but Styles reverses into the Calf Crusher. Riddle struggles but barely manages to escape and rolls through into a Pele Kick. Styles answers with a Pele Kick of his own and then the 2 both Superkick each other and then both collapse. They then get back to their feet and AJ goes for the Styles Clash but Riddle reverses into the BTS but when he goes for the German Suplex to end it AJ flips and lands it and then hits the Fireman's Carry Neck to Knee Drop and then he goes for the Pheonaml Forearm which Riddle reverses into the Bro-Mission! STYLES STRUGGLES, NO HE FOUGHT OUT! Styles get back to his feet hits the Ganamgeri and then HOPS ON THE ROPE FOR THE PHENOMENAL FOREARM FOR THE WIN!
AJ Styles(c) defeats Matt Riddle to retain the IC Title(34:21)
Riddle looks hurt and he also looks very shocked that he lost to AJ after all the hype over the last couple months.

Riddle disappears off TV for a little bit and when he does return he just has some opener level matches trying to go back up the rankings as he beats guys like The Forgotten Sons, The B-Team and other low-level guys and sometimes a match with a guy like Zayn, Cesaro or Bryan. AJ successfully defends the IC title against Sheamus at Clash of Champions and then Matt Riddle has his first meaningful match since SummerSlam.
SMACKDOWN, OCTOBER 9TH, 2020
Matt Riddle vs Cesaro: winner becomes #4 in the IC Title Table
Key Moments =
- Cesaro and Riddle have a submission focused match with Cesaro showing off his technical prowess.
- Cesaro pulls out moves like the Cranial Crank, the Sharpshooter & the Inverted Chikara Special.
- Riddle gets a couple of near falls with the BRO! Kicks, the Bro-Knee & the Bro-Ton.
The Finish:
Sami Zayn gets on the apron distracting Riddle and then this allows Cesaro to hit an uppercut to the back of the head and then the Neutralizer for the win.
Cesaro defeats Matt Riddle to become #4 in the table(17:13)

SMACKDOWN, OCTOBER 17TH, 2020
Matt Riddle calls out Cesaro backstage during an interview saying that Cesaro got a cheap win and he wants to face him at Hell in a Cell. Later on in the night, Cesaro says that at HIAC he already has a tag title match against The Usos but that Sami Zayn is available.
Sami then cuts in and says that actually he is not because he thinks Riddle isn't ready to face him. Sami says he has plans for that night so he can't face Matt Riddle but at Halloween Havoc, he will face Riddle. Throughout the night, Riddle continues his quest to get on the HIAC card but people either have plans or they say that they don't want to face him.
In the final segment before the main event, Matt Riddle is defeated while sitting backstage accepting he won't be on the HIAC card. Then we see the B-Team looking at him and they say that they accept in a 2 on 1 handicap because they understand how it feels to be unable to get matches.

HELL IN A CELL, OCTOBER 19TH, 2020
(Pre-Show) Matt Riddle vs The B-Team in a 2 on 1 Handicap Match
Key Moments =
- The head of marketing tells them backstage that their match is nowhere near good enough to be on the HIAC card but he can put them on the pre-show.
- The B-Team breaks up multiple pins & submissions when Riddle would have won.
The Finish:
Riddle hits the Double Bro-Knee dropping the B-Team but then the crowd hears "WOAH-WOOAAH!"
Sami Zayn confidently comes down to the ring and Riddle is distracted and then Riddle turns around and The B-Team goes for The Last Pick but Riddle reverses and locks in the Bro-Mission quickly making Axel tap.
Matt Riddle defeats The B-Team(9:13)
After the match, Riddle chases Zayn but Zayn escapes to the back. Riddle halts his chase and then heads back to the ring where he shakes the hands of The B-Team and then they celebrate together.

SMACKDOWN, OCTOBER 26TH, 2020
Backstage, we see Matt Riddle being beaten down by the Artists Collective and security has to pull him away.
Matt Riddle vs Shinsuke Nakamura
Key Moments =
- This match is a strong style-strike based match that moves more like an NJPW match than a WWE Match.
- Zayn & Cesaro get involved a lot throughout the match.
The Finish:
Riddle goes for the Bro-Knee but Nakamura reverses into a Leg Pick and then a Leg Sweep followed by a Knee Drop. Nakamura then goes for the Kinshasa but Riddle reverses into a Toe Drag and Riddle locks in the STF which Nakamura fights out of and into the Armbar. Riddle fights up for a Deadlift Powerbomb but Nakamura reverses into an Eat Defeat followed by the Kinshasa for the win.
Shinsuke Nakamura defeats Matt Riddle(16:12)

HALLOWEEN HAVOC, OCTOBER 31ST, 2020
Matt Riddle vs Sami Zayn in an Extreme Rules Match
Key Moments =
- This match is a technical battle with each guy showing not just their technical skills but also their athleticism.
- Both kick out of finishers(Sami hits Heluva Kick & Riddle hits Bro-Derek)
- Riddle frequently attacks Cesaro & Nakamura who keep getting involved.
- Sami uses weapons frequently throughout.
The Finish:
Zayn goes for the Helluva Kick when Riddle is barely standing but Riddle avoids & Zayn has his foot caught in the corner. Riddle scrambles and picks up a pumpkin(around the ring for theming). He then puts that Pumpkin over Zayn's head and Zayn struggles and then Riddle hits the Bro-Kick which shakes Zayn & then he hits the Bro-Knee smashing the Pumpkin open on Sami and then he pins Zayn for the win.
Matt Riddle defeats Sami Zayn(21:08)

SMACKDOWN, NOVEMBER 2ND, 2020
Riddle comes out and says that it is time for him to be the Ultimate Bro of the division and that he is refocusing on the IC Title but then Zayn comes out irate.
Zayn says that this isn't over between them and then Nakamura & Cesaro jump Riddle.

SMACKDOWN, NOVEMBER 9TH, 2020
Matt Riddle vs Cesaro
Key Moments =
- This match is a great main event as the 2 go out with tons of technical matwork & submissions.
- Both Cesaro & Riddle hit their signatures but they all end in near falls.
The Finish:
Riddle hits the Bro-Knee followed by the BTS for the win.
Matt Riddle defeats Cesaro(17:12)

SMACKDOWN, NOVEMBER 9TH, 2020
It is announced that Matt Riddle vs Sami Zayn will be a Survivor Series 5 Man Tag. Later on in the night, we see Matt Riddle asking The B-Team to join his team called Team Underdog they accept. We also see AJ Styles join Team Artist.

SMACKDOWN, NOVEMBER 16TH, 2020
Matt Riddle vs Sami Zayn
Key Moments =
- This match is the main event and it is very submission/technical focused.
- Riddle nearly wins with a Bro-Knee but Zayn barely kicks out, the same happens when Zayn hits the BrainBustah.
The Finish:
Cesaro is distracting the ref while Sami is down and then BAM! ZIGGLER HITS THE SWEET CHIN MUSIC ON RIDDLE! Ziggler rolls out of the ring as Sami covers him for the 1,2,3.
Sami Zayn defeats Matt Riddle(18:01)
After the match, Sami announces that Ziggler has joined Team Artists.

SMACKDOWN, NOVEMBER 23RD, 2020
The B-ro Team(Riddle, Axel & Dallas) vs Team Artist(Cesaro, Nakamura, Styles)
Key Moments =
- In this preview of Survivor Series, we see Riddle basically is in a 3 on 1 as Axel & Dallas try but are not that good.
- We see tons of near falls.
The Finish:
Riddle hits the Bro-Derek but before he can pin Ziggler, Nakamura breaks up the pin and as Sami distracts, Nakamura tags himself in and hits the Kinsasha out of nowhere on a distracted Riddle for the win.
Team Artist defeats Team Underdog(24:19)
After the match, Artist starts beating down Underdog and then Daniel Bryan & Drew Gulak run down for the save and they celebrate with Underdog meaning they join Underdog

SURVIVOR SERIES, NOVEMBER 25TH, 2020
Team Underdog(Riddle, Gulak, Bryan, Axel & Dallas) vs Team Artist(Zayn, Cesaro, Nakamura, Ziggler & Styles) in a Survivor Series Traditional Tag Match: decides whether Zayn or Riddle faces Styles at TLC
Key Moments =
- This match plays true to the names as the match flows artfully and Underdog fight from behind a lot.
- Gulak, Ridde & Bryan are in a technical masterclass with Zayn, Nakamura, Cesaro & Styles.
- Gulak hits the Gulak Attack but Styles kicks out at 2.
- Cesaro nearly gets the first elimination with a Swiss Death to Bryan.
First Elimination:
Dallas goes for the Bo-Dog but Cesaro reverses into a Backpack Stunner and then he locks in the Inverted Chikara Special which Bo has to tap out in.
(First Elim) Cesaro eliminates Bo Dallas(9:43)
People Left: Team Artists(5) Team Underdog(4)
- Nakamura nearly eliminates Gulak with an Armbar.
- Sami Zayn nearly eliminates Riddle with the BrainBustah.
Second Elimination:
Bryan goes for the Running Knee but Zayn reverses into a Dropkick and then Axel tags himself in and Zayn promptly hits Axel with the Helluva Kick for the 1,2,3.
(Second Elim) Sami Zayn eliminates Curtis Axel(15:01)
People Left: Team Artists(5) Team Underdog(3)
- Ziggler nearly eliminates Riddle with a Sweet Chin Music.
- This match is all technical now but the 5 on 3 advantage allows Team Artist to control.
- Cesaro nearly takes out Riddle with a Sharpshooter but he fights out.
- Bryan nearly scores an elimination on Nakamura with the Running Knee.
Third Elimination:
Riddle goes for the Bro-Knee but AJ dodges and goes for the Styles Clash but Riddle rolls out and hits the Bro-Kick! Both Riddle & Styles then tag out to Bryan & Ziggler respectively. Ziggler then charges in and goes for the Sweet Chin Music but Bryan dodges and then Ziggler goes for the Zig-Zag but Bryan reverses into a Skywalker followed by the Running YES! Dropkick and then he hits the Flying YES! Dropkick and then the YES! Clothesline as the fans are going wild for him and then he hits the YES! Kicks followed by the Running Knee for the 1,2,3 on Ziggler.
(Third Elim) Daniel Bryan eliminates Dolph Ziggler(35:09)
People Left: Team Artists(4) Team Underdog(3)
- Nakamura uses a Vicous Strong Style of Strikes to control the majority of this part of the match.
- Riddle gets a near fall with a Double Bro-Knee that drops Styles, Cesaro & Zayn.
- Gulak gets a very near fall with a Bataclan onto a chair.
Fourth Elimination:
Zayn hits mock Bryan by hitting the Running Knee on Gulak but Gulak reverses into the YES! Lock but Zayn fights out and goes for the Koji Clutch but Gulak rolls through into the Gu-Lock and Zayn quickly taps.
(Fourth Elim) Drew Gulak eliminates Sami Zayn(45:37)
People Left: Team Artists(3) Team Underdog(3)
- The next part of the match is heavily centered around Cesaro being a dominant force.
- We see even more technical wrestling that sees tons of submissions and roll-ups.
Fifth Elimination:
Bryan goes for the Running Knee but Cesaro intercepts him with a Swiss Uppercut and then he tags in Styles and the 2 hit a Ricola Bomb-Phenomenal Forearm combo move for the 1,2,3.
(Fifth Elim) AJ Styles eliminates Daniel Bryan(1:04:13)
People Left: Team Artists(3) Team Underdog(2)
- Nakamura & Styles transfer all the stuff from there 2018 rivalry and push that into working together.
- Only Catch Point remains and this is the ultimate reunion match for them as they work so well together to even the odds even though they are outnumbered.
Sixth Elimination:
Cesaro goes for the UFO on Gulak but he reverses and Dropkicks Cesaro's back sending Cesaro stumbling forward and Riddle tags himself in as Gulak hits the Gulak Attack. Catch Point hit the Bro-Dragon(Bro-Knee while the man is in the Gu-Lock) and after that Gulak holds the Gu-Lock and Cesaro passes out in the hold and Riddle holds off Nakamura & Styles allowing Gu-Lock to have the hold in long enough to make Cesaro pass out.
(Sixth Elim) Drew Gulak eliminates Cesaro(1:19:25)
People Left: Team Artist(2) Team Underdog(2)
- Catch Point has now finally evened the odds but now they have to face the 2 best on Team Artist in Shinsuke Nakamura & AJ Styles.
- This is an insane mix of Strong Style strikes and technical submissions and on the mat stuff. We also see a lot of high temp spurts.
- Nakamura hits the Punk Rocker(Inverted Exploder Suplex) through a table but Riddle kicks out at 2.
- Riddle gets many near falls with all his signatures and even the BTS but Nakamura & Styles always kick out or escape.
Seventh Elimination:
Gulak goes for the Bataclan but Styles reverses into the Fisherman's Carry Neckbreaker and then the Styles Clash for the 1,2,3.
(Seventh Elim) AJ Styles eliminates Drew Gulak(1:41:15)
People Left: Team Artists(2) Team Underdog(1)
- Now all three remaining guys are tired and worn down but Nakamura & Styles are able to tag to give each other brief rests while Riddle is just beaten down all time now that he is the sole survivor of his team.
- Riddle gets short bursts of offense in where he scores a couple near pins with tons of roll-ups and quick strikes but Team Artists control the majority of this.
- Styles nearly wins with the Calf Crusher but Riddle just barely reaches the ropes.
Eighth Elimination:
Styles goes for the Styles Clash but Riddle reverses into a Bro-Ricane-Rana and then the Bro-Knee. He then stumbles back and hits a Pele Kick to Nakamura who is on the apron. Styles is now back on his feet and he goes for the Fisherman's Carry Neckbreaker but Riddle reverses into the Rolling German Suplexes and then finally rolling through for the BTS but Styles reverses, hits an Enziguri and goes for the Sunset Flip but Riddle reverses with a deadlift, lifting Styles up into the Bro-Derek for the 1,2,3! RIDDLE JUST PINNED THE IC CHAMP!
(Eighth Elim) Matt Riddle eliminates AJ Styles(1:56:47)
People Left: Team Artist(1) Team Underdog(1)
- Shinsuke Nakamura & Matt Riddle are now the sole survivors for their respective teams and the 2 are very tired as this has been the longest match in WWE History!
- Nakamura nearly wins when he goes for the Kinshasa but Riddle barely blocks.
- Riddle hits the Bro-Knee but Nakamura somehow kicks out at 2.
- Nakamura nearly picks up the win with the Punk Rocker.
Ninth (Final) Elimination:
Riddle and Nakamura are both exhausted as they stagger towards each other. Riddle goes for the Bro-Knee but Nakamura blocks and counters with a Roundhouse Kick to the side of Riddle's head. They both then hit each other with Roundhouse Kicks at the same time before they both stagger back to the corner. Nakamura then somehow gets a giant burst of energy to hit a Running Corner Knee Lift and then Nakamura struggles back to his feet and starts calling for the KINSASHA! NAKAMURA CONNECTS WITH THE KINSASHA! COVERS RIDDLE 1,2,3! NAKAMURA WINS IT FOR TEAM ARTISTS! SAMI ZAYN WILL FACE AJ STYLES AT TLC! ALL THANKS TO SOLE SURVIVOR, SHINSUKE NAKAMURA!
(Final Elimination) Shinsuke Nakamura eliminates Matt Riddle(2:18:09)
Final Person Count: Team Artists(1) Team Underdog(0)
Sole Survivor: Shinsuke Nakamura(Team Artists)
Team Artists defeat Team Underdog to earn Sami Zayn an IC Title Shot at TLC(2:18:09)
Once again, Matt Riddle has come so close to greatness just to fall short as he collapses as not only has his quest for glory failed but he also failed his goal to win a PPV match(the gimmick will be that his win against the B-Team at Hell in a Cell didn't count because it was on the pre-show so that is the thing that will be referenced by commentators throughout his journey.
Stay Tuned for part 2 coming soon!
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2020.06.19 17:57 SaintRidley Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ January 25, 1988

January 25, 1988
Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words, continuing in the footsteps of daprice82. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives.
• PREVIOUS •
1987
FUTURE YEARS ARCHIVE:
The Complete Observer Rewind Archive by daprice82
1-4-1988 1-11-1988 1-18-1988
  • February 5 could be the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning of this current wrestling war. No doubt about it that McMahon’s Main Event will be a big success, especially with Andre vs. Hogan headlining and lots of publicity. There’s a good chance it cracks the top 15 weekly ratings, but that’s where things get tricky. If it succeeds, WWF will want to do it again, as will networks. Does this then mean weekly prime time wrestling? Just four years ago it was almost unthinkable that pro wrestling would be on network tv at all, and WWF has had a run of successes all through 1987. They’re firing on all cylinders and drawing big ratings with everything, and that’s the sort of thing networks find appealing. Could this lead to network tv for Crockett? Probably not - no way would Crockett give up the creative control necessary to make their show fit for network tv, and no network would have “you-know-who” (I’m guessing Dusty?) as the showcased star. Dave expects that if this show is a success, we may see WWF getting offered a weekly network deal by fall of 1989 to combat falling ratings (doesn’t that sound like Fox in 2019 making a deal with WWE?). The question is if WWF can put on interesting weekly tv shows long enough to keep interest in the long-term, and Dave’s not sure they can do that. He also isn’t sure Vince will be smart enough to avoid the trap of weekly network tv if the opportunity is there. On the other hand, whatever time they did get would be very lucrative for the duration. So would passing it up even be the smart move? Wrestling as a whole could fall to scandal at any moment, so is the long-term really worth considering too hard?
  • Focusing on the event itself, Andre and Hogan have big pressure on them. Andre’s condition means they can’t do a good match on their own, so they need a good finish and need to gimmick their way around the limitations. Hogan winning cleanly is the bad option - it would kill interest in Hogan’s match for Wrestlemania because nobody will be able to get over to Andre levels to be believable. Andre winning with Hogan challenging at Wrestlemania is the most discussed scenario, but Dave wonders if they’ll mortalize Hogan. It’s a hell of a needle to thread.
  • At the time of writing, Rumble vs. Bunkhouse is one week away. Dave fully expects Crockett’s ppv to fail, based on all indications he has. Dave’s pessimistic about their ppv numbers and the number of homes they’ll clear, and they’ve done a terrible job at hyping things up. The fact of the matter is this: every cable company will compare their performance to WWF (an unfair comparison), and that’s just going to not look good for Crockett. Failure here will make it harder to get the Crockett Cup carried, especially if WWF puts the pressure on after Wrestlemania. One of the companies Dave has contacts with has given indication that the Bunkhouse Stampede isn’t selling at all with them, which is not a good sign.
  • The Midnight Rockers are AWA Tag Team Champions. The December 27 match in Vegas ended with a double pin and the referee awarded the match to the Midnight Express. They’ve since announced that decision was overturned and the Rockers are champions. The real reason is that the Midnight Express have quit the AWA. Randy Rose wasn’t making enough money and wanted a guaranteed contract to keep him coming up from Georgia, and Condrey (who had a guaranteed contract) got his contract cut. So Condrey quit immediately, and Verne apparently didn’t want to keep using them so he didn’t even want to bring them back to do the job. Dave’s not sure where Paul E. Dangerously stands in this, but he’s heard stories indicating he’s still with them and that he’s split from them. Either way, he wasn’t at the most recent AWA taping. The Rockers are still mostly wrestling in Memphis, but expect that to change soon.
  • Good news for Crockett: their tv ratings seem to have stopped dropping and they might be rebounding. Their syndicated package has returned to the top 15 (coming in at number 14, two spots behind the All-Star Wrestling Network package which has 65 fewer stations it’s available on). So it’s good for Crockett that they’re improving, but that comparison to the ASW network means there’s still lots of room for improvement. WWF came in fourth place with their syndicated package.
  • All Japan Women has a big challenge ahead of them as both Dump Matsumoto and Yukari Omori arintend to retire in the Spring. AJW has a retirement rule in place where wrestlers are expected/made to retire at 26, and Omori just turned 26 last week. Matsumoto is 27, but they had waived the rule for her due to her drawing power and because they had no one to take her spot as a top heel. So this past year was spent building Bull Nakano and Condor Saito for that role, and the goal is to phase out Dump over the next two months. Dump, like Devil Masami, reportedly wants to continue wrestling and may tour North America. If used correctly, Dave believes she could make women’s wrestling in the U.S. and gain one of the biggest cult followings in all of wrestling. She’d need to be given the push and let completely loose for it to work, but “her gimmickry is such that she would actually get over more in the U.S. than in Japan.” Dave’s seen how Americans react to her in Japan and how they go to AJW shows just to see her (and more Americans go to AJW shows than go to either New Japan or All Japan), and he really thinks Dump has the potential to be among the biggest things going in America if she were to come over, on the same level as the Road Warriors. The Jumping Bomb Angels have been doing fantastically in WWF, so there could be a spot for Dump there. The only problem is it would mean phasing out most every American woman they have, because the only one they really have who can keep up is Leilani Kai. Anyway, Omori and Matsumoto retiring would mean five of the eight biggest draws for AJW would no longer be working there, leaving Bull Nakano, Lioness Asuka, and Chigusa Nagayo to carry things along as they try to develop new draws.
  • [Memphis] Another week, another week with neither Lawler nor Bill Dundee turning heel. Their January 11 match (ring vs. $5,000) ended in a ref bump and the visual was Dundee pinning Lawler, until Terry Taylor ran in and hit Dundee with a DDT, then beat up Lawler and the match was a no contest.
  • [Memphis] For January 18 they have Lawler putting up his ring against Curt Hennig’s AWA Title. Lawler’s talking about this as any kind of loss will result in Hennig getting the ring, and Dave wouldn’t be surprised if Hennig drops the belt, probably to drop it back to Hennig in Vegas in February at the next tv tapings.
  • [AWA] The last show in the Minneapolis Auditorium will be on February 4 and is being billed as Old Timers Night. They’re bringing in Dick the Bruiser, Kenny Jay, Leo Nomellini, Bronko Nagurski, Billy Robinson, Dr. X, Red Bastien, and Butch Levy for guest appearances, and Curt Hennig vs. Greg Gagne will be the AWA Title match. Otherwise the card is a mystery.
  • Nord the Barbarian’s car commercials have made him the most over wrestler in the Twin Cities after Hogan. AWA is, of course, afraid to push him too much lest he leave and it winds up hurting them. Nord doesn’t work dates outside Minnesota, even.
  • Due to the Winter Olympics coming to Calgary next month, Stampede’s going to have to move from their usual spot in the Pavilion. The Pavilion seats 2000 people, and their shows in February will be in a 1000 seat building.
  • Southern Championship Wrestling’s second tv taping drew 400 and had a couple highlights. Dick Slater said in a promo that when he was through with SCW he’d be more hated than Bill Watts. The other highlight was Bruiser BRody accidentally calling Grizzly Boone Grizzly Smith. The promotion’s figurehead president also confiscated Paul E. Dangerously’s mobile phone.
  • Global in Florida now has Gordon Solie doing tv for them. The Malenko brothers are the best workers, and Solie talks about how much the fans are booing those dastardly Russians even as they get nothing but cheers and are the most over guys in the promotion.
  • The UWF (Japan version) has folded and is closing up, and that’s the only real news in New Japan. The UWF was Akira Maeda and his friends negotiating as a group with New Japan and they had their own business office. With Maeda gone from New Japan, the group has dissolved and been fully absorbed into NJPW. Kazuo Yamazaki is being kept on, and Maeda will probably return in the future. UWF guys will now stop wrestling a different style and won’t sell UWF merchandise at shows anymore.
  • [New Japan] Inoki and Fujinami are teaming again. Dave finds this pretty unsatisfactory and indicative of how any success New Japan is having right now is in spite of their booking, not because of it. They teamed, feuded, never had a singles match, and are now teaming again all without the feud ever coming to anything or getting resolved. Irritating.
  • [World Class] The Freebirds (King Parsons, Terry Gordy, and Buddy Roberts) won the WCCW 6-man tag titles on January 4. The former champs were Kevin Von Erich, Steve Simpson, and Chris Adams. Matt Borne subbed for Kevin in the match as the Birds attacked Von Erich backstage and left him injured, but he came out during the match to interfere and cause a disqualification. And in WCCW titles change on disqualification, so yeah. Anyway, extra funny for Dave is how pointlessly they lied on commentary in the match where Kevin, Steve, and Chris won the titles on Christmas in the first place. They called it the finals of a tournament being held around the country over the past several months, but everyone knows Simpson was out for several months because of a torn retina and only just came back. Not to mention the other guys involved who were either in Japan, not working for World Class, or otherwise occupied. Lying’s baked into the DNA of the business, but that doesn’t mean everything you say has to be a lie.
  • World Class is pushing Ken Mantell’s wrestling school hard on the air. They’re calling it the World Class Academy of Wrestling. It was formerly known as the UWF training center.
  • Mantell’s come up with a hell of a gimmick match idea, and it’ll be the feature on the January 22 Dallas show for WCCW: the Thunderdome match. It’s a ten man elimination tornado cage match pitting Kevin & Kerry Von Erich, the Fantastics, and Chris Adams against the Freebirds, Jack Victory, and John Tatum. There are five sets of handcuffs in each corner, and when a man gets pinned he gets handcuffed to the ropes. When all five members of a team are cuffed, the winners get the keys and can uncuff their guys, after which the referee will leave the ring and they get five minutes to beat up the cuffed and defenseless losers. Dave thinks this sounds like a great match concept and expects a sellout on the strength of it (and no, as much as he’s been ragging on WCCW, there’s no sarcasm there at all - he’s genuinely positive on this).
  • Word this week on WCCW’s ownership is that Mantell owns 30%, but the company’s been restructured and he’s Managing General Partner and calls all the shots. Fritz has called at least one shot, though so…
  • Steve Corey had been helping revive WCCW’s business with spot shows, but some of his ideas lately have been not great. He recently promoted one in combination with a Martina Navratilova vs. Chris Evert-Lloyd tennis exhibition, and Dave thinks there can’t be anything dumber than trying to put in one show a women’s tennis exhibition with pro wrestling. Fortunately the tennis players balked and the show wound up canceled, but jeez.
  • **Last note from WCCW: on the January 4 show they had Brian Adias and Frankie Lancaster vs. Missing Link and Bill Irwin in a first blood match between Wild West and WCCW representatives. Link and Irwin won, and Bill Mercer went on and on about how it was a win for Wild West over World Class, which has Dave thinking at least Crockett did one thing right with their UWF vs. NWA angle. There Crockett had NWA win and come out on top and look superior, which was stupid, but smarter than scuttling Wild West, then having Wild West look better than World Class anyway. The galaxy brain move would have been to not mention promotions at all.
  • WWC from Puerto Rico now airs on channel 41 out of Patterson, New Jersey in the New York area.
  • Dave got a line-up for a January 9 card in Pasadena, Florida for “Women’s Championship Wrestling.” Wendi Richter was listed as world champion, and Luna (Vachon) and Lock (Wenona Littleheart) are there as The Daughters of Darkness.
This appears to be from a bit earlier, but Women's Championship Wrestling
  • Dave’s calling off his hunch about Lawler winning the AWA Title in the short term.
  • [NWA] Dick Murdoch has a great match with Nikita Koloff. That alone is a big surprise, but he’s also giving hilarious promos and has become the highlight of the promotion. Dave doesn’t think their February 6 barbed wire match will be as good, but he’s pleasantly surprised about Murdoch putting on his working boots.
  • [NWA] Barry Windham vs. Tully Blanchard for the Western States Title on January 15 (to air January 23) was awful. It went almost half an hour, and 17 minutes in they did a bit where Barry injured his leg and limped for the rest of the match. Near the end, he did a flying clothesline and the referee counted to two before stopping, expecting the bell to ring for a time limit draw. But the bell didn’t ring. So he looked at a replay and called for the match to resume, only for Flair and Arn to run in, with Luger running in to make the save, with the Horsemen beating Luger up and wanting Windham to join them. Several fans jumped the rails and ran into the ring to attack the Horsemen and had to be dragged out, and in the end Luger and Windham shook hands. Dave says scrap any notions of Windham being the fourth horseman (he considers that Steve Williams probably has too many Japan commitments, and that really just leaves Ron Garvin which won’t happen), because it looks like they have no candidates lined up. Au contraire, Dave. They’re just slow-burning Windham’s heel turn. Wait until April.
Watch: Barry Windham vs. Tully Blanchard for the Western States Title
  • Once again we have a letter asking for coverage of POWW and GLOW. There’s more space in the issues now that Dave’s gone to two columns, so coverage of them and of more international wrestling from England, South Africa, and Mexico would be welcome. Seems like Dave’s got a small, but vocal subset of subscribers clamoring for more coverage of women’s wrestling at home as well as abroad.
  • Roddy Piper’s The Highwayman pilot is going to be picked up. Piper is probably not going to be involved in the series going forward, though. In other news, Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, and Lex Luger were in a pilot for Canadian tv called “Learning the Ropes.” It’s about Lyle Alzado (who was also involved in the pilot for The Highwayman and also won’t be involved in the series going forward) as a single father schoolteacher with two kids who works as a wrestler on the weekends. They made four pilots and it’s set up as a half hour sitcom. Not sure yet if it’ll be picked up, but the letter writer who gives us these bits of info about these projects promises to let us know if she can find out.
  • Roddy Piper is also going to be the lead in John Carpenter’s next movie, which is a great sign for him having a future in Hollywood. It’s a little movie called They Live.
  • Iron Sheik appears to be returning to WWF. Dave expects him and Bubba Rogers to debut on the January 26-27 tapings.
  • Wrestlemania IV won’t be at the Superdome. Dave’s not sure where it will be, but the Superdome, Kingdome, and Silverdome are all booked for the NCAA basketball tournament. Dave’s been told they’ll be at a 20,000 seat arena, but only a few know for sure and they’re keeping their lips sealed.
  • Joel Watts (son of Bill) quit WWF’s tv crew and is apparently getting out of the wrestling business. I’m gonna blindly blame Kevin Dunn.
THURSDAY: Bunkhouse Finals and Royal Rumble, NWA bleeding talent, Starrcade buyrate revised, and more
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2020.06.10 05:09 Niko69lol The legendary Genius Nikolas Tesla,The Man who lit up the World

The legendary Genius Nikolas Tesla,The Man who lit up the World
Many scientists have already been born into this world, and everyone has contributed in several areas.But there is one in particular that stands out among all: Nikolas Tesla! As the only scientist among the 13 fighters, he will use his inventions to defeat a god, magic vs machine! Nikola Tesla is also a great inspiration,You can see that any man can be special, it all depends on his work and suffering,everyone is born equal, the difference is that each one improves a particular college,if you find yourself a failed and talentless person,don't give up! you're a special person but you haven't figured it out yet, so go get it and live happily. If you are still young, enjoy your youth,youth is the spring of life and the age of hope, if you do that, you will produce useful fruits and achieve what you desire,just believe in yourself because you have potential :) . Here is your summary of life:

https://preview.redd.it/iccyd4ve00451.jpg?width=900&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3fe1e33fec3dd24f00e268c614952140710f05dc
Nikola Tesla
Birthday: July 10, 1856
Nationality: American, Austrian
Died At Age: 86
Sun Sign: Cancer
Born Country: Austria
Born In: Smiljan, Austrian Empire (Modern-Day Croatia)
Famous As: Inventor, Father Of Radio
Family:
Father: Milutin Tesla
Mother: Duka Tesla
Siblings: Angelina, Dane, Marica, Milka
Education: Graz University Of Technology, University Of Graz, Gymnasium Karlovac, Charles University
Died On: January 7, 1943
Place Of Death: The New Yorker, A Wyndham Hotel, New York, New York, United States
Diseases & Disabilities: Dyslexia
Nikola Tesla was a Serbian-American inventor, best known for his development of alternating current electrical systems. He also made extraordinary contributions to the fields of electromagnetism and wireless radio communications. He was a child prodigy and possessed eidetic memory. He also had a futuristic vision for mankind which is evident from most of his discoveries and researches. He was a trained electrical and mechanical engineer whose discoveries and inventions included the modern electric motor, wireless transmission of energy, basic laser, radar technology, the first neon and fluorescent illumination, and the Tesla coil (widely used in radio, television sets, and other electronic equipment). Though he was a great inventor, his life was mostly marred by poverty as he was a terrible businessman. He was impractical with his money and never got involved in a relationship with anyone. Although he was regarded as a generous and polite person by his friends, he had very limited social interaction with them because of his firm daily routine. He was a loner all his life and died penniless without the accolades that he would ultimately earn after his death. He was undoubtedly one of the most influential inventors of the 20th century whose discoveries in the field of electricity were way ahead of his time. His discoveries continue to influence technology even today.
Childhood & Early Life: It all began with a storm
  • Born on July 10, 1856, in Smiljan, Croatia, Nikola Tesla was the fourth of five children of a priest and an inventor. What marked the birth of the Serbian-American boy was a lightning storm. He had eidetic memory and possessed a knack for electrical inventions. He always credited his mother’s genetic influence for his creative abilities.
  • He received his early education of German, arithmetic, and religion from a primary school in Smiljan.
  • In 1870, he was enrolled at ‘Higher Real Gymnasium’ in Karlovac and graduated the four-year course within three years in 1873, thanks to his extraordinary intelligence.
  • In 1875, he attended ‘Austrian Polytechnic’ in Graz, Austria, on a ‘Military Frontier’ scholarship. He was a brilliant student in his first year but got addicted to gambling in his second year which ruined his studies and he was not able to obtain a degree.
Career
  • In 1881, he worked as a draftsman in the ‘Central Telegraph Office’ in Budapest. Later, he became the chief electrician at the ‘Budapest Telephone Exchange’ and made significant improvements to the Central Station equipment.
  • In 1882, he was employed by the ‘Continental Edison Company’ in France as a designer of electrical equipment. After two years, he was shifted to New York to work for Thomas Edison and help him redesign the direct current generators.
  • His idea of improving Edison’s inefficient motors and generators through the polyphase alternating current system prompted Edison to promise him a prize money of fifty thousand dollars if he did it successfully. He completed his task and demanded the prize money to which Edison replied that his challenge was just a form of American humor. Tesla immediately resigned from his job.
  • Fascinated by the works of Tesla, Western Union superintendent Alfred S. Brown and attorney Charles F. Peck backed him up financially and formed the ‘Tesla Electric Company’ in 1887. This helped Tesla in developing an induction motor that ran on alternating current. He then eventually got his works patented.
  • In 1888, he was hired by industrialist George Westinghouse, who was impressed by his idea of developing the alternating current electric supply system. Ultimately, he won the war of currents over Edison’s DC system by demonstrating the marvels of electric appliances via alternating current.
  • After visiting an exposition in Paris in 1889, Tesla came to know about the existence of electromagnetic radiation which was proved by Heinrich Hertz. Soon, he established his own laboratory and invested his time and energy on numerous experiments, including the ‘Tesla Coil’ and carbon button lamp. He also experimented on the power of electrical resonance and various types of lighting.
  • He was also the vice-president of ‘American Institute of Electrical Engineers’ from 1892 to 1894. The institute later became part of the ‘Institute of Radio Engineers.’
  • In 1893, Tesla demonstrated the fully developed polyphase AC system in an exposition held at Columbia. The demonstration was conducted through ‘Westinghouse Electric’ which had his patents.
  • In 1899, he moved to Colorado Springs where he established his laboratory for creating a wireless global energy transmission system. He experimented with man-made lightning in an attempt to provide free wireless electricity throughout the world.
  • In 1900, he began his work on establishing the trans-Atlantic wireless telecommunications facility in Wardenclyffe, near Shoreham, Long Island. He performed many experiments in the facility but due to shortage of funds, he was forced to sell it around the time of World War I.
  • Later, he disclosed a method of transmitting mechanical energy with minimal loss over any terrestrial distance and a method of accurately determining the location of underground mineral deposits.
Major Works
  • His most notable contribution is the modern alternating current (AC) electricity supply system. It proved to be more efficient and effective than the direct current (DC) system of Edison.
  • One of his most celebrated inventions is the ‘Tesla Coil,’ a circuit that transforms energy into extremely high voltage charges, creating powerful electrical fields capable of producing spectacular electrical arcs.
  • In 1943, he was dubbed the ‘father of the radio’ for his significant contributions to the development of radio.
  • He played a pioneering role in the development of radar technology, X-ray technology, and rotating magnetic field—the basis of most AC machinery.

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Awards & Achievements
  • Tesla (unit), the SI derived unit of magnetic flux density (or magnetic inductivity), is named in his honor.
  • In 1894, he was awarded the ‘Elliott Cresson Medal.’
  • In 1895, he was honored with the ‘Order of Prince Danilo I.’
  • In 1934, he was awarded the ‘John Scott Medal.’
  • In 1936, he was honored by the government of Yugoslavia with the ‘Order of the White Eagle, I Class.’
  • He was awarded the ‘University of Paris Medal’ in 1937.
  • He was featured on the cover of ‘TIME’ magazine on the occasion of his 75th birthday.

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“The War of the Currents”
Tesla Electric Company was formed thanks to the financial support of 2 men Nikola Tesla met, who had experience not just in running companies, but also knowing how to advertise inventions and get their investments back. The first laboratory of the inventor was opened right there in Manhattan, where he just recently worked in Edison’s headquarters.
The rivalry between Edison and Tesla existed for years, though, and even became known as “The War of the Currents”. Tesla eventually won the war and helped bring electricity to the US. That happened as a result of his collaboration with George Westinghouse, an industrialist and inventor who noticed the brilliant mind of Tesla after reading one of his papers.

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When a business idea gets stolen…
Years later Nikola Tesla demonstrated radio transmission, but his laboratory was destroyed after a fire — while he was preparing the first real radio signal.
Guglielmo Marconi, an inventor and electrical engineer from Italy, took his idea and used the same technology. The invention of the radio was credited to him. Not just that, but he also won a Nobel Prize for it in 1909. What upset Tesla even more was that the whole project was sponsored by Thomas Edison.
That turned into a court battle. Unfortunately, the truth came just after the death of Nikola Tesla when the US Supreme Court admitted the patent for the radio was originally Tesla’s idea.
A different kind of relationship
Tesla never married. He had another affection, though. That for pigeons. He fed them all the time during his walks in the park.
There was one pigeon in particular that he considered special, and even said he loved him as a man loves a woman.
Personal Life & Legacy
  • He had a strict schedule for his everyday life. He worked for almost 15 hours a day with not more than two hours of sleep. He walked for eight to ten miles each day and did not have much of a social life.
  • He had photographic memory and an ability to speak in eight languages. He never married and did not have any known relationships despite the fact that many women were madly in love with him.
  • He became a naturalized citizen of the United States in July 1891.
  • He became a vegetarian in his later years, living only on milk, bread, honey, and vegetable juices. He used to feed pigeons on an everyday basis towards the end of his life.
  • He died of unknown causes on January 7, 1943, in a hotel room in New York City. It was later confirmed that he died of coronary thrombosis.
  • ‘The Nikola Tesla Award’ is awarded annually for outstanding contribution to the generation or utilization of electric power.

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Now let's go to some detailed interesting curiosities

TESLA WAS BORN DURING A LIGHTNING STORM (MAYBE)
If Nikola Tesla were a superhero, his moniker would be "Electricity Man." Sure, Benjamin Franklin might've gotten zapped through his kite, but Tesla completely revolutionized the entire field of electricity technology, making science fiction into science fact.
Though Tesla was larger than life, the popular legend about how (and when) he was born might be a little too cinematic to be true. According to Hourly History's Nikola Tesla: A Life From Beginning to End, the story goes that Tesla entered the world in 1856, in what is now Croatia, in the midst of a horrific lightning storm. Yes, that's right, the Electricity Man was supposedly born during a lightning storm. Reportedly, the storm was so bad that the midwife got the willies and told Tesla's mother that because of the nasty weather, the baby would be a "child of darkness." Luckily, Nikola's mother had no room in her life for that sort of morbid nonsense and promptly told the midwife, "No, he will be a child of light." Boom. See, isn't that the perfect superhero origin story?
It's hard to say if this exchange is a true story of a fun myth, but if Tim Burton ever directs a movie about Tesla's life, we expect to see this scene right at the beginning regardless.
HIS MOTHER SPURRED HIM ONTO SCIENCE
Whether Nikola Tesla rocketed to earth on a lightning bolt or not, we do know that his remarkable brain started diving into science from an early age. As a boy, according to Biography, young Nikola was torn in two directions. His father was a Serbian Orthodox priest who wanted his son to follow in his religious footsteps, while his mother was an inventor who liked tinkering with household appliances. Once the woman introduced science to her son, the boy's future was clear. Considering the impact Nikola's work went on to have, the world probably owes his mom a big thank-you for getting him started.
Anyway, Nikola loved studying science, and his schooling and research took him to Austria, Prague, and Budapest, where he ended up working for the Central Telephone Exchange. It was in Budapest where, one day on a leisurely walk through the park, he randomly came up with the idea for what would one day be the induction motor, one of his greatest inventions. However, Tesla didn't stay in Budapest for too long. He dreamed of setting sail for the United States, and at age 28, he finally did so. Not long after landing on America's rocky shores, he met a man named Thomas Edison.
HE WORKED WITH THOMAS EDISON

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If there were ever two inventors fated to be antagonists, it was Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison. Tesla possessed an intense, aloof, introverted personality, while Edison was a loud, boisterous businessman. According to the Tesla Memorial Society of New York, Tesla's immigration happened because of a recommendation letter that inventor Charles Batchelor wrote to Edison, stating, "I know two great men. One is you, and the other is this young man."
Inspired by their common fascination in electricity, Tesla journeyed to the U.S. with nothing but the clothes on his back, and a head buzzing with new ideas. He promptly went to work for Edison. At the time, Edison's company was using "direct current" electricity, and the newbie Tesla proposed an innovative idea: replacing the inefficient direct current setup with what Tesla called "alternating current." Edison scoffed at this, challenging Tesla to develop his ideas into a real invention. As incentive, Edison even offered the broke young European inventor a $50,000 reward, according to History.
So, Tesla gleefully pounced on the challenge, and within only a few months, he proudly offered Edison his successful results. One problem: Edison was a huge jerk about the whole thing, and he brushed Tesla off with a mean comment about how Tesla didn't understand "American humor." You can't blame Tesla for leaving Edison's company shortly afterward.
TESLA WAS RIGHT ABOUT ELECTRICITY
Here's the catch: Tesla was right, and Edison was wrong. Basically, the problem with Edison's direct current (DC) electricity setup was that it only flowed in one direction. Meanwhile, Tesla's groovy new alternating current (AC) changed direction 50 to 60 times a second, according to the Tesla Memorial Society of New York. Why did this matter? There are a lot of technical reasons, but basically, in addition to having inefficient lamps, Edison's setup required power stations to be built every 2 miles, making it a huge chore (and financial burden) to send power a long distance. Tesla's AC idea changed that.
After Edison stiffed Tesla his $50,000, Tesla responded by getting funding from George Westinghouse. Westinghouse saw the potential in AC, and decided to spread Tesla's invention across the country, powering the entire United States. The business war between Edison and Westinghouse/Tesla got pretty intense, but Tesla's technology won out because AC just ... worked better. Nothing personal.
Tesla's most notable victory came in 1896, when his AC invention harnessed the power of Niagara Falls, sending electricity all the way to Buffalo, New York. Using Niagara Falls as a power supply was a major achievement in its own right, but according to PBS, and it was also one of Tesla's childhood dreams.
THE WIZARD OF INVENTIONS

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Tesla crafted amazing new inventions at the same rate that some people change their socks. In addition to pioneering the use of AC, he also created the "Tesla coil," which would go on to become the basis of radio and TV today, according to Business Insider. History points out that he played around with X-rays, invented electric oscillators and meters, and worked with radio communications. As if that wasn't zany enough, Tesla then designed a remote-controlled boat, also described by History, which he hoped would forever end the use of battleships. He figured if he could create a warship that required no humans on board, it would mean less lives lost. Today, remote-controlled boats are mostly just a hobby.
One of Tesla's most infamous inventions was his supposed "earthquake machine," which he talked about to the New York World-Telegram in 1935, according to Rex Research. Tesla claimed his device could fit "in an overcoat pocket," and that he'd once triggered such a heavy earthquake in New York City that the police had rushed to his lab. Crazy, right? Mythbusters tried (and failed) to replicate his experiment, so who knows if the "earthquake machine" really worked.
ALL THE INVENTIONS HE DIDN'T FINISH

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The only thing more impressive than Tesla's inventions are the ones he dreamed up, but never completed. In an effort to end all wars, Tesla at one point developed plans for a "death beam," according to PBS, which he claimed would "send concentrated beams of particles through the free air, of such tremendous energy that they will bring down a fleet of 10,000 enemy airplanes at a distance of 250 miles." Tesla's idea was to develop a weapon so insanely powerful that it would deter any countries from ever invading each other again.
Tesla's otherworldly concepts hardly ended there. According to The Week, he envisioned a future wherein all labor would be automated. Factories would be run by robots, and cars would drive themselves. Yes, Tesla predicted the self-driving car back when the whole concept of "cars" was still fresher than a spring chicken.
Tesla's strangest claim of all came in 1901, when he said he'd received radio transmissions from Mars, as described in The Electrical Age. (If anyone ever did discover Martians, it would've been Tesla.) However, History says that in 1996, scientists replicated Tesla's experiments and found that the signals were just caused by the moon Io passing through Jupiter's magnetic field. Still, Tesla gave it his best shot.
HE BELIEVED IN A WORLD OF FREE ELECTRICITY

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Believe it or not, none of this stuff even touches the scope of Tesla's most ambitious project of all: he wanted to bring free wireless electricity to everyone in the world, according to Biography. In 1901, J.P. Morgan funded Tesla's dream of building a giant transmission tower on Long Island, which the inventor named Wardenclyffe. As unbelievably awesome as free, worldwide, wireless electricity sounds, the Wardenclyffe project hit a tragic stumbling block when Tesla's investors second-guessed whether he could actually pull it off. Keep in mind, back in 1901, the internet wasn't even a twinkle in anyone's eye, so the idea of free worldwide electricity seemed like something from a fairy tale.
Anyway, once the foundation was shaken, the project collapsed. First the staff got laid off in 1906, then the tower itself was foreclosed in 1915, and Tesla went into bankruptcy by 1917. As a result, Tesla's dream of bringing us free electricity never happened. The worst part about all this is that there's probably a parallel universe somewhere where Wardenclyffe did succeed, and those lucky alternate versions of us are enjoying the benefits of $0 utility bills to this day. Too bad Tesla didn't figure out a reality-switching invention.
HE AND MARK TWAIN WERE GOOD FRIENDS

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Nikola Tesla wasn't known for having many friends, close associates, or even romantic partners. According to EDN, the man was so devoted to his science that he remained celibate throughout his life, believing love and marriage would interfere with his work.
However, Tesla did have one good friend you've probably heard of: Mark Twain, the author of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. Twain, whose real name was Samuel Clemens, was close enough to Tesla that, according to the book Nikola Tesla: A Spark of Genius, the legendary writer was given a free pass to visit the legendary inventor's laboratory whenever he pleased. As described in James O'Neill's Prodigal Genius: The Life of Nikola Tesla, Clemens once was the victim of a rather brilliant Tesla prank, wherein the inventor asked Clemens if he wanted to test out his new vibrating mechanical oscillator device. To convince him to do so, Tesla claimed that Clemens would feel renewed "vigor and vitality" from the machine. Instead, the heavy vibrations caused Clemens to have a bowel spasm, and the author had to sprint to the nearest bathroom.
Despite the shock of this event, the two remained friends. It's a historical buddy comedy waiting to happen.
THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE, TESLA LIVED WITH MENTAL ILLNESS
Nikola Tesla experienced mental illness throughout his life, and he lived in an era where such things were not properly understood or discussed. According to History, the first signs of this manifested early in Tesla's childhood, when he claimed to see "visions" after the death of his brother Daniel. From that point on, Tesla's symptoms only become more prevalent as he aged. Tesla was intensely careful about avoiding germs. He washing his hands constantly, always using fresh towels, and avoided handshakes at all costs, according to O'Neill's Prodigal Genius. He strove to sleep only two hours a night, believing three was too much time wasted. Between these traits and his obsession with the number three — he reportedly always walked around a building three times before entering it, washed his hands three times in a row, and so on — it's often been theorized that Tesla may have had obsessive-compulsive disorder, according to the Huffington Post.
The Smithsonian raises the possibility that he also may have been on the autism spectrum, citing his self-described intense sensitivity to sounds, his excellent sensory awareness, and his violent dislike for both pearls and women's earrings, the mere sight of which were enough to, in his words, "almost give me a fit."
HE LIVED A DIFFICULT LIFE

Old Tesla
Aside from his mental illness, Tesla's life was extremely difficult in many respects. Perhaps most significantly, the great inventor was usually broke, down on his luck, and badly in debt. According to History, Tesla at one point worked a manual labor job where he dug ditches for $2 a day. In his later years, his introverted tendencies grew into an intensely reclusive nature. After the financial collapse of Tesla's beloved Wardenclyffe project, the brilliant man withdrew further and further into mental illness, becoming a hermit. His final years were spent living on the 33rd floor of the New Yorker Hotel, his primary companion being the pigeons who visited him there. Tesla reportedly spoke to these pigeons, becoming particularly close to one female pigeon whom he claimed to love as if she were a human being.
According to the Smithsonian, one of Tesla's final reports described this female pigeon visiting him at his hotel window one night, apparently to inform the inventor that she was dying. Tesla claimed to see glowing light in the bird's eyes, brighter than his own lightbulbs, and he allowed his beloved avian friend to die in his arms. According to Tesla, this strange incident was a sign that he had completed his life's work and was ready to move on.
HE ONCE PAID AN OVERDUE BILL WITH A 'DEATH BEAM'
In an interview with National Geographic, Tesla Science Center president Jane Alcorn explained that Tesla had such frequent money problems because, unlike his rival Thomas Edison, Tesla didn't care about making money. Tesla's goal was to help the world, as exhibited by his grand worldwide electricity ambitions. However, like any other member of society, Tesla still had to pay the bills, and his cash woes led to some creative solutions.
In what might be the best practical joke of all time, Tesla once paid for an overdue hotel bill by giving the managers a little wooden box which he said contained a working model of his infamous "death beam," according to History. Yeah, you read that right. No cash, no credit card, just a little box with an apocalyptic weapon of mass destruction inside it. To sweeten the deal, Tesla warned the managers to never, ever, ever open the box, for their own safety. The fearful managers heeded his warning because no one wants to set off a death beam, but when the box was finally opened years later, after Tesla's death, the only thing inside it was a bunch of scrappy old electrical components. Nice one, Nikola.
DEATH AND RESURGENCE
Like so many of history's greatest mavericks, Nikola Tesla never truly received the respect he deserved. By the time he died in his hotel room in 1943, he was seen as more of a bizarre science fiction spectacle than a brilliant icon, a perception which the Smithsonian argues may have been created by Tesla's "willingness to play the mad scientist," by making wild claims in tabloid magazines. According to a New York Times piece from 1984, it wasn't until nearly 40 years after Tesla's death that society began to acknowledge the sheer magnitude of his impact on the world, and to realize how great his contributions truly were.
In the past few decades, public perception of Tesla has been coming around. According to National Geographic, a brand new Tesla statue was unveiled on Long Island in 2013. The Wardenclyffe site has been converted into the Tesla Science Center. The airport in Belgrade, Serbia, proudly displays Nikola Tesla's name. And of course, there's Elon Musk's famous Tesla company, which follows Nikola's path by developing new technologies for the future. Though Nikola Tesla struggled throughout his life, the history books will look back on him fondly.
Lessons from Nikola Tesla’s Life Story
As unusual as Nikola Tesla was, we can’t deny all the wisdom, purpose and will that make his life story what it is.
He once worked for 84 hours straight, without sleeping. That’s how passionate he was about the work he was doing. He spoke 8 languages and left the world with more than 300 patents. He admits he never cared about money, the laws of physics were his religion instead. The great inventor believes in doing our best in order to create a better future.
“Our virtues and our failings are inseparable, like force and matter. When they separate, man is no more.”

Nikolas Tesla Monument within Queen Victoria Park
Here at the link we have a speech and a conversation by nikolas tesla: WARNING, THERE ARE TWO VERY AND VERY LARGE TEXTS TAKE THE POPCORN AND READ.
Tesla’s “Power Banquet” Speech
https://teslasciencecenter.org/announcements/teslas-power-banquet-speech/
PRESENTATION OF THE EDISON MEDAL TO NIKOLA TESLA.
http://www.tfcbooks.com/tesla/1917-05-08.htm
And for those who like to read nikolas tesla books:
http://www.tfcbooks.com/default.htm
Some books by Nikolas Tesla:
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=nikola+tesla&dc&ref=a9_sc_1
Tesla Gun (Will it be the main weapon? XD)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=37&v=_fTC_Ud_k3U&feature=emb_logo
Tesla Coil
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqwj5bACKbU
FARADAY SUIT RENTALS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqEesFaboV4
ELECTRICITY FIGHT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FpjcOWwiI4
Nikolas Tesla rocker roll
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Snibt3CNqBA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdrqdW4Miao
(It would be really funny if Tesla entered the arena playing his rock in the same way XD XD)
Levitation With A Tesla Coil ???? (hahahaha)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeFNg0Sz10I
Tesla Coils music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee5evlN8Bbs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-f6GijQXaBI
(When you invite palpatine to be your DJ)

´´Education has bitter roots, but its fruits are sweet.`` Aristotle
submitted by Niko69lol to ShuumatsuNoValkyrie [link] [comments]


2020.05.27 16:59 SkyBruceLee23 [TH] GRANDMOTHER 🔫👵 LOVELY

Grandmother Lovely
By
Skye Woods
Maria Alvarez's heart slammed against her chest after she watched two police officers shoot an innocent African-American teenager. The teenager who suffered being killed was a thirteen-year-old honor roll student. The young man was a hero because before being killed by the police he had just saved a little boy from being hit by a car while walking to school. Instead of being thanked by the child’s mother for his heroic actions, the teenager ended up getting shot to death by two racist police officers, who thought he was reaching for a gun.
The teenager got into an altercation with the two policemen, when the two officers said that he fit the profile of a wanted suspect. The policemen killed the teenager, even after they witnessed him saving a child’s life. Maria felt outraged after witnessing the two policemen shoot an innocent thirteen-year-old boy to death.
When Maria woke up in the morning, she somehow knew that two cops would shoot an innocent teenager right in front of her house. Sometimes she could see the future and she knew that the policemen would kill the teenager because the child’s Nubian black skin color made him a threat, even after he saved a two-year-old baby from being struck by a car. Maria knew that the two policemen would shoot the teenager, and she also knew what it felt like to have a bullet inside her. One night while Maria was at a gas station, an attacker tried to rob her and he ended up shooting her multiple times in her back and in her chest. But Maria didn’t even have to go to the hospital that night after being shot eleven times by the carjacker.
She ended up killing the carjacker when he attempted to steal her SUV with her four-year-old grandson still in the backseat. The carjacker threatened to shoot Maria’s grandbaby if she attempted to stop him from stealing her car. The carjacker underestimated Maria thinking she was an average helpless old lady.
Maria broke the carjacker’s neck with one arm and she dislocated the man’s arm before officially killing him. Maria killed plenty of criminals over the years, and the carjacker was one of many. Maria was a sixty-three-year-old woman who used to be a rock musician, and she looked younger than her age. She had spiky silver hair that had a purplish tinge. She wore earrings shaped like skull heads and she also wore a silver ring in her nose. Since Maria was a huge rock fan and a former rock artist herself, she had the logo of the rock band Van Halen tattooed on her right arm, and she tattooed the young face of rocker Jon Bon Jovi on her left.
Maria was a very attractive old lady and her clothing style was gothic. She loved wearing her black dresses and her black leather motorcycle jacket. Maria’s gothic fashion blended well with her very shapely and well-sculpted breasts and hips. She found it funny that at her age she still would get asked out on dates by younger men who were old enough to be her grandsons. Maria would have to reject the advances of younger men because number one, she was too old for them, and number two, she wasn’t ready to enter the dating scene again. The last man Maria dated was her husband.
Maria had to watch her husband die all because she refused to do a job for a London crime lord, and she also refused to do a job for the boss of an underground Japanese crime syndicate. Maria had a dark past that went with her. She used to be a former rock musician, but her rock career was only her part-time job. Maria used to be an agent for the CIA, and she was one of the best operatives the CIA ever had. But Maria ended up getting laid off from her job because of government budget cuts and new CIA recruitments who were far younger than her and could do the job longer.
It didn’t hurt Maria when she lost her job, but she tried to search for a new job that demanded her skill set, which was killing people. When Maria first joined the CIA, she didn’t start out as a killer, but a hero. It was fun at first when she had to execute a terrorist leader or a corrupt politician, but things took a dark turn for Maria when she had to carry out assassinations that required killing innocent people. Maria was an efficient killer, and she could execute using anything as a weapon.
She once killed a man ten times her size using a screwdriver and when she had a gun in her hand, she had a special gift at shooting with deadly precision. One time she had to assassinate five men who were terrorists, and she ended up killing all five of the men using one handgun that only had two bullets. She killed three men using one bullet, and she killed the other two men using her hands instead of the gun. Maria loved using knives and swords. She perfected the art of knife throwing and her favorite sharp weapon was a sword.
She remembered after getting hired as an assassin; Her boss gave her a contract to kill a rival London crime boss. After Maria lost her job with the CIA, she began looking for a job that paid and she knew that becoming a contract killer wasn’t the best option, but she did it because working as a cashier at a local Walmart wasn’t paying enough. Maria remembered the night she had to kill the London crime lord. She remembered how he was a burly and rugged man who collected Samurai swords and displayed them on the wall of his office inside of a nightclub he owned.
Maria remembered the look on the London crime boss’s face when he tried to shoot her using his machine gun. The man watched in shock as Maria slapped down every single bullet that came out of his machine gun. She even sliced some bullets in half using one of his Samurai swords. The London crime lord never thought he’d see an old woman do something that was impossible, and he also never thought a beautiful old lady would end up chopping off his head using one of his Samurai swords. Maria remembered what she was wearing the night she chopped the London gangster’s head off.
She remembered how his blood splattered all over her black leather jacket and the white sleeveless dress she wore beneath it. Maria never forgot how she carried the London crime lord’s head with one hand while using the Samurai sword in her other hand to slaughter thirty of the London crime lord’s bodyguards. Maria remembered how she turned a South East London nightclub into a war zone using the sword to execute one man after the next. Young men and women were on the nightclub’s dance floor, moving to the sound of hip-hop and electro dance music.
The young men and women were oblivious to Maria who was running and flipping across the nightclub’s floor avoiding gunfire and chopping off heads, arms, and legs using her sword. This was the night that Maria discovered she had supernatural powers. While fighting inside the nightclub, Maria ended up getting shot thirty times. But the bullet wounds would heal in a matter of seconds, and Maria couldn’t feel the pain of the gunshots. The nightclub became vacant when Maria started shooting explosions of white fire out of her hands. All the young men and women who were dancing to the club music ran from the nightclub. Maria was alone standing in the middle of the dark club holding a London crime lord’s head in her hand and looking around at the sea of dead men’s bodies that surrounded her bare feet.
It was a night to remember for Maria. She thought about how she was racing through the streets of London on her motorcycle, holding a man’s severed head and realizing that she was the world’s most dangerous assassin at fifty-nine-years-old, which was her age at the time. Being an assassin at first felt good for a moment, but Maria soon grew tired of killing people. She didn’t mind executing criminals, but she had a problem with killing innocent people. Maria had to find a way out even though she knew there would be consequences.
Becoming a contract killer gave Maria a one-hundred-thousand-dollars a year, and Maria enjoyed the money, but she felt that she was losing her soul. There was an underground secret society for contract killers that Maria was a part of. The only way you could leave the society was by sacrificing a loved one. Maria didn’t want to lose her husband, but it was the only way she could get out of the game. Her husband, Frank, even agreed to have himself killed so that his wife could be free from being a member of the underground world of assassins.
Maria remembered how her husband blew a kiss at her before getting shot in his head at point-blank range. This story could have ended sadly, but just because Maria watched her husband get shot right in front of her doesn’t mean he died. Maria soon discovered that she had the ability to resurrect the dead, and that’s what she did to her husband. Maria never forgot how she almost gave her daughter Jenny a heart attack.
When Jenny went to visit her mother, she almost went into shock when she saw her father sitting at the dining room table after just attending his funeral a month ago. Maria had a lot of explaining to do to her daughter and even after explaining her supernatural gift to Jenny, Jenny couldn’t believe it. Maria tried to explain to her daughter that after she became a born again Christian, she felt something enter her body.
It was something that Maria never felt before like a supernatural charge running through her veins. Maria also told her daughter she was a former assassin and that she used her God-given gift to resurrect all the innocent people the government sent her to kill. It was a hard thing to explain to her daughter, but God helped her. Maria was a goddess or at least that’s what she felt like, thanks to the God she believed in. God had given her powerful gifts and now every criminal who lived in the state of Texas feared Maria because she had become a new assassin. She was an assassin who now worked for God instead of working for a crime boss.
Maria had a smile on her face when she first woke up in the morning. She did not know that she would walk out on her front porch to witness a child get shot to death by two trigger-happy police officers. Before she saw the policemen shoot and kill the teenager, Maria could hear the boy shouting at the two policemen.
“Man, fuck y’all! I was just walking to school, and I ran out into the street to save this baby from being hit by a car! Now y’all gonna try to arrest me and I didn’t even do nothing!” That’s what Maria heard the black teenager say to the policemen through his tears. While arguing with the policemen, the teenager reached for his smartphone in his back pocket so he could call his mom.
When Maria walked out on her front porch, that’s when she saw the teenager reaching for his phone, and that’s when she witnessed the two policemen open fire on the child, assuming that he was reaching for a firearm. It enraged Maria to see that after the two policemen discovered that the teenager didn’t have a weapon, to exclude themselves of committing murder, the two policemen planted a small twenty-two caliber pistol in the dead teenager’s hand, to make it look like the child was armed and that the officers were only defending themselves.
This angered Maria. It angered her so much that she crushed in her hand a hot cup of coffee she was drinking. Maria looked down at the blood and the broken pieces of glass in her hand that used to be a coffee mug. The gothic grandmother watched as the bloody cuts in her hand healed up in an instant. Maria’s body transformed into a state of invincibility and she was a sixty-three-year-old woman who now had bulletproof skin, thanks to God. Through her years of working for the CIA, Maria witnessed countless acts of racism.
She realized that the U.S. government was the biggest racist organization in the world. Maria was glad that the CIA ended her employment after she secretly discovered a top-secret government program that involved killing off all African Americans. The government planned to release a bioweapon into the drinking water that ran through inner-city neighborhoods and places heavily populated with blacks.
Besides corrupting the water filtration plants near inner-city neighborhoods, Maria also discovered how the government was using law enforcement to kill off young African Americans. But what Maria discovered was only the tip of the iceberg. There were darker government secrets, and one of them involved a top-secret program called Operation Nightfall. The Operation Nightfall program involved creating a neuro-gas that was colorless and odorless and could only affect the minds of people of African American descent. The name of this neuro-gas was X714.
Once X714 becomes inhaled through the nose and mouth of an African American man, woman, or child, it triggers chemicals in the brain such as Serotonin that causes deep depression and suicidal tendencies. The government planned to not only use X714 to kill off African Americans in the United States but they also planned to use their bio-weapons throughout the world, especially in Africa and in Haiti.
X714 would exterminate every starving baby, every mother, every father, every African tribe and all African families who lived in every African continent. X714 would cause every person of color to fall into a deep depression and commit suicide, along with every black person living in the U.S. and across the world. X714 would affect African American celebrities and even an African American woman who was the president of the United States. It was the rise of a deadly bio-engineered disease that would cause an already oppressed race of people to kill themselves, and soon the African race would become extinct.
X714 was in its early stages of development. The government released samples of the weapon into the air over parts of Chicago such as the Southside, and in parts of California, such as Compton, Los Angeles. The government still had to work a few bugs out of X714, because instead of causing suicides, it would cause black on black crime, race riots, and irrational violence and anger with African American young men. Black people were still destroying themselves through poverty, drugs, criminal activity, and gang violence because of X714, but it wasn’t the way the government wanted blacks to kill themselves. Committing suicide was a much cleaner and efficient way of destroying a race of people.
It would take years to make X714 perfect so that the bio-engineered chemical weapon could do what the government designed it to do. At first, the government considered bringing slavery back, but they felt that eradicating black people altogether was a better plan. X714 would be the answer to a racist white person’s prayer. There would not be any more prejudice towards black people and fear towards black people thanks to X714. The little mind of a racist white man or woman would be at peace because they didn’t have to worry about their sons and daughters marrying a black person or worrying about black families moving into their neighborhood.
Thanks to the U.S. government, X714 was on the rise and Operation Nightfall was starting its process of destruction. But the U.S. government and their brilliant team of military scientists had a problem. That problem was Maria Alvarez. A grandmother who was a former rock musician, a former CIA agent and a former assassin who would cause the U.S. government a world of trouble because of her God-given supernatural abilities. Maria would not stop and she was a powerful and relentless killer. Imagine the fictional action movie hero, John Wick, only if John Wick was a beautiful Hispanic sixty-three-year-old woman with short spiky hair and supernatural gifts. It was all going to crash and burn for the U.S. government.
Maria stood on the steps of her porch watching the two policemen who were standing over the black teenager’s body mumbling to each other and speaking into their police radios. Maria felt herself becoming more infuriated while listening to the conversation between the two policemen. They were talking as if they were at a restaurant. Maria could see that one policeman was far younger than his partner. He had blonde hair and a clean-shaven face with a medium build and pale white skin. Maria thought the younger policeman had a boyish face. He looked like a nerdy little boy with a man’s body which irritated Maria. From his looks, she could tell that he was a rookie.
The much older policeman looked ruggedly handsome in the face. He looked like the cowboy type, sporting a thick gray mustache, a three-day beard and experienced wrinkles in his square-shaped face. Gray peppered his hair, and he was balding a little at the top of his head. The older cop had a bigger and bulkier body compared to his younger partner. The older policeman also wore dark aviator sunglasses that concealed his lifeless eyes. Maria began to saunter down the steps of her home while listening to what the older policeman was saying to his younger partner.
“We’re not getting in trouble for this,” the older policeman stated.
“Yeah, but he didn’t have a gun.” The young policeman said.
“That’s why we planted the gun on him to make it look like he had one. We want this execution to look legitimate to the public.” The older policeman gave his partner a confident smile.
“It felt good firing a gun for the first time.” The younger policeman chuckled. But he was looking around to see who was watching the two of them.
“Yeah, it always feels good firing a gun for the first time. Now we shot this boy, but we shot a black boy which is a good thing because we’re only doing our jobs as government officials. We’re doing what our government wants us to do. We’re supposed to annihilate some of these black folks, but make it look subtle and accidental,” the older policeman told his partner through his Southern drawl while gently nudging the black teenager’s dead body with the tip of his cowboy boot. “We shoot unarmed black kids all the time because we’re supposed to. That’s our job now given to us by our government. Once we report this to the organization director, we’ll go grab something to eat.” The older policeman patted his partner on the back while turning his head and looking to see Maria, who was approaching them from behind. The older policeman at first didn’t know how to react to Maria, who was creeping up towards the residential street where the two cops were standing.
“What’s the matter?” The younger policeman asked before turning his head and seeing Maria approaching them. “You want me to stop her? It looks like she’s coming over here.” The young policeman didn’t even wait for an answer. He turned around and began telling Maria to stay back. “Excuse me, ma’am. We’re gonna need you to stay back.” The younger policeman spoke calmly as he began approaching Maria with his hands out in front of him, trying to stop her.
When the young policeman placed his hands on Maria’s arms, it was the worst thing he ever did. The young policeman screamed when Maria took hold of one of his hands and began crushing it like it was a soda pop can. The young policeman screamed out in pain as he heard the bones breaking in his hand, which sounded like tree branches getting snapped in half.
“I’m sorry,” Maria hissed out her insincere apology to the young policeman while crushing his hand down flat like a pancake and balling it up like it was a piece of paper. The young policeman screamed for his partner to help him as he watched his hand get turned into mush. The policeman wanted to reach for his gun, but he was in too much pain. Maria made things even worse for the young policeman when she reached down and grabbed the area where his penis and testicles were.
The young policeman stopped screaming because the pain of feeling his penis and testicles getting crushed made his vocal cords lock up. After feeling the pain of a fist pierce through his torso combined with the earth-shattering pain of getting his genitals crushed, the young policeman’s heart stopped beating.
Maria lifted the young policeman’s two hundred pound body off the ground by his throat after removing her fist from the police officer’s stomach. While Maria was mutilating the young policeman’s body, she was getting shot at by the older policeman who became overwhelmed with terror by what he was seeing. The older policeman was already horrified after watching Maria punch her fist straight through his partner’s stomach, but he was even more horrified because he couldn’t kill Maria no matter how many times he shot at her.
The older policeman ended up unloading his gun on Maria. He watched as the bullets passed through Maria’s body and he saw how the bullet holes disappeared on her body, leaving behind not a single trace of blood. The older policeman dropped his gun on the ground with his body full of desperate fear. He watched Maria hurl his partner’s body into the air. The young policeman’s dead body landed on top of the hood of his squad car putting a huge dent in its hood.
The older policeman thought the world was ending as he looked into the cunning hazel-gray eyes of a beautiful old Hispanic lady, who was approaching him with fire shooting out of her hands. Maria’s shapely hips were rotating beneath her tight-fitting denim blue jeans. Her wide breast bounced beneath her black sleeveless blouse and her skull pendant earrings were wildly swinging back and forth on her ears from every hard step she made towards the older policeman. It seemed like everything was moving in slow motion for the older policeman as he took off his sunglasses and dropped them on the ground while watching a blast of white fire head towards him. The pain was beyond excruciating. The older policeman went into shock as he felt his skin burning and melting away.
He never thought he would experience getting burned alive, and it was an experience that Maria forced him to endure. The fire had engulfed the policeman’s body, and it made him look like a walking, screaming human torch. Maria folded her arms while watching the older policeman’s burning body slowly stumble down the street before collapsing to the ground like a burning pile of rubble.
Maria could smell the fire cooking the policeman’s flesh, which reminded Maria of the smell of hamburgers cooking on a grill. After destroying the two policemen, Maria laid her eyes down on the body of the teenager who was lying on the sidewalk a few feet away from her driveway.
While kneeling down on the ground beside the teenager’s body, Maria looked around to see people standing outside their homes and on the sidewalk watching her. Maria waved and smiled at her shocked neighbors while holding the African American teenager’s body across her lap. She took her attention off the shocked faces of her neighbors and put her eyes back down on the teenager’s face, with her fingers stroking through his well-trimmed afro.
Maria could feel the blood leaking out of the bullet holes in the teenager’s body. While stroking the child’s head, she began healing all the bullet wounds on his body. Even his blood that stained the fabric of his blue basketball jersey was disappearing. While bringing the thirteen-year-old back to life, Maria admired the young man’s handsomeness. She admired his Nubian dark skin and his strong but baby-like facial features. She could see how his puberty was setting in from the peach fuzz beneath his nose, which would soon become a full mustache once he reached his twenties.
A silver necklace hung around the teenager’s neck and it had a pendant hanging off of it which were two diamond-encrusted letters. The letters that hung from the necklace said JD, which were the child’s initials. Maria caressed her hand across a bullet hole in the child’s left arm. She also waved her hand across a bullet hole in the teenager’s neck. After removing twelve bullet holes in the teenager’s body, it was time to wake him up.
“Wake up, baby,” Maria whispered down to the teenager with her hand caressing his face. She adjusted the child’s body across her lap before restarting his heart causing the thirteen-year-old to wake up gasping for air. The young man began taking air into his lungs and coughing as he opened up his eyes and looked up, to see a sweet but edgy faced old lady looking back down at him and giving him a loving smile.
The teenager studied the silver ring in Maria’s nose and the silver stud pierced in her lip. He looked at her shimmering skull head earrings and he also noticed that Maria had a missing eyebrow. The teenager could see that Maria had a slight purplish color in her silvery short hair, and he admired her pretty but edgy facial features. The teenager had never seen such a cool looking old woman, and he had never seen an old lady with tattoos on her shapely arms.
“Wow! Who are you?” The teenager asked Maria while looking at her through his cocoa-brown eyes filled with confusion and wonder. The young man watched as Maria slowly leaned down to kiss him on his forehead.
Maria never answered the teenager’s question. The grandmother only smiled at the thirteen-year-old boy while gazing down at the lost expression on his face. She held the teenager in her lap while gazing down into his eyes for a good long time and stroking her fingers through his soft mini afro.
The End
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2020.03.31 18:28 ThatGloverGuy [Astral Son] Chapter 4

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CHAPTER 4: FOUR OF HEARTS
Flint gasped as he awakened, bouncing gently on his mattress. He squeezed the sheets beneath him tightly, until he was sure that he wasn’t actually falling. His grip loosened with relief. Above him was his ceiling, and across the room was his wall. Beneath him he felt his bed. He wondered how he’d gotten back home, and alive for that matter.
He remembered his mother’s powdery blue skin, a sucker-punch, and a mustached cowboy. His mouth was dry and tasted like modeling clay and sour milk. Everything will go back to normal, he thought. He was home now, but it felt as unfamiliar as the foggy memory of a dream.
Flint tumbled from his bed and wrapped his arms around himself, shielding as much of his body as he could from the cold, stagnant air. He was surprised, and somewhat relieved to still be wearing his blue jeans. Burrowed deep in his skull, a stabbing pain throbbed as he gained his balance.
His bare feet felt like scotch tape against the icy, hardwood floor.
“Shit, shit. What time is it?” a soft, familiar voice spoke from behind him.
Flint leaped sideways, nearly tearing his thin black curtains from the rod as he skidded into them. With a ball of bunched blanket in her lap, the young waitress sat upright on his bed. She yawned and scratched her ribs. Her hair, let down in a tangled, fiery mess, hung over her shoulder.
“What are you doing here?” Flint asked, still partially shielding himself with the drapes.
“What?” she asked.
“How did you get here?” Flint looked around the bed for clues. “How did I get here?”
“You can’t be serious.” She wiggled her little finger in her ear, poking her pink tongue from the corner of her mouth. A tattered Led-Zeppelin tee shirt that once belonged to the too-old-to-wear, but too-lazy-to-throw-away portion of Flint’s closet, covered her torso.
Flint shook his head in disbelief.
“You’re serious.” She pushed Flint’s heavy blanket down below her feet.
Flint brushed his fingers through his hair, tugging at the small, twisted knots. “I must’ve blacked out,” he said under his breath.
He hadn’t brought home many dates over the years. Actually he had brought home exactly zero dates over the years. It wasn’t that he had a problem obtaining the interest of girls. The problem persisted more in gaining the courage to explain to them that they would have to hitch a ride with one of his buddies, and that when they got to his house they would have to sneak through the window to avoid waking his mother, whom he still lived with as a fully grown adult.
“Okay.” Flint shook his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember. Did we-”
She playfully dropped her jaw. “Did we what?”
“You know,” he said, raising his eyebrows.
The girl pulled a cell phone from under his pillow, looked at it, and slid it back into its place. “Did I have sex with you?”
Flint stared silently.
“Wow. You really did black out. Didn’t you? No. We didn’t.” She smirked. Her pale, freckled cheeks turned rosy pink.
He rubbed his temples. “Yeah.”
He noticed the clothes spilling over the lip of the plastic laundry basket at the foot of the bed. Soda cans, food wrappers, and an assortment of other junk cluttered the desk by the window. He wished he’d had a chance to clean his room.
She flopped back onto the pillow and pulled the warm blanket to her chin. “You had me fooled. You were acting pretty weird. But I thought that punch must’ve sobered you up. You seemed alright to me.”
Flint stretched his jaw side-to-side. “This is going to sound bad, but can you remind me what your name was- is?”
“Typical.” Her teeth peeked out through her lips. “It's Abbey. You goin’ to sing me off to sleep again?”
“What?”
“It was beautiful. Wildly out of tune, but very nice,” she giggled.
“Awesome,” he said sarcastically. “Well. Abbey. I’m going to go shower and see if I can avoid any more embarrassment. Make yourself at home.” He gazed around his littered floor once more and cringed.
He drug his feet to the restroom, showered, and brushed the foul taste from his mouth.
In the kitchen it was dark, and heavy. The doorway to the living room was littered with tatters of torn paper, and yellowing Polaroid photographs recently removed from a stack of three-ring binder photo books. Flint knelt down and picked one up. His mother sat on the trunk of a sunflower-yellow 1980’s Trans Am, young and pregnant without a care in the world.
Between the photo books, and the torn, yellow pages with phone numbers and addresses, was a void in the clutter, a clean section of flooring the size and shape of a prone human. He imagined her sitting there crying above vomit, and old memories. Above that, on the old wooden door frame, a scale of lines was scribbled with dates beside them that had marked his growth as a boy. Nearest the floor, at the first line, was his father’s handwriting. It was only a date, “3-17-1995”, however, to Flint, it was a reminder that his father was more than a man in a photograph.
“Hey, you want t—” Abbey said cheerfully. “Oh, are you alright?” she asked, peeking her head around the door. Flint snapped out of his expressionless gaze. “Hm?” “I’m starving. Wanna go get some breakfast?” Abbey asked.
“Sure.” Flint stroked the recessed numbers on the doorframe with his thumb.
He rummaged his things together, and walked outside to a very feminine VW Bug parked askew in the driveway. Short snippets of the previous night came and went, snapping like firecrackers then retreating into smudged, watercolor images.
Beside the lump of dull grief in his belly was an uneasy feeling of uncertainty and anxiety, like any second the world was going to open up and swallow him, and his new friend.
The little red bug bumped and swayed along the interstate. Flint caught himself squeezing the handle above the door a couple of times before feeling foolish and biting his nails instead.
A massive sixteen-wheeled Mack semi-truck whipped out of its lane, narrowly missing the tiny hatchback cruising in front of Flint and Abbey.
“Seriously!” Abbey’s southern twang seemed even more exaggerated when pointing and shouting at passing vehicles.
“Pull your head out of your ass!” she shouted. Flint unclenched his eyes, relaxed his outstretched legs, and checked to see if she’d noticed his cowardice. “What exactly happened at the bar last night?” Flint asked.
Abbey shifted her concentration from the road to Flint, still scowling. “Which part?”
“Whatever you can tell me.” Flint tongued the rubbery flap of torn flesh on the inside of his cheek. “Should I be worried?”
“I don’t know. You seemed a little lost. You were obviously not in your right mind, talking to yourself about cards or something.” Abbey paused before quickly adding, “Which is understandable considering what happened.”
Flint perked up in the little leather bucket seat. “Right! The magic trick.”
She looked at him from the corner of her eyes. “What?” “Nothing.” Flint smiled. “And after that? What happened after that?”
“Well, I was coming to bring you another beer and out of nowhere, that prick snuck behind you and punched you. Hard. I don’t know what he was on about but-”
Flint interrupted. “Wait.” He looked at her confused. “Back up. Before I got hit, what happened?”
“Like I said, you were just drinking and talking to yourself. I thought you were off your rocker, but I guess that punch sobered you up. I got you cleaned up, and you spent the rest of the night as sweet as can be.”
His head nearly collided with the window as Abbey overtook three lanes to enter an off-ramp. “I was with that guy, John. He was doing some kind of card trick.”
Abbey laughed, tilting her head back against the headrest. “Very funny.” She looked at Flint and smiled. “I like you, Flint.”
Flint’s eyes darted around the car as he further scrutinized his memories. She continued to smile as she sped down the access road. He saw John’s mustached face in his mind. It was less an image, and more a feeling. Like a dream on the cusp of his memory.
Abbey hand-cranked her window down, and lit a minty cigarette. Flint craned his neck nonchalantly and watched her exhale through her nose. Smoke wisps danced and skated along the dashboard before being swiftly vacuumed through the cracked window.
“Anyways,” she said. “You told me about what happened with your mom, and that you were going to walk home, and you don’t seem threatening, so I took you home.”
The smell of burned tobacco was drowned out by the stench of downtown Lanely Hills. The rotten wind that blew in from the paper-mill mingled with the air moving through the town’s many vagrant-filled alleys, creating a slightly sweet, slightly suffocating aroma.
Abbey veered into the parking lot of an old Waffle House. A scraggly old man walked his bike past the car as they stepped out. “Fine day, Fine day,” he mumbled, holding out a mitted hand as he went by.
Inside, they took a seat at the far end of the restaurant. The plump waitress poured them each a cup of coffee and took their orders. Flint looked at the menu, did a couple of elementary math problems on his fingers beneath the table, and decided that he’d be able to pay for both of their breakfasts. He figured it was the least he could do after she babysat him for the night.
“Thanks,” Flint said.
She tilted her head. Her hair tickled the table in front of her. “For what?”
“For getting me back home alive.” Flint had a hard time maintaining eye contact with her. Her confidence outmatched him.
She squinted as she grinned. “You’re very welcome. I can’t believe you’re handling everything so well.”
Flint took his elbows off the table and put his hands in his lap. “Yeah well-” He looked at the wet floor across the room. “I don’t know if it’s hit me yet.”
A man seated three tables behind Abbey caught Flint’s attention. The man had a perfect handlebar moustache and a denim, pearl-snap shirt. He tapped his finger nail against his coffee mug to a slow, rhythmic beat. Flint’s stomach began to float, and the warmth rushed from his face. The mustached man looked up from his menu. He smiled, nodded and looked down into his mug, gently swirling its contents.
Flint felt Abbey staring at him and eased his eyes toward her, his lungs pulling his chest in and out. “Are you alright?” she asked with worry in her eyes. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Wide eyed, Flint leaned over and looked at the man again. “Look behind you.”
“What?” Abbey twisted in her chair. “What exactly am I looking for?” She turned back to Flint and leaned toward him. “Do we need to leave?” she whispered.
Flint tapped his feet nervously, now half-sitting on the bench-seat. “Who dresses like that?”
Abbey looked behind her again, her head turning, scanning the room. She smiled nervously. “Who?”
The night before was slipping back into his memory. John was smiling, and polite when they’d talked at the bar. He was a bit rough around the edges, but not quite threatening. Flint wondered what he’d forgotten about the man.
Flint looked over Abbey’s shoulder, meeting eyes with the man once again. Flint felt compelled to break into a full sprint for the door. Fear of embarrassment alone kept him in his seat.
Abbey turned and looked over her backrest. John was sitting, he took a sip from his mug and seemed to sarcastically tip his hat with his forefinger and thumb. Flint smiled back and locked eyes with Abbey and started to speak but was cut off by the look of confusion on the pretty girl's face.
“Flint, are you playing with me or not?”
Flint pressed his hands against the table and whispered loudly. “You don’t see the fucking cowboy sitting right behind you?”
Backing deeper into the seat, Abbey glared back at him silently.
Flint shook his head. “Sorry. I- um. I don’t know what-” He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “I’m going to step out for a minute. I’ll be back before the food. Sorry.”
Flint stood and banged his knees as he exited the booth.
John stood also. He gulped down the rest of his steaming coffee and followed Flint toward the doors. Flint noticed the husky man through his peripherals, trotting behind at a distance. He noticed he was holding his breath as he walked.
Outside, the frigid air splashed around his face. He exhaled and instinctually covered his mouth and nose. A guttural laugh came from behind, and a massive hand slapped him between his shoulders.
“Those folks from up North are proud of how miserable their cold is. They don’t know about this wet cold. You step outside and you might as well be swimming in the arctic sea.” John flicked open the lid to his lighter and began to burn the tip of a cigar.
Flint was holding his breath again.
He squeezed his hands into a ball, wiggling his fingers tighter. He stared up at the towering man and spread his feet, waiting for an opening to sock the old man.
“Settle down there buddy. You're lookin’ at me like I took your lunch money.” John laughed, holding one hand on his ten gallon hat, the other with a finger hooked through his belt loop. He looked similar to the man he remembered from the bar, but there was something different about him. Flint couldn’t put his finger on it. It was as if he was wearing a thick coat of make-up. Even the complexion of his clothes, the same outfit as the previous night, seemed vibrant and unworn.
“Easy, partner. Relax. What’s got you all worked up?” John squinted his cold-blue eyes.
Flint looked through the window behind John. Abbey was laying her cheek on her fist looking back out at him. Turning slowly, Flint walked nonchalantly to the side of the restaurant, out of Abbey’s view. “Are you following me?” he asked.
John nodded.
Flint stepped back and examined his face. The man was as stoic as a statue. “Well, do you mind telling me why?” Flint asked.
“I need your help with somethin’.”
Flint stepped back. “Are you kidding me? I don’t even know you. Are you even a real person?”
John furrowed his brow. Disgust washed over his face. He seemed to fight it off and smile again. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, apparently I’m the only person in this fucking town who can see you.”
John adjusted the cuff on his denim shirt. “So what?”
“So what?” Flint threw his hands up. “I don’t know. Either I’ve gone completely insane, or I’m talking to ghosts now.”
“You’re not crazy. And I’m no damned ghost either. Us meeting was for a reason, Flint. I want to help you. I want to find out what happened to your Momma.” John spat on the greasy concrete. A yellow sheen glistened on his lip.
“What? I know exactly what happened.”
“Do you now?” John asked.
Flint shook his head. He couldn’t help but wonder how insane he looked speaking to the brick wall. “She overdosed. I saw it with my own eyes. There’s nothing to find out.”
John rubbed his stubbly chin. “You may not want to believe it. That’s easier, but Margaret was murdered.”
Flint was hyper-aware of the paleness of his face. Any slither of courage he was sporting moments before had faded into a weak, whimpering, fight to appear normal. The tires of the passing cars were as muffled and soft as his own heartbeat. “What are you talking about? Murdered? By who?”
“That’s what I need your help for son. We’re gonna get to the bottom of it. For Margaret.”
Flint stood squinting at the man, or the wall, without saying a word. It made sense, if he was crazy, then surely his delusional hallucinations would be just as absurd.
John dug into the pocket of his tight blue-jeans and pulled something out. He grabbed Flint’s arm and stuffed an item into Flint’s hand and held it there for a moment with his thumb.
Flint couldn’t see what it was, but it was light, and stiff, like a folded piece of paper.
“I don’t think I should believe you.” Flint stared intently at the pores in the man’s skin. He looked at the reddening skin at the base of his neck, and individual glistening hairs of his moustache. Flint waited for them to disappear, for his mind to slip up and reveal its tricks.
John let go of his arm and put his hand on his shoulder firmly. “I’m real,” he said, and began to walk back toward the restaurant’s front.
“Don’t be late,” he shouted as he rounded the corner of the building.
Flint unclasped his hand from around the small object. It was a small blue playing card. Between the four red hearts was a note scribbled in red ink. .
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2020.03.31 17:59 SaintRidley Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ Nov. 23, 1987

Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words, continuing in the footsteps of daprice82. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives.
FUTURE YEARS ARCHIVE:
The Complete Observer Rewind Archive by daprice82
1-5-1987 1-12-1987 1-18-1987 2-2-1987
2-9-1987 2-16-1987 2-23-1987 3-2-1987
3-9-1987 3-16-1987 3-23-1987 4-6-1987
4-13-1987 4-20-1987 4-27-1987 5-4-1987
5-11-1987 5-18-1987 5-25-1987 6-1-1987
6-8-1987 6-15-1987 6-22-1987 6-29-1987
7-6-1987 7-13-1987 7-20-1987 7-27-1987
8-3-1987 8-10-1987 8-17-1987 8-24-1987
8-31-1987 9-7-1987 9-14-1987 9-21-1987
9-28-1987 10-5-1987 10-12-1987 10-19-1987
10-26-1987 11-2-1987 11-9-1987 11-16-1987
  • With all the major promotions running Thanksgiving, there’s an illusion of choice for viewers. Of course, there aren’t choices for most of the public. Even so, the promotions are getting into it as if there is one. The Mega Powers and Sam Houston’s theme (the Midnight Rider theme) are both WWF taking a dig at Crockett, while Manny Fernandez is making comments with clear anti-Dusty subtext in Memphis. Dave’s not going to try to speculate or predict what comes out of any promotion for Thanksgiving, but he does note a couple things. WWF has never produced a major spectacular with a heel winning the main event. Crockett has. That said, if they want to build a Hogan/Andre rematch for Wrestlemania, it would make sense to have Andre go over here. The trick is hiding Andre’s physical problems, because if the viewership catches on to those, it could ruin Wrestlemania. That’s unlikely to happen, but it’s possible, and that’s the risk of building heavily around a guy who probably shouldn’t be categorized as an active wrestler these days.
  • Starrcade clarification: they’ve announced Wilbur vs. Ivan Koloff, but that’s a preliminary match at one of the other sites and won’t air for the closed-circuit audience. The announcement has confused some people, and Dave’s not sure how they could have not seen confusion being the result. Tickets for Chicago have nearly sold out, by the way, and now it looks like they could probably have gotten a bigger venue and sold out rather than going with the Pavillion, even with the earlier start time. They’ve also opened the Aragon and Regal theaters in Chicago as closed-circuit locations for those who can’t attend the live card.
  • New Japan’s Japan Cup tournament started on November 9 and they ran two major angles at the start of the tournament. The first was an injury angle to Fujiwara, leaving Inoki with no partner. Before the end of the show, Inoki asked Dick Murdoch to be his partner (so you can probably expect Inoki/Murdoch vs. Choshu/Saito in the finals). Murdoch was originally to team with Scott Hall, but now Hall will team with Sakaguchi. The bigger story, however, is Choshu and Saito wrestled Fujinami and Kimura, with Kimura pinning Choshu in the biggest upset of the year in Japan. Fujinami and Kimura at present lead the tournament with 10 points, with Keiji Mutoh and Nobuhiko Takada in second with 9 points.
  • WWF taped Saturday Night’s Main Event for November 28 in Seattle on November 11. They sold out 16,000 at the Seattle Center Arena, and Jesse Ventura did color instead of Heenan. The matches don’t sound that hot, unfortunately. Probable airing matches include Ted DiBiase over Hillbilly Jim in three minutes with a clothesline. The heat it did get came from Ted insulting Brian Bosworth and getting the crowd behind Bosworth more than they were for Hogan later in the night. Randy Savage beat Bret Hart in what’s said to be the best match on the card, a 15 minute match full of Bret working the ankle and Savage making the comeback after the commercial to win with a small package. Bam Bam pinned Hercules. This match had a double countout at three minutes, then after the commercial they restarted the match and Bigelow pinned Herc with a slingshot. Harley Race and Jim Duggan went to a disqualification of some kind (some confusion over the exact result), with Duggan not looking great. Bundy beat Hogan via countout and Hogan has now suffered his first national tv loss since becoming the big star. Andre did some interference and got sent away, and Heenan eventually held Hogan’s leg to keep him out of the ring. Word is only Hogan and Savage’s matches had any heat, so they’ll definitely need to sweeten the sound. The next Saturday Night’s Main Event will be taped December 7 for a January 2 air date, with a Hogan/Bundy rematch headlining.
  • Dave reviews Crockett’s November 9 San Francisco show. They drew just under 2,000 for a $25,000 gate. It was their first show in the area in four months and had both Flair and the Road Warriors, so that has to be a disappointment. Nothing to write home about this one. The only good matches were Nikita Koloff vs. Eddie Gilbert (“basically a good match” at 2.75 stars), Barry Windham vs. Larry Zbyszko (3 stars), and Ric Flair and Lex Luger vs. Ron and Jimmy Garvin (3.5 stars). Ron Simmons vs. Black Bart got -1 star. Between his physique and his background, Ron Simmons should be a superstar, but Dave questions that whenever he sees him live because Simmons just hasn’t been improving from where he was when he started over a year ago. Bart stalling out the entire 11 minute match just made things worse. Overall, Flair saved the show and made it good, but the card itself was bad otherwise. Crockett next returns in February because they don’t think they can come back any time sooner and actually draw. So there won’t be a Bunkhouse Stampede show, which would have been an easy $60,000+ gate. San Francisco is the only city left where battle royals are sure draws (AWA is doing a show next Saturday that’ll prove that, Dave says, but he’s going to be very wrong on that front), but Dave’s pessimistic about Crockett even drawing 2000 next time.
  • TV ratings are down a lot for Crockett, and that’s worse news than the recent bad houses and unrest among some of the bigger name talent. Neilsen’s weekly syndication reports of the top 15 syndicated networks saw Crockett drop out of the listings entirely very quick. The Wrestling Network had consistently been holding around number 7 and peaked at number 4, and now it’s out of the top 15 and even behind number 14-ranked All-Star Wrestling Network (which includes POWW, Pro Wrestling This Week, and AWA). Crockett’s package is on 200 stations, while All-Star’s package hits a combined 123 stations, so having fewer viewers than them has to be a bit of an embarrassment. All told, the ratings for Crockett’s package have dropped about 40% in two months, all leading up to their biggest show of the year and November sweeps. The timing could not be worse, and Crockett had bought UWF primarily to improve the tv network. The results speak for themselves, though and it’s clear Crockett will lose affiliates if the ratings don’t make a big turnaround. Crockett’s got affiliates in every major market except Boston, so that should illustrate the state of the numbers. WWF probably earns $13-15 million per year off television, and buying UWF was Crockett’s gambit to be getting into that level of business. But viewers are sending a clear message, and tv ratings are the most important barometer in this day and age for determining public interest in a promotion. Live gates being down can be explained by a lot of things (unwanted matches, bad economy, competition, etc.), but if tv ratings are down it says people are turned off by the product itself. With all current plans, nothing can be done until after Thanksgiving, because Starrcade is already planned and it’s too late to throw out a last-minute big angle. Unless a lot of things happen that bring fans back into the arenas, though, 1988 could be a rough year for Crockett (that it will be). Dave hopes they don’t look at Starrcade and their show at Nassau Coliseum, which should both do well, and think they’ve just solved things.
  • AWA also has bad news, which includes lots of shows being canceled. As of Dave’s most recent report, only two shows are booked for December, which is traditionally one of the best months for wrestling in the midwest, so something is really wrong. The wrestlers who don’t have weekly guarantees are going to be hit real hard and won’t be able to survive the month. Lots of stories about guys quitting, coming back, quitting, and whatnot. Tommy Rich is gone, D.J. Peterson has given notice, Steve DiSalvo left after one night, Jerry Blackwell is gone, and there are three more uncertain (one of which is probably Ray Stevens, who is scheduled for WWF’s old timers’ battle royal). The San Francisco show on Saturday should answer some of the questions on who’s staying and who’s going. Some are talking about coming in, but that won’t be until 1988 at least, as it looks like there’s no money to be made in December. The big story for AWA on that front, and it makes sense for both, is that the Midnight Rockers are negotiating a return in January. Guess January being when hell freezes over was obvious in hindsight, as that’s when they were supposed to return.
  • Let’s hope 1988 is a year that turns things around for wrestling, because the negativity isn’t fun.
  • WCCW’s Von Erichs Over America tour opened on November 7. With the amount of advertising Bum Bright and his people have poured in, you have to figure they’re disappointed by gates of $4,000 on November 7 and $16,000 on November 11. They’re handling the booking, advertising, and paying wrestlers around $200 per show guaranteed.
  • WCCW tried to bury Brody on tv, but did a half job of it. They hinted that The Thing ran him over, but they might have to try and get Brody in for a match with him in December so they didn’t want to outright say it. Thing is a rookie trained by Boris Malenko, and worked about a week in Florida. He doesn’t really do anything but punches and kicks and sells nothing.
  • In Memphis they did some interesting stuff with Jeff Jarrett and Jimmy Jack Funk this week. Last week Funk stole Jarrett’s title after their match, and Eddie Marlin (Jarrett’s grandfather) came out and ordered Funk to return the belt. Well, Funk hit both Marlin and Jarrett with the belt, then tried to hang him with a noose. When he threw it up around the lights, he wound up losing the whole rope and someone (Dave thinks Bobby Jaggers) had to throw him another rope from off camera to try again. Anyway, Marlin broke things up and Funk beat him up more, and Marlin suspended Funk but Jarrett begged them not to suspend him because he wanted to beat Funk up at the next show. That sounds like a classic, simple angle right there to me.
  • No major update on Steve Estes’s court date on his robbery charges. He did plead innocent on a misdemeanor charge of writing bad checks (for our younger readers, checks are a slip of paper you used before debit cards were a thing). His trial begins in early December sometime.
  • POWW drew 850 on November 1 in Marietta, Georgia. Dave would tell us who was the big draw for the group, but their advertising didn’t mention the names of any of the wrestlers.
  • Aileen Eaton, former boxing promoter at Olympic Auditorium and mother of Mike and Gene Lebelle, passed away about a week ago.
  • The November 8 Crockett show at the Omni is really only notable for what they’re doing with Ric Flair. Flair’s match was called a “workout”, as originally Flair and Ron Garvin were scheduled for a non-title match but instead fans were to be treated to “pre-Starrcade workouts” in handicap matches against jobbers. Garvin won his match against the Gladiators. Flair’s workout was a handicap match against Kendall Windham and Italian Stallion. Flair dominated Stallion and sold heavy for Windham, and the match wound up with an Arn Anderson run-in finishing things up. Ric Flair isn’t even being given clean wins against jobbers, if that tells you anything about this company.
  • After just a day in the AWA, Steve DiSalvo returned to Stampede on November 6. He has the potential to be one of the better heels in the business, as he has both the muscularity of Don Muraco and can carry himself with the most arrogance and condescension of any human alive. But he’s not a good worker, and absolutely whollopped Biff Wellington with one of the stiffest clotheslines Dave has ever seen in his debut match on October 24.
  • WWF injury updates: Ted DiBiase is 100% and back in action. Billy Jack Haynes collapsed November 6 after his match at Nassau due to dehydration and potassium deficiency. He didn’t miss any matches but Ken Patera had to carry him in tag matches over the weekend and he’s now loading up on bananas to get his potassium up.
  • Bob Orton got detained by customs on his way back to the States from Calgary after the November 8 show. He missed several shows as a result.
  • Nothing much from All Japan this week, but more details on their tag tournament to come next week. Those details are mostly just some results, so again, not much detail there.
  • [Oregon] Steve Doll and Scott Peterson won the Pacific Northwest tag titles on November 7. They’re dressing like the Midnight Rockers and calling themselves the Southern Rockers now.
  • WWF’s old-timers’ battle royal has now gained Gino Brito, Ray Stevens, and The Crusher. Expect a full report on that show next issue.
  • A letter asks for clarification on the Midnight Express, since there are a couple different versions, and Dave gives the rundown on what and who and why there are so many Midnight Expresses. Short version, Dennis Condrey, Randy Rose, and Norvell Austin were the original team as a three-man group in Southeastern (now Continental) Championship Wrestling (Alabama territory) in the early 80s. Condrey and Bobby Eaton got together in 1983 as the Midnight Express for Mid-South (later UWF) and then went to WCCW in 1984 and JCP in 1985. Condrey left the team in March and Stan Lane replaced him. Then Condrey resurfaced with Randy Rose and Paul E. Dangerously in the AWA a few months back. NWA never trademarked the name, so nobody has any grounds to sue anyone over use. Also Dangerously’s real name is Paul Heyman, and he used to edit Wrestling Power and Double Action Wrestling, and was an associate editor of Norm Keitzer’s Wrestling News.
  • Dave also clarifies his position on Dusty Rhodes in response to another letter about him. Dave has nothing against Dusty being a star. Dusty has charisma in spades and can cut a promo like nobody else. But Dave has a lot against Dusty being the star, since he doesn’t appeal widely enough and he likes to hold back those who threaten his position. Put simply, it’s easy to get fans to cheer a face and boo a heel, since they’ve already paid and fans like to play along. Jimmy Valiant and George Steele get cheers, but they don’t draw. Dusty pushes himself as the star, so he gets big cheers because audiences see him as the star, but his appeal is closer to a George Steele than a Hulk Hogan. Pushing Dusty as the main face of Crockett’s promotion holds back pushing someone who could sell more tickets and help keep the promotion alive. Marks hated The Sheik, loved Dick the Bruiser, and loved the Von Erichs, but those guys also ran off other fans and killed their territories because they couldn’t gain the wide appeal that a promotion needs to thrive. When you have limited appeal as a promotion, your only audience is marks and hardcore fans, and to be majorly appealing you have to reach the average person, not just marks and hardcores.
  • Dave finally finishes his run-downs of Award favorites, and says he’ll include a complete list of categories next issue, and will begin accepting ballots. For Best Technical Wrestler, Dave gives it all to Japan, as Fujiwara, Maeda, and Takada outclass anyone in North America (though Owen Hart makes a close fourth place for Dave). For Worst TV Announcer, the past few weeks have led Dave to only one conclusion: David Crockett. Best Booker is a field with few choices this year. Inoki has dropped the ball in many ways, and Dusty was the best last year but has been near the bottom this year. Lawler and Jarrett have a good show, and Eddie Gilbert was good at putting together live shows. But on the strength of his television show’s production and the genius booking of Hogan/Andre, Dave can’t believe he’s doing it, but he’s saying Vince McMahon. For Worst on TV Interviews, Dave gives the Japanese wrestlers in Calgary like Hase and Yamada a break on their English and instead picks Bugsy McGraw, who is not funny at all.
  • John Nord’s getting over great in Minneapolis as a face largely because of his commercials for his father’s car dealership. There are three commercials, all with the slogans “No credit? We don’t care!” and “Don’t make payments? Then we care!” He does wrestling moves in the commercials, piledriving a guy onto the hood of a car in one, bodyslamming a guy through the windshield in the second, and suplexing a guy onto the hood in the third. Dave likens Nord’s performance to an impersonation of what it would be like if Jim Duggan impersonated Bruiser Brody.
Watch: Nord Motor Company commercial
  • Genichiro Tenryu beat Hiroshi Wajima on November 7 in their first match. This is especially interesting because of their histories in Sumo before they went to pro wrestling. About a decade ago they were top stars in the world of sumo, and Wajima was ranked above Tenryu (Tenryu’s highest rank was Maegeshira 1, which is top of the 5 rank of the highest division, while Wajima was the 54th Yokozuna and competed for 8 years after attaining that rank). Wajima was a nine-time Grand National champion in Sumo, which is why he was such a big deal when he came over to pro wrestling in 1986. Tenryu was a big-name, but he never was allowed to break into the elite, which is why he turned to pro wrestling.
Watch: Tenryu vs. Wajima
  • Ray Stevens got a deal where he’s working the old-timers’ battle royal for WWF but will stay with AWA.
  • Bob Orton is still missing dates, so no idea if he’s suspended or fired from WWF.
THURSDAY (4 issues left in 1987): PPV forecast for 1988, Pennsylvania house committee recommends deregulating wrestling, wrestling holds five of the top 20 cable ratings, and more.
submitted by SaintRidley to SquaredCircle [link] [comments]


2020.03.24 16:05 Texas1971 Carollaisms

Haven’t updated in awhile, but here’s some “light reading” for everyone while we’re locked in. These just crack me up. Enjoy, stay safe and wash up. 🧼 GETITON

Band Names/Rap Stars

Mitt Romney and the One Percenters (ACS)
ManAyz - Rap star (LL)
D'Bagz - Rap star (LL)
Maxi Pad - An all-girl band that knows how to rock (LL)
Dick Tingle - One of the best blues men in the business (Show?)
Lynette and the Lackeys (ACS)
Straw Hat and the Bowties - Jerry Springer's dixieland band who plays at the Knott's Berry Farm Good Time Theater (ACS)
Gut Fluffer (ACS)
Johnny Beaumont and The Legionnaires - All wear matching powder blue tuxedoes (ACS)
Automatic Vaginismus – Great band name (LL)
Dissuade/D’ Suede - Rappeproducer of Kanye/one of Kim's ex beaus (ACS)
Starchy Deuce - Band that should be produced by D' Suede (ACS)
Narthex - (ACS)
Epileptic Declawed Hamster - That is a helluva punk band right there (ACS)
Loretta Lynch - Country singer who sang "Stand By Your Man" (ACS)
The Areolas - Covered an Eagles song in the ‘90s (ACS)
Fleece and Flannel - One of the best lesbian acoustic duos you will ever see (ACS)
3 Chainz - Rap star (ACS)
Blues Squatter - Adam's dad’s band name (ACS)
Tampon Kayak - One of Seattle's greatest, but least heard of indie bands (ACS)
Jizz Grenade (LL)
Dryer Fire - Hot indie band name (ACS)
Iranian Revolutionary Guard - Prince's backup band (ACS)
Rape Kit - Name of Adam's band from high school (ACS)
Nog Bong - A band Adam was in in high school (ACS)
Bum Blazer – Adam’s band in high school (ACS)
White Trash Kimchi - Another good band name (Bald Bryan) (ACS)
White Noise - Adam's rap name (ADS)
Promethazine - Lil Wayne's sister (ADS)
Light Rail - Great Rap name (ADS)
Danny In The Joint - Good indie band name (ACS)
Anal Cleft - One of the worst reggae singers to leave Jamaica (ACS)
Anal Cleft and the Taints - Great reggae group (ACS)
MEL-ROL - One of The Spice Girls (AOTH)
D'bris - Great Rap name (ACS)
Cisgender - A militant female rapper....for the ladies (ACS)
Krav Maga (1) - Country singing Jew (ACS)
Lynette and Paulette - Sounds like a singing duo from the 60's (RD)
Nuts In The Sink - Name of Ray’s new band (Ray) (AOTH)
SubDude - Pete Holmes' rap name (ACS)
Ray And The Enemas - Blues singer and his backup band (ADS)
Yakov Crutchfield - He has a show in Branson (ADS)
Mac 18 - Adam’s favorite rapper (RD)
Tremble Lean – Adam’s rap name (ACBSL)
Sticker Back – Worst band out of Canada ever (ACS)
Pennywise and Pound Foolish - A band from the ‘90's (RD)
Strawberry Shortcake's Neti Pot - Great band name (Twitter)
Puffy Elon Musk - Worst rapper ever (ACS)
Pantera Club at Laguna Seca (Twitter)
Savage Body Attack - New wave romantic band Ace was in when he was 19 (FBL)
Jumping Jazzy Jews - Jeff Goldblum's jazz band (ACS)
Snore Cherry - Great band name (ACS)
Pat Benatard - Pat Benatar cover band (ACS)
Rancid Nuts - Good band name (ACS)
Gary And The Knotholes - Good band name (AOTH)
Tampon Canoe - Good indie band (ACS)
One Erection - A good boy band (ACS)
Flushin' Dew - A good country duo (ACS)
Armo Jeweler - Great band name (RD)
Radon - (Lynette thinks) there a Whitesnake cover-band (ACS)
The Taste Of Ace - Great band name (ACS)
King Grape and the Raisinettes (GS)
Concord Grape and the Raisinettes (GS)
Gary Taco - Love that band (ACS)
The Silence Breakers (2) - Good punk band (Gina) (ACS)
Daddy’s Got A Dually – Good country song (ACS)
Dip Curtain - Good indie band (ACS)
Crystal Lobbyists - Sounds like a great techno band (ACS)
Narcissistic Monk -Great indie band (GS)
Sporty Prius - Worst of the Spice Girls (ACS)
Laden and Bravado - 70s duo who opened for Seals n Crofts (ACS)
The Bouncers - great band name (ACS)
Hurry up and make sense (1) - a good talking heads album (ACS)
Appropriate Sombrero - Maxapada’s next band name (Bryan) (ACS)
Flirtatious Contrail - great rap name (GS)
Jack Johnson - Guy from The White Stripes aka The Black Stripes (ACS)
Sophistry - A great Carol King album (ADS)

Song Titles

Meatless Mondays - Horrible Bangles song (Show?)
Measles and Commuter Trains - Worst Christmas song ever (ACS)
White Guys Be Ownin' Everything - Adam's next hit (ACS)
Blood On The Grout - John Cougar Mellencamp song (ACS)
No Blood In The Peckeroo - Good John Cougar song (ACS)
Mellen's Gold - A three disc box set of nothing but John Cougar Mellencamp hits (ACS)
Freaks, Retards and Jews - Not a Cher song (ACS)
Pedophile Cops - Good Cheap Trick song (ACS)
Pig Anus Soup - Favorite Rolling Stones album (Bryan) (ACS)
That Dog Don’t Mess With Olga and Natalia Don’t Spit No Mo’ - Sounds like a Mississippi Delta blues song (Bryan) (ACS)
Goggles Are For Pussies - Trace Adkins' number one hit (ACAFBSL)
Whistle While You Masturbate - The lost Disney song aka "Whistle While You Jerk" (ACS)
12 Pack & Dick's Hard - Name of Adam's new album (Gina) (ACS)
Blood and Soil - A good Smithereens song (ACS)
Pina Colada in Amsterdam - Worst Jimmy Buffet song ever (ACS)
Tough Times In The City - Great Nick Gilder song (ACS)
I've Got A Hamster In My Scrotum And He's Looking For His Keys - That's a good country song (ACS)
Gay Hitler -Great Elvis Costello song (ACS)
Tard On The Tool Shed - Good Mellenamp song (AOTH)
Condo in Redondo - Sublime song (ADS)
Animoji - Band that sung "Obsession" (ACS)
People Who Have Lost People - Worst Barbara Streisand song ever (ACS)
Tilted Heart - Great Tammy Wynette song (ADS)
Yoga wood - Great Beatles song (ACS)
Anal cleft - Song from the Sound of Music (ACS)
Morgue Mode - Sounds like a guy from Iceland who is a DJ (ACS)
I’ve got a Saturday and two friends - great country song (Gina) (ACS)
Recipe for Misery (2) - Title of the next Guns N Roses album (ACS)
Circling Back To Baldwin - Good name for a country song (ACS)
Keistered in Winnipeg - (Bald’s) favorite Willie Nelson song (ACS)
Anal ipecac - Good indie band (ACS)
2 Tits and a Pulse - Ace likes that Beck song (Bryan/Adam) (ACS)

Football Players/Athletes/Teams:

Legs Akimbo - Wide Receiver (ACS)
Feral Katz - Nose Tackle (ACS)
L' Brarian Booker - Wide Receiver (ACS)
Oscar Buzz - Linebacker (ACS)
DeVigorous Lover - Wide Receiver (ACS)
Nadir Zenith - Placekicker (ACS)
DeGluten Free - Offensive Lineman (ACS)
Tangy Mango - Fullback (ACS)
N'Farious Plan - (position?) (ACS)
Modular Holmes - (position?) (ACS)
Fortuitous Bounce - Safety (ACS)
Operatin' Thetan - (ACS) Quarterback for the Washington Redskins (ACS)
Minority Banks - HOF OLB who died tragically in a car wreck shortly after his HOF induction, a natural athlete, he played option QB in college along with being a stand out member of the track team, and in high school he was captain of the basketball team. Survived by his twin brother Majority Banks, who also played in the league, and daughter Recuser Banks who many believe was the best athlete in the family (ACS)
Coach Platitude - "Take a knee son...helmet's not a chair" (ACS)
Glendora Bevmo - Mother of DeVigorous Lover and L' Brarian Booker (different fathers, of course) (ACS)
Marshall Law - (Allison) (ACS)
Orlando Ceeworld - (position?) (ACS)
Du Vatine - (position?) (Show?)
Raja Slate - Super fast wide-out out of Marshall via LSU (AOTH)
Moe Greene - Great corner for the Washington Redskins in the 80’s (ACS)
Bronx Defenders - Sounds like a AAA hockey team (RD)
Medical Error - Slipped in the draft due to a video being released just prior (ACS)
Homeo Stasis (position?) (ACS)
Capybara - The greatest name for a major league skipper (ACS)
Ejaxico Johnson (position?) (ACS)
Radiant Barrier vs. Attic Fan - The worst WWE matchup ever to grace the stage (AOTH)
Bamboo Brick - one of the greatest mixed martial artists on the planet (AOTH)
Dexter Methorphan - He did not participate in the combines, but his coaches say he can run a 4.3 (Twitter)
Bob Jacuzzi - Great point guard for the Celtics aka "THE COOZE" (ACS)
Shame Negation - Picked to leave Clemson early and go very early in the draft this year. (ADS)
Entertainment Crackers - Another name for the Washington Generals ACS
Hardibacker - Good name for an inside backer (ACS)
Osmosis - Black dude. Forward for the Knicks who might or might not have been traded (ADS)
Onus Wilson - NFL draftee (ACS)
World Be Mine - Adam’s new basketball name (ACS)
LBJ - Worst Mexican wrestler name ever (ADS)
Cold stone Steve Austin - Can’t wrestle on hot days. Tag team partners with the Klondike twins (GS)
Cicely Tyson - Greatest Italian boxer of all time. (ADS)

Porn Star Names/Terms/Gay Code:

Spoodini - (LL)
Rocky Stucco - (AOTH)
No Can Doo - Backdoor anal queen of China (ACS)
Kristallnacht - Worst porn star name in the business (ACS)
Madison Avenue (I am Rappaport Podcast)
Hero Du Jour (I am Rappaport Podcast)
Kindle Fire (ACS)
Jackson Hole - Gay porn actor (ACS)
Col. Duke Lacrosse - Adam's porn name (LL)
Duke Circumference - Adam's gay porn name (ACS)
Rich Data - Gay porn actor (Show?)
Tom Foolery - Gay porn actor (Show?)
Honey Dijon - Great porn star name (Show?)
Aids Machete - One of Adam's gay porn names. "Very short stint, I only did 2 weeks with that name, so it was like 41 movies." (ACS)
Bryce Canyon - Great gay porn name (ACS)
The Italian Coastguard - A gay move. "Let me just start with basic anal, then I'll slide into the Italian Coast Guard." (ACS)
Tetanus Gym - Good gay porn name "Who you working with?" "Tetanus Gym." "Oh boy, make sure you're on top" (ACS)
Shared A Back Fence - gay slang (ACS)
Mea Culpa - Adam's porn name (ACS)
Hand Twins - Gay code (ACS)
Backscatter - Porn technology (PM)
Cajun Tree Climber - Gay code (AOTH)
Snow Blower- Gay code (AOTH)
Stump Grinder - Gay code (AOTH)
Tumbler And Coaster - Adam's gay slang replacement for "top and bottom" (PM)
Go For A Bike Ride - Gay code (ACS)
Artie Fartie - Adam's porn name from the 80's (ACS)
Road Island Ray - Ray's porn name (AOTH)
38KKK -A type of porn that comes out of Kentucky (ACS)
Tech Screw - A dirty website for geeks (ACS)
Bearvalanche - Worst gay move ever (ACS)
Wacked Off Pieces Of Cactus - Gay code for gay rough trade (ACS)
Brad Nail - Good gay porn name (ADS)
Lightning Rod - Good gay porn name for Milo Yiannopplous (ADS)
Milk Barn - Another name for Adam's bathroom sink (ACS)
Meat Thievery - That's just good gay code (ACS)
Hairy Shin - Adam's gay porn name (ACS)
Asian Persuasion - Sounds like a good name for a porn series Asian persuasion 16 (ACS)
Cock Holster - Good movie series, cock holster 14 (ACS)
Celebrity Du Jour - Great porn name (ACS)
Europol - Another great porn name (ACS)
Roy Wood - Adam's gay porn name (ACS)
Tank slapper - Gay slang (Gina) (ACS)
Porch Pirate - Gay term (ACS)
Mad Chuck - The world's worst name for a gay porn star (AOTH)
Sweat lodge - Gay code (ACS)
The L.A. Underground - Sounds like a gay bar (M&J)
Skin and grin - Gay slang (ACS)
Rear Admiral - The name of one of the best bars on west side (ACS)
Loaded for bear - Now a gay term (GS)
Fruit Of The Year - A porn Dave (Dameshek) starred in (ACS)
The Lebanese Comedian - Ace's favorite sex position (ACS)
Cockout - When a gay guy doesn't try very hard (ACS)
Margana Wood - Porn name (ACS)
Hugh Bris - Porn star (RD)
Matte Clear - Fondalier’s gay porn name (AOTH)
Palatial Estates – A good 80’s fake tittie porn name (AOTH)
Cokie Roberts - Great porn name (ACS)
Armenian Christmas - An unspeakable sexual act in prison. "Johnny ratted out the white supremacists to the warden, so they gave him an Armenian Christmas" (Show?)
Ride The Pine - Gay slang (ADS)
Meet Gaze - Gay slang (ACS)
Asshole Rider - Gay slang (ACS)
Cash Widedick - Ace's porn name if you can call an apple a honey crisp. (ACS)
Shanda Lear - Great stripper name (Gina) (ACS)
Fiery Cherry - Good porn name (ACS)
Jerk the wheel - Code for masturbation (ACS)
Giddyup Titties - Gina’s porn name (Gina) (ACS)
French astronaut - Great gay slang (ACS)
Mr Bandera - gay code (ACS)
Beefmato/Clamato - sounds like names of venerial diseases (ACS)
Spanner - Australian gay code (ACS)
Rocky tenure - Adam’s gay porn name (ACS)
The End Game - One of Stormy Daniels movie titles (RD)
Room for cream - Great porno title (Gina) (ACS)
Pedialyte shower - Worst sexual act ever (Sklar) (ACS)
Foot Zunki - Add-on to the Pedialyte shower (ACS)
Self rimming sink - gay slang (AOTH)
Harvey Mudd - gay bar drink where vermouth and bartender shit is mixed in a goblet (ACS)
Barney’s Beanery - ultimate name for a gay bar (ACS)
Parallel park both ways - euphemism for being bi (GS)
The Big Three - Gerago’s junk (RD)
73 - When a fat guy tries to 69 with a chubby prostitute he met at a ham radio convention(ACS)
Backlog - Stormy Daniels movie title (Bryan)(ACS)
Madison Bear - Sounds like an dating app for gay hairy dudes who are married (ACS)
Back pay - Good porn title name (ACS)

Miscellaneous People

Trajectory Hagar - High school kid "heading down the wrong path" in life (ACS)
Slick Mouth - Adam's prison name (ACS)
Rich Carless - Cool homeless guy name (ACS)
Keyless Chuck - Best homeless guy name (ACS)
Nasal Ranger - Worst superhero name ever (Gina) (ACS)
Krav Maga (2) - Good name for a sheriff (ADS)
Hubcap Annie - Horror that hangs out with Keyless Chuck (ACS)
Becky Honkington (Allison) (ACS)
Monica Chugscock - (Pronounced "Shuggscawk") (ADS)
Tyvek DuPont - Best rich guy’s name (AOTH)
Mattress - A Model/actress (ACS)
Hofmeister Kink - Nazi war criminal who's been in hiding in Brazil for the past 61 years. aka Jake Johnson (ACS)
Serpiginous - The world's wimpiest swordsman. Sir Piginous of Wussville (LL)
Chick Fil a - Great play-by-play guy for the Warriors from the 70’s (Show?)
Peri Menopausal - Best P.I. working the Chicago beat (LL)
Whiskey Dick - The neighborhood pedophile in the clown outfit (ACS)
Surge - Guy that drives for ÜBER (ACS)
Babbling Brook - Great name for a female cattle auctioneer (PM)
Terra Firma - Name of the "woman of color" that heckled Adam at a Ventura live show and was removed by force (The Ranker Podcast)
Octomom - Great Batman villain (Bryan) (ACS)
Larry The Cabinet Guy - Failed Israeli comic…"Don't get 'er done!" (ACS)
Rod Blagojevich - Joe Francis' slimy brother who sells above ground pools out of a primered van (ACS)
Cockchug Man - The gay superhero in The Village People that wears just all leather (ACS)
MEL-ROL- She's one of The Spice Girls (AOTH)
Hand Farts - A new comedian Adam had never heard of (ACS)
Juan Jeremy - The greatest international film star ever (ACS)
Bitchathane Jackson - Good name for a "sista" (ACS)
Tobar - Perfect caveman name (ACS)
Vroman - A fast moving Roman (ACS)
Korn Syrup and Fructose - Women of color who work at the strip club with Jade (stage 4) (ACS)
Fred Meyer - Lucy's neighbor (ACS)
Kimchi - The Asian flutist (ACS)
Pacoima - The mechanic from Taxi (ACS)
Dick Salt - NATO Alliance General (ACS)
Dick Salt (2) - Manger of the Mariners in the early 70’s (Bryan) (ACS)
Caramel And Fudge - Two more African-American prostitutes that lived in the apartment above Adam’s (ACS)
Peaches - The whore that lived upstairs (ACS)
F. Me Bailey - Greatest lawyer of all time (RD)
Agua Caliente - Loves that guy. He does a great John Madden (ACS)
Senior Penis - One the most dangerous drug lords to ever work (ADS)
Shill Du'Jour - Good Bond secretary name (RD)
Brexit Romero - Sounds like an International assassin (ACS)
Lugansk - That gay diver who hit his head and gave the whole Canadian team AIDS (ACS)
Leak O'rama - A Dutch action star, starred in “Sudden Death” (AOTH)
Vaginismus - Great black guy name (ADS)
Normcore - Guy that owns Westwood one (ACS)
LaTolstoy - Great black guy name (ACS)
Shapiro – Artist who is really good at anime. Died in the 60’s but was a real trendsetter (ACS)
Chuck Spears – Good name for a racist. “Hey you workin’ with Chuck Spears over at the Klan?” (ACS)
Norethindrone - DAG’s Sister (CLL)
La Tuskegee - Black airline pilot (ACS)
C-clamps – Nickname for Adam’s step-mom. “Ol’ C-clamps locked me out of the house again.” (ACS)
Harry Nilsson - (Gary thinks) he does the voices on The Simpsons (ADS)
Nutella - Great name for a crazy black woman (ACS)
Sia - The perfect person to break up with. Would be perfect if she was dating Jack (hit the road Jack) (ACS)
The Ball Catcher - What Adam used to call Ray's ass in junior high (ACFBSL)
MOAB - Matt's new nickname (Mother of All Buttholes) (AONTH)
Trip Reeb - Great name for a white guy (ACS)
Merle Horn - One of the greatest best ropers to ever come down the Pecos (ACS)
The Boring Machine - Lynette's name for Adam (ACS)
Avocado Hand - The nickname of Eric Clapton's brother (Chet) who works at a Mexican place and is charge of the guacamole (ACS)
Bagel Hand - Clapton's Jewish cousin (ACS)
Fa-Sheeya (fascia) - A heavy set woman of color that works at the DMV (ACAFBSL)
Ghrelin - New AM/PM mascot (ACS)
Krav Maga (3) - An Israeli Captain from 1946 (ACS)
Cuban Boa - Sounds like a dark skinned trannie (ACS)
Gabardine - She's a very chatty woman of color middle-aged and she'll talk your ear off. (ACS)
Guy Dudebro - Greatest name ever (AOTH)
Otto Warmbier- Simultaneously the greatest and worst beer master brewer name ever (ACS)
Leif Geragos - Greatest rocking attorney ever Viking rocker attorney (ACS)
Ernest J. Bigot - "I'm just asking....I'm just wanna know...." (ACS)
Panzanella - Cobra's full name (ACS)
Sheet Metal Nibbler - Great name for Matt the porcelain punisher (AOTH)
Big Grenadine - Sounds like a large black neighbor (ACS)
Silent gym - Next to Keyless Chuck, best homeless guy name ever (ACS)
Nuchilla - Sounds like a black vampire (Theo Von) (ACS)
D' poleon - Black Napoleon (ACS)
Luke Rockhold - Sounds like a character on The Flintstones (GS)
Sissy squat - She was hot (AOTH)
Beulah - The town horror (RD)
Ronan Farrow - One of the best wheel men in Europe (ACS)
Duke Bagg - Comedian Ian Bagg's brother (ACS)
Root Ball Grinder - A horrible term for a bitchy wife (Ruth Ballgrinder and Harriet Mulcher) (Tim Allen) (ACS)
Paul Funyun - Just a big dude who likes to have fun. Has a pink ox as a sidekick (ACS)
Page/Savage - A great lawyer team (Adam Ray) (ACS)
Ivar the Boneless - Ace’s dad’s nickname in high school. aka Jim the spineless (ACS)
Bash Worthy - Comic strip's character name/title (ACS)
Uncle Tom-bién - Mexican Uncle Tom (ACS)
Alist Poon - An Indian exchange student who has cerebral palsy (ACS)
Indignant Asswipes - Good name for an improv troupe (Gina) (ACS)
Flora in Fauna - two black chicks that work for him (ADS)
Cheap - Name of a he/she that literally went under sexual assignment surgery last month (ACS)
Heroin (1)(Pronounced Ehr-o-win by JCVD) A character in Lord Of The Rings (Bryan) (ACS)
Yersinia pestis - Ace did Celebrity Apprentice with that dude. He won that year (ADS)
Morgue Mode - Sounds like a guy from Iceland who is a DJ (ACS)
Rachel Bias - Great stripper name (ACS)
Buzz Ramjet - Aviation attorney (ACS)
Black Cherry - Stripper name Bryan (ACS)
Saffron - Sassy black woman in Meg Whitman movie (ACS)
Vibranium - a new black kid name from Black Panther (ACS)
Bird Nerd - Marvel superhero (ACS)
Merch Galore - Worst Bond secretary ever. Total sellout. Always wearing her own swag (GS)
Bathroom Goalie - New code for fat chicks sitting next to you on an airplane (ACS)
Skip Loader -Kurt Loder’s older brother (ACS)
F. Me Money - greatest attorney rapper ever (RD)

Morning Zoos/DJ's/Radio Stations

Gum and Condoms - (Show?)
Dusty Labia - Adam's handle when he used to do AM Mornings. (ACS)
Asscrack and Backsack in the morning with Sludge (LL)
Crockpots and Headphones (ACS)
Booger and Floor Wax (ACS)
Almonds and Water (ACS)
Cold Butter And Calves (ADS)
Schluter And The Drain - Schluter has a thick Austrian accent , while "The Drain" has a super low voice (AOTH)
Ace Rockolla - Just Google "Ace Rockolla Lightning round...." (LL)
Fungus and Mold (Show?)
Stupid and Petty (Show?)
Eunice and Edgar - Bubba the Love Sponge's parents (ACS)
Flip Flops and Fanny Packs (ACS)
Hairy Shin - Does a KCRE show in the weekends (ACS)
Deep Bra Grooves - Should be a Sirius XM station Channel 248, C+ and above! (ACS)
Andy and Opie - Great Radio Show (ACS)
QuietRock - Sounds like an easy listening rock station (AOTH)
Quiet Crush - A good easy listening radio station (ACS)
The Tool Box - SiriusXM took tune station aka KTOL (ACS)
Ray's Enema Antics - New podcast on Carolla Digital (Bryan)(ACS)
Doug Gets Blown While He Eats Pudding - Doug Benson's next podcast (ACS)
Cat Packer - Used to do mornings with her brother, Fudge (ACS)
Duke and Shinola - good morning show team (ACS)
Mother Trucker - Adam’s Podcast with caller Miguel (AOTH)

Places

Boobville - (LL)
Pedoph Isle aka Pedophile Island - Island where are all the pedophiles are sent to live. (Also a TV show/movie idea) (LL)
Lil' Lord Fauntleroy’s Academy for Albino Hemophiliacs - Drew's childhood school (LL)
Doesntexistizcan - Where presidential candidate Platitude's grandfather was from (ACS)
Boga Raton - The world's worst resort spot (Show?)
Meat Yard - Great name for a gay bar (ACS)
Mister Fister's - Adam's all-time top name for a gay bar (ACS)
Sub-Par - Worst name for a submarine sandwich shop (Show?)
Queen Mary - Great name for a tranny bar (ACS)
NuvaRing - A German racetrack. "The new Nissan GTR turned it in 7:21, faster than the Corvette." (Show?)
Louis Pasteur Middle School (ACS)
Helm’s Deep - World's first gay bar bakery (ACS)
Kal Penn - One of the best sounding names to get an engineering degree from (ACS)
Alaska State Motto - Love fishing but I hate your kids? Alaska! (PM)
Duke University - John Wayne's college (ACS)
Planned Possumhood - Planned Parenthood in Arkansas (ACS)
Fruit Stand - Great name for a gay bar (ACS)
Poo Poo City - Where Charles Fletcher Loomis' house is located (ACS)
Blood Bank - Great name for a check cashing place in the hood (ACS)
Bass Manor - Great name for a gay bar (ACS)
The Dead C - Sounds like the worst name for a lesbian bar ever (ACS)
Wood Bar - Good name for a gay bar (ACS)
Ghost Load - Ride at Calico Ghost Town (ADS)
Nasacort - Country club for Jewish folks where they play tennis at (ADS)
L.A. HOTT (1) - An 80's bar with an outdoor door seating area (ACS)
Fairy Wings - Good name for a bar on the west side (ACS)
Second Hand/First World - Store that sells rich whitey’s high end stuff (ACS)
The Lance Hunter - Perfect name for a gay bar (Dumb People Town)
Pervert Park - Theo Vaughn grew up there (ACS)
Big Sur - Great name for a big and tall shop (Show?)
Studio Centric - Sounds like a Utopia. Between Valley Village and Sherman Oaks (AOTH)
Asstard - Thor came from that planet (ACS)
Grand Entrance - Great name for a gay bar (AOTH)
Thermopolis - Where the Bun Boy is (ACS)
The Turkish Embassy - Gay bar (ACS)
Low Tide - Gay code for boner in the rear view mirror (ACS)
Corumption - On the way to Vegas, where Heidi Fleiss lives with her macaws (ACS)
C.C. Fichens - Sounds like a pretzel stand (Gina) (ACS)
Timpani Barn - where to get timpani to go, has three big Mexicans in the kitchen (ACS)
Heroin (2)(Pronounced Ehr-o-win by JCVD) The health food store in Venice (ACS)
Pocket Passers - Next to Mister Fister’s (Gina) (ACS)
The Mexican Faire - Worst fair ever (ACS)
Hanoi Hospice - Only place worse than the Hanoi Hilton (ACS)
Kaleblazer- Gay juice bar (ACS)
Hot Dog Cannon - good name for a bar next to The Abbey (ACS)
Dyskeratosis - where Vinnie lives, lots of Greek folks, a family oriented community (ACS)
Kind of, Italy - Where Ace’s family is from. Where he gets his kinky hair. (ADS)

Miscellaneous

Cleaning The Pink Turtle - Bryan's name for pleasuring oneself (ACS)
Analingus - A new type of breath mint (LL)
The Milk Of Arthritic Goats - A rabbi's curse: "May you suckle at the teet of the milk of arthritic goat!!!" (ACS)
Carbon Dating - A black dating website (ACS)
RU486 - Vanity plate for a guy who runs an abortion clinic (ADS)
Jet Green - Amsterdam's Airlines (ACS)
Stromer, Oldhafer and Carolla - World's worst law firm (AOTH)
Ira Carolla - Sounds like an affliction "Oh my Ira Carolla's acting up" (ACS)
Sawjay - Sounds French...gay word for sausage. "I was strokin' this dude’s sawjay" (ACS)
Smokeless Cigarette - Name for Dr. Drew's honker after his prostate surgery (ADS)
El Niño - Name of "Sinn" strip club DJ's cock (ACS)
Blue Man - Crazy hairdresser's macaw who doesn't judge (PM)
Lucia - An Italian moped (ACS)
American Jewish World Service - A van that's begging to be shot at (ACS)
E-aye? - Canadian version of EBay (ACS)
Sweatpants Lesbian - What Adam would be. An in-between lesbian. Not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke (ACS)
SuckStrong - Bill Clinton's bracelet (ACS)
Gaybus - Gay and bogus (ACS)
Flappy Bird - The most offensive name for the vagina (ACS)
G8 (Summit) - The Pontiac that Oprah gave away on her show (ACS)
Oracle A The Delphi - Big new startup company (ADS)
Crewkakke - A type of sweater (ACS)
The Flying Dutchman - Great name for an Amsterdam airlines (ACS)
Cleaning My Chain - Euphemism for beating off (ACS)
Awesome Town - A gathering of three or more polar bears (ACS)
Avocado - The Greek word for nut sack (ACS)
Doucherette - A gum/patch that douchebags chew/use (ACS)
Urban Milling -Black guys standing around (AOTH)
Synesthesia - When you eat your own hair (ACS)
Tuck Rule - When a guy pretends he's a chick and stands in front of the mirror (ACS)
My #2 Pencil Is Out Of Lead - Another term for erectile dysfunction (ACS)
Float A Bond - When a politician farts (RD)
Vaginismus - black people's holiday, accompanied with a lot of ceremonial garb (ADS)
Vaseline and Gauze - Elizabeth Taylor's new scent (ACS)
Jewber - A drunk on a 10-speed (ACS)
Chickpea - What Gina does when we camp (ACS)
Oscar Squad (2) - Bad gay code (ACS)
Airbus - Worst name for an aircraft. Sounds like “air donkey” (AOTH)
Shailene Woodley - Sounds like the most fantastical verb/adverb combo. “I want to Shailene Woodley through a field of poppies with you” (Gina) (Twitter)
Asshole Rider (2) - Worst piece of exercise equipment Vinnie’s ever endorsed (ACS)
Diario La Prensa - Stealer of the jersey in Spanish (ACS)
The Sicilian Fly Swatter - Sounds like a WWF move (Gina) (ACS)
Jellyfish - Sounds like something your grandpa would buy for you at the mall (ACS)
Fruit Fly - More politically correct term for fag hag (Show?)
Jewgling - When a Jew "Googles" their symptoms (ACS)
Tavares - David Wild's boner medicine (ACS)
Jew -Over - A mulligan from a barmitzva. "Uh, I misread that...can I get a Jew-over?" (ACS)
Ossified - That's a Don King word, there (ACS)
Zero for Cecil - Worst charity ever (Bald Bryan) (ACS)
A++ - A bra that Gina will never see (ACS)
Joycelyn - A good name for Curly from the Three Stooges to say (ACS)
Phallisee - Latin for "to see the penis" (ADS)
Coffee Nap - Euphemism for pooping in your pants (ACS)
USS Monitor - Doesn't sound like a ship of war, sounds like a night nurse (ACS)
Dotard - A skirt a man wears (ACS)
Wilding- Something derogatory that takes place in public pools in certain counties (ACS)
Caveat - Latin for shitting on Adam's point (ADS)
Festiva - Sounds like a boner medicine (ACS)
Depeche Mode - French for “who dealt it?” (ADS)
Beefy Clutch – The purse Gina thought Lady Gaga took to the Emmy’s (ACS)
Sig Sauer - Something you would yell at Oktoberfest before downing a stiff stein of stout (ACS)
Jeans day – Sounds like the special day for your special need son Gene, to raise money (ACS)
Wilding - What takes place in public pools in certain counties (GS)
4F - Can’t/won’t be eligible for the draft (ACS)
Groupie - a kind of fish (ACS)
The African chick - Horrible name for a boat (ACS)
Inclusion rider - Snowboard for retarded kids (ACS)
The Urethra - Bad name for a car (ACS)
Mercury retrograde - when you take your index finger and shove it under your sack before you blow, and you belch it up later (ACS)
UEFA - Transsexuals playing soccer with a balled up maxi pad (GS)
Missed Connections- The worst airline ever (ACS)
Carollo - Sounds like a Tool you’d use rarely (ACS)
Brembo - that Mexican food company that makes that bread (Matt) (ACS)
Preemptive gay strike - Worst video game ever (ADS)
Futon - Chinese for bear trap (ACS)
Sexual Battery - Batteries especially made for sexual devices. Somewhere between AA and C (ACS)

Food/Drinks

Deer Bits - A venison cereal. Made of frosted deer flakes (Show?)
Coco Chanel - Nestlé’s newest coffee flavor (ACS)
Honey Dicks - Best cereal name ever (ACS)
Dawson's Beard - A pudding flavor Ace saw at Whole Foods (ACS)
Mighty Mutts - Worst breakfast cereal ever (ADS)
Chillax - A cinnamon based drink from "Hector's" country (ACS)
Black Dick - An English desert (ACS)
Tardy Digression - Sounds like a finger food..."would you like another tardy digression?" "No, I'm saving room for the main meal" (IFYWABC)
Double Bird Strike - Mixed drink created by Ace and Teresa. Made with Grey Goose, Wild Turkey, a splash of Canadian Club, and a splash of Hudson River water (ACS)
GAYtorade - A sports drink for gay people, because they lose essential body fluids (ACS)
University of Illinois At Urbana Champaign - Sounds like a carbonated drink for black people (ACS)
Flinch Fuck - Part of a nutritious breakfast, and a healthy relationship (ADS)
Phantom Punch - Something Bill Cosby gave his lady friends (ACS)
Pansy Sauce - Goes good with some shrimp (ADS)
Tilted Pillar - Kick ass IPA (AOTH)
Shaver - A good name for a miniature pastrami sandwich (Cousin Sal Show)
GPA - Something they add to children's cereal (ACS)
Stellwell's - A new low fat snack cracker (ACS)
Conchata Ferrell - A great cheese/unwanted cat (ACS)
Poopwell's - One of the worst snacks Nabisco has ever put their name on (ACS)
Belldini – Latest Taco Bell offering (ACS)
Fuzzy Zoeller – Zima with a jigger of peach schnapps (ACS)
Millennial Malaise - A sweet honey dipping sauce (ADS)
Jelani Cobb - Sounds like an Indian dish (Gina) (ACS)
Air Doodle - The very worst Super Bowl snack on the planet (ACS)
Faygala - Jewish sports drink (ACS)
Stroke Cane - Sounds like some sugary treat, mixed with a reach around (ACS)
The Silence Breakers (2) - good name for a mint (ACS)
Lesbian Squirt - Sponsor of the Dinah Shore Classic (ACS)
Son of Goose - Worst vodka ever. Comes in a plastic squeeze bottle (ACS)
Orange Hitler - Worst Hi-C flavor ever (ACS)

TV Shows/Movies

Cunt du' Jour - A great Bond villain name (ACS)
Coffee and Donuts - (Charlie Coffee III and Johnny Donetti) Johnny's a tough street wise cop whose jive talking and plays by his own rules and Charlie's super uptight (LL)
Pedoph Isle (aka) Pedophile Island - All pedophiles are sent to live on an isolated island, and a 747 full of Boy Scouts crash lands there and they have to fight to survive (Also a place) (ACS)
Anus and Eyeball - Buddy cop TV show duo (ACS)
Pussy Pioneer - John Candy's last movie (ACS)
Red Velvet - Made up movie character Clown played by Paul Giamatti. "Was secret service, and someone died on his watch. Now he's takin to clownin'." Wears a red velvet clown outfit. (ACS)
Destination Of The Semen - (Adam Ray) A movie Harrison Ford passed on twice (ACS)
Gay Eye - Movie where Adam plays Buddy McKlan, a racist homophobic mechanic who is blinded in a freak hot transmission fluid accident. He gets the donor eyes from a gay guy who perished on a moped accident in Antigua. Co-starring Larry the Cable Guy as his best friend. (Co-written by Bryan Cranston) (ACS)
Grinders - Sitcom where Jon Gruden moves in with Johnny Manziel (ACS)
Squishy Red River - Movie that started John Wayne (Show?)
Gusset And Cable - Perfect Cop buddy duo team (AOTH)
Just One Of The Gays - Stars Shia LaBeouf (ACS)
Hard Impact - Sounds like a Van Damme movie from the 90's (ACS)
Hammer Pants And Ice - Worst cop detective duo from the 80's (ACS)
Living With The Kilowatts - Adam's new animated series where they just leave toaster ovens on all day (ACS)
Keep Calm And Rape A Lot - Worst Monty Python film ever (ACS)
Medical Mishaps - New show Dave Coulier and Tawny Kitaen could host (ACS)
Roaming With Bison - Another great Bill Murray movie (ACS)
Gainesville Florida Financial Planner - Sounds like a Saturday Night Live skit (ACS)
Blame the Bee Gees - Adam's next documentary (ACS)
Adam Knees Your Dad In The Nuts - Adam's new game show (ACS)
Navigeddon - Terrorists take over all of the GPS systems of cars, and send them careening into the Grand Canyon (ACS)
Rings Of Honor - Terrorists take over Olympic training facility in Colorado Springs, and the athletes have to use their individual skills to escape. (Cameo by Randy Couture as the salty old coach) (ACS)
Endless Time/Ample Time For Backup - Adam's new Netflix series (ACS)
Tarred n' Feathered - Buddy flick starring a retarded guy and an Indian chief (Show?)
Mr. Will Doo And Can Doo - PSA Motivational cartoon bathroom characters Will Doo (Played by Will Arnette) and Can Doo is shaped like a toilet. Filmed in kitschy Clutch Cargo style animation (ADS)
Robot Lawyer - Great Phil Hartman bit (ACS)
Umpire News Network - Adam's channel with umpires reporting. Unbiased reporting (ACS)
Sofa Tard - New CW show coming soon (Matt) (AOTH)
Junior Fantasy Island - Show where kids of reckless parents are shipped off to live with Bill Cosby and Felicia Rashad (ADS)
2 And A Half Denali's - Hasn't been same since Sheen left (ACS)
So Kanye - Sitcom from the 90's (ACS)
Ridicuopothy - Sounds like a Mike Judge movie (ADS)
Master Buck - One of John Candy's most controversial movies (ACS)
LA HOTT (1) - An 80’s bar with an outdoor door seating area (ACS)
Mother Hitler - Coming to TNT. Starring Patrick Swayze's bother, Don (ACS)
Sink and Bounce - Movie about roller boogie from the 80's, starred Lil' Bow Wow (ACS)
The Debs - A made up CW network show where you just put all the hot chicks in Hollywood (ACS)
The Origin Story Of AIDS - Worst Marvel movie ever (Bryan)(ACS)
Everybody Hates Vinnie - Horrible sitcom (ACS)
Chick Clan - Good movie title (ACS)
Condo in Redondo - Best movie I ever did (ADS)
Red Lobsteria - New show Dr. Drew was talking about where African Americans form their own country (ACS)
Earthquake rehab - Reality show Dr. drew seismic expert and a civil engineer come together (Rainn Wilson) (ACS)
Rooster Jones - Great John Wayne movie. Super Fly meets True Grit (ACS)
Ernest Bigot goes to..... (ACS)
Nickels On The Job - First and only Jewish gum shoe on the job. ABC, Friday nights, 10:00 p.m. (ADS)
Solicitor General - Great Danny Kaye movie (RD)
Disjointed - Lorena Bobbitt biopic (ADS)
Habib and Company - Horrible children's show (MS)
Bobby's Room - Howie Mandel animated project from the 90's (ACS)
Page/Savage - Great cop duo show from the ‘80’s (Adam Ray) (ACS)
Paper Asshole - Great Tatum O’Neal film (ACS)
L.A. HOTT (2) - Failed Steven Bochco series pilot (ACS)
Pieces Of String Too Small To Use - Lena Dunham film from the late 90’s (ACS)
Oscar Squad - New Marvel Movie (Gina) (ACS)
Cortron/Melamine - Transformers (Gina) (ACS)
Anoscope - Worst way to see a movie (ADS)
Practical Rapist - New SNL character (Gina) (ACS)
Superfoot - Worst Marvel movie ever (Bryan) (ACS)
Celebrity Food Chain - Would be a great show (Jeff Cesario) (ACS)
Backsack and Anus - Worst cop duo ever (RS)
Korean moyle - ABC’s next sitcom (Jeff) ACS
Nanny Huntin ‘with Ted Nugent - Great reality show I’d watch (ACS)
Progressive pope - New sitcom (Gina) ACS
Nick Mancuso: Construction Fluffer - New TV Show (AONT)
Rush Blitzer - Adam’s character from his movie, “Snapper” (BSR)
The Baldwin’s and Beyond -Great reality show (RD)
The Rogue Deuce - The next Star Wars movie (ADS)
Mr. Goodbar To The Rescue - Ace loves that movie (ACS)
Wrestling Squatters - New show on YouTube Red starring Eric Stromer (AOTH)

Books/Coffee Table Books

Dade County Black Prom, 1985 (ACS)
Here Are The Pajamas We Picture You In (ACS)
Three Shitty Homes, One Washing Machine, Zero Dryers - Title of Adam's new book (Ray) (AOTH)
Chapstick And Batteries - Title of Adam's next bestselling book (ACS)
Who The Fuck Put Their Sombrero on My Keys? – Title of Adam’s next book (ACS)
Cunt With A Grunt - Adam's favorite Dr. Seuss book (PM)
You'll Never See A Cockroach Jog (PM)
Kemo Skinny Calves - Adam's new children's book (ADS)
You're Dyslexic And I'm Dumb - Adam and John Popper's collaborative next book (ACS)
I Get It If You’re GWAR - Adam's next book (ACS)
Bulk Magazine - Costco magazine that Jimmy Kimmell graced the cover of twice (ACS)
Do You Have To Take Your Top Off To Dye Your Pubes, Drew? (LL)
Glamping With Moriah - Adam's new book (ACS)
From The Mouths of Babes (Hot Chicks Not Babies) (ACS)
(The) Sweet Spot - Adam's next book (Bryan) (ACS)
I Thought Things Would Be Better When I Was Rich (ACS)
Radio Station Kitchen (ACS)
Post-it Notes In Radio Station Kitchens (ACS)
Comedy Club Green Rooms And The Sofas That Were Not Made For Them (ACS)
Jethro, the Mexican Jew - A great children's book (Gina) (ACS)
Professor and the Construction Worker -The worst children's book ever (ACS)
Willie and the Weed - Good name for a children's book (ACS)
What Black People Think White People Complain About (ACS)
Everyone Eventually Becomes The Man (ACS)
Recipe for Misery (1) - Name Of Adam’s next book (ACS)
In Defense Of Black Face - Adam’s next book (ACS)
Hurry Up And Make Sense (2) - Biography title of the Talking Heads (ACS)

Native American Names

Chief Thunderbear (LL)
Dances With Cocks (ACS)
Dances With Lipstick (ACS)
Ol' Urethra Windows (ACS)
Oxnard - Indian name meaning the balls of a bull (ACS)

V/P Names

Absorbent Rag - Good name for T's V (ACS)
Hurt Locker - Another name for T's V (ACS)
Judge's Mansion - Another name for T's G
Cmarket.com - Another name for T's V (ACS)
City of Industry - Another name for T's V (ACS)
Dutch Mook - Another name for T's V (ACS)s V
No Safe Spaces - Great name for T's V (ACS)
Hobo Stove - Another name for A's V (ACS)
Sausage Grinder - Another name for A's V (ACS)
Dixville Notch - Another name for G's V (ACS)
Snake River Canyon - Another name for G's V (ACS)
Dakota Access Pipeline - Another name for G's V (ACS)
The Holidome - Another name for G’s V (ACS)
Discovery Bay - Great name for G's V (ACS)
B.O. Box - Great name for G's V (ACS)
Sea bag - Good name for G's V (ACS)
El Portal - Great name for G's V (ACS)
Harry Belafonte - Adam's name for his junk, if he were a woman (Show?)
Top Gear - Another name for Adam’s junk (ACS)
El Gordo/King Taco - Good name for G’s V (ACS)
Port of Karachi - Good name for G’s V (ACS)
submitted by Texas1971 to AdamCarolla [link] [comments]


2020.03.01 21:46 DangerDylan [Sunday, 01. March]

World News

Coke and Pepsi Are Getting Sued for Lying About Recycling: “At this rate, plastic is set to outweigh fish in the ocean by 2050,” the complaint reads.
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A conservation group has closed a $15.65 million deal to buy the largest privately owned giant sequoia grove left on Earth, an ancient forest with hundreds of the endangered redwood trees, which can live for 3,000 years and rise nearly as tall as the Statue of Liberty.
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Netanyahu aide in leaked recording: 'Hate is what unites our camp'
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All news, US and international.

First COVID-19 death in the U.S. happens in Washington state
Comments Link
Billionaire Tom Steyer quits Democratic primary race
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Nike, Apple among dozens of major brands implicated in report on forced labour
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Reddit Science

A shift from cropland to forests made Western Europe cooler. Researchers mapped land use cover for 24 years under eight broad categories: including, evergreen needleleaf forest, deciduous broadleaf forest, open shrubland, cropland, urban and built-up, cropland/natural vegetation mosaic
Comments Link
University of British Columbia astronomy student Michelle Kunimoto has discovered 17 new planets, including a potentially habitable, Earth-sized world, by combing through data gathered by NASA's Kepler mission.
Comments Link
Scientists found that moth fuzz absorbs, on average, 67% of incoming sound energy — a much better performance than commercially available sound insulation of similar structure and thickness.
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/Technology

Musician uses algorithm to generate 'every melody that's ever existed and ever can exist' in bid to end absurd copyright lawsuits
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Apple sends care packages with food, masks and an iPad to employees locked-down in China
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All new iPhones might be forced to have a removable battery
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Sadly, this is not the Onion.

Wisconsin woman performs ritual on dead possum in road, tells it to ‘repent,’ police say
Comments Link
Tom Steyer dances to 'Back that Thang Up' in excruciating video
Comments Link
Court: Flash-bang grenades are weapons of mass destruction
Comments Link

Ask Reddit...

What conspiracy theories do you think are too logical to ignore?
Comments
Dog owners of Reddit: Would you cut of 5 years of your own life and give these to your dog? If so, why?
Comments
Parents with Nanny Cams, what have you caught your babysitter doing?
Comments

Sysadmin

Sheriff's Office "accidentally" deletes dashcam footage; blames tech support.
Comments
FYI: Microsoft certificate changes
Comments
Modern URL shortener for corporate use
Comments

Microsoft SQL Server

Installing SQL Server 2019 on Appveyor.
Comments

PowerShell

Why is Office 365 PS so hard? Trying to check of the existence of a user
Comments
Installing MSI Silently from Current Directory
Comments
When it comes to placing WinForm objects, is it better to give absolute values or relational values?
Comments

Functional 3D Printing

My first post here (please be gentle). I modeled and printed this 15 year old window bracket that broke on me. No vendors, no problem. Fixed in 2 hours. :)
Comments Link
A disposable N95/P95/HEPA filter capsule for 3m reusable masks
Comments Link
Too lazy to buy zip ties, instead I designed a reusable cable clip
Comments Link

Data Is Beautiful

Life Expectancy in the United States 1900-2018 [OC]
Comments Link
Life Expectancy of Subnational divisions 2018 [OC]
Comments Link
COVID-19 Identified Cases (Excluding China) - Rolling 2 Weeks - Feb 29 2020 [OC]
Comments Link

Today I Learned (TIL)

TIL: Monty Python and the Holy Grail's $319,000 budget was bankrolled by Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Genesis, Elton John, and Jethro Tull.
Comments Link
TIL Enya is a recluse who lives in a mansion with her cats and makes music with an elderly couple, the lyrics to which she sometimes sings in Sindarin and Quenya - elven languages JRR Tolkien invented for Lord of the Rings.
Comments Link
TIL Kevin Carter, the photographer that received a Pulitzer Prize for the photograph he took of a starving boy and vulture in South Sudan ended up taking his own life in 1994 with this suicide note “haunted by vivid memories and killings & corpses...starving children...of trigger happy madmen”
Comments Link

So many books, so little time

Book covers
Comments
William Gibson on the apocalypse: “It’s been happening for at least 100 years”
Comments Link
"Feeling Good" by Dr. Burns is changing my life
Comments

OldSchoolCool: History's cool kids, looking fantastic

Robin Williams with his daughter Zelda, 1989.
Comments Link
A day at the beach. Somewhere between 1890-1910
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Me in 1991 with my brand new Vision Gator skateboard.
Comments Link

aviation

Saddam Hussein's 747-200 & 747 SP at Tozeur-Nefta International Airport Tunisia. Parked since 1991 to avoid US bombing. Depleted uranium ballast, the locals looting them shortly after arriving, and 30 years of unpaid ramp fees have made them a scrap job that nobody wants.
Comments Link
787 to get RAF livery.
Comments Link
Bout’ to fly on a 737-200.
Comments Link

Reddit Pics

No, the protesters in Hong Kong are not giving up.
Comments Link
One of my bar regulars waited 84 years for his 21st birthday! Happy birthday Fred!
Comments Link
Me (19) with my 102 y/o great grandma Vivienne. She walks the golf course daily.
Comments Link

.gifs - funny, animated gifs for your viewing pleasure

These amazing flips by a gymnast.
Comments Link
He's so into the game
Comments Link
This Dog Loves Sliding On Grass
Comments Link

A subreddit for cute and cuddly pictures

Backward cartwheel dog trick
Comments Link
First trip to the beach
Comments Link
He could have gotten hurt, but when he saw this pelican, he knew what he had to do... Awesome
Comments Link
submitted by DangerDylan to DangerDylanTLDR [link] [comments]


2020.01.30 18:05 SaintRidley Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ Aug. 10, 1987

Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words, continuing in the footsteps of daprice82. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives.
FUTURE YEARS ARCHIVE:
The Complete Observer Rewind Archive by daprice82
1-5-1987 1-12-1987 1-18-1987 2-2-1987
2-9-1987 2-16-1987 2-23-1987 3-2-1987
3-9-1987 3-16-1987 3-23-1987 4-6-1987
4-13-1987 4-20-1987 4-27-1987 5-4-1987
5-11-1987 5-18-1987 5-25-1987 6-1-1987
6-8-1987 6-15-1987 6-22-1987 6-29-1987
7-6-1987 7-13-1987 7-20-1987 7-27-1987
8-3-1987 - - -
  • ”It’s unusual when the result of a match is the top story of the week, but it isn’t everyday [sic] that Bruiser Brody gets pinned. Brody went down for the three count on July 27 against Abdullah the Butcher in Fort Worth. It’s the first time he’s been pinned in nearly seven years (fans today would be dying if Roman Reigns or Okada, or Becky Lynch or someone went almost seven years between being pinned). Dave figures this streak is probably one of the longest of its kind in wrestling history. The match was a cage match with no disqualifications and Abby’s Brass Knuckles championship at stake. For the finish, Brody had Abby pinned, but Gary Hart got on the apron and Brody fought with him through the cage, which allowed Abby to hit him with a foreign object to the throat to get the pin. Dave figures this must be setting up another cage match in the future at a big show - maybe the Labor Day show in Fort Worth.
  • Going off that, there are only four wrestlers active today who are in a position where they do no jobs at all: The Road Warriors, Hogan, and Riki Choshu. Hogan’s last job (a submission in the middle of the ring) was 5½ years ago to Antonio Inoki (who had a five year streak of his own until this past June, when he took the fall in a tag match to Masa Saito). Choshu’s last job was three years ago and to Inoki as well. The Road Warriors did their last job just under two years ago, losing the AWA tag belts to Jim Garvin and Steve Regal (to clarify, AWA’s Steve Regal is not a real man’s man). Andre, surprisingly, did his last job before Wrestlemania only ten months earlier, also submitting to Inoki in June 1986. Andre’s last job before that was in February 1984 when El Canek pinned him in Mexico City, and that was the first job Andre did since getting pinned by Inoki about six years previous. For contrast, Ric Flair’s last job was against Dusty Rhodes (pinfall) a few weeks ago in Greensboro, and he’s also lost falls in tag matches but isn’t doing that anymore, it seems.
  • Corrections - Dave had some errors regarding Houston last week, including some names he erroneously said were coming in to WWF. First, August 28 will indeed be Paul Boesch’s last card at Sam Houston Coliseum, but they aren’t (yet - next week this changes) advertising the show as Boesch’s retirement. You’d think they’d make a big deal of him, since he’s been a fixture of Houston wrestling for almost 40 years, but no. Anyway, several of the wrestlers coming to work that show are being booked as independent workers, not being brought into the WWF as part of the roster, and that means Tom Prichard, Mark Lewin, and Jim Duggan are only scheduled for this show. Tony Atlas is being brought in for this show as well. There are no plans whatsoever, Dave’s told, to bring Duggan back. Notable matches will include Hogan vs. One Man Gang, Sherri vs. Moolah, Duggan vs. DiBiase, Bruno vs. Hercules Hernandez, and Beefcake vs. Johnny V in a hair match. With the update on Duggan, Dave thinks it’s a major mistake if Crockett doesn’t hire him ASAP. Negative press has blown over and he has a huge following in UWF cities and is now known nationally thanks to his short WWF run.
  • [WWF] Dave really hates Mr. T. “In 1986, when Mr. T nearly single-handedly made a travesty out of Wrestlemania II, there were many of us who thought that pro wrestling would be rid of this egomaniacal idiot. Thankfully, it took 15 months before Titan forgot that in almost every city, the fans cheared its No. 1 heel, Roddy Piper, instead of this supposed media-made face and that the card was hardly a box-office success.” Tell us how you really feel, Dave. Mr. T has been back as a referee for WWF for two weeks, and while Dave can’t say he’s been an anti-draw, it’s clear he’s not putting asses in seats and now even WWF can see it. His return to WWF a couple weeks ago in Toronto drew 6000 fans, which sounds good except it’s the lowest they’ve drawn in Toronto in years (the card was weak, so Dave can’t blame T for that). Dave goes through attendance numbers and every show except the July 24 Baltimore show had him refereeing Savage vs. Honkytonk and the crowd being well below average. So once this tour is done, that should put an end to Mr. T’s time in wrestling. At the same time, it raises big questions on Savage’s ability to draw as a babyface, though that probably shouldn’t be judged until he makes his official return.
  • WWF’s MSG show on July 25 was a big success, drawing 18,100 paid and $221k at the gate. Ricky Steamboat main evented against Honkytonk, and it’s the biggest crowd and gate for WWF since Wrestlemania. Dave will have a complete report next week.
  • On wrestlers in Hollywood, Roddy Piper has just started or is about to start filming his third movie in Rome. It's titled Buy and Cell and stars Robert Carradine. Lou Albano is doing a movie with a bunch of no-names called Complex World, and Pat Roach (an English wrestling star from the 70s) is in a movie directed by Ron Howard called Willow. Roach has a regular role in the tv show Robin Hood as well. Dave figures Piper’s continued steady work in Hollywood means time to return to wrestling and do anything meaningful is limited, if he even wants to come back.
Watch: Buy and Cell trailer
  • [JCP/NWA] July 31 saw the Great American Bash tour end with a bang. An announced crowd of 17,251 (probably around 16,000 in reality) and probably a record gate for wrestling at the Orange Bowl. Barry Windham did an amazing carry job with a guy called Incubus who is absolutely terrible, but with Windham was able to have an almost average match. Kevin Sullivan and Dory Funk had a Texas Death Match that Sullivan won when Funk couldn’t answer the ten count and then they had a post-match brawl that went nearly as long as the match. Both bled buckets and it was good. WarGames 2 gets five stars from Dave. Everybody bled except Ellering and Luger, and Blanchard had the performance of the match. Bubba wound up submitting after six straight clotheslines.
Watch: Partial raw footage of WarGames 2
  • [WCCW] The biggest surprise of the week is that Fritz Von Erich told the truth for once. The first time he ever told the truth was pretty funny - he said that telling the truth makes him look even stupider than if he had lied. Anyway, on the Ask Fritz segment of their tv show this past week, he answered a question about whether Lance Von Erich was really his nephew and said “I believe the boy’s real name is William Vaughn and he is in no way related to us and he can’t use that name anymore because I copyrighted it.” Dave finds it incredibly stupid, but also notes that it’s no coincidence he said this on the same weekend that Lance made his tv debut for Wild West Wrestling. And of course, no Von Erich coverage would be complete without noting how shitty a dad Fritz is, so another letter asked Fritz if his son Chris (currently a senior in high school) will go to college. Fritz’s answer amounted to something along the lines of how that would be “nice, but Chris already knows what he wants to do.”
  • It looks like WWF is planning a greater emphasis on women’s wrestling in the next few months now that Sherri Martel is in and champion (you might even call it a revolution). After a few (Dave prays for very few) rematches, maybe Moolah will even retire. She did hit Social Security collection age on July 21, after all. Dave’s heard that Devil Masami might be in for a tour soon and the Jumping Bomb Angels will return in the fall after having a very successful tour with WWF. They had the best match of the show on virtually every card they appeared on (not as big a compliment as it sounds, Dave notes). Additionally, Olympia from GLOW is training to wrestle for WWF and Les Thornton in Calgary has several prospective young women in his current class. The Crush Gals will not be brought in, though, as the WWF office thinks they look too boyish. Dave would have something negative to say about that except he’s gotten innumerable comments saying that the JB Angels “are so much better looking than those Crush Girls they had in last year.”
Watch: The Crush Gals in their WWF tour from 1986
  • [WWF] Andre the Giant had back surgery more than a week ago. It’s uncertain if he’ll wrestle again, but what does seem certain is that he probably won’t be back any earlier than the winter.
  • [WWF] Tito Santana will be taking Tom Zenk’s place as Rick Martel’s tag partner. They’ll get a new name, something like Attack Squad or Strike Force (Dave got it right with the second one).
  • [WWF] Chief Jay Strongbow was hospitalized earlier this week for heart issues.
  • [Stampede] The Viet Congs have broken up. They lost the International tag titles to Brian Pillman and Bruce Hart on the July 24 show. Hart pinned Cong #2 (Shinji Sasazaki, who had knee surgery after the match). Sasazaki attacked Cong #1 (Hiroshi Hase) after the match, and another guy in a Viet Cong Express outfit attacked Hase as well. They referred to him as Viet Cong #3 and he was unmasked as Gama Singh. They unmasked Hase, who kept his face covered, and Keiichi Yamada ran in to make the save. Yamada teamed with Owen Hart against Gama and Mukham Singh in the main event, which saw Jerry Morrow interfere by low-bridging Yamada and piledriving him on the floor twice before all three heels ganged up on Hart, leading to Hase unmaked making the save. So for the July 31 show we have Hase/Yamada/Hart vs. the Singhs and Morrow.
  • The North American Wrestling Association out of Edmonton is not out of business, Dave was wrong about that last week. Dave Schults and Johnny Rods walked out on the promotion, but the Western Canadians are still working. They start tv in two weeks, and Dave got a copy of their tape early and he says it is the best wrestling program on the market today.
  • Making her pro debut for Wild West Wrestling on August 18 will be Robin Smith. She’s Jake Roberts and Sam Houston’s sister.
  • Kevin Von Erich’s two year old child was run over in an accident last weekend ago and is now out of critical condition. That same weekend, Kerry, his wife, his baby, and brother Chris were in a boat accident. Kerry crashed into a dam and all were thrown into the water. No serious problems, but Chris needed ten stitches for a cut on his head.
  • Adrian Adonis has arrived in AWA, managed by Paul E. Dangerously (who now uses a mobile phone as a gimmick). Adonis is still doing the gay act. His weight has ballooned and he’s said to weigh over 350 lbs now.
  • The only other major change in AWA are the return of Jerry Blackwell and that Madusa Maceli has replaced Sherri Martel as Kevin Kelly’s valet. If they can find another woman to work there, they’ll probably give her the AWA Women’s Title too. Dave says if she ever learns she has the potential to be an effective valet, but she’s green and really only has looks and the ability to act arrogant right now. And she’s trying to be Sherri Martel, which is not going to work for someone so green.
  • [Florida] Terry Funk appeared on the July 29 tv taping in Tampa during a Mike Rotunda Florida Title defense against Dory Funk. He attacked Rotunda with a branding iron and then Dory stole the belt and they did some off the wall promos.
  • [JCP/NWA] They’ve fired Dark Journey. Part of it was simple business, part of it was personality conflicts. Suffice to say, she never got much of a reaction in Crockett country and the booking idea of pairing Tully with a black valet for heat just didn’t work. Dave’s heard two stories - she’s either going to California and opening a shop of some kind or going to Texas to work with Ken Mantell’s Wild West promotion if she stays in the business. Spoiler alert: this is Dark Journey’s goodbye to wrestling. She’s going to California, where she’ll manage a clothing shop for a while before getting licensed as a massage therapist and also doing “colon hydrotherapy” and working as a naturopath in the L.A. area today.
  • Letters this week are all over the place. One is fantasy booking an angle where Vince brings in Hector Guerrero (who’s still doing a spaceman gimmick in Crockett) to face Hogan, with a whole elaborate angle (featuring Hogan attacked by aliens, Howard Finkel abducted and held hostage, Hogan refusing to negotiate with terrorists, and a stipulation that if Hogan loses Finkel will be disintegrated live on tv) that leads to proving that even Hector can be dragged down to a lousy match and beat with the leg drop.
  • The other big letter in this issue takes issue with Inoki’s ego. The writer cannot believe they tossed aside the angles they set up just to keep Inoki in the main event, and calls him a “slimmer version of Virgil Rhodes.
  • Otherwise the letters mostly focus on awards thoughts, one asking Dave to give up the disparaging nicknames like Junkfood Dog and Outhouse Jack, and one taking exception to Dave not naming names on WWF’s drug testing. That last writer feels that the readers of the Observer “should be entitled to this information” after the first test and that Dave is wrong for not wanting to print the names of drug suspensions. A final writer, who went to the Chicago Bash show, wonders about if all the blood in wrestling might be a vector for AIDS transmission and feels some caution must be taken.
  • The Midnight Rockers are wrestling at the August 8 WFIA convention against Doug Somers and Ken Timbs. There’s no word yet on where they’ll land, but Crockett already has Morton and Gibson, while WWF doesn’t seem to want them and AWA definitely won’t want them back. Looks like their prospects are pretty dried up.
  • UWF commissioner John Ayres signed a contract to play this season with the Denver Broncos.
NEXT ISSUE: Paul Boesch retirement show announced, Road Warriors meeting with McMahon, Vladimir Petrov convicted, and more
submitted by SaintRidley to SquaredCircle [link] [comments]


2020.01.11 15:07 WWE_Network_Bot WWE Network Updates: 01/11/2020

The following shows have been added to the WWE Network today:

Hover over links for descriptions

Original

In-Ring

See what new shows are coming up on the schedule
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The wiki pages with all WWE Network content has also been updated.
I am a bot. I will edit this post if more content is added today. Please contact tonyg623 with any bugs or suggestions. Thanks!
submitted by WWE_Network_Bot to wwe_network [link] [comments]